Funny stuff:

Hey, buddy! Canada here! We were all really excited when we heard aboot all you Democrats moving up here after the Christian Conservatives took over your country.

But it's been like a month, now, eh? We figured maybe you got stuck in traffic at first. But now we think maybe you're not coming after all. We wouldn't want to be pushy or anything, but have you given us a fair shot?

Even though we're right next door, most Americans don't know anything aboot Canada. (And we're cool with that. We wouldn't want to impose. We're probably not that interesting anyway. How are you doing?)

The truth is, though, Canada has a lot to offer an American Liberal. Check it out:


Canada: Your Liberal Valhalla

Worried about the erosion of your civil liberties under the Patriot Act? In Canada, we protect the privacy of our citizens. Not because it's illegal we just think it's polite to mind our own business.

Not that it matters anyway, because it's almost impossible to commit a crime here! Check out all the great stuff that you can get away with!

Drugs
Prescriptions and over-the-counter remedies are as plentiful as snow and mittens here. One of our beers is like ten of your beers! Even marijuana is legal. Not heroin or anything but if that's a dealbreaker for you, we could probably make it legal within the year.

Welfare
If you're out of work, we'll help you out with the rent. If you're disabled, we'll help you lead a normal life. If you're lazy and just don't feel like getting a job, we'll probably look the other way. Alright!

Naked Breasts
We're not even joking you can totally walk around topless. Not that anybody ever does, of course, other than hairy old men. It's freezing up here, for God's sake. Actually, as long as you're coming to Canada, do you think you could bring some of those girls who went wild along with you?

Same-Sex Marriages
Finally, you and your same-sex partner won't have to live in sin. Worried that Jesus might disapprove? Forget about it, buddy! In Canada, we've forsaken god!

Abortion
Abortion isn't just legal in Canada it's mandatory for every Canadian girl on her 16th birthday. Plus, with every abortion you get a free dinner for two coupon at Appleby's.

Late Fees
Don't want to return that video on time? Keep it an extra week! Who's going to get in your face about it? Some Canadian?

Geography

Most Americans assume Canada is a barren snow-covered wasteland. And it is! That's why most Canadians live at the very bottom of it think of us as spooning with America for warmth!

Coldness of Canada

Just insanely, insanely cold
Very cold
Cold


Population of Canada

Nobody lives here
A few idiots live here
Everybody lives here


So: say you're going to move to Canada after all. Have you thought about which part? Did you know that Canada even has different parts? Probably not. And we're totally okay with that. That's why we've given you the quickest possible overview below. We're very sorry to take up so much of your time with this:

The Part Where
No one Lives
Think: barren wasteland
Populated by: several lunatics

West Coast
Think: LA, minus the Mexicans and with more hash
Populated by: pot-smoking hackysack enthusiasts

The Prairies
Think: the Bible belt, but duller
Populated by: shotgun-toting, rodeo-loving cowboys

Ontario
Think: private school kids with public school educations
Populated by: Upwardly mobile Canadians, which is even less impressive than it sounds

Quebec
Think: France, except closer and more difficult to ignore
Populated by: French people, sadly

The Maritimes
Think: Ireland with lobsters
Populated by: drunk, out of work little people


Free Healthcare, eh!

One of the few things that actually interest Americans about Canada is our free healthcare. But most Americans don't really know how it works. How does it work?

Through Communism!

Canadians pay a prespammersitely high amount of tax on every single thing we buy. The government takes half of everybody's paycheck and taxes all of our products. Canadians put all our money in a jar. If one of us gets sick, the medical bills get paid from that jar. It's sort of like a lottery. If you get cancer, you win!

Even after the government takes all of our money, though, free healthcare is still too expensive to maintain. To help out, Canada pays our doctors about the same as we pay our garbagemen. This ensures that our prices stay low, and also that our best doctors move to America. Ever worked at a company that was so incompetently run that all the talented people left, and the only people who stuck around were the ones who couldn't get a job anywhere else? Now imagine all those people with stethoscopes!

On the bright side, just about every medical procedure, physical therapy or unnecessary surgery you can imagine is free. If it itches, we'll scratch it. If you want a haircut, our doctors will do it with a smile. Our doctors are even obligated to give you a foot massage if you ask. It doesn't even matter what else they might be doing at the time; they are federally mandated to drop everything. And let me tell you, they are heavenly!

Language

Most of Canada speaks English, though there are subtle differences between Canadian and American English. For instance:

You Say... We Say...
About Aboot

Soda Pop

Canadian Bacon Bacon

Grits Vomit

Baseball Hockey

Basketball Hockey

Football Hockey

War Hockey

Freedom Warmongering


Canada's other official language is French, though only a small portion of the population speaks it. For those of you who are rightfully wary of the French, they're easy to spot even when they aren't speaking. They're the ones who smell like cheese and for whom the rest of Canada is perpetually apologizing.

Currency

Canadian money isn't worth as much as real American money. Our dollar is worth roughly 83 American cents. Of course, that number's going up all the time, thanks to the global stock market's complete lack of confidence in the American economy. Which is bad news for your country, but what the hell do you care? You're a Canadian now! Start reaping the slight and temporary economic benefits!

Another thing that we've got here is jobs, and plenty of them! And not just moose herding and snow shoveling jobs, but several real jobs in modern industries. No matter what your skills or ambitions, you can come to Canada and fulfill your potential in the career of your choice. Not that you even have to did we mention our awesome welfare system? You can stay at home and watch imported American television all day for all we care!

Holidays

Canadians have the exact same holidays as America, just at different times. For instance, you celebrate Thanksgiving in November. We celebrate it in October. At Christmastime, Americans worship Santa Claus and offer gifts to appease him. In Canada, it's the same ceremony, except that we worship Ba'al.

Conclusion

Canada has been painted by some conservatives as a modern-day Gomorrah. We don't have the Bible up here though, so we don't really have any idea what that means. Either way, don't believe them we're a very courteous and polite people. Remember when Michael Moore visited Canada in Bowling for Columbine and found a nation of fun-loving, trusting people who don't carry guns and never lock their doors? Well, like everything in every Michael Moore film, that depiction was completely accurate, unbiased, and in no way skewed to serve his argument. It just so happens that we are that easy-going and polite. Oh, and all of the stuff you've heard about snowshoes, Eskimos and beavers is true too. I mean, what the hell, right?

In the end, Canadian culture isn't all that different from American culture. In fact, we enjoy many of your cultural exports! We read your books, watch your television shows, listen to your records, and eat your snack foods. Basically, coming to Canada is like going on vacation in a foreign country, and spending the whole week in your hotel room watching pay-per-view American movies. Except with a lot less nudity and foul language, because it's way too cold and we're far too polite.

See you soon, eh!

http://www.nationallampoon.com/nl/08_features/Canada/Canada.asp

I went up to Canada a few times when I was driving for US Xpress a few years back, and to be honest I really liked it up there. (I hated going through customs, and this was pre 9/11, I can only imagine what they're like now, but once I got through it was fine.) The people were really friendly up there, and they drive better than we do.

;D ;D ;D
that's awesome, funny stuff eh :)

If you missed the Alberto Gonzo show on C-Span this afternoon, you might still be inclined as an American to poke fun at somebody else's country without the old saying "people who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones" popping into your head.
So go ahead, those of you who live in a country that has a holy roller with the IQ of a fencepost for a President, laugh at Canada, laugh at Europe.  Yeah, the rest of civilized world AND South Africa says no to the death penalty, but America is still in the throes of a hang 'em high love affair. 
Sure, make fun of Canada for being responsible to it's citizens while living in the United States of Ayn Rand!  "Oh, poor and sick are you? Let's throw this loser to the lions!  Time he learns something about personal responsibility."

Keep on trying to alienate as much of the rest of the world as possible, GWB, because just like your namesake, the behavior is pathological and retarded!
::)

Yeah, the rest of civilized world AND South Africa says no to the death penalty, but America is still in the throes of a hang 'em high love affair. 


Now that is a liberal statement.  Attack someone (or in this case a nation) that dares to be different.

Besides, France banned the death penalty.  (Sorry had to say it, how can you have a thread in America without all the French bashing that Americans love.)  But Canada does have a high French population.

Now that is a liberal statement.  Attack someone (or in this case a nation) that dares to be different.

Besides, France banned the death penalty.  (Sorry had to say it, how can you have a thread in America without all the French bashing that Americans love.)  But Canada does have a high French population.

It's not a matter daring to be "different," it's a matter of running Savage Nation, if you will.

Now that is a liberal statement.  Attack someone (or in this case a nation) that dares to be different.

Besides, France banned the death penalty.  (Sorry had to say it, how can you have a thread in America without all the French bashing that Americans love.)  But Canada does have a high French population.
GW--
       I don't mean to get off topic here, but I was just wondering about your new avatar. Is that Michael Savage, and why does he have a slash through him? I'm just curious.
                                                    AL-B

GW--
       I don't mean to get off topic here, but I was just wondering about your new avatar. Is that Michael Savage, and why does he have a slash through him? I'm just curious.
                                                    AL-B

I'm not GWB, but I can tell you why, Savage criticizes the other GWB, and nobody ought to be allowed to criticise the President of the United States when that president's initials are GWB!

There is so much to reply to in so many places that I can't possibly take the time to include quotes... so you guys will just have to figure out where this all goes.

First off.. GWB, did you stop to think of the MANY Canadian members of this board before you posted an (unoriginal) article whose aim is to debase their culture(s) and lampoon their way(s) of life? My guess is "no."

Roughly 1/4 of Canadians have French as their mother tongue, but this does not make them "French" anymore than speaking English makes you an Englishman. The same way that Austrians are not German and Brazilians are not Portuguese. The francophones in Québec do not see themselves as Frenchmen, they see themselves as Quebeckers (Québécois) and (hopefully) as Canadians. Canada is host to a number of other language groups as well, some of which have a protected status. There is a large Asian population in Canada (mostly in Ontario and British Columbia), and the First Nations peoples each have tribal languages which are protected under the law. Scottish Gaelic, though it is significantly endangered in Canada, is also a protected language in Nova Scotia where it has a small community of native Canadian speakers (although far fewer than there used to be). There is a lot more to be said about Canadian culture than what was put in your post.

The article overestimates the consumption of American culture in Canada. Obviously the author assumed that everything he sees on TV here in America is also viewed in Canada. He probably never stopped to check out how much Canadian music he's listening to or how many Canadian TV shows he's watching... (Here's a hint... every Canadian show has an official marking the end of the credits. You'd be surprised at how many you can find if you look for them.) Not to mention that Canadian law stipulates the amount of foreign material that can be aired in Canada. 60% of all Television and radio content must be Canadian. And then of course there are all the foreign movies, shows, and music videos that are shot in Canada, not only for cost efficiency but also for the wide variety of ambiances. Just about every environment you can think of can be found in Canada... from industrial urban powercities, to luscious mountain terrain, to petrified forests, to arctic tundras. This makes it very convenient for both foreign and Canadian filmmakers.

As for the "real money" comment... American money is what is known as "fiat money"... it is backed by nothing but faith... What's so "real" about worthless paper? There was also a time when Canadian currency was worth more than American, but this is obviously no longer the case. However, the article was right about one thing, the Canadian Dollar's value is growing all the time.

Marijuana is not legal in any part of Canada, except for those who hold a license for its medicinal use. There are some parts (::cough:: BC) where its use is commonly overlooked simply because the police have more important things to worry about (like Asian gangs). It almost became legal when Canada's Supreme Court gave the federal government an ultimatum. Either they come up with a safe and effective way for medical patients to fill their perscriptions (they were previously forced to either grow it or go to the streets), or in 6 months they would throw out the country's marijuana laws altogether. The government made the deadline. There was also a decriminalisation movement which failed... For those who don't know the difference between "decriminalised" and "legal," the former means that the crime is now only a citable offence (i.e. get busted with an ounce and you are written a citation, much like a traffic ticket). GWB will be happy to know that the main reason the bill failed was because of pressure from the Bush Administration.

There is a large difference between Communism and Social Democracy.

There are plenty of Christians in Canada, and it is in fact the largest religion in Canada by far. There are even right-wing, fundamentalist political parties. The difference is that the vast majority of Canadians (yes, even the Christian ones) know better than to vote for them. Being careful not to mix religion with politics is quite separate from being a godless bunch of sodomites. I know this is hard for you to fathom, GW, so please take it in slowly.

Also, there are TONS of guns in Canada. Why do you think so many people from all over the world... including rich Conservatives from the American heartland, go to Canada to hunt? You just can't shoot much moose and caribou in the states.

Canadians do not say "aboot." This "joke" is entirely played out, untrue, and stupid. Canadians pronounce the "ou" dipthong the way it's intended to be pronounced while Americans pronounce it exactly like "ow" as in "Ow! An angry Canadian just smashed a Labatt's bottle over my head for insulting his country." Have you ever heard a Canadian speak? You should meet my dad, an anglo-quebecker. You'll hear quite a few "eh"s and the occaissional "about." Hell, I was 13 before I found out my dad knew French. Canadians are pretty interesting people, not dull and docile like your post would suggest. Canadians, like my dad, are most commonly funny and spontaneous, but if you sat there and did something like insult them, politely turning the other cheek would be the last thing on their minds. No, the typical Canadian would probably either give you the verbal burn of a lifetime, or just kick your ass and be done with it.

You obviously don't know shhh about Canada.

There is so much to reply to in so many places that I can't possibly take the time to include quotes... so you guys will just have to figure out where this all goes.

First off.. GWB, did you stop to think of the MANY Canadian members of this board before you posted an (unoriginal) article whose aim is to debase their culture(s) and lampoon their way(s) of life? My guess is "no."

Roughly 1/4 of Canadians have French as their mother tongue, but this does not make them "French" anymore than speaking English makes you an Englishman. The same way that Austrians are not German and Brazilians are not Portuguese. The francophones in Québec do not see themselves as Frenchmen, they see themselves as Quebeckers (Québécois) and (hopefully) as Canadians. Canada is host to a number of other language groups as well, some of which have a protected status. There is a large Asian population in Canada (mostly in Ontario and British Columbia), and the First Nations peoples each have tribal languages which are protected under the law. Scottish Gaelic, though it is significantly endangered in Canada, is also a protected language in Nova Scotia where it has a small community of native Canadian speakers (although far fewer than there used to be). There is a lot more to be said about Canadian culture than what was put in your post.

The article overestimates the consumption of American culture in Canada. Obviously the author assumed that everything he sees on TV here in America is also viewed in Canada. He probably never stopped to check out how much Canadian music he's listening to or how many Canadian TV shows he's watching... (Here's a hint... every Canadian show has an official marking the end of the credits. You'd be surprised at how many you can find if you look for them.) Not to mention that Canadian law stipulates the amount of foreign material that can be aired in Canada. 60% of all Television and radio content must be Canadian. And then of course there are all the foreign movies, shows, and music videos that are shot in Canada, not only for cost efficiency but also for the wide variety of ambiances. Just about every environment you can think of can be found in Canada... from industrial urban powercities, to luscious mountain terrain, to petrified forests, to arctic tundras. This makes it very convenient for both foreign and Canadian filmmakers.

As for the "real money" comment... American money is what is known as "fiat money"... it is backed by nothing but faith... What's so "real" about worthless paper? There was also a time when Canadian currency was worth more than American, but this is obviously no longer the case. However, the article was right about one thing, the Canadian Dollar's value is growing all the time.

Marijuana is not legal in any part of Canada, except for those who hold a license for its medicinal use. There are some parts (::cough:: BC) where its use is commonly overlooked simply because the police have more important things to worry about (like Asian gangs). It almost became legal when Canada's Supreme Court gave the federal government an ultimatum. Either they come up with a safe and effective way for medical patients to fill their perscriptions (they were previously forced to either grow it or go to the streets), or in 6 months they would throw out the country's marijuana laws altogether. The government made the deadline. There was also a decriminalisation movement which failed... For those who don't know the difference between "decriminalised" and "legal," the former means that the crime is now only a citable offence (i.e. get busted with an ounce and you are written a citation, much like a traffic ticket). GWB will be happy to know that the main reason the bill failed was because of pressure from the Bush Administration.

There is a large difference between Communism and Social Democracy.

There are plenty of Christians in Canada, and it is in fact the largest religion in Canada by far. There are even right-wing, fundamentalist political parties. The difference is that the vast majority of Canadians (yes, even the Christian ones) know better than to vote for them. Being careful not to mix religion with politics is quite separate from being a godless bunch of sodomites. I know this is hard for you to fathom, GW, so please take it in slowly.

Also, there are TONS of guns in Canada. Why do you think so many people from all over the world... including rich Conservatives from the American heartland, go to Canada to hunt? You just can't shoot much moose and caribou in the states.

Canadians do not say "aboot." This "joke" is entirely played out, untrue, and stupid. Canadians pronounce the "ou" dipthong the way it's intended to be pronounced while Americans pronounce it exactly like "ow" as in "Ow! An angry Canadian just smashed a Labatt's bottle over my head for insulting his country." Have you ever heard a Canadian speak? You should meet my dad, an anglo-quebecker. You'll hear quite a few "eh"s and the occaissional "about." Hell, I was 13 before I found out my dad knew French. Canadians are pretty interesting people, not dull and docile like your post would suggest. Canadians, like my dad, are most commonly funny and spontaneous, but if you sat there and did something like insult them, politely turning the other cheek would be the last thing on their minds. No, the typical Canadian would probably either give you the verbal burn of a lifetime, or just kick your a** and be done with it.

You obviously don't know shhh about Canada.

McD, Conservatism isn't about knowing shhh, it's about knowing mean-spirited ways to condemn $sheesh!
You posted some interesting facts about Canada, but if you are aiming for GWB, you're just "casting pearls into wine" (to paraphrase Archie Bunker, an American archetype who leaps to mind when ever I read a post by a certain poster).  "Flat money," that's a good one, haw haw haw! ;D

Well...maybe Canada ain't so bad.  O'Reilly was reading e-mails today and yesterday from people in Canada who say they love his show and that not all people in Canada are like "eastern liberals."  So Fox News is now in Canada, and according to the cable news ratings, (America and Canada included,) O'Reilly is flying high:

CABLE NEWS RACE
For: WED, JAN 05, 2005

FOXNEWS O'REILLY 2.3
FOXNEWS HANNITY/COLMES 1.7
FOXNEWS SHEP SMITH 1.6
FOXNEWS GRETA 1.4
CNN LARRY KING 1.1
COMEDY DAILY SHOW 1.1
CNN WAVE SPECIAL 0.8
MSNBC AMBER FREY 0.6
MSNBC HARDBALL 0.5
MSNBC SCARBOROUGH 0.4
MSNBC OLBERMANN 0.3
CNBC MILLER 0.1