Anybody else struggle with confidence, self-esteem, shyness, or anxiety?  If so how do you deal with it?

I've struggled with it pretty much my whole life---sometimes I'm confident for awhile and then it disappears again.
I also try to just be myself, but even that can be a struggle.

Feel free to share your secrets, tips, stories, quotes, songs, or movie clips related to this topic.

Guys/men express a lack of self confidence less than girls and women. We still have them but we don't scream it out, well I do, but that's a bit different.  :-X

One tip I can give you is to learn that selfishness is not a bad thing. We need it to live. I think men are taught to be more selfish than women, this doesn't help women's confidence. Women, culturally, are taught to be the selfless caretakers and stuff such as that.

Also, don't take what the spiritualists say too literally, selfishness isn't bad, we NEED it. I think when a person is told to care less about themselves, they can suffer from the self-esteem issues that come with it.

I used to struggle with confidence, still do sometimes. I used to be terrified of public speaking or drawing any sort of public attention to myself (even in small crowds of three or four I wanted to disappear). I had such low self esteem. I don't know if I would call it a tip or a trick or anything like that, but I have made myself take opportunities for public speaking engagements with my work, was a trainer for quite a while before becoming supervisor. This has helped me tremendously. I am also a wedding officiant in the past few years and that has helped as well with gaining confidence that I can do things well and have no reason not to believe in myself or put myself down. I had someone tell me "Believe in yourself, and other people will believe in you too." That simple statement was my light bulb moment. That helped me to gain confidence in myself. I still feel anxious sometimes if I am speaking to large crowds but I am much better than I was 10-15 years ago. People who have known me for a long time have remarked that they see the difference and that I seem so much more comfortable with myself now.

:)

During my childhood I've had a bit of shyness and meeting people growing up.

The short answer is YES!!!!

The long answer...hmmm, where to begin. I was never really shy but I have struggled with self-esteem issues all my life. I also struggle with anxiety.  I am much better in terms of my self-esteem but the anxiety...well, it seems to be increasing as the years go on.  :-\\

I used to have to do meeting in front of a lot of people, about 50 or so people-it was part of my job. The very first one I was very nervous that I was shaking. I introduced myself and then I said "If I seem nervous, it is because I am." People laughed and they gave me a little slack knowing it was my first time. It got a lot easier after that.  Now, I don't have a fear of public speaking. In fact, I gave the eulogy at my mom's memorial service. I also spoke at my dad's memorial service-but it was an impromptu speech. 



Cat

The short answer is YES!!!!

The long answer...hmmm, where to begin. I was never really shy but I have struggled with self-esteem issues all my life. I also struggle with anxiety.  I am much better in terms of my self-esteem but the anxiety...well, it seems to be increasing as the years go on.  :-\\

I used to have to do meeting in front of a lot of people, about 50 or so people-it was part of my job. The very first one I was very nervous that I was shaking. I introduced myself and then I said "If I seem nervous, it is because I am." People laughed and they gave me a little slack knowing it was my first time. It got a lot easier after that.  Now, I don't have a fear of public speaking. In fact, I gave the eulogy at my mom's memorial service. I also spoke at my dad's memorial service-but it was an impromptu speech. 



Cat


I understand that it is hard meeting people for the first time but after a while it takes time to get used to.

Feel free to share your secrets, tips, stories, quotes, songs, or movie clips related to this topic.


One of the few things I've learned in this life is that nobody really knows what they're doing, and the ones that look the most like they know what they're doing?  Most of them are just making it up as they go along.  The clever ones know they don't know what they're doing, but they keep on bluffing until they forget that they're bluffing.  (Many of these turn out to be televangelists, low-ranking politicians, businessmen, or con men.  Same thing, really.)  The really clever ones know that they don't know what they're doing, they also know when they're bluffing.  (The nice ones turn into people like Elon Musk.  The naughty ones create political movements.)  The really really clever ones know when they no longer need to bluff.  (I've never met any of those.)

Here are a three silly parables from 1990.  Let's start off with one set in the time when 1996, 1997, and 1998 were dates in the protagonist's far-off future, not the distant past.  The next is set in the protagonist's prime earning years, which illustrates what it really means to have a job and to leave one.  Finally, one set in what we might imagine as an afterlife, wherein we encounter the Divine.

Yes, yes, yes and yes.

I have had a horrible time dealing with it over the years.  I have very few "real life" friends (i.e. not on the computer).

Two pieces of advice that go along with everything else everybody have already said:

My husband tells me "Act as if" (for example: Act as if I was a friendly, confident person). Those three words have reminded me to keep acting as if and eventually I will be...a friendly confident person.

Stay open to new opportunities.  One of my favorite hobbies is playing trivia in bars (for gift certificates at said bar), I used to play by myself, then hubby got some of his friends to make a team and we're doing pretty good.  Now I still go (and try out new places to play) even when the team isn't available.  I make myself talk to people (small talk is about all I can muster.)  So whatever you like to do, look for opportunities to share that with someone else that likes doing that too.  Eventually, the confidence will come, maybe not full-blown cockiness (I doubt I'll ever hit that mark) but at least I am better then I was.

Also, check for anxiety, shyness meetings in your area.  Pittsburgh actually has a group (I found it on a website called "Meetup") that meet at the local library and even go do things together as a group.

Online I'm more sociable than IRL. I've never been someone who "fits in" with most groups. Eventually among groups of people I'll find I have some difference in opinion. If that difference is too big eventually it will bother me or bother others who think everyone should agree with eachother. I've never been one to go along with things if I really dislike something and can't just fake enjoying myself. When it comes to making friends I need to be very compatible with someone just to have enough to talk about. I'm not one for small talk if we don't have enough common ground. It also takes me quite some time to get comfortable around people. I don't just go up and talk to a person if I don't know what to say. Plus I don't know how they'd react. My biggest pet peeve is people finding fault with me not being open. I don't blab my whole life to just anybody, nor do I want to get into things that like family matters and personal stuff. I'm the quiet type to and me not talking is not a sign something is wrong! It's extremely irritating when anyone jumps to that conclusion. It takes time to cultivate relationships and years to truly know someone and to me people who are too open feel like they're trying to force too much too soon. You know what I mean?

I can,t say yes.  Growing up my dad always told us the we were as good as anybody else, no better, but no worse.  He also told us that we put our pants on just like the Rockefellers, one leg at a time.

I do.  I'm not too great in social situations. I'd rather hide than socialize with people.  I mean earlier today when we buried my grandfather I went in the back room, sat in the chair, and looked at my Facebook notices rather than go out in the back yard and socialize with the rest of the family.  But then that's just the way I've always been.  I'd rather let other people do all of the socializing for me while I disappear into the background where nobody can see me.

Whenever I struggle with confidence, shyness, or anxiety, I try to stay calm and take things one step at a time. As for social situations, depending on the situation I can feel comfortable being included, depending on who's in it and/or what they're talking about. However, many times I like to socialize with others; growing up I used to not enjoy doing it as much.

I do.  I'm not too great in social situations. I'd rather hide than socialize with people.  I mean earlier today when we buried my grandfather I went in the back room, sat in the chair, and looked at my Facebook notices rather than go out in the back yard and socialize with the rest of the family.  But then that's just the way I've always been.  I'd rather let other people do all of the socializing for me while I disappear into the background where nobody can see me.


Sorry to hear about your grandfather.  :( 
As for not going out into the backyard to socialize with others, don't be so hard on yourself.  Everyone deals with grief differently.

Yes, yes, yes and yes.

I have had a horrible time dealing with it over the years.  I have very few "real life" friends (i.e. not on the computer).

Two pieces of advice that go along with everything else everybody have already said:

My husband tells me "Act as if" (for example: Act as if I was a friendly, confident person). Those three words have reminded me to keep acting as if and eventually I will be...a friendly confident person.

Stay open to new opportunities.  One of my favorite hobbies is playing trivia in bars (for gift certificates at said bar), I used to play by myself, then hubby got some of his friends to make a team and we're doing pretty good.  Now I still go (and try out new places to play) even when the team isn't available.  I make myself talk to people (small talk is about all I can muster.)  So whatever you like to do, look for opportunities to share that with someone else that likes doing that too.  Eventually, the confidence will come, maybe not full-blown cockiness (I doubt I'll ever hit that mark) but at least I am better then I was.

Also, check for anxiety, shyness meetings in your area.  Pittsburgh actually has a group (I found it on a website called "Meetup") that meet at the local library and even go do things together as a group.


I just joined a "shy" group in my area.  We're supposedly meeting for the first time this Tuesday for some burgers and a movie. Several people have signed up for this outing...but wondering if anybody will actually show up (lol!).

I'm the quiet type to and me not talking is not a sign something is wrong!

When non-stop conversation isn't happening, I try to remind myself that having gaps of silence is acceptable.  I'm naturally quiet myself (think I got it from my dad).  I normally only speak when I have something I want to say unless there is that prolonged silence (can get awkward), or somebody is trying to have a conversation, which in that case it's only polite to ask questions etc. to show some interest.

Sorry to hear about your grandfather.  :( 
As for not going out into the backyard to socialize with others, don't be so hard on yourself.  Everyone deals with grief differently.


I did the same thing when my grandmother died.  I sat inside and chose not to socialize with anybody.  It's just my being anti-social but it's also my way of indicating whether or not I like you without actually saying "I love you" or "I hate you" out loud.

Sorry to hear about your grandfather.  :( 
As for not going out into the backyard to socialize with others, don't be so hard on yourself.  Everyone deals with grief differently.


I dealt with grief in my own way too.

I did the same thing when my grandmother died.  I sat inside and chose not to socialize with anybody.  It's just my being anti-social but it's also my way of indicating whether or not I like you without actually saying "I love you" or "I hate you" out loud.


Did most of them have any empathy towards you?

Did most of them have any empathy towards you?

Nobody ever did show any empathy towards me at all.  All two family members did to me were wonder when I was going to move out?  :P

Nobody ever did show any empathy towards me at all.  All two family members did to me were wonder when I was going to move out?  :P


That wasn't right of them to say that to you.  :(

When non-stop conversation isn't happening, I try to remind myself that having gaps of silence is acceptable.  I'm naturally quiet myself (think I got it from my dad).  I normally only speak when I have something I want to say unless there is that prolonged silence (can get awkward), or somebody is trying to have a conversation, which in that case it's only polite to ask questions etc. to show some interest.


This! It is ok for there to be small silences-especially for those that don't like to talk in the first place. And if you find yourself in an awkward postion with someone and need conversation filler because you or they are nervous, most people like to talk about themselves (even people who aren't talkers when asked questions that aren't too personal). Asking simple questions like, what all do you do at your job? or Do you have any hobbies? or What kind of books do you like? Of course, not all at once!  ;D Don't want to drill them with q's. But usually you can find something to talk about with just a couple of questions, and you make that person feel more at ease; then you feel more at ease. Personable, not personal. And don't forget, being a good listener is very valuable. Getting people to talk about themselves works for me  because I would rather listen than talk.

That wasn't right of them to say that to you.  :(


That happened when I was a lot younger than I am now.  And I'm still POed about it.

I'm still not sure how I'm going to approach Platinum Blonde if there's going to be an autograph session after their show next month.  I'm just hopeless when it comes to being social with people.  >:( That's how bad my confidence levels are. >:(

I'm still not sure how I'm going to approach Platinum Blonde if there's going to be an autograph session after their show next month.  I'm just hopeless when it comes to being social with people.  >:( That's how bad my confidence levels are. >:(


I've had my moments where I couldn't even approach a person just to blurt out, "Hi."

I'm still not sure how I'm going to approach Platinum Blonde if there's going to be an autograph session after their show next month.  I'm just hopeless when it comes to being social with people.  >:( That's how bad my confidence levels are. >:(


Can't you say "Hello ( lead singer of Platnium Blonde), my name is so and so and I'm a huge fan of your group"? ???

I'm still not sure how I'm going to approach Platinum Blonde if there's going to be an autograph session after their show next month.  I'm just hopeless when it comes to being social with people.  >:( That's how bad my confidence levels are. >:(
Firstly, the group will know exactly what you require from them, their autographs, start with a smile, thank them as they write,  then small talk, as them what is their favourite all time song?

Can't you say "Hello ( lead singer of Platnium Blonde), my name is so and so and I'm a huge fan of your group"? ???

That's an idea.

Can't you say "Hello ( lead singer of Platnium Blonde), my name is so and so and I'm a huge fan of your group"? ???


I can't even approach someone and say "hello!" I've never had to socialize with people. My sister did all of that.  I'm still rehearsing something to say but I'm not sure what type of impression I'm going to make on them if I don't at least try.  LOL! ;D

I can't even approach someone and say "hello!" I've never had to socialize with people. My sister did all of that.  I'm still rehearsing something to say but I'm not sure what type of impression I'm going to make on them if I don't at least try.  LOL! ;D


What are you afraid of?

What are you afraid of?


That I'll do or say something stupid in front of them and embarrass myself.

That I'll do or say something stupid in front of them and embarrass myself.

I used to have that fear about job interviews, but now that I've been going to them more frequently, I am less afraid and more confident.

But when it's about meeting someone, it might be different.

My confidence levels go right straight out the window whenever I meet someone new.  Like I might blurt out something that's really stupid or something that will make me feel awkward and make them feel awkward.

That I'll do or say something stupid in front of them and embarrass myself.


Hey, you only live once you never know until you try.

My confidence levels go right straight out the window whenever I meet someone new.  Like I might blurt out something that's really stupid or something that will make me feel awkward and make them feel awkward.


You know it's happens to all of us sometimes.

You know it's happens to all of us sometimes.


I know but it would be so embarrassing if something stupid happened or if I said something stupid.

I just joined a "shy" group in my area.  We're supposedly meeting for the first time this Tuesday for some burgers and a movie. Several people have signed up for this outing...but wondering if anybody will actually show up (lol!).


Did you go?  Did they actually meet?  What movie did you see?  I never actually made it to a meeting (not really sure why.)  It sounded fun, in theory. 

I know but it would be so embarrassing if something stupid happened or if I said something stupid.


That's why you should try to rehearse it before you go out and do it.

That's why you should try to rehearse it before you go out and do it.

Sometimes I have done that. :)

That's why you should try to rehearse it before you go out and do it.



Good advice, Howard.




Sometimes I have done that. :)



Carlos does that all the time. When we were dating and before I moved in with him, he inviting me over.  I walked in and he was in the shower. I heard him talking to someone. I was thinking, "Uh oh!" I was wondering if I was walking into an awkward situation and debating whether I should leave or not. Then he got out of the shower and I didn't hear any voices. I cautiously went toward the bathroom (he had the door open) and saw that he was alone. I asked him who he was talking to. He said, "Myself." He was actually trying out a speech for his students or somebody else. I breathed a BIG sigh of relief.  ;D ;D ;D ;D


After that, I have walked into a room and he would be talking to someone who isn't there. I ask him who he is talking to. He says, "Myself" but I correct him. I know he is trying out a speech on someone and I ask him again who it is. Then he tells me who it is.


Cat

I've been trying to do that.  :)  We'll see if it works.  :)

Good advice, Howard.




Carlos does that all the time. When we were dating and before I moved in with him, he inviting me over.  I walked in and he was in the shower. I heard him talking to someone. I was thinking, "Uh oh!" I was wondering if I was walking into an awkward situation and debating whether I should leave or not. Then he got out of the shower and I didn't hear any voices. I cautiously went toward the bathroom (he had the door open) and saw that he was alone. I asked him who he was talking to. He said, "Myself." He was actually trying out a speech for his students or somebody else. I breathed a BIG sigh of relief.  ;D ;D ;D ;D


After that, I have walked into a room and he would be talking to someone who isn't there. I ask him who he is talking to. He says, "Myself" but I correct him. I know he is trying out a speech on someone and I ask him again who it is. Then he tells me who it is.


Cat

Sometimes I do that too, when I am thinking aloud. One thing I practice saying in the mirror, to myself, is my "elevator speech"; that is, introducing myself to a potential employer or a networking group and talking about my job skills and what I can do... and keeping it to a limit of 30 seconds. Each time I present it, I am more confident.

Sometimes I am told that I have too much confidence, and that my ego is so big that it just isn't normal.

I'm naturally confident! Even if I fail, I'm a winner!  8)

Sometimes I am told that I have too much confidence, and that my ego is so big that it just isn't normal.

I'm naturally confident! Even if I fail, I'm a winner!  8)


That is correct, every failure is a learning experience and should not be viewed as a "failure". No person IS a "failure" even though they may EXPERIENCE a failure. BUT...there is a difference between knowing that one is not a failure and being boastful. There is a difference between being naturally self-confident and being boastful or considering oneself (or one's attributes such as hair or singing voice or photographs) "perfect". Truly self-confident people have a quiet air of self assurance.

That is correct, every failure is a learning experience and should not be viewed as a "failure". No person IS a "failure" even though they may EXPERIENCE a failure. BUT...there is a difference between knowing that one is not a failure and being boastful. There is a difference between being naturally self-confident and being boastful or considering oneself (or one's attributes such as hair or singing voice or photographs) "perfect". Truly self-confident people have a quiet air of self assurance.


Sometimes I over do it with confidence I admit it. But I can't help it!

I'm not a failure and I never will be.... :)

Sometimes I over do it with confidence I admit it. But I can't help it!

I'm not a failure and I never will be.... :)


The dreaded "I can't help it" must never be used as an excuse. If you are not a failure (and as I previously explained, nobody is) then how can you "not help" something? Are you in control or are your emotions?  Imagine if somebody said "sometimes I kill people but I can't help it". That would not be accepted. Of course you can help it!

I wonder if I can make money with these counseling services?  ;D

The dreaded "I can't help it" must never be used as an excuse. If you are not a failure (and as I previously explained, nobody is) then how can you "not help" something? Are you in control or are your emotions?  Imagine if somebody said "sometimes I kill people but I can't help it". That would not be accepted. Of course you can help it!

I wonder if I can make money with these counseling services?  ;D

How much would you charge?

How much would you charge?


It would be on a sliding scale.

It would be on a sliding scale.

"Life coaches" can earn lots of $.

I wonder if I can make money with these counseling services?  ;D


Funny thing. I have had several incidences where people will come up to me and ask for my advice. Sometimes I hardly know the people. One time I called a catalog number to make a purchase and the woman who was taking my order starting asking my advice as to how to deal with her mother.

True story:  A few years ago, Carlos & I went to a mine where you can find your own gems. The mine had a lot of quartz & mica. We were using a very sophisticated tool-a screwdriver. People would come up to us and ask us what we were mining for. We said, "Rocks." But what was really funny, people kept coming up to us and asking us questions as if we were the experts on rocks. Well, Carlos does have an undergraduate minor in geology & I have been collecting rocks since I was a kid. But we were very perplex why they thought we knew what we were doing.


Cat

Funny thing. I have had several incidences where people will come up to me and ask for my advice. Sometimes I hardly know the people. One time I called a catalog number to make a purchase and the woman who was taking my order starting asking my advice as to how to deal with her mother.

True story:  A few years ago, Carlos & I went to a mine where you can find your own gems. The mine had a lot of quartz & mica. We were using a very sophisticated tool-a screwdriver. People would come up to us and ask us what we were mining for. We said, "Rocks." But what was really funny, people kept coming up to us and asking us questions as if we were the experts on rocks. Well, Carlos does have an undergraduate minor in geology & I have been collecting rocks since I was a kid. But we were very perplex why they thought we knew what we were doing.


Cat


That is actually very common.  It was probably a different case with you and Carlos, but I have noticed that If a person acts like they know what they are doing, people will  immediately start treating them like they do, even if they are totally clueless. I have seen this happen in jobs more often than I would like. People are dying to follow leaders. Idiots move up in companies that way. Maybe you and Carlos were giving off an air of authority.

"Life coaches" can earn lots of $.

They get paid by the hour?

Humility is the key.