Most of you know my situation. The man I plan to marry is in the hospital and once released will still need home care to come over for a few weeks. Even after that he needs to be taken care of and I can do it. But being a caregiver is hard emotionally and physically.

His bone disease effects us in different ways. See when I met him he had back problems and wasn't able to walk as well as someone healthy. I accepted all that. He was still getting around pretty good and able to live a normal life. Then after he got diagnosed it rapidly degraded his condition where its harder on him. But several doctors said he needed to keep moving to beat it. He just gave up. He could have kept getting up and trying and I feel guilty cause I let him just not do it. And that's what got him to where he is now.

Physical Therapy is going to help him and come over and help with getting him back to himself. But here is why I am writing this. I worry he will not keep trying and give up and we'll never have a life. A life existing of several things. Going to places like the store, taking vacations, just going in the living room to hang out and take walks. Intimacy too. Just things couples do. I need those things in my life. I am human. And I'm only 31. Too young to give up on having a happy active life to just sit around.

I don't want to be sitting in a chair 2 years from now wondering where my life went. What I could have done. Where I could have went. I have mentioned issues we have had before. So there have been times even back when he was getting around better where I contemplated us.

I love him to death and don't want to be without him. But I don't know how much longer I can do all this. How long I can wait for life to be normal. I deserve to have an active life now, not a few months from now. Sometimes I worry it will never happen. I've told him he needs to work on the therapy and not give up. I literally told him he has to keep it up. This is not just me. His doctors have stressed he must do it to not get another infection or clots and to not become paralyzed.

I feel guilty in saying this, but I just feel I might be better off single then not having a real life with the person I'm with. So I'm asking what you guys think. Would it be selfish of me to leave him cause of his disability?

Selfish in what way?

That is really a tough call. I think you need to have a talk to with him-tell him how you feel. Tell him if he is giving up on himself, it is unfair to you. You are putting your life on hold for him and if he doesn't want to fight for himself and for you, than maybe you should walk.


Cat

Please forgive my bluntness but I do see selfish behavior but the selfishness is not on your part. If physical
therapy is all that is needed to remain ambulatory then every effort should be put forth to do so. But as Cat
had said, you need to discuss your feelings, maybe even with a professional because I am sure you don't want
to make any rash decisions. At least not one you'll rue later.

That is really a tough call. I think you need to have a talk to with him-tell him how you feel. Tell him if he is giving up on himself, it is unfair to you. You are putting your life on hold for him and if he doesn't want to fight for himself and for you, than maybe you should walk.


Cat

I told him how I really need him to keep working on the therapy. And how I feel like I'm at a stopping point. How our relationship sometimes makes me feel like I'm wasting my time. It may sound hurtful but its true. I told him if doesn't give everything his all than I'm not waiting around.

Please forgive my bluntness but I do see selfish behavior but the selfishness is not on your part. If physical
therapy is all that is needed to remain ambulatory then every effort should be put forth to do so. But as Cat
has said, you need to discuss your feelings, maybe even with a professional because I am sure you don't want
to make any rash decisions. At least not one you'll rue later.

I think he has been selfish by how he pretty much refused to keep forcing himself to get up. I like a dummy have made his food, got him his water etc when I should have said no. My mom said it was a form of taking advantage cause he knew I love him so that's why I would do it. And now with what's happend I look back on everything. I agree with her. When I go over every wrong or negative thing that has ever happened, most of it is his fault.

I have had emotional problems and in that past I let it get out of hand. But in truth, I had moved past that. For the most part I was not having depressive thoughts anymore. I was happy being single. Then one day I decided I would give it a shot. No I don't feel like hurting myself, nothing like that. But the situation, the current state of the relationship sometimes is depressing. So I'm not depressive per say. But I've been really emotional lately. While I wouldn't mind talking to a relationship counseled about their advice I wont see a psyciatrict cause I'm not needing that kind of help.

He on the other could benefit from it.He does have issues, mostly with his family, that need sorted out. But bad anxiety. Maybe they can tell him not to take his physical pain out on others. Not just me. I have some social anxiety myself but its not at all the same as his.

Yes. It is not your fault if  your'e doing things for him and he still chooses to die.  If he has had issues with his family then it will affect the way he reacts.  My mom had decided to raise me what she calls disfunctionaly.  It's left me feeling stupid and that everythins is horrible and everyone is negitive and out to get me.  I often have felt like jumping off a cliff or ringing her neck when I was thing more positively with myself, but ringing her neck is not the answer to help someone who had been rasied disfunctionily herself.  I still live with my mom and psychology has gotten my mom to say ( we are not communicating with eachother) when we are not.  That makes me want to ring my mothers neck so much less.  Sorry I said so much, but points from different views make a big difference.

Yes. It is not your fault if  your'e doing things for him and he still chooses to die.  If he has had issues with his family then it will affect the way he reacts.  My mom had decided to raise me what she calls disfunctionaly.  It's left me feeling stupid and that everythins is horrible and everyone is negitive and out to get me.  I often have felt like jumping off a cliff or ringing her neck when I was thing more positively with myself, but ringing her neck is not the answer to help someone who had been rasied disfunctionily herself.  I still live with my mom and psychology has gotten my mom to say ( we are not communicating with eachother) when we are not.  That makes me want to ring my mothers neck so much less.  Sorry I said so much, but points from different views make a big difference.

I'm sorry about how your mom treats you. :( I've seen your other posts about her. I hope things will get better for you as well.

Hi Ripley.  I hope I'm not intruding. 


I told him how I really need him to keep working on the therapy. And how I feel like I'm at a stopping point. How our relationship sometimes makes me feel like I'm wasting my time. It may sound hurtful but its true. I told him if doesn't give everything his all than I'm not waiting around.



He on the other could benefit from it.He does have issues, mostly with his family, that need sorted out. But bad anxiety. Maybe they can tell him not to take his physical pain out on others. Not just me. I have some social anxiety myself but its not at all the same as his.


With all due respect, he really needs to talk to a mental health professional. 

I'm sorry about how your mom treats you. :( I've seen your other posts about her. I hope things will get better for you as well.



well like I said now she has gotten to the point where she can say we are not communicating.  I still want to ring her neck for trying to make me do everything her way instead of just letting me try to get things done how I can.  I don't I'm always wrong.  Oh my gosh! I just posted something that I'm sure you can read.  Yes I've had a brain tumor and I'm slow starting things and stuff.  No mom I am not stuck at 3 years old.  I hope my psychologist can get that in her head because I sure cant.