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I always like to read the featured articles on Yahoo, so of course today this one caught my eye.

I read it and I actually found that some of my views on the subject have apparently been thwarted. It's crazy, but having been cheated on in the past, I thought that it would be easy to recognize the signs. Apparently, it isn't.

The article gives quite a bit of insight. Read it if you like.



My question then:
Have you ever been cheated on, or cheated on someone?
Have you ever thought about cheating?

I know these are seriously personal questions, and you do not have to answer. I am not looking to discuss the ethics of the situation, just wondering the what, why and if's of the situation. And I guess what people think of the article - is it note worthy or a bunch of BS?

Tam

I have been cheated on.  My ex was a truck driver and he decided it was a good idea to take his ex-wife along on his trips.  It hurt like a sonofabitch, but it was probably the best thing that happened to me.  I left, realizing that it is better to be alone than to be treated like this.

I wanted to grab her and tell her "wasn't there a reason you called him 'ex'?"  ;D

As you all know, yes, I have been cheated on...by my husband. It happened last September, and it still hurts like it happened yesterday. I am still married to Chris, but it is clearly not the same anymore. I care for him because of being with him for so long, but I am not in love with him. He has a lot of personal issues, and he refuses to seek help for them...he doesn't think they are that much of an issue...or apparently important enough to save this "relationship". I'm not going to go into details, but I will say that I don't plan on staying with him forever. I think I deserve WAY more than what he has given me, and I don't feel that I deserve what he has put me through. In an odd way, when that happens..I WILL miss him, and it will be difficult...but I deserve to be happy for once in my life...to be with someone who truly loves me. I've never had that yet.

Thanks for replying Ladies.

Like I said, I have been cheated on as well.

I was given the excuse though that they couldn't help themselves, that it is in their genes because their father was the same way, and that had I been a better girlfriend, it wouldn't have happened. There weren't really signs, I just had an inkling, because the relationship changed for no apparent reason. Of course, before I was married, I had thought about it with guys I was dating, or friends with. It seemed to me that I wasn't fully committed so why not have fun too. But then I would think about how I felt....

At any rate, all y'all know that I am in the BEST relationship with the love of my life, and the thought for me to cheat has never crossed my mind. Sure, I fantasize about some pretty hot actors ;) but anyone in real life.. nope. I couldn't imagine making Big Nasty feel the way I have felt. And it truly isn't worth it to me. We have worked so hard to get our relationship to where it is, and there is nothing I wouldn't do to make sure that we stay where we are. (Or progress).

More to come, my thought process is jumbled right now.

In their genes?  Lamest excuse ever. ::)  I think my ex was just using me to get make his ex jealous and get her back.  I was young and stupid when I got married.

When I was 19 my boyfriend cheated on me.  You think I would've just left him (after all, the relationship was really over before he cheated) instead, I cheated too.  Boy, I showed him!  ::)  Two teenage idiots!

I will be honest-I cheated on my first husband-with his best friend.  :o :o :o  (Yeah, yeah, it was so General Hospital). Why did I do it? I can't really say for sure. But at the time, I knew exactly what it was-a one-night stand, nothing more or less. Yet, he made me feel more like a woman than my husband EVER did. That was when I realized that there was something lacking in my marriage and it was the beginning of the end.

With Carlos, I would NEVER, EVER do anything to f**k this up. I know a good thing when I see it-and besides, I don't WANT anyone else. He is the ONLY one for me. And besides, we are ALWAYS together and it is rare that we will even be in different rooms so it just won't happen!  ;) :D :D ;D ;D ;D



Cat

Does it still count as technically cheating when you're only 13 years old and still inexperienced in.. the more intimate stuff? Far be it for me to judge on any situation that anyone else could be in - I've only ever loved one person in my life and, nine years later we're still together - but sure, when we were young, we were a bit lax as far as that's concerned.

Teenage romance of course, but I still rememeber the moment my heart broke when I found out, the first time... and the strange sense of it not mattering immediately afterwards. Certain things I guess I just blanked out of my mind. Myself personally, I find it very easy to do that kind of thing. Others, they just think I'm daft.

In some way I think we're both right.

Like I said, I have been cheated on as well.

I was given the excuse though that they couldn't help themselves, that it is in their genes because their father was the same way, and that had I been a better girlfriend, it wouldn't have happened.


What he meant was, the problem was in their "jeans"...  ;D

The thrill of the hunt.
The thrill of something NEW.
The thrill of romance.

The thrill of the hunt.
The thrill of something NEW.
The thrill of romance.





You can have all that when you're not in a relationship!

You can have all that when you're not in a relationship!


Wait, you can't have all that when you ARE in one?  ???

Edit:  I don't mean by cheating.  I mean with the one in your relationship.

I, too, have been there, done that.

Micah's father cheated on me with his ex-girlfriend when I went home on a break (he lived in the town where I went to college).  Should I have left him the minute he confessed?  Absolutely.  Do I ever regret not doing so?  Honestly, sometimes.  But then all I have to do is think about my wonderful daughter and I know she was worth everything I went through.  He ended up going back to her (psycho that she was and I feel I can say that because she tried to run me over with her car).

In their genes?  Lamest excuse ever. ::)  I think my ex was just using me to get make his ex jealous and get her back.  I was young and stupid when I got married.


I've never been cheated on ... and have never cheated on my wife...or any of my previous girlfriends (no over laps in any relationships). I did have what could be termed as a slight affair of the heart several years ago...but my personal code of ethics did not allow it to go further and I distanced myself once I realised that I was getting into deep/hot water.  It was someone at work...

The excuse of it being in the genes is a crock....  Men sometimes do not feel that they need to work on their own personal development (being perfect and all) and therefore, have not equipped themselves to say NO!  If people continue to put themselves in situations that encourage infedelity...then usually it will happen.

Personal development includes treating women with some respect and honesty within a relationship and not using them to fill in time until something better comes along!  It also covers learning how to put in the effort when times are not so rosy and actually working on the relationship....everything requires maintenance...including relationships.

Wait, you can't have all that when you ARE in one?  ???

Edit:  I don't mean by cheating.  I mean with the one in your relationship.


Yes, you absolutely can have all of those things in a relationship!

Coupled with the thread title "Infidelity 101", Midnite's list was a How-to or a "Why cheat?"

I cheated on my first wife back in 1975 with a co-worker.  It was a brief affair, like two or three weeks.  It started one night  working late, at her instigation.  My wife never knew for sure. I felt really bad.

Much later my ex had a long term "dry" affair, which led me to hook up with Cat and ultimately led to the divorce. 

I think it is really hard to patch up a relationship after an affair.  As my son put it, you only get to cheat on me once.

No one's really sure who's lettin' go today Gibbo, so I can't be completely sure but I feel like I haven't been cheated on and I do know I won't cheat on her as our love grows warm and strong.


I've never been cheated on .... It was someone at work....

Personal development includes treating women with some respect and honesty within a relationship and not using them to fill in time until something better comes along!  It also covers learning how to put in the effort when times are not so rosy and actually working on the relationship....everything requires maintenance...including relationships.



Once upon a score I was cheated on by my first wife, whom God takes into acount, just as I was out at work .
She wanted to explore another's heart, another's mind, and run across someone else's love, till that "someone else" snuk up into my home, what it dragged and dropped a smooth tempered divorce.
  At the time, we had a child, a three years old who became my everlasting pain deep in my soul. Every time I thought of him,  my tears just fell down  my cheeks like rain. Those were bad times of cloudy days. I missed him and hated her from sunup to sun down and as well overnights.
My soul was young and strong so I could cope with rains, sorrows and winds of rages till the sun grew up a calm in a valley at norther Spanish mountains. There I happened to see the girl who Mr Fate had chosen to be  my better half  "media naranja". So after two years of good feelings from each other I took Maria for my wife.
I never got her wrong it makes no sense to me do it, I rather cut down than go around.

What he meant was, the problem was in their "jeans"...  ;D


Beat me to it, I was gonna say, "More like out of their jeans!"

gnyuk, gnyuk, gnyuk!

:D

I'm no saint, but I won't get involved with a married/committed woman, no matter what.  I've never seen any good come out of it.  Some people say it's OK if the married person is getting divorced, but I say wait until the divorce is official.  Even if the marriage is only on paper, fooling around can still make a mess.

I think it is really hard to patch up a relationship after an affair.  As my son put it, you only get to cheat on me once.


I agree, Carlos. You can never forget.

I have never cheated on Tim,nor has he ever cheated on me.The only problem is that for the last 2 years it has suddenly bothered him that I had sex (only twice) 2-4 years before I meant him. It has gotten so bad that he has nightmares about it,he pounds the wall and lays in bed crying. He says that he is not mad at me,but rather those guys for taking advantage of me.He mopes around the house and has even gotten to the point of asking the kids if they ever caught me talking to men in a personal way on this site. Missy told him..NO she only plays games and post pics.There are times I just don't know what to do,I tried to tell him that was the past,that we have our whole future together...I guess I vented enough.

I have never cheated on Tim,nor has he ever cheated on me.The only problem is that for the last 2 years it has suddenly bothered him that I had sex (only twice) 2-4 years before I meant him. It has gotten so bad that he has nightmares about it,he pounds the wall and lays in bed crying. He says that he is not mad at me,but rather those guys for taking advantage of me.He mopes around the house and has even gotten to the point of asking the kids if they ever caught me talking to men in a personal way on this site. Missy told him..NO she only plays games and post pics.There are times I just don't know what to do,I tried to tell him that was the past,that we have our whole future together...I guess I vented enough.

^ That's not cool!  This is just bothering him NOW?  How long have you been together?  Did you lead him to believe he was the only one you'd ever been with?  He needs to work this out for the sanity of all concerned!

^ That's not cool!  This is just bothering him NOW?  How long have you been together?  Did you lead him to believe he was the only one you'd ever been with?  He needs to work this out for the sanity of all concerned!

We started dating in 1987,moved in togetherin 1988 and got married in 1989. I think what set him off is when his mom got in a big fight with Tim Jr and me she yelled out that his sister said I had a crush on a guy I use to work  with,which wasn't true (I also worked with his wife and are friends with her) his sister had the crush. This guy was a nice guy and sadly died of cancer years ago.

Coupled with the thread title "Infidelity 101", Midnite's list was a How-to or a "Why cheat?"


Bah.  That list might have been a "Why cheat?", but it emphatically was not a how-to.  But since you mentioned it...

http://img511.imageshack.us/img511/3814/crocsfp5.jpg

The real reasons of "why" for females typically comes down to some variation of "he listens to me, he really gets me, he's interested in me, he gives me attention", and for males comes down to "Umm, she had boobs and was interested?", and for a significant fraction of married males (I wouldn't know, I've never married) "My wife doesn't do ((favoriteSexAct)) since we ((got married || had kids))".

But enough of this "why" crap.  No, we're after a HOWTO on how to get away with it.

Any HOWTO guide is going to be an encapsulation of basic communications/operations security techniques.  Secure your communications.  Secure your operations.  Travel lightly, leave no trace, etc.  In the olden days, that meant the non-attached partner could use credit cards, but the attached partner must use cash only.  If long-distance calls must be made on a landline, they are made on  work-based landlines and expensed as personal calls.  (or the non-attached partner makes the calls.)  The damn lipstick stays off the collar, and ditto for other fluids and other itmes of clothing.  And you have spare clothing stashed at the office, preferably identical to what you left the house in, just in case.

Modern equivalents would be disposable/pre-paid cell phones (because all inbound/outbound calls show up on wireless statements, whether sent or received), clearing text messages from phones immediately after receipt, disposable email accounts, and dummy social networking pages disconnected from the ones the parties might use in real life.  (If your web history has 100 hits on a personals site with strings like "&login=your_name_looking_for_whatever" appearing in the URL, You're Doing It Wrong.  If your status on your favorite social networking site is "working late" and your paramour's says "hot date with your_name", You're BOTH Doing It Wrong.  Social networking:  because bragging to a few select friends about their latest conquest wasn't good enough, you need a datacenter full of machines to automate the bragging process and tell the friggin' world...)

Sometimes it gets tricky.  F'rinstance, if you're driving across a toll bridge to the hotel while claiming you're at work, keep the "fast lane" transponder wrapped in tinfoil and pay cash, because automated highway toll booth data can, and has, been subpoenaed during divorce cases.  OPSEC for cheaters is a lot harder now than it used to be, because everything everyone does leaves a digital footprint.  Hey, privacy's dead, get over it.  Information wants to be free (even if it hates to be personified...)

But ultimately, infidelity 101 comes down to the fact that you're going to date people who are attached, choose a partner who's sufficiently clever that they "won't yell, won't swell, and won't tell".  Make sure that whichever party has the most to lose, is aware of the consequences of the mistakes and is taking all due precautions, but information security is both parties' responsibility.

Neglectful partners: If you have a monopoly but refuse to open the store for business, you will lose your monopoly when other suppliers enter the market, even if their prices are higher than yours.

Cheating partners: The secret of wing-walking is to always have a hold of something else before you let go of what you're holding onto.

Females trying to retain mates: Chris Rock had a lot to say about this, and none of it is printable in a family forum such as this. 

Males facing offers to stray:  A lot of life's mistakes are the result of the smaller head telling the bigger head what to do.  When the little head tells you to do something stupid, log onto the Internet and beat some sense into it.  After a while, the stupid feeling will go away.

Everyone:  Relationships are a strange game.  The only winning move is not to play.

/no dog in this fight
//hasn't dated in ~mumble~ years
///have seen what people who do date have to put up with
////doesn't miss it one damn bit, but still can't turn his eyes away from a good trainwreck, as long as it's at a safe distance

Bah.  That list might have been a "Why cheat?", but it emphatically was not a how-to.  But since you mentioned it...

http://img511.imageshack.us/img511/3814/crocsfp5.jpg



But enough of this "why" crap.  No, we're after a HOW TO on how to get away with it.


Maybe YOU are interested in a "how to" thread - since you're single I can't figure out why, but I don't think the rest of us are, since none of us have even touched on that aspect.  And while your "advice" may be good, no one who has responded to this thread has expressed any interest in having an affair.

Maybe YOU are interested in a "how to" thread - since you're single I can't figure out why, but I don't think the rest of us are, since none of us have even touched on that aspect.  And while your "advice" may be good, no one who has responded to this thread has expressed any interest in having an affair.


"Lighten up, Francis!" :)

Neither am I.  Dating leads to love.  Love leads to marriage.  Marriage leads to suffering.  My abrasive personality breaks the failure cascade before it ever begins. (heh, big surprise there :)  As the years go by, I realize I'm happier having simply avoiding the whole mess.

Someone mentioned a "how to" that was anything but, and the title of the thread was "Infidelity 101", so I figured "This thread is missing a HOWTO, everyone else has spoken their piece, so why not write one?"

The Worst Case Scenario Handbook for Dating and Sex actually has several sections on how to have an effective affair.  I thought it was amusing.

Not that I'd ever have an affair.  I would never live with the guilt and the wife would cut my balls off :P

I have never cheated, and I do not believe I have ever been cheated on (although I never really had an "exclusive" relationship before my husband anyway).  I did have a one night stand with a man who was married - I was drunk, did not know/realize he was married till after.  Felt bad, but I was young and dumb; hopefully everything worked out for him....


I love my husband more than anything, I trust him with all that I have and all that I am.  He allows me to do/go anywhere (within reason) he trusts me and I trust him to go do anything.  I can not imagine loosing that trust.... 

He "Christmas" shops once a year with the guys (most divorced) and they eat at Hooter's and then go shopping and usually end at a strip club later... Does it bother me?? No, he is coming home to me, he is not abusing me or our relationship. (I could care less if he looks, as long as he does not touch) Window shopping is always free.  I have friends who can not believe I allow him to do this - and absolutely refuse to allow their man to partake.  I feel as if those relationships are actually more unstable.  I usually have a girls weekend several weekends throughout the year,usually a spa day, sushi and later we may end up at the "sugar shack" or Chippendales etc, or a bar, ...  Again I have friends who are not allowed by their husbands (what do they think is going to happen?)???  What is a relationship without trust, I am not doing anything wrong... and neither is he....

I will never cheat, and I trully believe I will never be cheated on; he is my bestfriend, my other half; he truly completes me.... I love him and I still get the fluttery feeling everytime I see him or hear him (OK MOST TIMES).......

But our relationship takes work, if we gave up each time we have troubles, we would have given up week1,3, 7.....(the whole year 3).............week 452, week 458 ;) ;) ;) ;)
But all of our troubles we get through and end up loving each other even more.  No way I am going to cheat, I have tooo much work/training invested on this one ;). 

9 years down and working on 10 ;D ;D ;D

We started dating in 1987,moved in togetherin 1988 and got married in 1989. I think what set him off is when his mom got in a big fight with Tim Jr and me she yelled out that his sister said I had a crush on a guy I use to work  with,which wasn't true (I also worked with his wife and are friends with her) his sister had the crush. This guy was a nice guy and sadly died of cancer years ago.


This is seriously disfunctional.  For him to act like this about something that happened before you even met.  For his mother to try to fuel the fire.  From the outside I would say that you are in for world of trouble.  I wouldn't take any of this lightly, and don't think it is something that can be worked out without outside help.

^ Yeah, what she said.  :o  Ninny, as I've stated, that's NOT cool!

The Worst Case Scenario Handbook for Dating and Sex actually has several sections on how to have an effective affair.  I thought it was amusing.

Not that I'd ever have an affair.  I would never live with the guilt and the wife would cut my balls off :P


Worst case scenario hand-book?  I figger as long as I still got a hand, I don't need the book!
:-X

I'm not into this whole telling people how to run their lives business, so as for cheating on your s/o, go ahead and knock your socks off, just don't come sobbing to me when the wife and the girlfriend dump you on the curb with the papers and the trashcans, 'cos I got no sympathy for that sh*t!
http://www.inthe00s.com/smile/11/crybaby2.gif

Foo Bar.    You are one evil man!!!!  A nice little how-to-guide there. 

If I were to contemplate infidelity, I think I would live by these rules:

1.  NEVER bring the other person back to your place.  If she/he becomes a stalker - you are done!
2.  Always pay attention to detail when covering your tracks.  DO NOT BE LAZY HERE or you will be caught.  NEVER BE LAZY!!!!
3.  Be very careful in this age of technology.  I agree that prepaid phones are good.  But with smartphones/myspace/email it is difficult.
4.  Keep your actions and alibi's somewhat "normal".  For example, to suddenly go out with your friends every night will cause questions.
5.  Always have a reasonable excuse, BUT BE CAREFUL, too many excuses doesn't make sense.
6.  If you have a very close friend you trust with your life, 100% ONLY, he/she can make a good alibi.  BE CAREFUL - must trust 100%!!!!

WOMEN - remember this.  A man is only as good as his options. 

Foo Bar.    You are one evil man!!!! 


I do what I can.  As Zorak said, "It's not easy being evil."  (And on behalf of the womenfolk, I'd remind you that your list is just as valid with the sexes reversed.)

So I got up one Sunday morning after a sleepless night, applied some lipstick my parched lips, and kissed the collar of my best white shirt.  I skipped shaving and showering, put the shirt on, and rushed to the store, where I pretended to shop for a bottle of perfume for her, making sure to get a good spray of at least two or three different varieties.  I had enough time left to spend a quarter or two at the arcade before meeting my significant other for lunch.

She noticed the lipstick on my collar and smelled the perfume from across the table.  "Don't lie to me, you bastard", she said.  "You spent the whole goddamn night working on that goddamn computer again, didn't you?"

(The old versions of the joke are "out fishing/golfing with the guys", the engineering versions are variations of "in the lab again", and the modern versions are "at that LAN party" or "playing WoW again..."  Back in the day, I actually had something pretty close to the joke happen in real life (minus the failed lipstick/perfume coverup), so go figure.  Didn't have the vaguest idea what she was talking about until she mentioned the computer and I fessed up to pulling an all-nighter, again.

The reason I quit the game was that I wasn't terribly good at attracting mates, but was also pretty bad at retaining them.  Could have improved my game, but ultimately I never wanted to invest the time in that when there were computers to be programmed, gadgets to be hacked, and (when I wanted to play with the computer, instead of playing with the computer) video games. Perhaps the modern equivalent would be a parody along the lines of "While my keytar gently weeps".

Foo Bar.    You are one evil man!!!!   A nice little how-to-guide there. 

If I were to contemplate infidelity, I think I would live by these rules:

1.  NEVER bring the other person back to your place.   If she/he becomes a stalker - you are done!
2.  Always pay attention to detail when covering your tracks.  DO NOT BE LAZY HERE or you will be caught.  NEVER BE LAZY!!!!
3.  Be very careful in this age of technology.  I agree that prepaid phones are good.  But with smartphones/myspace/email it is difficult.
4.  Keep your actions and alibi's somewhat "normal".  For example, to suddenly go out with your friends every night will cause questions.
5.  Always have a reasonable excuse, BUT BE CAREFUL, too many excuses doesn't make sense.
6.  If you have a very close friend you trust with your life, 100% ONLY, he/she can make a good alibi.  BE CAREFUL - must trust 100%!!!!

WOMEN - remember this.  A man is only as good as his options.   


This applies to women also, Midnite.