I decided to start this thread. As I know I am not the only one who is/has experienced this.  I only have my mother left (and a brother and a sister).  I have already lost all of my grandparents, father and a brother.  I am about 2 hours away from my mother, and I have a full time + job, and 2 lovely daughters (6 and 7) and a wonderful husband.  Unfortunately I am the youngest of siblings, by 14, 13 years and I was always told by my mother that I was going to stay and take care of her.  Well this foiled her plan:
  (1) when I went to college- she didn't think I should
  (2) when I did not go to college for something she approved of (I chose Urban Forestry)
  (3) after college when I got a job away from home
  (4) when I married my husband and moved 2 hours away (from Illinois to a "dreaded" state Iowa - this is the thinking of my mom)

It has been 10 years married, and my mother has been alone in her house at least 15 years.  She has always had "issues"  I blame it on too much that has gone wrong (or too much bad in her life).  She loses things constantly, and always blames it on someone else...  So now no one is in the house (so people are breaking in).  She keeps the house locked like fort knox.  I have asked her to move closer to us (the girls love her dearly, and so that she could be part of our lives) - but I guess it has only been her house that has never "betrayed" her....  so it is so far a no go.  She fell 5 years ago and a crack in her c1 vertebrae in her neck was discovered.  She wrecked her car (my old car that we gave to her).  So she has had no vehicle for 4 years.  She is on a very fixed income.  I try and try, and I am met by hostility and rejection (my fault for leaving)...

Neighbors are leaving us note (they believe it is Alzheimer's - but honestly this has gone on all of my life... It is more outward now, she has no one in the house to blame/talk to).  Yes, definitely something wrong (I believe mental breakdowns have occured at several traumatic spots in her life - catching her husband/love of her life sleeping with someone, my father leaving her, her father's death (whom she was closest too), then her mother's death, my brother's death, then each one of my "breaking" away -college, job, marriage...  She also suffered from severe head trauma at 16 from a car accident, and had to relearn everything, and relative's always said she completely changed personality after that. 

She is a very strong person, stubborn, and can still physically do probably anything.  I worry about her, even though to others, I guess it appears I do not care enough.  A good daughter would have had her move with them.  I have asked, begged and pleaded.  I have played the grand daughter game (I have tried withholding visits - who is that hurting....). 

Anyhow - I want to know how some are coping/dealing with their failing parents or family member or maybe just to chat about it.  I know it is hard, and hurts soo much to be in such a place of difficulty.  I have much more to ask and tell, but I will not exhaust you with a single post.  I am not asking for solutions here, for I know there are not any "easy" one size fits all solutions. 
The Dynamic's of the Human Mind does not allow for this....

I had an aunt that never wanted to leave her house, probably Alzheimer's.  Don't know 2kidsami, but you can't blame yourself.



In my case, I've been putting up with my mothers bullsheesh since birth.  This is what gave me hope that there is a God.  I never tried to do my own thing in the past and I never realized that I was just being continuously bullsheeshted.  I've been praying for her for probably 20 years if not more and she gotten quieter.  This includes keeping me from commiting suside and what I should do.There's nothing more I can do for her and It's come to me or her.  I'd rather be in jail for forgetting to do something or whatever if that would be the case then continuing my no hope not live as a disfunctional slave.  Are you ready mom to reap what you sewed?  You better get rid of me.

Sami I hope you get to a point where you assuage yourself of the guilt you seem to feel. Sounds to me you've tried everything you can to help her or make life easier for her... getting her to relocate and stuff...

You had to live your life not her life and even if she can't see that you know its true... think of it this way... you're a mom with two kids- when the youngest goes to college and gets married and just- you know- has a life.... do you think she'd love you less because grew up and moved on? that's what parenting is getting the kids to the next stage of their lives.. .your mom just can't see it but know that you own no part in what's going on with her you are doing all you are capable of doing.. unless you're willing to kidnap and move her to your house I can't possibly see what else you can do.

Ann-

I don't know how to say this but I'm just going to say it... one I hope you don't commit suicide- it never really solves problems

two- seems to me you have some real issues with your mom and maybe getting out of the house and into some type of assisted living facility or halfway house might help you out...

you need to take some sort of action or responsibilty for your life at some point. you blame your mom a lot for a lot of things and I dont know you or your mom so I can't speak to this but you say she lies and tells you bull crap....sorry but in this day and age there is no reason to be in the dark.. you spend hours at a time at your computer start doing some research- find out how the world works. look for assistance programs, look for a case worker at social services or a hearing advocate who can help you find your way to independence. I know Modesto is a small town but its not that small...  plus CSU Stanislaus is right there and UC Merced is about 40 miles away... both of these may have programs that can help you or at least some direction on where to start looking.

as for me- you all know my dad has been sick...

his heart, his kidneys, his diabetes his hearing, his knees, his eyes his everything... frankly I thought he was going to die two years ago. I'm surprised he didn't.  His memory seems to be going now too...

what scares me is my mom tells me she has had some recent medical scares and is in the process of getting tested....

this is going to be totally selfish but I hope when it happens my dad goes first...no way my dad can make it on his own and no way I'm moving to AZ to help.  My mom at least- once my dad goes- has decided to go back to holland where they have better health care and where she can be with her family...

Being the youngest and before I married Carlos, I didn't have a family. I thought that I would be the one who would have to take care of my mother. I am extremely grateful to my two sisters who live down in Conn. If it ever comes down to the fact that my mother can live in her home anymore (which it is getting VERY close to that point), they have determined that my mother should move to Conn. Not to move in with either one of them but be put up in a retirement community close by. When I first heard this news, I had a BIG sigh of relief. I could NEVER be caregiver to my mother. If I did, I would totally lose my sanity-and I am not being facetious here. I am being totally serious.

Several years ago, she broke her leg and begged me to go and help her. I stayed for a week and it was the week from HELL! I was basically her personal slave doing just about everything. I kept saying that I only had two hands. Then her best friend showed up and she thought that I was her personal slave also. The two of them where telling me to do this and that-and sometimes they were both telling me to do something completely different. I only have two hands, I kept telling them. But it just wasn't enough. I took the bus to & from her place (about a 4-5 hour bus ride one way with changing buses in Albany). I remember on the bus on the way home-I felt like Mole from the Wind & the Willows smelling home as I got very close to the my stop. A friend of mine picked me up and the first thing she said to me was, "You look haggard." When I finally got to my apartment, I walked in and saw Carlos' coat & then I saw him-sitting on my couch. I had never been so happy to see anybody in my life after the week I had. 

I do love my mother dearly, but at a distance. That is the only way I can keep my sanity. I can talk to her one the phone. I can spend hours with her on the phone-but I get in the same room with her and I am ready to pull my hair out within 10 minutes.



Cat

Ann-

I don't know how to say this but I'm just going to say it... one I hope you don't commit suicide- it never really solves problems

two- seems to me you have some real issues with your mom and maybe getting out of the house and into some type of assisted living facility or halfway house might help you out...

you need to take some sort of action or responsibilty for your life at some point. you blame your mom a lot for a lot of things and I dont know you or your mom so I can't speak to this but you say she lies and tells you bull crap....sorry but in this day and age there is no reason to be in the dark.. you spend hours at a time at your computer start doing some research- find out how the world works. look for assistance programs, look for a case worker at social services or a hearing advocate who can help you find your way to independence. I know Modesto is a small town but its not that small...  plus CSU Stanislaus is right there and UC Merced is about 40 miles away... both of these may have programs that can help you or at least some direction on where to start looking.


suiside isn't going to happen.  I don't want to kill my mom either.  I do blame my mom a lot and there is a reasom to blame her.  Also having learning problems and such plays a role in this too.  I do have a responsibility to do something.  I think things are getting better between us and we finally got  my medical records. ( I didn't know I could get a hold of them or I would have a long time ago) She's still calling all my shots though and in the family it's always been her way.  There's a service in which I can pay to have someone come over every once in a while and make sure I'm paying my bills and whatever.  I'm told I can't aford a house cool, whats in a house? do I need a house?.  I'm thinking at this point, get an apartment and pay fr someone to come keep and eye on me.  I may find over the years that I can take care of everything just fine.  I might not get an apartment right away, but whatever happens, I got to be ready to stand up to my mom and bitch back if she wants it her way or the highway. 

The time has not arrived yet where my mother needs her children to look after her.  Heck, she's 68 and works full-time.  However, I see her aging and her cognitive abilities slipping a bit.  She will probably need to "retire" in the next five years.  The problem is neither of my sisters has the patience for her.  Among the four of us, my mother and my sibs, we have every neurosis in the book covered.  My lifelong clinical depression has rendered me somewhat disabled, so I will not be able to give her the financial and residential accommodations I would like to if the need arises.  My mother is a difficult person -- not malicious, just kinda nutso, she don't mean no harm -- and my sisters take her insensitive behavior a too personally.  They have not learned to forgive her for what she cannot help.  Fortunately, we all live in the same area, so I think we'll be able to manage her needs if she gets too sick to take care of herself adaquately.  

I remember when my paternal grandmother was getting too old to look after herself, she was extremely obstinate about giving up her independence.  She lived in a plush condo complex, but one with no amenities for the elderly.  Thus, she continued to drive when she was practically blind.  Her vision got so bad she couldn't read the labels on her prescriptions.  She became increasingly frail and her liver started to fail.  Her kids were insisting she move to an assisted living facility, but she got enraged every time the suggestion was raised. Grandma was stubborn and formidible.   Her independence and her privacy were integral to her sense of dignity.  However, when you're 87 years old and dying of cirrhosis, it is not possible -- and not expected -- for a person to maintain the same level of independence and privacy she had ten years earlier.  It was not until my aunt went to check on her mother and found her jaundiced yellow and collapsed in her own filth that they were able to extract her. However, before the family could arrange better accommodations, the Lahey Clinic gave the grim prognosis that Grandma had perhaps two weeks to live.  Grandma being Grandma, she survived another six weeks before succombing to cirrhosis a month before her 88th birthday.  

I know the last thing Grandma would have wanted was to be found in the state she was in when my aunt discovered her apartment all awry and her person a mess.  I was glad she didn't die like that.  Her mental faculties were razor sharp to the end.  Last time I spoke to her was on the phone and she spoke in her familiar tone of grace and dignity, never a word out of place and always in the Locust Valley lockjaw!  "Well, dah-ling, I must go, the nurse is here to help me with the baahth," I remember her saying.  I could tell she was peacefully resigned.  My sister called a few days later with the news of her passing.

suiside isn't going to happen.  I don't want to kill my mom either.  I do blame my mom a lot and there is a reasom to blame her.  Also having learning problems and such plays a role in this too.  I do have a responsibility to do something.  I think things are getting better between us and we finally got  my medical records. ( I didn't know I could get a hold of them or I would have a long time ago) She's still calling all my shots though and in the family it's always been her way.  There's a service in which I can pay to have someone come over every once in a while and make sure I'm paying my bills and whatever.  I'm told I can't aford a house cool, whats in a house? do I need a house?.  I'm thinking at this point, get an apartment and pay fr someone to come keep and eye on me.  I may find over the years that I can take care of everything just fine.  I might not get an apartment right away, but whatever happens, I got to be ready to stand up to my mom and bitch back if she wants it her way or the highway. 












I figured as much that's why I suggested going to social services and getting a case worker...someone who can help you figure out what you will and won't be capable of handling. And also why I suggested an assisted living facility of some sort that's a good step to getting out of your mothers control without being 100% on your own.  Maybe, I don't start networking with people who are going into the social services field.  there may be a student going to CSU who needs a roommate and some practical experience with assisting someone for credit or something... there are so many options available to you you just have to figure out what they are and start finding that independence you need so much.

^ My brother John is an adult now and being room mates for a while has been thought of in the past.  We'll see what happens, but I'm definatly trying to plan for something to happin.  Thats the thing, If I either am with my brother for a while or hire someone for a while and take notes or whatever I need to d to remember what I need to do as far as whatever, I should be just fine.  I'm not stupid and wish mom would stop acting like I'm helpless, because I never have been, just have had someone fudge my mind all up. 

I know from personal experience of my two Grandmothers and from friends and work collegues, the hardest part by far is admiting you are at the point where someone might need to go into a care assisted facility.

My aunt tried to cope with one of my Nan's at home when she developed dementia and ended up on the point of physical and mental exhaustion herself. It wasn't until my Nan attacked the doctor and bit her that something was done!
Yet both my mother and my aunt felt nothing but agonizing guilt at putting her in a care home. As it turned out when my Mum went to see my Nan she actually got thanked for sending her to the lovely hotel. My Nan was very, very happy there and we all knew she was getting the correct care and attention.

With my other Nan it was different, she had a very bad stroke. She still was as sharp as a razor mentally but physically completely disabled. She was always fiercely independant and a very shy and private person. She hated every minute of her time in care and pleaded constantly to come home, but she was so disabled and frail it was just not possible.
With hindsight I think a lot of it was also frustration at her body letting her down when her brain was still active. Also the home she was in had a habit of lumping all the stroke patients together and she spent long, long days sat with complete vegetative people on each side of her! We could never understand why they didn't sit the ones who were able to talk next to each other so they could do exactly that!! We did suggest it, but it was the way they did things there.

I so far have been lucky,my dad will be 81 in March and other than bad knees and diabetes that they just discovered 2 years ago he manages to get around fine. My sister still lives at home, but at age 52 she seems more like the 81 year old.my dad stills drives fine,he goes to euchre tournaments at least 3 times a week.His mother was a strong lady from German stock who lived at home until she was in her late 90's,she lived in the nursing home till she died at the age of 101.My father says he plans to do just the same.
(My mom died in 1985 :\'()

Thank you all for sharing your stories...

I think the one idea that we can see from all posts - it is never easy.  We as children can not determine, nor make happen, and ideal situation.

Today is the day that my brother is supposed to meet with us.  But so far, no call, no nothing.  So perhaps it will go to the back burner once again.  Except for me, the closest to the situation.  I see it, and I wish I could say - yes she is moving closer, and all is done.  But Mother is not willing to move, and in order to get her determined "unfit to make her own decisions" she will have to fail greatly.  She is (or has so far) been able to shovel the snow, mow the double lot yard, keep painting house (3 stories mind you), and all the other "daily" exercises one goes through.  She just fails mentally, and this is nothing new (all of my life - in my high school she was always known as the crazy crossing guard who yells at the kids driving to fast).  She too is very strong, stubborn, and quite formidable.  Her mental incapacitation, is more a result of depression and mental breakdowns, than true "dementia" in the aging (so I am sure, but she has not been to a Dr. since the neck injury, and before that 20+ years - unless it is an emergency).  And she is under the stigma that a "mental breakdown" means you are "crazy" and need to be put in a "nut house"  (unfortunately as angry teenagers, I think all of us kids have told her she should be put there.... :-\\)  so to get help for her mind is almost a no go...

Well on for the day, and THANK YOU ALL!!!  If anything this is helping me, and hopefully this is helping others as well.  Lot's of love and THanks again

It helps me a lot to talk about this kind of stuff and yeah, I'm coming out of so much depression and a totally negative view on the world.  I don't know if I know what I'm planning to be doing, but it's good. 

Councelling wont do me a bit of good.  Gathering as much wisdom as possible does. 

She is not going to a nut house because she is crazy. I don't know the best way to word it , but if she can somehow be convenced.  You can't make her go against her will.

It helps me a lot to talk about this kind of stuff and yeah, I'm coming out of so much depression and a totally negative view on the world.  I don't know if I know what I'm planning to be doing, but it's good. 

I hear you on that one.  My depression is like a cancer of the soul.  No cure, just palliative care, hope for remission.

Councelling wont do me a bit of good.  Gathering as much wisdom as possible does. 
I find more wisdom comes with age.  I measure behavior with consequences of behavior and try and learn from it.  However, this still does not relieve the malady of clinical depression. 

She is not going to a nut house because she is crazy. I don't know the best way to word it , but if she can somehow be convenced.  You can't make her go against her will.


It is really hard to be committed to a mental hospital nowadays.  Even involuntary commitment rarely exceeds a few weeks -- or months in severe cases.  Patients with self-destructive or criminal behavioral problems get milled through the system time and again.  In the old days, I would have been committed merely for being despondent and depressed. 
::)

While my own kidhood was quite normal and my parents both sane and supportive, I can empathize having survived a paranoid and highly critical mother-in-law for over 20 years.  I know how hurtful and destructive such a person can be even though I was already a strong adult when I encountered her.  I hope you all find some healing.

We all must try to remember, if things go as they should, we will all be in the position of our parents one day, and our children will be in our position.

While my own kidhood was quite normal and my parents both sane and supportive, I can empathize having survived a paranoid and highly critical mother-in-law for over 20 years.  I know how hurtful and destructive such a person can be even though I was already a strong adult when I encountered her.  I hope you all find some healing.



Not to mention dealing with your PRESENT mother-in-law.  ;)



Cat

We all must try to remember, if things go as they should, we will all be in the position of our parents one day, and our children will be in our position.



Thats why, in my case, I'm not having kids.  I'm messed up.

I hear you on that one.  My depression is like a cancer of the soul.  No cure, just palliative care, hope for remission.
I find more wisdom comes with age.  I measure behavior with consequences of behavior and try and learn from it.  However, this still does not relieve the malady of clinical depression. 

It is really hard to be committed to a mental hospital nowadays.  Even involuntary commitment rarely exceeds a few weeks -- or months in severe cases.  Patients with self-destructive or criminal behavioral problems get milled through the system time and again.  In the old days, I would have been committed merely for being despondent and depressed. 
::)


I think I meant to say knowlege.  You might be able to figure out where it's coming from and what it is.  Thats what I was saying/ trying to say. 

Today, my mom has given me a paper on brain tumor radiation effects and medical stuff.  Good, then lets go get the testing instead of trying to put me in organizations that don't know how to help and /or don't want to.   

Just my two cents...

Sometimes a trained therapist can really help you deal with OTHER people...not so much your own issues.  I have had some major issues with family members myself.  There are some people in this world that are just toxic, and it sounds like both of you (Sami and Wildcard) are dealing with those types of people.  We can't always just walk away from them, even though sometimes it might be the best thing for us.  I finally broke down and started seeing a counselor.  Not necessarily because of my issues, but because of theirs.  You don't always realize the toll that other people can take on your psyche and your soul.  I haven't been going for very long, but it has really helped me deal with the negativity in my life, and it might help you guys too. 

Love to both of you! 

^ Yes, counciling will only help relationships between people.

Like a nail thats been hammered into a fince, you can remove the nail, but the hole will still be there

For me, we are getting into the medical testing for things that could have come about from my medical issues.  It may be found that I suffer dinial.  I may find that I can still live just fine, but under sertian surcumstances.  When I had my brain tumor, I was very fortunate to have had a doctor from the university of San Fransisco to operate on me, because no one in Modesto knew how to treat the type of tumor I had.  This is something else to consider. I just know at this point that there's been disfunction in the past and it's been done to me and it's been done to me.

We all must try to remember, if things go as they should, we will all be in the position of our parents one day, and our children will be in our position.


Not me!!!  8)

I feel ya, Sami.

My dad has Type 2 Diabetes, partial hip replacement and is currently experiencing serious vertigo again (he fell twice after my visit to take him to dr).  He had cataract surgery this summer and needs it for the other eye soon.  He is 79 and frailer than I ever imagined he could be.  He was back to using his walker for almost a week b/c his legs were so weak (the fact that he acquiesced to using it is huge).  However, in his mind he can still do everything.  Not a good combination.  He has lost 4 out of 5 siblings to various forms of cancer.  He lost his younger (and only) brother a little over 18 months ago and his younger sister last month (about a week before Christmas).  Mom says he doesn't remember attending Uncle Jeff's funeral (he did, I know b/c I went with him--we drove 1.5 hrs south to Grand Rapids for the funeral, then 2.5 hrs north to Ludington to visit Mom in hospital).  Of course, she didn't tell me that until AFTER his dr appt so I didn't mention it (still waiting for THAT call back).  It took him 2 days to acknowledge Aunt Delphine's death as far as I know.  He is going through their money faster than it is coming in (they are both retired so rely on Soc Sec).  He won't allow me any info about their situation and he has enough of his faculties that I can't have him declared incompetent so I can take over their finances, etc.  I barely have control of the medical appointments.

My mom turned 74 yesterday.  She is on oxygen, takes anti-anxiety and anti-depressant pills, drinks too much, smokes and gets into these moods where she is very melodramatic.  She talks about how bad the health of my aunt and uncle are (the ones who live across the street, her 2nd oldest bro) and what a hypochondriac my aunt is.  Textbook case of pot and kettle, but don't say that to her.  Her oldest bro (who lives in AZ) is exhibiting signs of Alzheimer's or at least some form of dementia.  This according to her.  I didn't notice anything when he visited in Aug, but again another textbook pot/kettle example.  She talks about death a lot and how she wants to go quickly.  I'm pretty sure this is why she still smokes and drinks so much.

They are both extremely hard of hearing and I worry about them every day living alone so isolated (they have become very antisocial).  I go over for medical appointments (I don't want either of them driving) and when I can to clean their house (it is too much house for them).  Unfortunately, it has been on the market for a few years.  They have done some wonderful renovations and their view is to kill for (and they have a good amount of square footage), but the house needs serious repairs.  They can't do them by themselves and they can't afford to have them done professionally.  I am working on options, but I suck at that stuff.  I have to learn how to fix holes in walls, reattach tile counters to walls and find money to replace appliances--just for a start.  I live about 1.5 hrs away and my brother moved to Florida 2 years ago.

My mom told me over the holidays that if they don't sell the house this spring (I don't think they will), that they are going to come live with me.  Did I mention I have a 2 bedroom apartment in the middle of college student housing?  And that it probably less than 500 square feet?  Let's put it this way.  I can clean it in less than 2 hours (and that is a thorough clean--weekly maintenance takes about an hour).  I have on my to-do list contacting DSS to see what I can do about getting them assistance (gotta figure out how to get their financial records) and then contacting the city about income based housing.  Can't lie, never thought I would see the day that they would be willing to move to Big Rapids.  I know they need assisted living (and Mom has said she is ready--another thing I never thought I would see), but they can't afford it and I live paycheck to paycheck...plus helping my daughter pay for college.  I wish I had more money so I could take better care of them.

I love my parents and am grateful for everything they have done for me.  Yes, my mom can be the most critical person on the planet, but overall we have a good relationship and I spent quite a few years as a daddy's girl.  But the truth is that when I have to spend more than 3 days over there, I start to go crazy (and deaf).  It would be nice to have them closer, though.  Easier to keep an eye on them and help when necessary.  But I can't share 4 walls with them.

My guilt comes in that I can't do more for them.  I don't make enough money to help everyone I want to help (daughter, parents, brother) and I can't get over as often as I used to.  I have had to do more testing on weekends and sometimes there are things around here that need my attention.  I feel guilty not being over there taking care of them and when I'm over there I feel guilty for not being here if Micah needs something.  I can't take a leave of absence (I'm the only full time employee) and I don't have space for them here.  I'll find them something, I'm sure.  Just need to find a way to get financials..... 

as for me- you all know my dad has been sick...

his heart, his kidneys, his diabetes his hearing, his knees, his eyes his everything... frankly I thought he was going to die two years ago. I'm surprised he didn't.  His memory seems to be going now too...

what scares me is my mom tells me she has had some recent medical scares and is in the process of getting tested....

this is going to be totally selfish but I hope when it happens my dad goes first...no way my dad can make it on his own and no way I'm moving to AZ to help.  My mom at least- once my dad goes- has decided to go back to holland where they have better health care and where she can be with her family...
Life gets so complicated.  All we can really hope for, is it goes "best case scenerio".... :-\\  I wish more people would be like your mom, and understand that there are facilities and places that can care for them in their time of need.  That we "as children" have many responsibilities and an extra "burden" (no matter how much we love them) is not the best case for anyone.

Being the youngest and before I married Carlos, I didn't have a family. I thought that I would be the one who would have to take care of my mother. I am extremely grateful to my two sisters who live down in Conn. If it ever comes down to the fact that my mother can live in her home anymore (which it is getting VERY close to that point), they have determined that my mother should move to Conn. Not to move in with either one of them but be put up in a retirement community close by. When I first heard this news, I had a BIG sigh of relief. I could NEVER be caregiver to my mother. If I did, I would totally lose my sanity-and I am not being facetious here. I am being totally serious.

Several years ago, she broke her leg and begged me to go and help her. I stayed for a week and it was the week from HELL! I was basically her personal slave doing just about everything. I kept saying that I only had two hands. Then her best friend showed up and she thought that I was her personal slave also. The two of them where telling me to do this and that-and sometimes they were both telling me to do something completely different. I only have two hands, I kept telling them. But it just wasn't enough. I took the bus to & from her place (about a 4-5 hour bus ride one way with changing buses in Albany). I remember on the bus on the way home-I felt like Mole from the Wind & the Willows smelling home as I got very close to the my stop. A friend of mine picked me up and the first thing she said to me was, "You look haggard." When I finally got to my apartment, I walked in and saw Carlos' coat & then I saw him-sitting on my couch. I had never been so happy to see anybody in my life after the week I had. 

I do love my mother dearly, but at a distance. That is the only way I can keep my sanity. I can talk to her one the phone. I can spend hours with her on the phone-but I get in the same room with her and I am ready to pull my hair out within 10 minutes.



Cat
Sympathies.  I actually had to "kick" my mom out of my house, when she was staying with us.  She started screaming at me about something she lost or did.  I told her it was my home and I would not allow her to act like that in my home around my children.  Our house has always been safe, and to make a presumption that someone broke in for $50 in cash is not only harming her, but my children as well....  and someday's I can not even talk to her on the phone very long...  Really she doesn't do anything (other than take care of a 90 year old lady, change curtains, clean house, and do yard work). She has no friends and no social life, so there is very little to talk about.  The weather only lasts around a 2 minute conversation.  Same phone call different day.

The time has not arrived yet where my mother needs her children to look after her.  Heck, she's 68 and works full-time.  However, I see her aging and her cognitive abilities slipping a bit.  She will probably need to "retire" in the next five years.  The problem is neither of my sisters has the patience for her.  Among the four of us, my mother and my sibs, we have every neurosis in the book covered.  My lifelong clinical depression has rendered me somewhat disabled, so I will not be able to give her the financial and residential accommodations I would like to if the need arises.  My mother is a difficult person -- not malicious, just kinda nutso, she don't mean no harm -- and my sisters take her insensitive behavior a too personally.  They have not learned to forgive her for what she cannot help.  Fortunately, we all live in the same area, so I think we'll be able to manage her needs if she gets too sick to take care of herself adaquately.  

I remember when my paternal grandmother was getting too old to look after herself, she was extremely obstinate about giving up her independence.  She lived in a plush condo complex, but one with no amenities for the elderly.  Thus, she continued to drive when she was practically blind.  Her vision got so bad she couldn't read the labels on her prescriptions.  She became increasingly frail and her liver started to fail.  Her kids were insisting she move to an assisted living facility, but she got enraged every time the suggestion was raised. Grandma was stubborn and formidible.   Her independence and her privacy were integral to her sense of dignity.  However, when you're 87 years old and dying of cirrhosis, it is not possible -- and not expected -- for a person to maintain the same level of independence and privacy she had ten years earlier.  It was not until my aunt went to check on her mother and found her jaundiced yellow and collapsed in her own filth that they were able to extract her. However, before the family could arrange better accommodations, the Lahey Clinic gave the grim prognosis that Grandma had perhaps two weeks to live.  Grandma being Grandma, she survived another six weeks before succombing to cirrhosis a month before her 88th birthday.  

I know the last thing Grandma would have wanted was to be found in the state she was in when my aunt discovered her apartment all awry and her person a mess.  I was glad she didn't die like that.  Her mental faculties were razor sharp to the end.  Last time I spoke to her was on the phone and she spoke in her familiar tone of grace and dignity, never a word out of place and always in the Locust Valley lockjaw!  "Well, dah-ling, I must go, the nurse is here to help me with the baahth," I remember her saying.  I could tell she was peacefully resigned.  My sister called a few days later with the news of her passing.


May your family figure out the situation if the time comes.  We all hope to leave this world with a little grace, and it seems as if your grandma was able to do this, even after her tragic predicament. 

I know from personal experience of my two Grandmothers and from friends and work collegues, the hardest part by far is admiting you are at the point where someone might need to go into a care assisted facility.

My aunt tried to cope with one of my Nan's at home when she developed dementia and ended up on the point of physical and mental exhaustion herself. It wasn't until my Nan attacked the doctor and bit her that something was done!
Yet both my mother and my aunt felt nothing but agonizing guilt at putting her in a care home. As it turned out when my Mum went to see my Nan she actually got thanked for sending her to the lovely hotel. My Nan was very, very happy there and we all knew she was getting the correct care and attention.

With my other Nan it was different, she had a very bad stroke. She still was as sharp as a razor mentally but physically completely disabled. She was always fiercely independant and a very shy and private person. She hated every minute of her time in care and pleaded constantly to come home, but she was so disabled and frail it was just not possible.
With hindsight I think a lot of it was also frustration at her body letting her down when her brain was still active. Also the home she was in had a habit of lumping all the stroke patients together and she spent long, long days sat with complete vegetative people on each side of her! We could never understand why they didn't sit the ones who were able to talk next to each other so they could do exactly that!! We did suggest it, but it was the way they did things there.
It is never easy to determine someone needs "care" (and even more "change" is never easy).  Having our bodies fail us, or even our minds has got to be even more traumatic.  When can we get into our minds, that getting assistance or care is not a weakness, it is prolonging our "good" years.

I so far have been lucky,my dad will be 81 in March and other than bad knees and diabetes that they just discovered 2 years ago he manages to get around fine. My sister still lives at home, but at age 52 she seems more like the 81 year old.my dad stills drives fine,he goes to euchre tournaments at least 3 times a week.His mother was a strong lady from German stock who lived at home until she was in her late 90's,she lived in the nursing home till she died at the age of 101.My father says he plans to do just the same.
(My mom died in 1985 :\'()
Your dad (and his mom) seem like very good, and wise people. 8)

While my own kidhood was quite normal and my parents both sane and supportive, I can empathize having survived a paranoid and highly critical mother-in-law for over 20 years.  I know how hurtful and destructive such a person can be even though I was already a strong adult when I encountered her.  I hope you all find some healing.
Yes it can be, I do have to remember that infact she does love me, and really wants the best for me, her fear for herself has her in the fight or flight mode....  Try not to take it personally, and I wish I did not react with such anger to her sometimes.  I feel very disrespectful at times, and she is my mother and I do love her.....

Just my two cents...

Sometimes a trained therapist can really help you deal with OTHER people...not so much your own issues.  I have had some major issues with family members myself.  There are some people in this world that are just toxic, and it sounds like both of you (Sami and Wildcard) are dealing with those types of people.  We can't always just walk away from them, even though sometimes it might be the best thing for us.  I finally broke down and started seeing a counselor.  Not necessarily because of my issues, but because of theirs.  You don't always realize the toll that other people can take on your psyche and your soul.  I haven't been going for very long, but it has really helped me deal with the negativity in my life, and it might help you guys too. 

Love to both of you! 
I think I would love to see a therapist.  Living in the middle of nowhere does pose a challenge sometimes.  I was looking into therapy several years ago (when my mom broke her neck, and I was in my graduate course and first teaching) in a state of depression.  They wanted me to see them several times a week (and it is 45min -1 hour away/1 way), I could not spare the time, mileage, or the money.  I might have to look into it again though - perhaps something closer is offered now.

Life gets so complicated.  All we can really hope for, is it goes "best case scenerio".... :-\\  I wish more people would be like your mom, and understand that there are facilities and places that can care for them in their time of need.  That we "as children" have many responsibilities and an extra "burden" (no matter how much we love them) is not the best case for anyone.


I think my mom just knows that I'm not cut out for it... I have some serious idiosyncrasies that don't jive with care giving...like my whole feet issue and I'm not quite ready to bath my folks I'm just not that open to care giving so my mom figures the health care system in holland is better and all her family is there. Here she only has my dad and a few friends and only sees me twice a year anyway so why hang around. I told her she could come try out a care facility in Santa Barbara and she scoffed... then I told her I hope she'll understand when I don't make it to her funeral since I don't fly  :-\\

I feel ya, Sami.

My dad has Type 2 Diabetes, partial hip replacement and is currently experiencing serious vertigo again (he fell twice after my visit to take him to dr).  He had cataract surgery this summer and needs it for the other eye soon.  He is 79 and frailer than I ever imagined he could be.  He was back to using his walker for almost a week b/c his legs were so weak (the fact that he acquiesced to using it is huge).  However, in his mind he can still do everything.  Not a good combination.  He has lost 4 out of 5 siblings to various forms of cancer.  He lost his younger (and only) brother a little over 18 months ago and his younger sister last month (about a week before Christmas).  Mom says he doesn't remember attending Uncle Jeff's funeral (he did, I know b/c I went with him--we drove 1.5 hrs south to Grand Rapids for the funeral, then 2.5 hrs north to Ludington to visit Mom in hospital).  Of course, she didn't tell me that until AFTER his dr appt so I didn't mention it (still waiting for THAT call back).  It took him 2 days to acknowledge Aunt Delphine's death as far as I know.  He is going through their money faster than it is coming in (they are both retired so rely on Soc Sec).  He won't allow me any info about their situation and he has enough of his faculties that I can't have him declared incompetent so I can take over their finances, etc.  I barely have control of the medical appointments.

My mom turned 74 yesterday.  She is on oxygen, takes anti-anxiety and anti-depressant pills, drinks too much, smokes and gets into these moods where she is very melodramatic.  She talks about how bad the health of my aunt and uncle are (the ones who live across the street, her 2nd oldest bro) and what a hypochondriac my aunt is.  Textbook case of pot and kettle, but don't say that to her.  Her oldest bro (who lives in AZ) is exhibiting signs of Alzheimer's or at least some form of dementia.  This according to her.  I didn't notice anything when he visited in Aug, but again another textbook pot/kettle example.  She talks about death a lot and how she wants to go quickly.  I'm pretty sure this is why she still smokes and drinks so much.

They are both extremely hard of hearing and I worry about them every day living alone so isolated (they have become very antisocial).  I go over for medical appointments (I don't want either of them driving) and when I can to clean their house (it is too much house for them).  Unfortunately, it has been on the market for a few years.  They have done some wonderful renovations and their view is to kill for (and they have a good amount of square footage), but the house needs serious repairs.  They can't do them by themselves and they can't afford to have them done professionally.  I am working on options, but I suck at that stuff.  I have to learn how to fix holes in walls, reattach tile counters to walls and find money to replace appliances--just for a start.  I live about 1.5 hrs away and my brother moved to Florida 2 years ago.

My mom told me over the holidays that if they don't sell the house this spring (I don't think they will), that they are going to come live with me.  Did I mention I have a 2 bedroom apartment in the middle of college student housing?  And that it probably less than 500 square feet?  Let's put it this way.  I can clean it in less than 2 hours (and that is a thorough clean--weekly maintenance takes about an hour).  I have on my to-do list contacting DSS to see what I can do about getting them assistance (gotta figure out how to get their financial records) and then contacting the city about income based housing.  Can't lie, never thought I would see the day that they would be willing to move to Big Rapids.  I know they need assisted living (and Mom has said she is ready--another thing I never thought I would see), but they can't afford it and I live paycheck to paycheck...plus helping my daughter pay for college.  I wish I had more money so I could take better care of them.

I love my parents and am grateful for everything they have done for me.  Yes, my mom can be the most critical person on the planet, but overall we have a good relationship and I spent quite a few years as a daddy's girl.  But the truth is that when I have to spend more than 3 days over there, I start to go crazy (and deaf).  It would be nice to have them closer, though.  Easier to keep an eye on them and help when necessary.  But I can't share 4 walls with them.

My guilt comes in that I can't do more for them.  I don't make enough money to help everyone I want to help (daughter, parents, brother) and I can't get over as often as I used to.  I have had to do more testing on weekends and sometimes there are things around here that need my attention.  I feel guilty not being over there taking care of them and when I'm over there I feel guilty for not being here if Micah needs something.  I can't take a leave of absence (I'm the only full time employee) and I don't have space for them here.  I'll find them something, I'm sure.  Just need to find a way to get financials..... 


That sucks Aim.  My mom saw the size of my apt when they came in August and she said that she guessed they couldn't ever move in with me... I said nope ;D 

I feel ya, Sami.

My dad has Type 2 Diabetes, partial hip replacement and is currently experiencing serious vertigo again (he fell twice after my visit to take him to dr).  He had cataract surgery this summer and needs it for the other eye soon.  He is 79 and frailer than I ever imagined he could be.  He was back to using his walker for almost a week b/c his legs were so weak (the fact that he acquiesced to using it is huge).  However, in his mind he can still do everything.  Not a good combination.  He has lost 4 out of 5 siblings to various forms of cancer.  He lost his younger (and only) brother a little over 18 months ago and his younger sister last month (about a week before Christmas).  Mom says he doesn't remember attending Uncle Jeff's funeral (he did, I know b/c I went with him--we drove 1.5 hrs south to Grand Rapids for the funeral, then 2.5 hrs north to Ludington to visit Mom in hospital).  Of course, she didn't tell me that until AFTER his dr appt so I didn't mention it (still waiting for THAT call back).  It took him 2 days to acknowledge Aunt Delphine's death as far as I know.  He is going through their money faster than it is coming in (they are both retired so rely on Soc Sec).  He won't allow me any info about their situation and he has enough of his faculties that I can't have him declared incompetent so I can take over their finances, etc.  I barely have control of the medical appointments.

My mom turned 74 yesterday.  She is on oxygen, takes anti-anxiety and anti-depressant pills, drinks too much, smokes and gets into these moods where she is very melodramatic.  She talks about how bad the health of my aunt and uncle are (the ones who live across the street, her 2nd oldest bro) and what a hypochondriac my aunt is.  Textbook case of pot and kettle, but don't say that to her.  Her oldest bro (who lives in AZ) is exhibiting signs of Alzheimer's or at least some form of dementia.  This according to her.  I didn't notice anything when he visited in Aug, but again another textbook pot/kettle example.  She talks about death a lot and how she wants to go quickly.  I'm pretty sure this is why she still smokes and drinks so much.

They are both extremely hard of hearing and I worry about them every day living alone so isolated (they have become very antisocial).  I go over for medical appointments (I don't want either of them driving) and when I can to clean their house (it is too much house for them).  Unfortunately, it has been on the market for a few years.  They have done some wonderful renovations and their view is to kill for (and they have a good amount of square footage), but the house needs serious repairs.  They can't do them by themselves and they can't afford to have them done professionally.  I am working on options, but I suck at that stuff.  I have to learn how to fix holes in walls, reattach tile counters to walls and find money to replace appliances--just for a start.  I live about 1.5 hrs away and my brother moved to Florida 2 years ago.

My mom told me over the holidays that if they don't sell the house this spring (I don't think they will), that they are going to come live with me.  Did I mention I have a 2 bedroom apartment in the middle of college student housing?  And that it probably less than 500 square feet?  Let's put it this way.  I can clean it in less than 2 hours (and that is a thorough clean--weekly maintenance takes about an hour).  I have on my to-do list contacting DSS to see what I can do about getting them assistance (gotta figure out how to get their financial records) and then contacting the city about income based housing.  Can't lie, never thought I would see the day that they would be willing to move to Big Rapids.  I know they need assisted living (and Mom has said she is ready--another thing I never thought I would see), but they can't afford it and I live paycheck to paycheck...plus helping my daughter pay for college.  I wish I had more money so I could take better care of them.

I love my parents and am grateful for everything they have done for me.  Yes, my mom can be the most critical person on the planet, but overall we have a good relationship and I spent quite a few years as a daddy's girl.  But the truth is that when I have to spend more than 3 days over there, I start to go crazy (and deaf).  It would be nice to have them closer, though.  Easier to keep an eye on them and help when necessary.  But I can't share 4 walls with them.

My guilt comes in that I can't do more for them.  I don't make enough money to help everyone I want to help (daughter, parents, brother) and I can't get over as often as I used to.  I have had to do more testing on weekends and sometimes there are things around here that need my attention.  I feel guilty not being over there taking care of them and when I'm over there I feel guilty for not being here if Micah needs something.  I can't take a leave of absence (I'm the only full time employee) and I don't have space for them here.  I'll find them something, I'm sure.  Just need to find a way to get financials..... 
Prayers to you!  Getting someone declared incompetent is the most difficult step (they have to have stopped paying bills, and/or be in Very poor health), unless they are willing to turn over the finances and decisions it is SO HARD.  I know about too big of a house, my mothers (3 story monstrosity )sits on a double lot, next to a state park, and needs a new roof, and updated kitchen and bath's, and another paint job (god help me, I better not find her on a ladder this year), it is wood siding, and I am sure more insulation can be blown in (it was done probably 20+ years ago).  It still has an Oil Furnace, an old Boiler.  Heaven help us if it goes.  She shovels sidewalk, cleans, and changes curtains (this is a monthly ritual I believe now), mows lawn, rakes it ....  And unfortunately I also can not say - hey mom I bought you a smaller house (or even for us to get a different house with a "mother in laws" wing) without her selling her house (and she has lived in it for 50 years now).  I guess I can keep hoping.  Why can't parents just realize what we are going through, and help make it "easy" for us (I REALLY was not a bad kid, so she shouldn't be paying me back for anything).
I guess she has her health, but she doesn't go to doctors - so who knows. 
Prayers - again (I wish I had more to offer) :-[

I think my mom just knows that I'm not cut out for it... I have some serious idiosyncrasies that don't jive with care giving...like my whole feet issue and I'm not quite ready to bath my folks I'm just not that open to care giving so my mom figures the health care system in holland is better and all her family is there. Here she only has my dad and a few friends and only sees me twice a year anyway so why hang around. I told her she could come try out a care facility in Santa Barbara and she scoffed... then I told her I hope she'll understand when I don't make it to her funeral since I don't fly  :-\\
Q - I will come and fly with you (you will be just fine) - she is your mother and you are only given one...

Q - I will come and fly with you (you will be just fine) - she is your mother and you are only given one...


yeah but once she's gone she won't be there... I won't need a funeral to say goodbye.

yeah but once she's gone she won't be there... I won't need a funeral to say goodbye.
Not to say goodbye maybe, but to pay your respects!!! And death is not always an over night sudden thing...,

Not to say goodbye maybe, but to pay your respects!!! And death is not always an over night sudden thing...,


nah she already knows if she wants me around she's gonna have to die here... I'm not flying.

nah she already knows if she wants me around she's gonna have to die here... I'm not flying.


Speaking from my own experience I regret not being there at the end of my mum's life.

I think I would love to see a therapist.  Living in the middle of nowhere does pose a challenge sometimes.  I was looking into therapy several years ago (when my mom broke her neck, and I was in my graduate course and first teaching) in a state of depression.  They wanted me to see them several times a week (and it is 45min -1 hour away/1 way), I could not spare the time, mileage, or the money.  I might have to look into it again though - perhaps something closer is offered now.


Did you check your insurance? A lot of them have coverage for a certain amount of sessions. Of course then you have to find a therapist that takes that insurance.  You could call your local elder care office and ask if there are any caregiver support groups in your area, they are usually free.(I am talking about a Massachusetts/suburban perspective)

Speaking from my own experience I regret not being there at the end of my mum's life.


my mom has similar regrets when her mother was sick. Her mom was in the hosipital for a day. My mom had a ticket to fly out but for some reason delayed her flight by one day because of some insignificant work issue. Her mother passed away in the night- had my mother left when planned she would have had a chance to say goodbye....

but in my case this is different. we've already established that I have severe issues with flying so she knows that my getting to her will be impossible.

I tried to call my mother today. Her phone didn't even ring but went straight to a voice mail thingy that said to leave a message for "box number" and gave a long #. It sounded very strange and somehow I KNEW my mother wouldn't get the massage so I didn't leave a message. Then I tried to call her again a while later and the same thing. After trying for a while I called my sister.

After some investigative work, my mother signed up for Vontage. She didn't realize that you HAD to be on-line to use the service. My mother is NOT on-line and had my sister open a yahoo e-mail for her. Now, all her calls are going to this email. My sister called Vontage (and talked to some guy from India  ::) ) and was told that she couldn't use the phone at all without internet. My sister asked her how to put the phone back to what it was. The guy told her that my mother is going to have to call from her phone-yup, the phone she can't use because she is not on the internet.

In the meanwhile, my mother is isolated and probably doesn't know that she doesn't have a phone. My sister called my mother's neighbor and asked if she could check on my mother and maybe bring her a cell phone. Of course nothing is going to be done until Monday. My sister is thinking of going over there tomorrow (a 2 & a half hour drive for her) and bring her a cell phone to use until she can get her phone in working order.



Cat

I tried to call my mother today. Her phone didn't even ring but went straight to a voice mail thingy that said to leave a message for "box number" and gave a long #. It sounded very strange and somehow I KNEW my mother wouldn't get the massage so I didn't leave a message. Then I tried to call her again a while later and the same thing. After trying for a while I called my sister.

After some investigative work, my mother signed up for Vontage. She didn't realize that you HAD to be on-line to use the service. My mother is NOT on-line and had my sister open a yahoo e-mail for her. Now, all her calls are going to this email. My sister called Vontage (and talked to some guy from India  ::) ) and was told that she couldn't use the phone at all without internet. My sister asked her how to put the phone back to what it was. The guy told her that my mother is going to have to call from her phone-yup, the phone she can't use because she is not on the internet.

In the meanwhile, my mother is isolated and probably doesn't know that she doesn't have a phone. My sister called my mother's neighbor and asked if she could check on my mother and maybe bring her a cell phone. Of course nothing is going to be done until Monday. My sister is thinking of going over there tomorrow (a 2 & a half hour drive for her) and bring her a cell phone to use until she can get her phone in working order.



Cat
You have my sympathies...  Today's modern technologies (and the choices offered) can get soo in the way of an "out of the loop" elder.  I want to get my mother a cell phone.  But it needs to be simple and basic (no camera) and not sooo small.  The Jitterbug is great in theory, I just wish verizon or att carried it.  She lives in a small town (without much around) - so the jitterbug does not get service there. :-[  Hopefully everything can get straightened back out for your mother, without tooo much further hassel

Sami, I know what you're going through.  I went through it with my parents for YEARS.  I wasn't the youngest or the oldest, but the one that everyone relied on....my parents and my grandparents.  I finally got to the point where I had to put my foot down with them and TELL them what they were going to do because they were never going to make the choices for themselves.  Even then, it was HELL!!!  I won't bore everyone with details, but I basically did almost everything for them up until the day they died....and even then, it was all up to me to make the decisions.  When my parents passed away, my brothers were useless when it came to making decisions about the funerals, burials, etc.  And, to this day, I have conflicting feelings about all of the responsibility.  On one hand, I feel resentful because all of the responsibility was put on me....on the other hand, I feel guilty for feeling resentful because I feel like I could have done more....on another hand, I miss them terribly and wish they were still here.  Despite going through therapy for well over a year, I cannot come to terms with these conflicting feelings and it SUCKS!!!! :\'( :-\\ >:( :( :-[

I think I would love to see a therapist.  Living in the middle of nowhere does pose a challenge sometimes.  I was looking into therapy several years ago (when my mom broke her neck, and I was in my graduate course and first teaching) in a state of depression.  They wanted me to see them several times a week (and it is 45min -1 hour away/1 way), I could not spare the time, mileage, or the money.  I might have to look into it again though - perhaps something closer is offered now.


I think you should look into it again.  I only go every other week, and it has done wonders for me.  I feel like such a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders.  I really think you should try again.  I did a lot of research online before I found someone.  I read a lot of bios of different therapists until I found one that I thought would be a good fit for me.  There is so much more information out there than there used to be, and so much less stigma!  It has really opened my eyes to family boundaries and relationships, and everything in between.

I tried to call my mother today. Her phone didn't even ring but went straight to a voice mail thingy that said to leave a message for "box number" and gave a long #. It sounded very strange and somehow I KNEW my mother wouldn't get the massage so I didn't leave a message. Then I tried to call her again a while later and the same thing. After trying for a while I called my sister.

After some investigative work, my mother signed up for Vontage. She didn't realize that you HAD to be on-line to use the service. My mother is NOT on-line and had my sister open a yahoo e-mail for her. Now, all her calls are going to this email. My sister called Vontage (and talked to some guy from India  ::) ) and was told that she couldn't use the phone at all without internet. My sister asked her how to put the phone back to what it was. The guy told her that my mother is going to have to call from her phone-yup, the phone she can't use because she is not on the internet.

In the meanwhile, my mother is isolated and probably doesn't know that she doesn't have a phone. My sister called my mother's neighbor and asked if she could check on my mother and maybe bring her a cell phone. Of course nothing is going to be done until Monday. My sister is thinking of going over there tomorrow (a 2 & a half hour drive for her) and bring her a cell phone to use until she can get her phone in working order.



Cat


that's nuts... I have vonage and love it but then again I have internet  ;)