I have a mother and father who keep trying to control my life. Anyone out there with parents who just don't know how to let go and let their children be? Parents who just can't get a clue?

Help, I can't stand my mother and father!!

How do you deal with people who just won't change? Do I just move out, never come back, and just accept that my parents aren't ever gonna change?

Get your own place far enough away.  As long as you are in their house, it is their way.

Get your own apartment far enough away.


Thanks for the advice Danoota.

My parents are unbearably stubborn. When I'm with them I feel like I can't breath because they keep trying to tell me how to be. I learned the hard way that they're controlling people because when I don't do what they say they get mad!

D is right... to gain independence you will have to move out...that doesn't mean they won't still try and control your life but you won't have to listen....

beware tho...if you ever go back to visit they will pick up where they left off. I'm 43 and my mom still wants to tell me what to do and how to dress... I just say uh huh and then do what i want.  ;D

D is right... to gain independence you will have to move out...that doesn't mean they won't still try and control your life but you won't have to listen....

beware tho...if you ever go back to visit they will pick up where they left off. I'm 43 and my mom still wants to tell me what to do and how to dress... I just say uh huh and then do what i want.  ;D


I don't think I'm coming back.  :-\\ That's how bad they are.

It's not like I'm one of those young people who are disobedient or rebellious. I'm truly nice to my parents and all they give me in return is their thirst for control.

I don't think I'm coming back.  :-\\ That's how bad they are.

It's not like I'm one of those young people who are disobedient or rebellious. I'm truly nice to my parents and all they give me in return is their thirst for control.


I hate to be one of those people I hated in my twenties but trust me in a few years you'll feel differently...
no bad how bad your parents are at some point you'll see them from a different perspective and realize it was not as bad as you think it is now....

My mother was driving me crazy-LITERALLY!!! If I lived under my mother's roof any longer than I did, I was heading for the loony bin-NO JOKE! NO EXAGGERATION!!!! I was 18 years old and knew I had to get out of that house as quickly as I could (self preservation). I didn't have a job, didn't have skills, didn't have any prospects. I did what I knew would get me out on my own the quickest-I joined the military. That also made my mother & my step-father very happy since my step-father was retired from the military. I'm not saying that is the right way for you to go, I'm just telling you the way I dealt with it.

Even after I left my mother's house at the age of 18, she still manipulated me-and unfortunately, I let her. I can't remember how old I was (about 30), the light bulb went off and I realized that my mother WAS manipulating me. Now, she still tries but I don't always let her. Sometimes I do but not always. The funny thing is, I can talk to her on the phone for hours and it is fine but I get in the same room with her and ten minutes later, I'm ready to pull my hair out. She still tries to treat me like I am 15 but now, I refuse to let her. I have to keep reminding her that I am an adult now. And I think I am more mature than she is. And I happen to think I turned out ok despite the fact that she was driving me insane.



Cat

I hate to be one of those people I hated in my twenties but trust me in a few years you'll feel differently...
no bad how bad your parents are at some point you'll see them from a different perspective and realize it was not as bad as you think it is now....


Snozberries, sorry, but I don't think so.  Lol! Thanks for replying though.

My mother was driving me crazy-LITERALLY!!! If I lived under my mother's roof any longer than I did, I was heading for the loony bin-NO JOKE! NO EXAGGERATION!!!! I was 18 years old and knew I had to get out of that house as quickly as I could (self preservation). I didn't have a job, didn't have skills, didn't have any prospects. I did what I knew would get me out on my own the quickest-I joined the military. That also made my mother & my step-father very happy since my step-father was retired from the military. I'm not saying that is the right way for you to go, I'm just telling you the way I dealt with it.

Even after I left my mother's house at the age of 18, she still manipulated me-and unfortunately, I let her. I can't remember how old I was (about 30), the light bulb went off and I realized that my mother WAS manipulating me. Now, she still tries but I don't always let her. Sometimes I do but not always. The funny thing is, I can talk to her on the phone for hours and it is fine but I get in the same room with her and ten minutes later, I'm ready to pull my hair out. She still tries to treat me like I am 15 but now, I refuse to let her. I have to keep reminding her that I am an adult now. And I think I am more mature than she is. And I happen to think I turned out ok despite the fact that she was driving me insane.



Cat


CatwomanofV, that's how I feel with BOTH or my parents. I literally feel like I'm crazy when I'm with them.

But I don't get it, why are some parents like this? Do they get off on annoying their kids?

CatwomanofV, that's how I feel with BOTH or my parents. I literally feel like I'm crazy when I'm with them.

But I don't get it, why are some parents like this? Do they get off on annoying their kids?




Maybe they don't realize how they are being.  They probably just want what is best for you but don't know how to let you know it without being controlling.

CatwomanofV, that's how I feel with BOTH or my parents. I literally feel like I'm crazy when I'm with them.

But I don't get it, why are some parents like this? Do they get off on annoying their kids?



Maybe we need actual examples

Some parents want to make sure their kids don't make the same mistakes they made
Others are afraid of where the world is heading and want their kids to turn out better than the average kid does nowadays.

I work on a college campus and I've seen all kinds of parents.

Somewhere I posted a conversation I had with a mom in sept. The woman was crazy (and probably) way more controlling than your parents are.

Here's the link. My post is the third one I think.
If your parents are this bad then you've def. got problems.  :D

http://www.inthe00s.com/index.php?topic=41620.0

CatwomanofV, that's how I feel with BOTH or my parents. I literally feel like I'm crazy when I'm with them.

But I don't get it, why are some parents like this? Do they get off on annoying their kids?




My mother has "issues." She had a breakdown way back in the dark ages where she ended up in the state hospital and hasn't been quite right since that time.



Cat

Maybe they don't realize how they are being.  They probably just want what is best for you but don't know how to let you know it without being controlling.


Dagnabbit, they DO know how they are being. They're not the kind of people that are flexible and they're not going to change even if they do know how they are being. Like I said they are stubborn.

You cannot change anyone!  You can only change yourself!  That includes your reaction to your parents.  I agree with all of the advice here.  Move out, yes them to death and make your own mistakes!  Good luck!

I'm going to be 37 next year and yes I still live with my Mother And Father,you'd think by my age I would get a good job,good salary,nice apartment and get married but problem is I just don't have the money for most things I want to do but I deal with the cards I am dealt with.

I have a mother and father who keep trying to control my life. Anyone out there with parents who just don't know how to let go and let their children be? Parents who just can't get a clue?

Help, I can't stand my mother and father!!

How do you deal with people who just won't change? Do I just move out, never come back, and just accept that my parents aren't ever gonna change?


What do they control about you? ???

Get your own place far enough away.  As long as you are in their house, it is their way.


Easier said than done, especially these days.  I don't live with my parents, but with my psych issues, my family has certainly had more than their share of say in my life.  The problem is they're often crazier than I am.  My father was quite controlling and he was chockful of stupid ideas.

Once I could afford not to, I quit speaking to him.  I didn't speak to him for eight years.  Now I keep our relationship on a simple chat basis.  I don't get into my problems with him. 

Easier said than done, especially these days.  I don't live with my parents, but with my psych issues, my family has certainly had more than their share of say in my life.  The problem is they're often crazier than I am.  My father was quite controlling and he was chockful of stupid ideas.

Once I could afford not to, I quit speaking to him.  I didn't speak to him for eight years.  Now I keep our relationship on a simple chat basis.  I don't get into my problems with him.   


MaxwellSmart, not only is my father controlling. So is my mother. I know they both love me, but sometimes I can't breath! Most of the times it's okay, but about 2 times a week something happens (like I forgot to pay my parking ticket or I forgot to take my antidepressants) and they go on a rampage like I just committed murder or cut off my own foot. It's infuriating! My life is my life and nobody else's to control.

You gave me a good idea. I don't think I'll tell my parents about my problems once I move out. Sure, I'll talk to them, but I won't tell them my mistakes or my problems.

MaxwellSmart, not only is my father controlling. So is my mother. I know they both love me, but sometimes I can't breath! Most of the times it's okay, but about 2 times a week something happens (like I forgot to pay my parking ticket or I forgot to take my antidepressants) and they go on a rampage like I just committed murder or cut off my own foot. It's infuriating! My life is my life and nobody else's to control.

You gave me a good idea. I don't think I'll tell my parents about my problems once I move out. Sure, I'll talk to them, but I won't tell them my mistakes or my problems.


My Mother loves me but My Father didnt understand my disability.  :(

My Mother loves me but My Father didnt understand my disability.  :(


I hope your father turns around one day and understands you.  :o

I joined the Army right out of high school, and once I got discharged I moved back in with my parents and went to UNL for a semester. I didn't move out until I was 25, and as soon as I did my relationship with my father almost instantly improved 1000%.

Since I've PMed you and found out that we're both from Lincoln, I have to ask you: Have you considered possibly moving to Omaha? It's far enough away that you could get the independence from your parents you desire and big enough that you could make somewhat of a fresh start, yet close enough to where you could hang with your old friends if you like.

I don't know if you've hung out there much but I think Omaha is a cool city.

MaxwellSmart, not only is my father controlling. So is my mother. I know they both love me, but sometimes I can't breath! Most of the times it's okay, but about 2 times a week something happens (like I forgot to pay my parking ticket or I forgot to take my antidepressants) and they go on a rampage like I just committed murder or cut off my own foot. It's infuriating! My life is my life and nobody else's to control.

You gave me a good idea. I don't think I'll tell my parents about my problems once I move out. Sure, I'll talk to them, but I won't tell them my mistakes or my problems.


I hear you 80sfan.  I've been there with both parents.  They're both nuts, more so than I.  In the last email conversation I had with my dad before I quit speaking to him all those years ago, I told him if it wasn't for his second wife supporting him, he'd be sleeping in a refrigerator box.  It's true.  So I told him he could shut his trap about me not being able to support myself!  That went over like a lead balloon with dad. 
::)

I joined the Army right out of high school, and once I got discharged I moved back in with my parents and went to UNL for a semester. I didn't move out until I was 25, and as soon as I did my relationship with my father almost instantly improved 1000%.

Since I've PMed you and found out that we're both from Lincoln, I have to ask you: Have you considered possibly moving to Omaha? It's far enough away that you could get the independence from your parents you desire and big enough that you could make somewhat of a fresh start, yet close enough to where you could hang with your old friends if you like.

I don't know if you've hung out there much but I think Omaha is a cool city.


I like Omaha more than Lincoln to be honest and I've lived in Lincoln since 1991. And yes, I might move to Omaha. Thanks for the idea.

I hear you 80sfan.  I've been there with both parents.  They're both nuts, more so than I.  In the last email conversation I had with my dad before I quit speaking to him all those years ago, I told him if it wasn't for his second wife supporting him, he'd be sleeping in a refrigerator box.  It's true.  So I told him he could shut his trap about me not being able to support myself!   That went over like a lead balloon with dad. 
::)


Does every kid go through this with their parents? Sometimes it feels like so.

I hope your father turns around one day and understands you.  :o


It was because I grew up with OCD.

Does every kid go through this with their parents? Sometimes it feels like so.


Remembering my own teen years, and those of my 4 kids, the answer is yes, to an extent, but it seems your case is extreme - or could it just seem so as a result of your depression?

Remembering my own teen years, and those of my 4 kids, the answer is yes, to an extent, but it seems your case is extreme - or could it just seem so as a result of your depression?


I can see why you'd think that depression would cause negative interpersonal relationships, but even with my medication my perception of them hasn't changed.

They both are too controlling and stubborn for me to compromise or talk with. It's come to the point where I don't think I will even want them in my life; but then again I haven't made an official decision yet.

I think me and Maxwellsmarts have the same parents!  ;D ;D

I like Omaha more than Lincoln to be honest and I've lived in Lincoln since 1991. And yes, I might move to Omaha. Thanks for the idea.


Not to get too far off topic, but have you ever been to the Dundee Dell in Omaha? Their fish and chips are so good they're worth driving 50 miles for.  ;)

move out! That's how you deal with them.

move out! That's how you deal with them.


Oh Howard, your wisdom is fast and snappy. I like it!!

Not to get too far off topic, but have you ever been to the Dundee Dell in Omaha? Their fish and chips are so good they're worth driving 50 miles for.  ;)



Trying to lure me to Omaha with food.  ;D

No to be serious I have not been to Dundee Dell, but I love fish and chips and the restaurant sounds great!

My mom has washed my brain for me as a kid.  She has had really strong control over me and it's still strong, it's just much easier of me to say say okay ( you know how big of a sun - - - your acting like?)  I'm still working on starting my own life.   

My mom has washed my brain for me as a kid.  She has had really strong control over me and it's still strong, it's just much easier of me to say say okay ( you know how big of a sun - - - your acting like?)  I'm still working on starting my own life.   


I hope you do start your own life!  :)

Oh Howard, your wisdom is fast and snappy. I like it!!


I should talk,gonna be 37 still live with them.  ::)

It has been harder then hard.  Not only am I dealing with a dysfunctional parent, but I had a brain tumor, so I'm somewhat disabled.  I've also become deaf.  My mom doesn't like that, but that's to dam bad.  I'm going to Drai ( disabled ??indipendant livingl)  meetings on my own now.  Things are geitting better slowly.

I should talk,gonna be 37 still live with them.  ::)


That's okay, you're still cool in my book.  8)

That's okay, you're still cool in my book.  8)



Thanks Karma to you.  :)

My parents aren't exactly "controlling", but they do look out for me A LOT, even now that I'm in my 30s. I don't know if that's good thing or not, but they do it in a most loving way that it doesn't bother me. They're parents, and I'm thinking that's what parents do. They always want to make sure I'm on the right track, and though I'm a grown woman now they are STILL protective of me. I tell them not to be, but they don't listen :( They're always giving me advice too, which I appreciate and love of course....they're older and know more about life than I ever will. My father sometimes tells me, "Jessica, be careful walking over that bridge. I've already walked through it." And he's right EVERY TIME! ;D   

Doesn't every parent control their kids?  :-\\

My parents tried to control us. When I was 16, I had a curfew to be home by 9pm or I would get in deep trouble. A 16 year old boy home by 9pm?  So I never came come by 9pm. I'd get home at 9am the next day  ;D    Then I was told I was worse than dogsh!t and that belonged in Auschwitz with other jews...(sigh)    In my dysfunctional family, my mom would stand by my bedroom door and listened to all my phone calls, and then asked me questions after that, even when I was in my 20s  "Who is that girl...20 minutes ago why did you ask her if she can go to the movies with you...did she say yes? What movie will you see? Do you like this girl? Are you gonna marry her? Is she Italian?" :-\\ 

She'd come in my room at 3am...just to see if I was asleep...even when I was in my 20s, and wake me up in the process  :-\\    My mom followed me around the house wherever I go and asks me what I am doing, all the time, even when I am 50 years old.      I had "zero" privacy when I lived there. Both my parents drove me insane in different ways (Dad was an alcoholic)

My mom still controls me now, and will do ANYTHING POSSIBLE, legal or illegal to control me. So I have terminated my relationship with her, forever.

My brother John moved out and my brother Joel is going to College right now and cant get a job right now.  I don't know if I'll be able to hear to work and am on SSI right now so I cant work right now.

My parents aren't exactly "controlling", but they do look out for me A LOT, even now that I'm in my 30s. I don't know if that's good thing or not, but they do it in a most loving way that it doesn't bother me. They're parents, and I'm thinking that's what parents do. They always want to make sure I'm on the right track, and though I'm a grown woman now they are STILL protective of me. I tell them not to be, but they don't listen :( They're always giving me advice too, which I appreciate and love of course....they're older and know more about life than I ever will. My father sometimes tells me, "Jessica, be careful walking over that bridge. I've already walked through it." And he's right EVERY TIME! ;D 


Sometimes Parents can be a bit overprotective.

My mom still controls me now, and will do ANYTHING POSSIBLE, legal or illegal to control me. So I have terminated my relationship with her, forever.

But you still love her? :(

Sometimes Parents can be a bit overprotective.


That's true. But, it doesn't really bother me when my parents do that 'cause I know they mean well.

Glad to see that I'm not alone. Compared to my other friends, it seems as though I had the most controlling parents. I remember that one of my friends even asked me one time if my mother was still ridiculously strict.

And now I am travelling all the way across the country to visit them for Christmas when I already had an extended invitation from my aunt, who is only about a 2.5 hour car ride away. Somehow I think I've made a big mistake...

I hyperventilate and whenever my mother gets too controling and then I yell at her for "doing it again!"

Be thankful that you still have parents

Be thankful that you still have parents


I don't get violent with my mother thank you.  ::)

Be thankful that you still have parents


I am quite thankful that I have My Mother And Father, they can be controlling at times but they're only to guide me in the right direction. :)

I don't get violent with my mother thank you.  ::)


me neither, I love her too much.  :)

I don't get violent with my mother thank you.  ::)




I don't think he's saying that.  I think he is just pointing out that some on this board don't have parents anymore. 

I don't think he's saying that.  I think he is just pointing out that some on this board don't have parents anymore.


Yes, that was it.  Neither Cat nor I have living parents, and we both miss them

Yes, that was it.  Neither Cat nor I have living parents, and we both miss them


Ahh okay.  I'm sorry.  Why didn't you just say that?

Ahh okay.  I'm sorry.  Why didn't you just say that?


Where did you get out of his post that he was saying you got violent with your mom?

Where did you get out of his post that he was saying you got violent with your mom?


I don't know? Maybe I missed something important that he was saying or I wasn't interpreting it the way he wanted me to?

Ahh okay.  I'm sorry.  Why didn't you just say that?


he did say that....

"be thankful you have parents"


I don't know? Maybe I missed something important that he was saying or I wasn't interpreting it the way he wanted me to?





It's pretty clear that the unspoken follow up to that statement is "....because there are people who don't have theirs"

I got it now.  I should have asked what he meant.  :)

I am quite thankful that I have My Mother And Father, they can be controlling at times but they're only to guide me in the right direction. :)

Yes they are, Howard.

Since I started this thread, let me chime in again.  ;)

It's not that I'm not grateful for my parents, it's just that their pushiness and aggressiveness (when they are being pushy and aggressive) makes me feel like a little ant being cornered. Or like a little ant under their boots. Don't get me wrong, it's all good intentioned, but horribly executed.

And yes, making someone feel like they're hyperventilating isn't productive, and it's kind of a selfish thing to do, "I don't care that you feel smothered or pushed down, just do what I say when I say it!"

I, and other kids with aggressive parents can't help disliking our parents or being angry at them sometimes. Why? It's human nature to feel angry when someone is pushing you around.

This doesn't mean I don't love them. It just means that during from 2009 to 2012, they were bossy 60% of the time. And when they weren't bossy they were being passive aggressive (in a bad way). The reason for this is because from 2009 to 2012 my family and I figured out about my anxiety, and my parents dealt with it horribly. Can you imagine being around that toxic energy 24/7 for three years?

It's better between my parents and I now. But not everything they did/said during that three year period was excusable. I went on here for advice and help. I was angry and some of you gave some great advice, but I saw a dark/tyrannical/egotistical side to my parents I never want to see again. I know it's a provocative subject in our society to say negative things about our parents, but they were so terrible to me I couldn't hold in all that anger.

Again, thank you everyone for their advice! It really helped.

-80sfan-

Since I started this thread, let me chime in again.  ;)

It's not that I'm not grateful for my parents, it's just that their pushiness and aggressiveness (when they are being pushy and aggressive) makes me feel like a little ant being cornered. Or like a little ant under their boots. Don't get me wrong, it's all good intentioned, but horribly executed.

And yes, making someone feel like they're hyperventilating isn't productive, and it's kind of a selfish thing to do, "I don't care that you feel smothered or pushed down, just do what I say when I say it!"

I, and other kids with aggressive parents can't help disliking our parents or being angry at them sometimes. Why? It's human nature to feel angry when someone is pushing you around.

This doesn't mean I don't love them. It just means that during from 2009 to 2012, they were bossy 60% of the time. And when they weren't bossy they were being passive aggressive (in a bad way). The reason for this is because from 2009 to 2012 my family and I figured out about my anxiety, and my parents dealt with it horribly. Can you imagine being around that toxic energy 24/7 for three years?

It's better between my parents and I now. But not everything they did/said during that three year period was excusable. I went on here for advice and help. I was angry and some of you gave some great advice, but I saw a dark/tyrannical/egotistical side to my parents I never want to see again. I know it's a provocative subject in our society to say negative things about our parents, but they were so terrible to me I couldn't hold in all that anger.

Again, thank you everyone for their advice! It really helped.

-80sfan-


Thanks for sharing that.


I know it's a provocative subject in our society to say negative things about our parents, but they were so terrible to me I couldn't hold in all that anger.



I am not saying this is your case (but maybe mine  ;D) but some people who are parents...should have never been parents. I shared this in another thread "Living with an alcoholic" but when you have a dad who was an alcoholic, verbally and physically abusive to anyone in the family, and sexually abusive (but I fought and he never won), mean, arrogant, argumentative..arguing for the sake of arguing just so he can be an asshole to you, condescending, lying, controlling, cheating, stealing from you and a hateful type of human being....

I think any child doesn't deserve that and has a right to complain.

Thanks for sharing that.

I am not saying this is your case (but maybe mine  ;D) but some people who are parents...should have never been parents. I shared this in another thread "Living with an alcoholic" but when you have a dad who was an alcoholic, verbally and physically abusive to anyone in the family, and sexually abusive (but I fought and he never won), mean, arrogant, argumentative..arguing for the sake of arguing just so he can be an asshole to you, condescending, lying, controlling, cheating, stealing from you and a hateful type of human being....

I think any child doesn't deserve that and has a right to complain.


I quite agree warped.  Most people who call themselves "parents" and didn't really have good role models for their parenting skills to begin with shouldn't ever be parents. 
My father is a good indication to me of why I don't have any kids.  At first when I was little I really did love him and I still do love him, he is my dad afterall, but when I got older and older I noticed that his true colours started showing in ways that I wasn't even aware of at the time.
He expressed his dislike for my mother in front of us.  Told us "your mother lets you do whatever you want." When the truth of the matter was my mother never let us get away with anything.  ???
The only way I could keep my sanity of the upheaval that was going on in my house was to sneak out of the house and ride my bike  to the library to read.  I never told anybody where I was going at that point because I wanted to be by myself.  In fact going to the library was the only way I could keep my sanity.