i've been a in a relationship for the past 9 years and I'd say I was truly happy for about 6 months of it.  I've fooled myself into thinking I was happy by making excuses but the truth is we are just not a good match.  We fight all the time, we never see eye to eye.  I've caught him talking to other people online in the past.  He screams at me.  He says things like "you're an a-hole" and "f&ck you".  All he really cares about is his job and himself.  He's very very selfish.

I know I'm not perfect, and he could probably name a hundred things he doesn't like about me.

So I've come to the point in my life where I'm wondering why I continue to waste time trying to make this work.  Why not just end it and be happy?  Will I be happy? 

There are two big catches.  We just bought a house together 2 years ago and we have a ton of debt...  What do I do about that?

Money you can get back eventually but years wasted in a relationship will never come back.

Of course I'm the last person to really give advice since I've never been in your position.
I am, however, a true believer in Takng care of yourself. If things haven't been good for 8 1/2 yrs then they will never be good.
I don't know this guy Bill and I don't you that well either but anyone who would belittle you lie that and not respect you is not in love with you.
Leaving him will be hard and scary emotionally, financially and Physically but I thunk you'll be better off in the long run.  One thing I know for sure is that you deserve better right now. Hope this helps.  

Yeah!  What she said!  The debt situation is not going to change so focus on the things you CAN change and get the hell out of there and sell the house!

Listen to snoz.  She is wise.



In my own opinion, your man sounds like a grade A douchebag.  You are a saint for putting up with him that long.  Kick his ass to the curb.

i've been a in a relationship for the past 9 years and I'd say I was truly happy for about 6 months of it.  I've fooled myself into thinking I was happy by making excuses but the truth is we are just not a good match.  We fight all the time, we never see eye to eye.  I've caught him talking to other people online in the past.  He screams at me.  He says things like "you're an a-hole" and "f&ck you".  All he really cares about is his job and himself.  He's very very selfish.

I know I'm not perfect, and he could probably name a hundred things he doesn't like about me.

So I've come to the point in my life where I'm wondering why I continue to waste time trying to make this work.  Why not just end it and be happy?  Will I be happy? 

There are two big catches.  We just bought a house together 2 years ago and we have a ton of debt...  What do I do about that?


Are you afraid to hurt his feelings? That could be a reason consciously or subconsciously why you haven't ended the relationship yet.

i've been a in a relationship for the past 9 years and I'd say I was truly happy for about 6 months of it.  I've fooled myself into thinking I was happy by making excuses but the truth is we are just not a good match.  We fight all the time, we never see eye to eye.  I've caught him talking to other people online in the past.  He screams at me.  He says things like "you're an a-hole" and "f&ck you".  All he really cares about is his job and himself.  He's very very selfish.

I know I'm not perfect, and he could probably name a hundred things he doesn't like about me.

So I've come to the point in my life where I'm wondering why I continue to waste time trying to make this work.  Why not just end it and be happy?  Will I be happy? 

There are two big catches.  We just bought a house together 2 years ago and we have a ton of debt...  What do I do about that?


At least you're mature enough to admit you're not perfect. It seems to me that out of the both of you, you're 3X as mature as him.

I could not provide better advice than what snozberries has written, so go with that. If things haven't been good for 8 1/2 years, they wll never be good. Don't fool yourself thinking it will improve. Find someone who respects you.

Basically, there are two sides to every story. But, focussing on the fact that you are not happy ...  you need to change things now.  Happiness should not be sought in others... work on yourself first and get YOU to a state where you like yourself ... and happiness may follow.

I don't think you need to be with your current guy though. In fact, being with no-one is healthier than being in a bad relationship. You can't work on your own issues easily whilst in this kind of relationship.

In this case... YOU first!

Snoz and Gibbo have said it better than I ever could.  Especially that part about being with no one is healthier than in a bad relationship. 

Feel free to PM me if you ever need to just vent.  I probably won't be able to help, but I can be a good set of ears. {{{hugs}}} :)

Dear Bill,

You want the long answer or the short?

Well, here's the short anyway: it's complicated. I don't know you well enough, I don't know your man at all, and I don't know zilch about relationships. Still...here's some questions  for you (you don't have to answer them on the board, just give it some thought - if you hadn't already!).

You've been with him for nine years, and you've been miserable most of the time. What was it in him that attracted you in the first place? And when and how did it change?
When was the first time you thought of ending your relationship, and why didn't you? Was it the sex? The money? The promises?
When was the last time he made you feel special? And when was the last time he told you he loved you (and meant it)?
Has he ever cheated on you? And have you ever cheated on him?
How many of the friends you had nine years ago are still your friends today? And how many of HIS friends..? In fact: do you have any mutual friends at all?
Are there any people you can talk to (apart from us lot)?
Does your man even KNOW you're thinking of leaving?
Have you considered therapy/counseling for your relationship? Or is your man unaware of the fact that you're not happy?

Reading inbetween the lines, I'm guessing you've become (very) dependent on your man, at least financially. That's never a healthy situation.
For your health's sake I hope there's someone 'in the real world' (a friend or relative) that you can turn to, and that will provide you shelter in case you decide to end your relationship. Because I have a feeling this could get dirty.

Well, I was planning on the short answer, but it turned out longer than expected. Not sure how all this is gonna make anything any easier for you...

What the questions Henk says to consider if you haven't and the fact that if you cant just keep living feeling misrable. 

I really appreciate everyone's kind words and advice.  I do have people in my life to turn to if need be.  I may have overreacted a little yesterday, was having a really bad day. 

I would appreciate if a moderator could either delete or close this thread.

i've been a in a relationship for the past 9 years and I'd say I was truly happy for about 6 months of it.  I've fooled myself into thinking I was happy by making excuses but the truth is we are just not a good match.  We fight all the time, we never see eye to eye.  I've caught him talking to other people online in the past.  He screams at me.  He says things like "you're an a-hole" and "f&ck you".  All he really cares about is his job and himself.  He's very very selfish.

I know I'm not perfect, and he could probably name a hundred things he doesn't like about me.

So I've come to the point in my life where I'm wondering why I continue to waste time trying to make this work.  Why not just end it and be happy?  Will I be happy? 

There are two big catches.  We just bought a house together 2 years ago and we have a ton of debt...  What do I do about that?



Reading this reminded me of my first marriage. He was a verbally abusive alcoholic who used to call me worthless all the time (and stupid me believed him) and everything that was wrong was my fault. He once lost his keys at work and it was my fault because I had the extra set and I was across town and couldn't be reached for a few hours.  ::)

After 6 years, I finally said enough and left. It was hard but I knew I had to do it-self preservation. I just knew he was going downhill and was going to take me with him.


From your post, it sounds like you have already made up your mind that you want to leave him. My suggestion to you is consult a lawyer about what your options are in regard to the house. Also, I don't know what your financial situation is (joint accounts and such) but I would suggest protecting your assets. I can't recall what state you live in and not too sure what the co-habitation laws are (I am assuming you are not married-but you may be common-law married depending on your state).  


If you need to vent or whatever, please feel free to PM me.


(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))



Cat

I really appreciate everyone's kind words and advice.  I do have people in my life to turn to if need be.  I may have overreacted a little yesterday, was having a really bad day. 


It's good to know you have people to turn to.

I'm still slightly worried though. Have you shared your feelings with your man or not? :-\\ If not, then nothing has been solved really...

Anyway - whatever happens, we're all here to listen and help (as far as we can). :)

We just bought a house together 2 years ago and we have a ton of debt...  What do I do about that?


Talk to a financial planner who knows the laws that apply to your particular state.  Assuming (possibly incorrectly) that you each have a 50% interest in the house, one of you can sell that interest in the house to the other.  Or you can each retain your respective interests in the house and sell the half-house to the other when/if you both decide it's time to sell the house.  Other than the house, I'd speculate that you're probably both responsible for your own respective debts independent of each other, but the laws will vary wildly from state to state.  Marriage laws vary month-to-month, and I wouldn't even want to guess as to whether your state recognizes common-law marriage in your situation.

It's rarely wise to mix business with pleasure, but if a relationship is truly over, you should both be able to treat the cleanup as a business transaction.  Any two random strangers off the street can enter into a joint partnership on a real estate transaction, no boinking is required.

Disclaimer:  My persistent belief that everything in life can be reduced to a series of business transactions may be a factor in why I haven't had a relationship in living memory.  My relationship advice would be "It sucks?  Walk".  But the financial stuff?  That's a decision that's relatively easy to figure out once you see a financial planner and/or family lawyer who knows the laws that apply to your state.

I really appreciate everyone's kind words and advice.  I do have people in my life to turn to if need be.  I may have overreacted a little yesterday, was having a really bad day.  

I would appreciate if a moderator could either delete or close this thread.


If your boyfriend is calling you an 'a-hole' and 'f*ck you' on a regular basis I don't think you are overreacting.

I had to make a harsh decision some time back between being in a relationship and being happy. I chose the latter and even though it was probably the most difficult thing I have done in my life I don't regret it. From what I can see in your post, being happy six months out of nine years is a bad deal. Sometimes life is about hard choices and you pretty much have two from what I can see - make do in the relationship or make good on your own for a while until you find somebody who is right for you.

Money or property in my opinion should never even enter the decision for personal happiness in a relationship and just clouds the real issues at hand.