OK, I've read HPB twice now and am brimming with hypotheses. Feel free to join in with your own outlandish conspiracy theories.


#1. Sirius' brother took the necklace Horcrux (initials R.A.B?) Harry will either find it in Grimmauld Place (which he has now inherited) or, more likely, it would have been stolen and sold off by Mundungus Fletcher.

#2. Dumbledore's hand was blackened by lifting the Unbreakable Vow from Snape. Rowling's emphasis on non-verbal spells throughout the book could lead up to the fact that Snape yelled 'Avada Kedavra' whilst simply levitating Dumbledore off the edge of the tower with a non-verbal spell. However, to continue the curse of DADA teachers never lasting more than a year, he will have to go into hiding to maintain the illusion of Dumbledore's death. By keeping the truth from even Harry, Dumbledore can ensure the element of surprise in returning to fight Voldemort.

#3. Dumbledore said that it was possible to use animals as Horcruxes. Hence it is plausible that people could also be used. Hence I conclude, from all of the character traits and abilities that Harry shares with Voldermort, that HE is actually a Horcrux (and that is why Voldemort was drained of power in performing the spell on him as a baby without him being killed.) Voldemort simply 'marked him as equal' by imprinting the 7th part of his soul in Harry, making it a dramatic end as Harry realises the only way of completely destroying Voldemort is by killing himself.

#4. House elves play a role in fighting Voldemort. Kreacher and Dobby were able to Apparate and Disapparate within the Hogwarts walls when security was tightened 'ten fold'... surely they hold hidden powers capable of fighting wizards. If indeed Hogwarts is closed for the following year, the elves will be free from their bonds of enslavement and join Hermione's S.P.E.W as an army.


I'm done for now. Hit me with your enlightening views!

Only on chapter 2 right now, can't help ya. I'll be sure to avoid reading this thread for its spoiler potential. :-X

If you want a Harry Potter "spoiler", allow me to SPOIL this thread with the following GRISLY image ...

Luke, I'm quite impressed with your theories, and tend to agree with all except the last one.  Dobby maybe, but never Kreacher.

How has everyone liked the 6th book thus far?  I thought it was fantastic, and went much faster than the 5th one.

Johnny, where are you in that pic?

Johnny, where are you in that pic?



At The Concord Bookshop in my hometown of Concord, Massachusetts, sometime around 12:30 AM this past Saturday morning.  My wife and I had dinner that Friday evening around the corner at The Walden Grille, and then later, we went by the Bookshop to visit a friend of ours who is an assistant manager and who was dressed-up as Professor McGonagall for the Bookshop's midnight Harry Potter book-release-extravaganza.

The Bookshop was magnificently decorated with all manner of Potter-Paraphernalia, and packed with kids lined-up to get their copies of the 6th book (I think it's "Half-Blood Prince", right?).

It was fun --- I was goofing around at the podium in the front of the store when my wife snapped that picture!

Sounds like a hoot!

There was a Harry Potter extravaganza at our downtown library on Friday night/Saturday morning.  There were all sorts of Harry Potter activities, and you could buy books there and stuff.  I wanted to go, but had other plans, darnit!  Anyway, if you haven't read any of the books I highly suggest that you do.  They are fabulous!!

Johnny, where are you in that pic?


He's in the center, behind the podium...duh!

He's in the center, behind the podium...duh!



That retort occurred to me, too, Jeff --- you beat me to it !

I sent luke my responses in a personal message since i thought they might be a bit too detailed to put on this thread, but I agree that they all probably have some truth in them, especially the 1st one. And I agree with Arwen about Kreacher, he's slightly less trustworthy than gollum.

The house-elf one was relating to all of the Hogwarts elves, not just Dobby and Kreacher.
And however untrustful Kreacher is, he is still under the command of Harry.
Oh, and another thing...

#5. Hermione and Ron get rocky at the wedding when Ron falls in love with Fleur's little sister, who has 'grown' a bit over the past few years.

#6. Peter Pettigrew's silver hand is magically powerful and he is forced to use it against Voldemort due to the wizarding bond with Harry from the end of Book 3.

five seems entirely possible, as for six I have no idea I have no recollection of the event you referred to. I tend to read a bit fast... i finished number 6 before 9 pm on the saturday it came out.

The house-elf one was relating to all of the Hogwarts elves, not just Dobby and Kreacher.
And however untrustful Kreacher is, he is still under the command of Harry.
Oh, and another thing...

#5. Hermione and Ron get rocky at the wedding when Ron falls in love with Fleur's little sister, who has 'grown' a bit over the past few years.

#6. Peter Pettigrew's silver hand is magically powerful and he is forced to use it against Voldemort due to the wizarding bond with Harry from the end of Book 3.



What?

I sent luke my responses in a personal message since i thought they might be a bit too detailed to put on this thread, but I agree that they all probably have some truth in them, especially the 1st one. And I agree with Arwen about Kreacher, he's slightly less trustworthy than gollum.


Just so you know, I am not Arwen.  I am her trusty sidekick Ashkicksass. 

sorry... i saw the princess picture and didn't double check

7. he 'Killing' spell turns out to not be a killing spell at all, it only tranfers souls from the body to somewhere else, Harry finds out and sets out to help Dumbledore n his Mum n Dad cos there really alive, he only found dis out after destroying all the cruxes but himself (if #3 is true)

Unfortunately at the last minute, voldemort n draco show up just as harry n ron are about to set everyone free again, n he fights em but snape shows up n turns on voldemort and malfoy n almost kill vold but it dont work, then shock horror, it turns out that malfoy is the last horcrux, harry kills malfoy but hundreds of Death Eaters appear n dey looked doomed nutil hermione n the SPEW army turn up  n kickbutt n then they set everyone free. yay

7. he 'Killing' spell turns out to not be a killing spell at all, it only tranfers souls from the body to somewhere else, Harry finds out and sets out to help Dumbledore n his Mum n Dad cos there really alive, he only found dis out after destroying all the cruxes but himself (if #3 is true)

Unfortunately at the last minute, voldemort n draco show up just as harry n ron are about to set everyone free again, n he fights em but snape shows up n turns on voldemort and malfoy n almost kill vold but it dont work, then shock horror, it turns out that malfoy is the last horcrux, harry kills malfoy but hundreds of Death Eaters appear n dey looked doomed nutil hermione n the SPEW army turn up  n kickbutt n then they set everyone free. yay


Yee-esss!!! Have you got that in an illustrated version?  ;D

OK, this one's about as justifiable as my 'Snape aint evil' one, as I can't think my way around the fact that there is now a portrait of Dumbledore in the Headmaster's Office.

R.A.B= Professor Binns?
We know he woke up one morning dead, possibly he was poisoned by Death Eaters to make it look like he died of natural causes.
Surely a teacher chosen by Dumbledore would be a skillful wizard, possibly he was in the Order last time. The photograph that Mad-Eye Moody had of the old Order may have Binns in it, but Harry left after seeing his parents come to the front of the crowded photo.

Dumbledore is a Whorecrux.

Someone who challenged Voldemort probably would be a more interesting ghost than binns

Dumbledore is a Whorecrux.


YOU'RE a Whorecrux.

(And no more 10-point font. Use your words, Stewie!)

Check out this Harry Potter Personality Quiz, and if you take it, post who you are.  I am freaking Voldemort!


http://piratemonkeysinc.com/result.php

Check out this Harry Potter Personality Quiz, and if you take it, post who you are. I am freaking Voldemort!

http://piratemonkeysinc.com/result.php

Wow, that test IS good. Without even taking the test, it was able to discern that I was '...someone who didn't answer all the questions. Go back and try again.'
Spooky...
Nahh, I'm a Lupin: The Introverted Loner (which would shock the hell out of anyone who remembers me before turning 14 or so.)

This is pretty funny.


Oh, and to add to my Harry/Horcrux theory, (SO not Dumbledore...) if he's a descendant of Godric Gryffindor, this would increase Voldemort's appeal in him to complete the whole Hogwarts-founders 'set'. Why else would Potter's family have been living in Godric's Hollow?

Check out this Harry Potter Personality Quiz, and if you take it, post who you are.  I am freaking Voldemort!
http://piratemonkeysinc.com/result.php

For some peculiar reason I got pegged as Severus Snape.  8) The below came from another website:
Name Meaning: Severus can be thought as Severe. And Snape is definately severe when it comes to punishments.
Physical Appearence: Snape is a thin, greasey man with black hair.
Personality: The first word that comes to mind when thinking of Snape is bitter. He is bitter towards pretty much everything. He's bitter towards the Potters. He's bitter toward his job. And he's bitter toward Neville Longbottom. He is overly cynical and sarcastic so much that he is just plain bitchy. He is very unjust, usually picking favorites like Draco Malfoy and the other Slytherins. Like all good Slytherins, he is highly cunning, ambitious, and rather intelligent and quick. Even though he is a nasty and mean, he is not exactly evil. He's just whiney and spiteful and seeks revenge. He sure deserves a good kick.
Hijinxes: Snape came to Hogwarts knowing more black magic than even the teachers did. His great ambitous behavior landed him right in Slytherin in which he was in the inner circle of future deatheaters. He knew James Potter, Lily, Sirius, Remus, and Peter and hated their guts. Snape HATES Harry with a passion. Dumbledore seems to trust Severus even after his tinted past. He is nasty to all those not Slytherin, and especially nasty to Harry and Neville.

uh oh I'm a dead man... Sirius Black

Good grief! I'm Hermione.

I think that at the end of the last Harry Potter book, Bob Newhart wakes up and says "You won't believe the dream I just had".

(If you're wondering what the heck I mean, read paragraph seven at http://www.bpcbakbusconf.com/2000-newhart.htm).

Oh, what a Lupin am I. 

I'll bet that plane got shot down in a matter of seconds after that scene was filmed.

"Damn you!!  You can't just go flying that thing around without a spoiler warning!  Sorry, this is for the good of the people!" 

I'm freakin Percy Weasley. As for thoughts on the finish...

I'm firmly in the Regalus Black boat for RAB and I'm also still harboring thoughts that Snape is going to be the ultimate hero helper.

I do think Albus be dead. I think he froze Harry to make sure he saw the act with his own two eyes as opposed to getting a different story from different witnesses. I believe Dumbledore knew about the vow and that he made sure what happened happened in front of Harry. NOW... I'm also curious as to what the picture in the headmaster's office will say and for that matter... who says Minerva will be the new headmaster? Hogwarts might not even be open. As popular as Dumbledore was there HAVE to be enough paintings around to ensure his place in the final novel if needed. I doubt so much attention would have been paid to his funeral if he wasn't really dead.

My desired ending would be for Snape to take the ultimate sacrifice leading Harry to his final conquest. Also... I hope Ron dies so I don't have to listen to him anymore.

I do think Albus be dead.


"He will only be gone from the school when none here are loyal to him".  Awww.

And, although I know it's not quite the same, Dumbledore is in the Headmaster's office, in a portrait on the wall. I honestly don't think he'll be sleeping all through the next book. 

Well, if you're still in denial, you can check out a rabid fansite, aptly named, here.. 

I can't quite remember, as I have just recently polluted my head by going back over #4 and #5... twice (I've been catching trains every day for the past week. Shut up.) but didn't Harry overhear Dumbledore and Snape arguing in the forest or something as he passed by? I think Dumbledore knew that he was going to die, which is why he ensured that Harry knew as much about Voldemort as possible. Also, I remember distinctly that Rowling had Dumbledore looking out over a blood-red sunset (or sunrise?), and the last time she had one of those, Sirius died within the next chapter.

As for Ron dying... note that HE was Harry's preciousssss in the second Triwizard task.

I also think that Harry will be hooning around on Sirius' motorbike next book, having inherited it and also the fact that he needs more symbolism regarding his whole 'isolated protagonist fulfilling his destiny' persona.

OH OH OH! Rowling has also said that she made sure she worded the prophecy right. Note that Harry throws the prophecy to Neville in the room with the veil, and NOTHING HAPPENS TO HIM. Apparently, only those of whom a prophecy was made will be able to handle it... and I would really like to know when Malfoy was born. His parents may have defied Voldemort's orders 'three times', as Narcissa seems to be the type to want to protect her family.

I'm done. I leave you now with random excerpts from my first Harry Potter parody. It was exactly 50000 words.
I was 14, so... expect the worst...

I can't quite remember...but didn't Harry overhear Dumbledore and Snape arguing in the forest or something as he passed by? I think Dumbledore knew that he was going to die, which is why he ensured that Harry knew as much about Voldemort as possible.

Yes, yes, yes!  Thank you, Luke.  Finally someone agrees with me.  I think Hagrid let it slip when he was tipsy or something.  Thank you, alcohol.  

An interesting theory from OMFGDUMBLEDORLIVES!!!.com.

Potions come into play a lot in the course of Half-Blood Prince. In Chapter 9, Professor Slughorn presents four already-made potions to his first class, three of which figure prominently in the story.

They are Veritaserum (truth potion), Polyjuice Potion, which we find out later is being used by Crabbe and Goyle to disguise themselves as girls while they're lookouts for Draco, Amortentia (love potion), which Ron accidentally injests from a candy meant for Harry, and Feilx Felicis, which aids the members of Dumbledore's Army later in the climax of the story.

Then, in the same class, Harry, with the aid of the Half-Blood Prince, produces a perfect Draught of Living Death, which was introduced to us way back in Snape's first lesson in the first book. Interestingly, in pratically the same breath, Snape also mentions the bezoar which also figures prominently in Half-Blood Prince, and also wolfsbane, which we know helps Lupin later in Prisoner of Azkaban:

"For your information, Potter, asphodel and wormwood make a sleeping potion so powerful it is known as the Draught of Living Death. A bezoar is a stone taken from the stomach of a goat and it will save you from most poisons. As far as monkshood and wolfsbane, they are the same plant... (SS/PS pg 138/103)

Some fans are speculating that the fifth potion in this scene is important too, that Dumbledore uses the Draught of Living Death to somehow fake his death that night up on the tower. While this theory is possible, besides the mention of the Draught of Living Death here in Chapter 9, to my knowledge there is no other evidence to support this theory.

Dumbledore went out for a drink, did he not? Regulus Black didn't die, everyone just thinks he's dead because he emptied Voldemort's little bowl of the potion to get the ACTUAL Horcrux out.

(Oh. And was the identity of the Half-Blood Prince about as obvious to everyone as the fact that Sirius Black was the black dog Harry kept seeing in Book 3. In the Snape-Penseive flashback, Snape used that Sectasempra non-verbal spell on James' cheek, which clinched any doubts I had that it was Dumbledore or Lily.

This thread totally sucks, right?

Luke, those quotes amuse me to no end.  *re-re-re-affirms marriage vows*  You are one brilliant basswhole.  

(Oh. And was the identity of the Half-Blood Prince about as obvious blah blah blah...wrong end punctuation...)

This thread totally sucks, right?


Yes, and yes.

((What convinced me was the mention of 'cramped' handwriting, and in "Snape's Worst Memory", his writing on his OWLS was deemed 'cramped' as well.))

Sorry, I was just pissed you started a new page of threadage, leaving my baeobies behind.
Hormoany blames the crampage on gonorrhoea.


CHAPTER ONE
Vermin Parsley was a large, sweaty man with less neck than Marie-Antoinette, although almost as much moustache. His wife, Peculiar, was thin with a rather long neck, which got her into a right bit of trouble when she fell into the giraffe pen at the local zoo during mating season.

We now begin our story of Hairy Potted; and how his triumphs over evil metaphorically represent the world of professional bocci.

That night, the evening news predicted scattered meteor showers, a warm front of broomsticks sweeping in from the west and, predictably for England, rain.

The Parsleys lay Dullard to bed in his ruby-encrusted cot, then herded up the remaining orphans into their cellar, generously tossing in a few extra bales of hay for warmth. Soon enough, Vermin and Peculiar were fast asleep, reducing speed for dream bumps and the occasional nightmare pedestrian.

Fumbling awkwardly up the dark street, the geriatric fool bumped into several trees, loudly topple over a collection of trash cans and set off a security alarm, all in the name of an utterly inconspicuous entrance into the novel. He stopped at the front of number four thousand and two where a large, vandalised plaque on the front gates read:
P A R S L E Y  O R P H A N A G ES
F O R  U N L U C K Y  Y O U T H.
Dumbodork rolled his eyes, getting a pair of threes.

At this, Haggis slowly removed a crumpled bundle of cloth from his jacket. A tiny head peeped out from underneath, wearing a red cap with an 'M' insignia.
"Letsa go! Yipee!" the infant chirped. Dumbodork's left eyebrow raised.
"Whoops, I got this little 'un orf a Yoshi down the pub!"

"He'll have that scab for ever." Dumbodork murmured quietly, taking the child in his arms. "Just like the one I got when I attempted that spell to increase the length of my-" He paused, blushed and turned around to mask his blurted embarrassment.

"Well, I think it's time to let him go." Profaner MuckGonadal suggested. Dumbodork nodded, shaking a small shower of dandruff over baby Hairy.
"Yes. We'd best be off celebrating while we leave this infant unprotected on a doorstep in the cold of the night where he is exposed for night predators to attack him."

"Farewell, Hairy Potted... until we meet again" whispered Dumbodork. He stood up, hitting his head on a lamp post. Cursing, he gave a swish of his tutu, exposing his privates, and he'd vanished.

CHAPTER TWO
Over a matter of turning the page, a decade has passed in this story. Things had barely changed at all in 4002 Privates Drive; except for climate, size, smell, appearance and other trivial matters.

As usual, Hairy was ordered to lay the table; he cursed his poultry genetics which enabled him to pass gueridons through his bowels after having eaten planks of wood.

Unco Vermin turned away, permitting a grin to slyly appear on Hairy's face. Mrs Parsley had already given him the very same punishment for impregnating her lingerie catalogue.

Hairy was having the time of his life at the petting zoo, apart from not being able to see the giraffes for some odd reason of Ant Peculiar's.

Mr and Mrs Parsley were too occupied with the other orphans, who were greedily eating flaccid vegetable scraps from the sheep's trough.

Once they had returned home, Mr Parsley turned straight to Hairy with a menacing scowl, bending down face-to-face.
"Go - cupboard - stay - no dinner - unable to -  string together - coherent - sentences."

A poorly aimed jab with a catling by a slightly irate dentist had left Hairy with the 'L'-shaped scab across his forehead. Sometimes, when Hairy strained his memory, he envisioned a flash of green and a burning pain in his head... though this may have been a recollection of getting brain freeze from a big lime Slushy.

CHAPTER THREE
"Check the mail, Dullard." grunted Mr Parsley.
"Make Hairy do it." whined Dullard.
"Check the mail, Hairy." grunted Mr Parsley.
"Make Kevin do it." retorted Hairy.
Unco Vermin looked up from his paper.
"Who the hell is Kevin?" he bellowed. The family all turned to observe a scrawny boy  in a wheelchair bobbing up and down excitedly in the middle of the room.
"I like cheese! I like cheese!" chirped Kevin, waving a large chunk of cheddar about.

Hairy stood up.
"I want to read my-" he began, but the letter had already been tossed into the microwave, the paper curling up at the corners as it caught alight, gradually exposing a golden ring inside of the envelope with Elvish writing engraved… oh, wrong story.

And so they drove. They drove afar.
They drove inside their little car.
The little car along the road.
They drove and drove and drove and drove.
The road was long, the road was black.
Mr Parsley doubled back.
'They should be easy enough to fool.'
He muttered, driving to the pool.

'Three minutes till I'm eleven.' Hairy thought to himself.
'Two minutes... one minute... half a minute... a sixth of a minute... seven-sixtieths of a minute... pi-eighty-fifths of a minute...

CHAPTER FOUR
Haggis started counting bricks with his cane.
"Now, wha' was it? Two up, four across... no wait, three up and... oh, screw it!"
At this, the gigantic man arched up and swung his fat at the wall. With a loud smash, the bricks shattered and crumbled away to expose a small pathway leading to a wide cobbled street.
"Welcome," Haggis said to Hairy. "To Diaphragm Gully."

CHAPTER FIVE
The vault door melted away to expose a small package wrapped in toilet paper in the centre of the dark cell. Hairy's brow furrowed.
"Hey, where's that spotlight coming from, and all that orchestral music?"

Mr Olivespandex turned to Haggis.
"Ahh, Rubicund! I remember when you first came to me! Quite large, if memory serves me right: twenty inches, rather plump, with several strands of ogre pubes." Haggis screwed up his face in confusion.
"Almost righ', but I was bigger 'n twen'y inches!" he said.

"Here, Potted, try this one." Hairy was handed a celery rod, twelve inches long, harbouring the uteral lining of a mermaid.

CHAPTER SIX
"Righ' yeh tiny-to's, le's ge' inter them bins an' row the the oth'r side, eh ickle 'uns!" boomed Haggis. The group of freshmen stared gapingly at this indecipherable sentence. Haggis cleared his throat and tried again.
"I imploringly beseech those of you among the chronologically-challenged to accompany myself to a location fit for boarding aqueous vessels, as means of locomotion to the opposing shore." The group of freshmen stared gapingly at this indecipherable sentence.

CHAPTER SEVEN
Hormoany was having a trivial chat with Teen dum****.
"Yes, I also believe that Albert Einstein's theory is obsolete, as light now takes longer to travel through space-time due to universal expansion." Rum, however, was  deeply involved in a scintillating discussion with one of his Siamese-twin brothers, Gorge.
"Wanna see Frig and I fart and burp at the same time?"

The man had slick black hair, devil horns and a forked tail. Suddenly, he turned and his eyes locked onto Hairy's. A sharp pain shot through Hairy's scab.
"Whoops, sorry!" said Rum, removing his fork from Hairy's head.

CHAPTER EIGHT
"Now, class, Poachings is a subject in which you will learn how to poach magical brews. However, it will take many years to master poachings for deluding the mind, concoctions for cheating death and sedatives that can be slipped to unsuspecting female students during tutorial classes, rendering them vuln..." Snoop stopped abruptly and looked up, as if just realising there were other people in the room.

Profaner Snoop deducted ten points from Graafiandor for Hairy not leaping from the other side of the room to stop Nibble adding the porcupine ovaries prematurely.

Haggis continued to babble evasively, turning his gaze as far away as possible in order to avoid Hairy's eyes. Soon, his neck had completed a half-revolution. Rum exchanged looks of suspicion with Hairy and the two got up to leave.
"See yez later!" Haggis called, his head facing in the opposite direction.

CHAPTER NINE
Nibble Lungbuttock unwrapped the package.
"Cool, a Remembrmost... they help you recll anything you might have frgttn!"

Hairy found Oldliver Would's accent about as decipherable as Haggis yodelling with a mouthful of cookie dough.

"Lungbuttock? What are you doing out so late?" whispered Hairy frantically.
"Well, Ginger said she'd meet me down here to show off her new leather-" Nibble's reply was abruptly cut off, however, as Hormoany broke a urinal over his head. A look of understanding suddenly dawned on his blood-spattered face.
"Erm, I mean... forgot the password again."

Mr Belch sped around the corner.
"I distinctively heard the sound of adolescent breasts!" he hissed to his pet cougar, Mrs Notorious. Belch sniffed the air with his large, hairy nostrils.
"Yep. Fresh mammaries... young caucasian female... B-cup..." He sniffed again.
"...with traces of male saliva." he added. Hormoany began to whistle innocently.

"Well that settles that." Hormoany replied. "If you don't mind, I need my beauty sleep. I hope you don't have any other plans to get us all killed, or worse: make us infertile!"

Hairy lay awake, his mind ticking over. Haggis had swallowed the secret bundle for safe-keeping inside his enormous gut, and the vault where he had got it from had been broken into just after. As Haggis had been taking daily laxatives since their visit to Gangrene's, Hairy made a mental note to closely monitor Haggis' bowel movement over the following weeks, to discover what the secret parcel was, once ejected.
...thinking twice, he cancelled this mental note.

CHAPTER TEN
Profaner Flipwit looked up at Drachma.
"Actually, Master Malformed, Potted is quite within his rights to own a vacuum-cleaner in his first year to play Spinach. I could only confiscate it if he used it for... reasons you will learn of when you're older..."

With a blinding flash, Helpful Beaver appeared.
"Helpful Beaver to the rescue!" the pudgy rodent chanted. It began felling several large trees that were somehow growing inside Hairy's dormitory. Within minutes, a sizeable dam had been constructed in Hairy's doorway.

The multicoloured castor turned to leave, but Rum grabbed hold of the flowing yellow cape.
"Wait, Helpful Beaver! Will we ever see you again?" sobbed Rum tearfully. Helpful Beaver stood atop his newly-built dam as a beaming spotlight shimmered behind him.
"Though I leave now, know this: Wherever people are in distress, whenever there is injustice in the world, Helpful Beaver will be there!"

"You're Graafiandor's best Peeker since your father!" said Gorge. Hairy stopped mid-chew.
"My dad was Peeker?" he asked incredulously.
"Of course! It's in your genes!" replied Frig, before the two Bleaters got up and trundled off to dorm. Having only had a rudimentary scientific education, Hairy was quite baffled at this comment, suspicious at what exactly the 'gift' was in his jeans.

Hairy heard screams from the girls' lavatory and followed Rum inside to find Hormoany cowering on the floor beneath a giant Ahnold troll.
"Confuse it!" yelled Rum. He picked up a chunk of debris and threw it hard at the Austrian behemoth. It hit Hormoany.

From that night on, Hairy, Hormoany and Rum were the best of friends. There are some things that you can't share without ending up liking each other; and fighting off a giant foreign over-the-hill actor-turned-politician-whose-name-has-been-changed-to-conceal-his-identity was one of them.

CHAPTER ELEVEN
"What's up with Snoop's limp?" asked Rum.
"Hope it's not gonorrhoea." Hormoany muttered.

Rum snapped a plastic glove over his hand and carefully lifted the back of Hairy's frilly tutu. Reaching deep inside, he pulled something from out of Hairy's behind. Hormoany gave a squeak of excitement.
"The Baldin' Snatch! Hairy caught it in his butt-cheeks as he was falling!"

CHAPTER TWELVE
Hairy unwrapped the present, revealing a hand-carved set of bagpipes. Hairy blew into them. A hollow hoot sounded, resembling that of a retarded parrot. Hodwog fluttered down from his perch and started chatting up the tartan instrument.

As Snoop drew closer and closer to the aisle where Hairy was crouched, a moment of inspiration occurred. Hairy tossed the book in his hand in the opposing direction as a diversion. The novel spiralled through an open window, across to Graafiandor tower, in through another open window... and hit Hormoany.

CHAPTER THIRTEEN
Nibble plucked out the chintzy collector's disc.
"Hey Hairy, have you got the Dumbodork one yet?" Hairy's POV travelled from Nibble's pudgy face to an extreme close-up of the Dumbodork card. Dissonant violin chords wavered as we zoomed into Hairy's expression.
"Nickelass Flannel! I knew I'd seen Nickelass Flannel's name before!" Hairy shouted excitedly. Hormoany and Rum looked up at each other and slapped their foreheads at how stupid they had been.
"Of course! He's on the back of the Dumbodork disc!" said Rum. Hairy blinked.
"Oh... yeah... but I was referring to that." Hairy motioned to a gigantic portrait of Nickelass Flannel towering over the Graafiandor Cummin Room.

"It is nice to see you have kept your butt away from The Mirage of Erriered."

Profaner Quibble stood there moronically, thinking up synonyms for 'fez'.

CHAPTER FOURTEEN
Haggis offered them a mug of tea, which they each drank with a fork and hatchet.

"It also says here that they grow up to forty metres in length and can breathe fire within a matter of weeks." said Hairy.
"Haggis, you live in a wooden shelter." said Rum.
"Surrounded by several acres of dry grass and forest." added Hormoany.
"Not to mention the thirty tanks of flammable gas that Dumbodork had dumped in your garden!"

"My brother Gnarly works with dragons in Pyromania." said Rum.

CHAPTER FIFTEEN
"Quit saying his name!" she hissed.
"Who's? Vulvamork's?" replied Hairy dull-wittedly.

CHAPTER SIXTEEN
At this, Profaner Snoop began cackling malevolently into Hairy's face. He turned with a swish of his tutu, still laughing maniacally, as the hem caught around his neck. Snoop struggled with it for a moment, bashing into a nearby pillar before overbalancing and toppling over the balcony into a pile of elephant dung two storeys below. After Snoop had spat out a mouthful of proboscidean faeces, there was a slight pause before his evil laughter started up once more.

The narrator slapped Rum across the face with a lantern.

"Oh no!" moaned Rum. "We haven't got an instrument to play!" he said, punching the wall in frustration, then wincing in pain. Hormoany gave an audible cough.
"Actually, we do. I borrowed Hairy's bagpipes for band camp practise..." She withdrew a large tangle of tartan and pipe from underneath her skirt. The boys ogled.
"Erm, Hormoany, I think you should play it!" muttered Hairy.

"Helpful Beaver to the rescue!" chanted Helpful Beaver.
"Jeepers, Helpful Beaver! A call of distress!" cried the caped Assisting Capybara.
"What appears to be the problem? Do you need another dam built?" asked Helpful Beaver, beginning to fell a few nearby elm trees.
"Ah, no, actually, we just need you to download us into…" Hairy trailed off. The caped Assisting Capybara had whipped out a metallic device of some sort.
"Leapin' lizards, Helpful Beaver! We need to work double-time! Tally ho!" he chirped, using his gnawing abilities to bring down the remaining trunks. Hairy sighed.

Helpful Beaver and the caped Assisting Capybara stood atop the giant dam they had just manufactured, leading out through the Crapdoor. A gleaming illumination radiated from behind them.
"Well, caped Assisting Capybara," began Helpful Beaver. "I guess we have once again foiled the powers of-" At that moment, Buttfluff descended down through the Crapdoor and tore off Helpful Beaver's head. The caped Assisting Capybara screamed in terror.
"Jumpin' jackrabbits!" Helpful Beaver was soon a pile of bloody shreds, as Buttfluff violently gorged down chunks of his raw flesh before turning on the remaining rodent. A bloodcurdling scream fell on deaf ears as Hairy, Rum and Hormoany arrived at their new destination

Choose, unless you wish to stay in here for evermore,
Until we finish this lame series up to number four.
These clues are sly and sneaky in revealing which is what,
So read them many times through 'til the answer you have got.
Firstly, the deadly viruses are the three in the middle,
The Macon wines are at the end, for you to wet your whistle.
The stein to get you forwards is the second from the right,
And second from the left returns all others from this plight.

Hairy crept down a dimly lit flight of stairs into a large room at the bottom. Someone was there, it wasn't Snoop or even Vulvamork… it was Haggis.

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
Haggis' flabby butt cheeks hung over the sides of a large chamber pot as he strained to excrete the Philanderer's Stein

"What do you see?" hissed Quibble.
"Err… a carrot!" said Hairy off the top of his head. "And it's got... some... cheese." Quibble eyed Hairy with an odd look.

Profaner Quibble began slowly removing his fez. Second after second, the fez was drawn back to dramatically reveal... his hair!
"Phew! That's better! My head was getting hot in this stuffy room." said Quibble. Suddenly, a horrific voice called out.
"Hairy Potted, I will now meet you face to face!" the voice rasped. Hairy backed away, looking for a way to escape..
"Now, Quibble! I am ready to face him!" Quibble lifted up his tutu… and flashed Potted.
"Sweet merciful crap!" screamed Hairy. Right where Quibble should have had… an appendage... was Nerd Vulvamork's head. It was chalk white, with bulging eyes, a jagged mouth and slits for nostrils... similar to the grotesquery of Michael Jackson's current visage.

With his last ounce of remaining strength, Profaner Quibble looked up from where he lay on the floor, a forest of flowers dancing on his head. He wore an expression of sombrero pride, of ruthless flowers, of raven terror- of incest and Popeless despatch.
He looked back through the pages of time travel gone wrong, of endless references to excrement and cheese... The man cried out twice, a cry no more than a whisper:
"The terror! The terror!"

Hairy was interrupted by a seagull regurgitating into a deodorant can .

Dumbodork cleared his throat, a fleck of oesophagus slime cartwheeling across the room.

"So, after all the fricking trouble we went to…" began Hormoany coldly.
"Risking our fricking lives to save the fricking Philanderer's Stein from the hands of the most powerful fricking villain in the fricking world…" continued Rum icily.
"Those fricking fools decide to DESTROY THE FRICKING THING?!" they screamed in unison. As the three Graafiandors stood panting with suppressed fury. Kevin slowly wheeled his way up from the Forbidding Forest, in through the Entranced Hall, along the wheelchair-access ramp up to the sick bay and stopped alongside the protagonists.
"I like cheese!" he said, before wheeling back out of sick bay, down the wheelchair-access ramp, out of the Entranced Hall and into the Forbidding Forest again. 

"Graafiandor loses all of their points." It was silent with shock as the Graafiandor thermometer, which had just shot up from a giant hole in the soil, emptied down to ground level. Dumbodork continued on without a wink.
"To add to this, it was poor school spirit when certain students had lost three million points. Hence, all students who partook in any jeering will lose all the points that you may have earned throughout the year." The Silverys, Ravercorks and Hecklepucks gaped in flabbergasted awe as the jelly crystals emptied out from their own  thermometers. The final result was zero to all, except… one point to Hecklepuck.
"It appears that the retard Kevin was the only one who didn't engage in this despicable behaviour." said Dumbodork. All eyes turned to Kevin, who was currently wearing his plate as a hat and balancing a number of cheeses atop it.

Waiting at the station was Mrs Weakly. She ran up past Rum, ignoring him completely, and embraced Hairy in a big bear hug.

As Hairy lay back to ease the pain of the bumpy road on his sore body, he felt a crumpled scroll of toilet paper in his pocket. Unfolding it with difficulty in the cramped space of the car boot, Hairy held up the slip of greasy tissue to a ray of sunlight that was streaming through a hole caused by rust. He read it aloud:
'I like cheese.'
A warm feeling filled his insides and Hairy knew that everything was going to be fine.
But even so, he would have to wait a mighty long time until his next year at Dogfarts Institute of Wizardry and Weird Plots, but he had to, so he did...
...wait.
Yep.
...yep yep.
He waited and waited...
...aaand waited.

So you decided to post it all over again.

*giraffes copulate*

Now it is not even funny.

"More like YOU'RE a sub-terranean Shift-key!"

-Rum, Changer of Sequins

"More like YOU'RE a sub-terranean Shift-key!"

-Rum, Changer of Sequins


Luke, you are digging yourself a grave.  Stop posting your clever little quotes before you start decomposing. 

'Yeah, that's my gig.'

-nevohteeB

'Yeah, that's my gig.'

-nevohteeB



*cuts own throat out with scissors*

Cooooorny. 

Sorry. Back to Conspiracising.

... who's up for some Neville/Luna/Ron love-triangle shipping?

OH NO.
http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=5601561868

Sorry. Back to Conspiracising.

... who's up for some Neville/Luna/Ron love-triangle shipping?

OH NO.
http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=5601561868


LMAO, Luke...am I still the highest bidder?

I could be up for a little Neville/Luna, but Ron belongs to Harry.  Sorry.

If any of you have seen the Potter Puppet Pals, Dumbledore's emphasis on 'love' throughout the book could not strike me as profound, as I kept hearing him say 'Alas.  A cornucopia of love.' 

I just remembered how obvious it was that Malfoy was the one sobbing to Myrtle, too.
Hmm... that's the only time he seems to have expressed emotion... when he's with Myrtle... a little lavatory loving going on here?

I saw the Puppet Pals a while ago...  I remember something about them pissing off Snape. Then doing it again. Then shooting him.

I saw the Puppet Pals a while ago...  I remember something about them pissing off Snape. Then doing it again. Then shooting him.

Ah, but you're confusing "Bothering Snape" with " Trouble at Hogwarts".

Bothering Snape = "Bothabothabothabothabotha..."  "AVADA KEDAVRA!"

Trouble at Hogwarts = "I love to learn."  "I love magic."  "I love you, Harry!"  "Uh." 

Link me.

(my 'c' button is broken...)

Link me.

(my 'c' button is broken...)


Thar she blows. You'll have to click on either 'view in new window' or...the other one.  Yep. 

Not another one.

I just spent five minutes trying to confogure the volume, when my headphones were in my CD player.

Dynamite: "IDIOT!"

Dynamite: "IDIOT!"


Bonaparte: "Women are nothing but machines for producing children."

Bonaparte was a twat. What, so WE'RE the ones supposed to cook, clean and change the diapers?

*attempts a glance at Emi's feet under pretense of perving on cleavage*
Hmm, it's harder to tell from ankle socks... mediums?...

Pettigrew's silver hand... used to kill Lupin?

Pettigrew's silver hand... used to kill Lupin?

Sounds feasible.  Also, I think Voldemort is a vampire.  Why else would his name be so close to Vlad?  ;D

I guess they should serve steaks with garlic at the end of book seven.

Pettigrew's silver hand... used to kill Lupin?


Very well could be, as Voldemort probably knows that Lupin's part of the underground werewolf clan now...I sure hope not, though.  Lupin is one of my very, very favorite characters. 

Voldemort is obviously not a vampire to anyone who read the boooks and knows almost his entire life story. Unless... the final horcrux is located in some vampire somewhere

Voldemort is obviously not a vampire to anyone who read the boooks and knows almost his entire life story. Unless... the final horcrux is located in some vampire somewhere


Ah, but you forgot to take into account that JKR likes to rearrange names and Voldemort = "voter mold" and Harry Potter = "retro thrapy"  It's too clear.

Sounds feasible. Also, I think Voldemort is a vampire. Why else would his name be so close to Vlad? ;D

I guess they should serve steaks with garlic at the end of book seven.


Voldemort, oozing blood from his chest: "I admit, that was a well done stake."


I'm still racking my nuts off over who Regulus could be. If keeping with her 'Sirius Black' theme of him as a black dog, then Regulus (a star of Leo) would be lion-like... is he the current Minister of Magic?! Regulus/Rufus... with mane'like hair... not too much of a stretch there.



Lupin is one of my very, very favorite characters.

I didn't like the guy who played Lupin in the film. He was pale but... ugly. I always had a sort of younger Robin Williams in mind. And the current Mad-Eye Moody isn't nearly as mutilated enough... and Seamus' left foot is smaller than the other... and where do I even START with Peeves?...

I'm still racking my nuts off over who Regulus could be. If keeping with her 'Sirius Black' theme of him as a black dog, then Regulus (a star of Leo) would be lion-like... is he the current Minister of Magic?! Regulus/Rufus... with mane'like hair... not too much of a stretch there.

Oh, come off it.  No way the Ministry would appoint a former Death Eater.  Especially since he was a former Auror...or so they say.  All the same, Regulus would be a bit younger than Sirius was, wouldn't he?


I didn't like the guy who played Lupin in the film. He was pale but... ugly. I always had a sort of younger Robin Williams in mind. And the current Mad-Eye Moody isn't nearly as mutilated enough... and Seamus' left foot is smaller than the other... and where do I even START with Peeves?...


Yeah, I know.  I could hear the groans of a million fangirls as they took first glance at Prof. Lupin's hideously un-cute mustache and...giggle...werewolf comb-over.  Bleugh. 

Their pick for Krum, though...no complaints here. 
"Why must I be so swarthy, Bulgarian and ogleworthy?"
http://www.novinite.com/media/images/2005-03/46109.jpg

Oh, come off it.  No way the Ministry would appoint a former Death Eater. 

He's in disguise, CHILD-PRODUCING MACHINE! If Barty Crouch could go nine months right under Dumbledore's coroked nose without arousing suspicion until a dire situation arose, surely Regulus could... nah, you're right. What the Protean charm was I thinking?
I think there'll be something hidden in that caved-in secret passage way on the Marauder's Map. On J.K. Rowling's webpage she released three chapter headings a few months before publishing and one of them was 'Draco's Detour'. So I was so under the impression that Draco had cleared that tunnel and was gunna be doing something in there.

Ha! Can't wait to prove these morons wrong: Totally in denial

"Why must I be so four years out of high school?"
http://i4.photobucket.com/albums/y110/dragonangelfairy/FullKrum.jpg

(Yes, I'm a sucker for green screen.)

I think there'll be something hidden in that caved-in secret passage way on the Marauder's Map. On J.K. Rowling's webpage she released three chapter headings a few months before publishing and one of them was 'Draco's Detour'. So I was so under the impression that Draco had cleared that tunnel and was gunna be doing something in there.

"Why must I be so four years out of high school?"
http://i4.photobucket.com/albums/y110/dragonangelfairy/FullKrum.jpg

(Yes, I'm a sucker for green screen.)


Aren't we all...*drools*

Alright...the locket:  it is a horcrux, Voldemort planted the fake note there from R.A.B. to throw whoever found it off.  Harry realizes sometime in book 7 that he's had the last horcrux in his pocket the whole time.

...nah, Dumbledore's hand was all charred from handling the ring Horcrux (unless it was caused by him lifting Snape's Unbreakable Vow thingy) so I doubt the necklace wouldn't have a curse on it for protection, too.
(And I also like to think my Mundungus Fletcher-stole-it-form-Sirius'-house notion is better than anything Jeff can come up with. 
;)  Joking, joking...)

What I've been pondering about is if (what am I saying) BECAUSE Dumbledore staged his death... (which is why the portrait in the office is only dozing... as he didn't really die but was in a Juliet-like state of unconsciousness)... what will Harry's reaction be?
I think HARRY WILL KILL DUMBLEDORE in a maddened emotional rage for not being told the death was being staged, even though it was in his interest so as to use the element of surprise on Voldemort, as Harry tends to go off about such things.

...nah, Dumbledore's hand was all charred from handling the ring Horcrux (unless it was caused by him lifting Snape's Unbreakable Vow thingy) so I doubt the necklace wouldn't have a curse on it for protection, too.
(And I also like to think my Mundungus Fletcher-stole-it-form-Sirius'-house notion is better than anything Jeff can come up with. 
;)  Joking, joking...)

What I've been pondering about is if (what am I saying) BECAUSE Dumbledore staged his death... (which is why the portrait in the office is only dozing... as he didn't really die but was in a Juliet-like state of unconsciousness)... what will Harry's reaction be?
I think HARRY WILL KILL DUMBLEDORE in a maddened emotional rage for not being told the death was being staged, even though it was in his interest so as to use the element of surprise on Voldemort, as Harry tends to go off about such things.


But if there was a curse on the necklace like the ring, that would be a giveaway that it's a horcrux.  Voldemorts hope would be that with the note left, and a different locket, this locket would be forgotten/tossed away.  Or maybe there is a curse but it only kicks in if you try to destroy it.  Or maybe I'm full of it =)  Either way, I think this locket will have some significance in Book 7.

Snape's allegiance obviously won't be cut-and-dry...I'm still not sure who's side he's on.

Draco will be killed and have a ghost-wedding to Moaning Myrtle

Blimming heck, this took me HOOOOOOOOOOOOOURS to cull down, expectheaps of typos.
I think my parody was bigger than the original at 75000 words. *remenisces back to the good ol' days*

Hairy Potted and the Changer of Sequins

--CHAPTER ONE--

Once upon a time, a magical elephantorous lived on a hill. He died.

Not for the first time, a prisoner had broken out of his low-security cell. An argument had also broken out at the local lighthouse, current residence of the Parsley Orphanage For Unlucky Youth. Having been unable to swim back to land after Hairy and Haggis had stolen their canoe, the Parsleys had simply remained living for the past year in a lighthouse located in the middle of the town pool.

In order to rescue his luggage and flatulent pet parrot, Hairy had needed the assistance of a gas bomb he had purchased from e-bay, two hundred metres of dental floss and the assistance of a geriatric walrus on a bulldozer. The bulldozer was still parked out on the lawn. Hairy looked at it and thought 'yellow' before being brought back to reality by Ant Peculiar cuffing his head.

"He's frightened of the wallpaper! You know his feelings on sub-automatic artillery!"

The twenty-two other nameless orphans were on the ground ferreting about for dropped grain.
"Eat up, sweetums," cooed Ant Peculiar, dolloping a kilogram of mayonnaise onto Dullard's enormous plate. The tubby teenager's mouth opened as wide as a bucket and he manoeuvered his head across the table, gorging plate and all .

"Never went hungry when I was at Smellings!" Mr Parsley pronounced proudly, casting a reminiscent glance at a photograph on the wall showing a young Vermin sporting a large Afro and adorned in matching flares and orthodontic headgear.

Dullard's figure was so large that when he sat AROUND the table, he really... ate a lot.

"…Dogfarts." Answered Hairy. The effect of this simple sentence had a drastic effect. For, you see, the flutter of his tongue blew across the room, out past the window and across the ocean, resulting in a tornado in Japan, killing hundreds. Moreover, Unco Vermin had abruptly broke off from his tantric yoga exercises and was advancing towards Hairy like a rhino on heat.
"WHAT HAVE I SAID ABOUT USING THE 'DF' WORD IN OUR HOUSEHOLD?" he yelled furiously. Hairy blinked.
"What? Donkey Fuc-?" he began.
"YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN!" Mr Parsley bellowed.

Hairy Potted was not a normal boy. In fact, he was about as abnormal as it is possible to be… Hairy was a girl.

Hairy Potted had lived at the Parsley Orphanage For Unlucky Youth ever since he was a baby, as Nerd Vulvamork… oh, come on, you should know this all by now. I mean, are you really stupid enough to read the sequel before the first of the series?

Unco Vermin cleared his throat. This required a towel wrapped around a stick being shoved down his oesophagus.

"Dog gone!" he exclaimed, hosing off the canine guts and hair that were caking his legs with blood.

Hairy had always found his fort in the backyard as a place of solace, he had often retreated into it to brood ever since finding it on the side of the road during council clean-up week. Mr Parsley kept insisting that it was not somebody's rubbish left on the side of the road, but a bus shelter, but Hairy simply turned a deaf ear.

He tirelessly painted the garden, mulched the tool shed, pedicured the windows, mowed the swimming pool and re-chlorinated the lighthouse roof.

"Hodwog! Those newspapers aren't for reading!" scowled Hairy, elbow-deep in guano.

"What a loser!" Dullard said, a twisted smiled on his chubby face. Unco Vermin and Ant Peculiar grinned. The three then simultaneously chuckled. Their laughs got louder and developed into guffaws. Soon they were all cackling at Hairy at the top of their lungs, their hair dancing about merrily at his expense. Hairy crunched his dry noodles in withdrawn silence.

--CHAPTER TWO--

The front doorbell sounded the mating call of the polar bear.

Hodwog's heap of viscous ordure disappeared in a flash of carcinogenic radiation.

The tiny creature leapt onto Hairy and gave him a hug, secretly pinching his wallet.

Ant Peculiar could be heard above, coaxing the guests to join her in a game of Twister.

"Dodgy has never been told to sit in a fresh pile of crap... like an equal!" he sobbed.

Hairy frowned again. He felt like this was a highly frownable paragraph.

"Hairy Potted, you truly are a great wizard!" said Dodgy, his breast implants bobbing up and down in unison with his head.
"I'm not that good, I mean, Hormoany's much better at-" Hairy stopped. Having had been snubbed for the past few weeks, thinking about Hormoany was painful.
"And Rum can do-" Hairy stopped. Having had been snubbed for the past few weeks, thinking about Rum was painful. To take his mind off how his best two friends had been avoiding him, Hairy sat down on Hodwog's cage. He stopped. After such a long time with a soft buttocks, seating himself on the sharp tip of a wire cage was painful.

Hairy knelt down closer to hear. Hodwog rolled his cage along the floor to a better vantage point. Gavin popped up out of a sewage pipe and listened in, too.

"If Hairy Potted goes to Dogfarts... he will encounter sexual fetishes and excessive profanity among the incorporation of detailed gross bodily functions!" piped Dodgy, engaging in wanton troilism and coprophilia with two sapphic passers-by, whilst lactating from his bulbous breasts.

"Keep it down, Potted! You just ruined my politically-incorrect joke involving the World Trade Centre and Geri Halliwell!" Mr Parsley cuffed Hairy's head with a rubber duck and strode back upstairs.

"Have you been stealing my socks?!" Hairy roared. Dodgy raised an eyebrow.
"Erm, no... Dodgy has been stealing all the birch whips from your friends." said the house-imp. Hairy faltered.
"Oh, you know what I mean! Socks, letters… tom-ay-to, pot-ar-to!" Dodgy kept his eyebrow raised..

The margarine statue of Buddha was swiftly flung up to the very roof of the lighthouse, stuck to the ceiling upside-down in a pose of deep meditation.

The man looked from Hairy to Dodgy to Mrs Parsley on the floor with the deceased camel. His gaze slowly moved upwards to the giant Buddha above his head. At that precise moment, the suction holding the margarine to the ceiling gave in to gravity.

"Doe, a deer, a female Dear Hairy Potted,
We detected a 'Last Glob Of Margarine' Cleaning Charm at your residence precisely fourteen and a half seconds past eight twenty two. Wizard minors are forbidden to use  sorcery in the presence of Muffins at the risk of being forced to repeat the same old tricks for decades on end. (David Copperfield Muffin Decree, 1992, Section B: 'Siegfried and Roy.')
Yours since merely, Maffled Popsmirk.

Unco Vermin's face went from celadon to magenta to a mottled cerulean within a matter of seconds.

He leered maniacally at Hairy, a wild glint in his eye. Then he giggled. Then he chuckled. This slowly became a thunderous chortling of mirth as he dragged Hairy away.

Hairy found the following moments a blur of sprinting up stairs whilst dodging bullets from the SWAT team and helicopter circling around the building… all too soon Hairy found himself spread-eagled ontop of the lighthouse with thousands of silhouette people below, the freezing rain pelting his body as searing spotlights blazed over his body. The last words he heard were "HAIRY POTTED, THROW YOUR MISTEMPERED BATON TO THE GROUND!"
 
--CHAPTER THREE--

A gangly, orange-haired someone was smiling at him through a large hole in the glass.
"Yahoo Serious?!" blurted Hairy.

The guano pile exploded with a loud bang, splattering them all with white muck. Sheriff Raff coughed from the room next to Hairy's cell. Frig and Gorge lowered Hairy's suitcase into the van with a thump. In the next room, Sheriff Raff gave a grunt. Hairy followed Rum into the van and slammed the door. Sheriff Raff hiccuped, urinated, burped, farted, quoted the entire works of Shakespears and vomited up his dudoenum.

"See you next year!" called Hairy. The Weaklys didn't roar with laughter, as it wasn't at all funny.
"See you next year, ya f***ing pounce!" called Hairy. The Weaklys roared with laughter, for, as we all know, crude profanity is a satisfying substitute for actual wit.

And so they rode, beneath the ground.
They rode their Kombi, homeward bound.
With purple, green and psychedelic,
Tones of spray paint on the relic .
They drilled underneath roads and plains.
They drilled through almost all terrains.
The van ploughed earth like no tomorrow,
As they all headed for The Furrow.

Frig dodged a triceratops fossil and continued on towards the east.

Gorge lowered his voice to a whisper.
"Well, I overheard Dad and Mom talking about the Malformeds a while ago. Apparently, Drachma's father, Luscious, was a Breath Hater!" He flashed a torch under his face and began wailing "WOOOOOH!"

Mrs Weakly was at the door. She stormed up the path, scattering chickens and penguins as she went. For a short, plump woman, it was remarkable how much she looked like a Tunisian Crimson-Bellied Squid.

"Well, well, well." hissed Mrs Weakly in a deadly whisper.
"Well." gulped Frig.
"Well!" laughed Rum nervously.
"Well?" asked Hairy.

"YOU SHOULD TAKE A LEAF OUT OF PERKY'S BOOK!" screeched Mrs Weakly. "Why is there a leaf in his book?" asked Rum.

"Yeah, I bet Germy wouldn't mind being kidnapped and trapped down a giant hole in your cellar." s******ed Gavin, miming a poodle being pulled down into a pit.
"Who the hell are you?" asked Hairy. Gavin shrugged and exited stage left, toting his flippers and scuba-diving gear.

A Fabio-type man, inevitably bisexual and a posterchild of plastic-surgery, had his face smeared across the front cover. The animated image gave each of them a thumbs up, flashing his unblemished cuticles and strawberry nail polish.

Hairy's gnome closely resembled a cross-breed between a geriatric gopher with asthma and an ambitious giraffe.

The boys finished clearing out the gnomes contaminating the pool using bath foam, singing crude limericks and finally dropping in a hair dryer.

"This morning I wake up to see our Kombi van burst up from the asthenosphere! The one you secretly jinxed to have one of those spiralling-drills on the front that you only see lame cartoon villains driving!" roared Mrs Weakly. Mr Weakly had suddenly become intrigued by decaying butterfly carrion on the floor.

"Which Hairy Potted?" asked Mr Weakly, patting his orange, potted hair.
"Hairy Potted Hairy Potted." said Hairy Potted.
"Hello Hairy Potted!" said Mr Weakly as he patted Hairy Potted's hairy, potted hair.

"What are you doing in Germy's room?" Rum asked. Gavin shrugged in reply, munching from a large dodecahedron of ricotta cheese. Hairy and Rim slowly backed out and closed the door.

As they entered Rum's room, Hairy felt as though he had been shrunk by a bumbling nerd father and dropped into a blender full of oranges.

"Shut up!" the narrator replied, narrating the narrator's own self-narration.

Hairy looked around at the shabby wallpaper, poorly insulated walls, leaky floor, faulty heating system and the dented mattress he was to be sleeping on for another two weeks.
"Rum, this is the best house I've ever been in!" he said, grinning widely.
"Just behind Dogfarts, The Parsley Orphanage, Haggis' fallout shelter, the lighthouse broom closet, my bus shelter…"

The two stood moronically for the next thirty minutes, attempting to fill out the rest of the page by using elaborate 'P' words, such as: probabilistically, palaeoethnography, pteroylmonoglutamic, photoconductivity, piquancy, phosphorescence, pachycephalosaur, punctiliousness, phlegmatically, pasteurisation, parenchyma, Pteridospermaphyta,  passementerie, ponderously, pragmatically, pirozhki, pathologically, pycnodysostosis, psychotherapeutics, pedunculate, phaneromania, pulchritudinous, perambulation, perseveringly, phantasmagorical, pertinaciously, pestiferous, pfannkuchen, Phalacrocoracidae, pseudopsuedohypoparathyroidism, porphyritic, paediatrician, pseudohermaphroditic, paleencephalon, poikilothermous, pseudoantidisestablishmentarianism, pizzazz and pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicavolcanoconiosis.

--CHAPTER FOUR--

At the Parsley Orphanage, Hairy would spray on deodorant to rid himself of body odour for the next twelve minutes whereas at the Weaklys' house, an ecnhanted toilet-brush would yell out 'You smell like sheesh!' every time somebody passed.

Mrs Weakly force-fed Hairy fourths at breakfast, using a cheese grater, a funnel and a solution of nitric soda.

"Fascinating! I always wondered how Muffins did it without sorcery! So, you say they come in assorted colours and flavours..."

The Weakly's cheap Internet-refirgerator beeped.
"You is get mail!" it chirped in a warbled Pidgin-English, a series of Japanese symbols appearing on the screen.
"Ooh, we are get mail!" beamed Mrs Weakly.

Hairy read the message, not caring to lick his lips, adjust his monocles, smoke, call his secretary to hold any calls or hold the suspense of just reading the darn thing; as he would usually do to lengthen the paragraph.

"So, you're starting at Dogfarts this year?" Hairy asked Germy, who jumped nervously, spilling her bowl of Newt Loops.

Rum's Pooping Starch was also outstripped by butterflies, obese dung-beetles and wounded geriatric gophers with asthma.

"Now, you just grab a handful of this Floozy Chowder and download yourself through the net to your destination Internet refrigerator." said Mr Weakly, holding out a container to Rum, who inserted his hand, then gave a loud cry of disgust.
"Eugh! This isn't the Floozy Chowder container! It's a chamber pot!"

"Don't get Javascript on your shoes, it doesn't come off." added Germy.
"And stay away from pop-up advertisements!" said Mrs Weakly.

"Ardour, what did Hairy type as his destination?" she asked.
"I believe it was Sedish for 'kemp tephra mollusc unit'." replied Mr Weakly.
"I thought so." Mrs Weakly said.

Hairy proceeded to exit the sleazy store when he spotted a familiar face through the glass. Drachma Malformed and his father Luscious were about to enter, so Hairy swiftly concealed himself in a large barrel of see-through lingerie. The two peroxide-drenched  Malformeds strode through the door up to the front desk. Mr Malformed rang a bell, which sounded a germaid's orgasm.

Drachma was perusing a table of vampire lubricants.
"Touch nothing!" hissed Mr Malformed, as Drachma squirted the contents of a red tube onto his hand. He attempted to wipe it off, but it had stained his fingers blood-red, like his previous encounter with Hormoany Ginger in an empty classroom. (She had a bleeding nose, you sick pervert!)

Hairy pried a G-string from his ear to hear the conversation better.

"Well, Mr Malformed sir, surely the Minionstry wouldn't trouble non-Muslim families such as yourself in raids for terrorist-related pornography." said Mr Boring. Luscious Malformed's lips curled. He uncurled them with an iron.

"The Hand of Glukky caters for all of your onanistic carnal pleasures and is also very useful for those visiting Coles with deep pockets!" Mr Malformed sniffed derisively.
"I do not wish my son to become a common Brattoni!"

The three-eyed ogre behind the counter watched the Malformeds leave with a scowl.
"If the rumours are true, you've only sold me half your Weapons of Masturbation!"

The majority of stores in Nicotine Gully sold kinky leather whips, cheap goats and large barrels of water-based axle-grease.

Hairy's worst fears were confirmed when an immaculate priest stepped out from a nearby chapel.
"Good morning, young man." greeted the man warmly. "Are you lost? Come, I'll pay for a taxi to get you back home." said the priest genially. Hairy emitted a blood-curdling scream and started backing away. He knocked into someone behind him. It was a pulchritudinous gaggle of nuns.
"Oh, you poor lad! Come inside for cookies, milk and chocolate." they said. Hairy screamed and sprinted in the opposite direction. Dozens of cherubic people began leaning out of their shops with friendly, accommodating grins of reassurance.
"Would you like to stay in my luxurious mansion for the night?" said one.
"Here, I have a helicopter you could borrow!" said another. Hairy thumped into a wooden door, which opened as he hit the ground.
"Hello there! Would you like to meet my daughter, Sonja. She's a professional gymnast and can bend herself into aaany shape you want. She'll do aaanything for some parrot guano to feed her plants!"
"NOOO!!!" Hairy screeched, his heart pumping as he continued on.  

"What were you doing in there, Haggis?" Hiary enquired. Haggis quickly withdrew a bag of Flesh-Eating Sloth Repellent.
"I was just gettin' this. They're gobblin' up all o' the Dogfarts cabbages." he replied. Hairy blinked.
"But they're Flesh-Eating. Why would they eat cabbages?"

Hormoany ran down the steps, her long tongue flapping behind her. She jumped down the last flight of stairs, her skirt flying up to reveal she wasn't wearing knickers. (She was wearing bike shorts you filthy pervert!)

"We've never been allowed." said Gorge enviously.
"You've been aloud in everything you say." joked Germy. Haggis cuffed her head.

At the sight of Hormoany's Muffin parents, Mr Weakly's eyes lit up like a sadist in a massage parlour. Mr and Mrs Ginger were waiting in line to swapping their British currency for wizarding money.
"These slimy bastards will treat you like Jenny Craig." said Mr Weakly.
"How so?" asked Mrs Ginger.
"You'll certainly end up losing a few dozen pounds!"

The three Graafiandors squeezed their way into the bookstore, past the bustling assembly of celibate menopausal women.

Escapin from Lophart, they moved off to a secluded corner of the shop.
"Stunning performance, Potted!" rang a familiar voice. Hairy looked up and gasped. It wasn't Snoop, it wasn't Vulvamork, it wasn't even Haggis. It was Malformed.

After creating a new paragraph for no evident reason, Germy spoke out.
"Leave Hairy alone! He didn't know it was a hermaphrodite porno!"
"Oh look, Potted's got himself a girlfriend!" drawled Drachma nastily. Hairy grinned.
"Better than an inflatable crocodile with Hormoany's face pasted on!" he retorted. Malformed flushed, loosening his tie and looking about guiltily.

Mr Weakly flushed redder than a Jaffa in tomato sauce.  
"We have a different view of what disgraces the name of a wizard, Luscious," he hissed, lowering his voice. "Not flushing after you'd used a Port-a-loo at Witchstock, then not washing your hands afterwards!" Mr Malformed's face contorted with fury.
"How dare you repeat that in public!" he shouted. The two men leapt onto each other and started a furious thumb-wrestle. Haggis swiftly separated the two men, holding them at arms' length. Mr Malformed's cuticle was slightly mangled and Mr Weakly had a bruised metacarpophalangeal joint. Both men panted heavily, sweat trickling down their middle-aged heads. Luscious Malformed recovered his composure before spitting on the floor
"Fine! Take your textbook back, you stupid girl!" he said, tossing it towards Germy. It hit Hormoany.

Mr Weakly kept badgering the Gingers to explain the purpose of a bus stop.
"Well, now you mention it, someone stole ours a few weeks ago, for some odd reason involving a cubby house in the back yard…" said Mr Ginger.

Haggis was left to finish off several gallons of eggnog. (The chicken foetus in a bottle! You can feel the embryo melt in your mouth! Banned in two continents, ninety two countries and eight separate religions! Fried, not baked! The 'nog' stands for 'conceptus rejected after stem-cells have been removed, leaving the body to be ground up into this tepid, milky beverage!' It's cheap! Cheep cheep! Visit your local slaughterhouse now!)

After another nauseating journey through cyberspace, a very battered Hairy was spewed out of the Weakly's freezer compartment. His elbow was lodged into his groin and he had a sneaking suspicion that he was missing a shoe, along with the foot in it.

Mrs Weakly was bandaging the slits across her body from an encounter with a hacker. Rum was suffering concussion and all cranial orifices were oozing blood onto the floor. Germy was in a mild coma and the Siamese Weakly twins had been separated during the journey, both painstakingly stitching their torsos back to each other.

Floozy Chowder was definitely not Hairy Potted's favourite way to travel, but heck, it beat public transportation.

--CHAPTER FIVE--

The usual welcome that Hairy received from the Parsleys was a kick in the rear and a stale popsicle shaped like Richard Nixon.

It was soon time for a mug of hot chocolate and bed. (How the bed managed to fit into a mug with the hot chocolate is still unknown.)

"Ready?" asked Rum.
"YOU WISH." replied Hairy boldly, whipping his baton up to his face dramatically.
"…huh?" said Rum, eyeing Hairy suspiciously.
"Don't worry, I will be." replied Hairy boldly, his face half-cast in shadow.

"The parabolic nature of our decreasing velocity is scarily similar to that of the effects of gravity." noted Rum.
"Yes, indicating that Ralphing's Law of Fiction appears to have a slight flaw." said Hairy, reaching terminal height.

The two looked around for another entry point. Only a few items littered the floor: a coat hanger, some dental floss and a can of sarsaparilla.
"I've got it!" shouted Rum. "We tie the dental floss around the coat hanger and rig it to the carbonated soda can, then shake the can until the top pops off, sending the coat hanger up to the station like a makeshift grapnel hook!"

Hairy vibrated for a moment, his male genetics kicking in.
"Oh fine! Race you to the van!" he yelled, bowling over two geriatrics with his trolley as he sprinted away.

Hairy could hardly wait until they got back to Dogfarts... but he had to, so he did.
 
Rum jerked on a squash racquet suspended from the van roof, causing the Kombi to burst up through the soil. Clods of earth caked the large drill at the front.
"All that and a bag of tomato chips." said Hairy. Gavin secretly agreed.

Hairy could see Hormoany and Perverted Petal combing each other's hair. In the next carriage along, a metal pitchfork was brushing Nibble Lungbuttock's hair. Hairy slowly turned to face Rum.
"Um, how exactly are we seeing in through their windows if they're on a flying cow?" he asked. Rum slowly turned to face Hairy.
"And how am I able to properly steer if I'm looking at you?"

"Oh well, all we have to worry about now are low flying aeroplanes!" joked Rum. Hairy and Rum burst into laughter, then quickly veered out of the way of a jumbo jet.
"Next stop, Dogfarts Institute of Wizardry and Weird Plots!" yelled Rum excitedly.
"Shut up, Rum." spat Hairy.

"Aaargh! Get off the windscreen, Gavin!" yelled Rum. Gavin was heating his oxygen tanks and draining the fumes through his mouthpiece like a giant pressurised bong. The Kombi had dark fumes billowing out of the bonnet.
"Bloody hell!" cursed the van. "Haven't you bastards heard of second-hand smoke?"

"Watch out for that tree!" yelled George of the Jungle.

With an ear-splitting bang of metal on wood and flesh on upholstery, the van rammed into a large plant, slamming to the ground with an abrupt Jolt cola.

"Oh no!" grimaced Rum, looking in the rear-view mirror. "It's a Humping Sallow!" One long bough rhythmically slapped the boot of the can as grunts of pleasure emanated from the tree. Hairy retched into an ashtray. This was more disgusting than a security tape he had seen of a woman falling into a giraffe pen during mating season!

“Well, let’s make like a tree and… get the fudge out of here!”

The Sorting Hatch was dividing the newcomers into their fraternity houses. Germy was easily visible in the group, her orange hair rather obvious amongst all of the other students' shades of blue.

"Profaner Snoop isn't at the staff table!" said Rum.
"Maybe he's sick!" suggested Hairy.
"Maybe he's been fired!" added Rum.
"Or maybe he's waiting behind you to find out why you weren't on the Dogfarts Excess today." came a dark voice from behind them.
"Or maybe he's horribly disfigured from a poaching spill!" continued Hairy. Profaner Snoop coughed indignantly.
"Ahem. I just said that I was right behi-" he began.
"Maybe he finally did get gonorrheoa!" 

Profaner MuckGonadal wore a bright green zucchini-mask on her face and was listening to rap music when they entered her office.

"Where is this van that the Humping Sallow is bragging about to the rest of the flora? Something about a 'car jacking' and getting some 'pussy willow'."

Hairy's stomach clenched together.
"Sorry!" chirped Gavin, removing the vice from around Hairy's torso.

When Hairy had last sent a cyber-message using Hodwog, it had ended up reaching its destination via a detour of Peru, Uruguay, New Zealand and Mauritania.

The two ate alone in the Grate hall, as everyone else had left to go to bed, or else engage in glacier climbing.

--CHAPTER SIX--

Hormoany seemed about impressed with the boys' adventure as she was with the four-inch sausages at breakfast.

The Bawler exploded into flames, showering the room with confetti. A small pile of ashes was all that remained on the table, smoking calmly as an exposed golden ring with Elvish writing engraved along the edg- damn it! Wrong story again!

CLANG! CLANGCLANGCLANGCLANG!!! 
"Who dropped that pin?"

"That's the ticket!" beamed Lophart.
"What ticket?" asked Hairy, as Dildoroy dragged him away by the nipples.
"Hairy, Hairy!" sighed Lophart. Completely flummoxed, Hairy said nothing.
"Hairy, Hairy, Hairy," continued Lophart. "Hai-ry Hairy; Hairy Hairy Hairy? Hairy!"
"What?!" said Hairy, thoroughly irritated at the moronic man.
"Gave you a taste for fame, didn't I, Hairy? Gave you the bug!" Lophart said. Hairy yelped, brushing a large bug from his arm.

"Hairy, Hairy, Hairy." interrupted Lophart, now attempting a record for the most amount of times 'hairy' is said in a paragraph. "Try not to attract too much attention. People will think you're a bit arrogant!" He gave Hairy a hearty wink and ran off, yelling:
"Look at me! Look at me!" at a passing group of Ravercorks.

Justout Finch-Retching sidled over to their table and began yammering on about his entire life story without any apparent reason.
"My Muffin dad was a bit wary of me coming here, but after reading about Dildoroy Lophart, he's seen the benefits of magic. Boy, that Lophart is brave isn't he? I'd have been scared stiff if a taxation officer had me cornered in a toilet cubicle; but he remained calm and… POW!"

After the potting of the Mandrins was completed, Justout Finch-Retching accidentally potted Hairy.
"Whoops! Now I see why they call you Hairy Po-"
"Don't say it!" snapped Hairy.

After a quick meteor shower to wash off, the Graafiandors hurried along to Transmogrification class.

"What have we got next?" he asked Hormoany, passing her timetable over through a mouthful of chameleon patty. Rum looked over it.
"I see it's a double Deference against the Bleak Arts. But why…" began Rum.
"Why have you outlined all of Dildoroy Lophart's lessons with pink hearts?" Hormoany blushed and attempted to snatch back the schedule. Rum continued.
"Plus all of Flipwit's, Snoop's, Stout's, MuckGonadal's…"

Half of the surrounding students were tuning in to hear Hairy and Malformed fight, the others would simply watch highlights at six with Janine.

"ONE MORE TOE OUT OF LINE AND IT'S OFF TO THE PODIATRIST!"

Dildoroy Lophart swaggered up, hitching high his silk pantaloons.
"I'll do a cameo for you! Get Potter and I in the one scene and I'll work on the DVD commentary afterwards!" Malformed sidled off smirking as Colon Creamy filmed a panning long-shot of Rum’s nostrils for his opening credits.

Lophart posed at his desk, motioning to the smiling picture behind him. The two winked sleazily in perfect unison.

"I like cheese!" shouted Gavin, sucking a chunk of the matter it through his snorkel.

“…but let's not get side-tracked, I didn't end up getting breakfast from a banjee by posing nude for her!" joked Lophart moronically.
"He did with my auntie." Rum muttered to Hairy.

Question 1. Which of Dildoroy Lophart's nipples is larger?
Question 2. What colour underpants does Dildoroy Lophart wear?
The list continued for several pages, right up to:
Question 69. What position is Dildoroy Lophart most likely to make love in?

"Now, onto our lesson! You may meet your worst fears in this very room!" said Lophart.
"We already have." Hairy mumbled under his breath.

"Here we go again!" sang Hairy sardonically, a decrescendo chord playing comicallly in the background. The three protagonists stood placidly for a moment, looking about in anticipation. Hormoany coughed. Several seconds past. Hairy gave an audible sniff.
"Yes… here we GO… again…" he called, slightly louder than his previous effort.
Rum looked at his watch. Hormoany coughed again. There was a minute sound of footsteps in the background, gradually growing louder. Hairy held his finger to his ear, as if receiving news from an earpiece. He nodded to Hormoany and Rum, who took up their initial positions.
"Here we go again!!!" said Hairy sardonically.

"Wait, he left with unlocking the deadbolt!" exclaimed Hormoany.
"Oh sheesh! Come back! Here we go again! HERE! WE! GO! AGAIN!!!" screamed Hairy. Rum placed his hand solemnly on Hairy's shoulder.
"It's over, son,” he whispered. “It's over." At this, the three teens dropped to their knees and gyrated emotionally to the heavens.
"NOOOOOO!!!"

--CHAPTER SEVEN--

Hairy spent the day avoiding Dildoroy Lophart as much as he could, especially  whenever he saw the man positioned at the urinal.

Hairy groggily awoke, glancing at the clock… Six am. On a Maturday morning. This must have been illegal.

Colon Creamy was following, his camcorder swinging from a nipple piercing.
"How does Spinach work?" he queried, trotting to keep up with Hairy. Luckily enough, there was a user-friendly Spinach pamphlet hovering just infront of Hairy by some odd reason.
"Here, read this." said Hairy, handing the guide to Colon. "How fortunate! I mean, who would drag the reader through half a page re-explaining how Spinach works just to make the book seem larger?"

Frig was dozing merrily, his face resting on Angelwiener's breasts.

"Why couldn't you have told this to us when we were awake?" grumbled Cutie Smell, removing the comatose Gorge from her lap.

Hairy enviously eyed the urodele toast with lemming jam that they were munching.

"As I was saying, Mr Malformed has kindly donated state-of-the-art squeegees to our team."

Colon Creamy ran down from the stands clutching his video camera.
"Ooh, what happened? Can you cure him?" he slobbered. Rum's flatulent worms continued spurting out through the hole in his robes.
"Can I get a shot of this?" Colon asked, bobbing up and down as he set up an aerial shot.
"What sort of sick person would want to see footage of a deluge of worms shooting from Rum's ass?" Hairy shouted.
"This is the Internet Age!" retorted Colon.

"…if a word o' Lophart’s is true, I'll eat me hat!" said Haggis. Hairy did not doubt this at all.

“Why’d he call her a Cudblood?” asked Hairy. Haggis grunted gruffly.
"Well, some sorcerers reckon tha’ just cuz rural Muffins in New Zealand mate wit’ ruminants, tha’ sorcerers wit’ Muffin relatives mus’ have sheep DNA. Rubbish o’ course! Just cuz Malformed's lot never came across one in compromisin’ position…"

"I told Lophart yeh wouldn't need tha’ sorta publicity the begin wit'. Yer already more famous than him an' Belinda Cunnilinda put together."
"Who?" queried Rum. A stray worm shot out of the open window. Haggis faltered.
"Belinda Cunnilinda… yeh know? Wha’, don’ yez read Playwizard? …never mind.”

"A great fan of mine, judged my nude posing session... Fame is a freaking fickle friend from Finland... I stink therefore I ham…" Hairy ignored Lophart;s ramblings, scribbling a signature on an IUD for Ms Ginger.

--CHAPTER EIGHT--

"You cleaned out urinals… in a girls' toilet?" Hairy asked. Rum blinked.
"Yeah! That’s where they engrave the names of those who've won Special Crevices to the Institute." Hairy regurgitated into a gumboot.The combination of 'crevice' in relation to a urinal in a girls' toilet was best avoided.

"Well, your detention may seem bad, but do I have a story to tell you!" said Hairy.
Rum leapt up excitedly and seated himself at Hairy's feet.
"Is it Little Red Riding Hood? I like that story!"

The annual cold season had set over Dogfarts Institute of Wizardry and Weird Plots. Hairy continued wondering why the staff didn't use sorcery to keep the place warm, or at least cover up the gaping hole on the west-side wall of the castle, which exposed all of the classrooms to the elements.

The torrents of water had caused Haggis' grapefruits to grow very large indeed, as huge as... very huge grapefruits.

"Hello, Hairy, hello..." Merely Hoodless Dick replied absentmindedly. The spectre wore a splendid ghostly outfit, much like that which William Shakespeare would have worn, if he was alive now, and now was four hundred years ago.

"Dear Merely Hoodless Dick, We can only accept bluntmen whose 'hoods' have come off completely from their appendage. You will appreciate that it would otherwise be impossible for members to join in Jewish traditions and phallus collagen races. It is with great regret that I inform you that your penis does not fulfil our requirements."
Hairy’s eyes bulged and he took a large step back away from the Elizabethan spectre.
"You would expect," boomed Merely Hoodless Dick suddenly. “…that attempting to have your foreskin removed by a scalpel, a rusted hatchet and a guillotine would render it well and truly off, wouldn't you?" he bellowed to no-one in particular.

"You'd better get out of here, Hairy. Mr Belch isn't in such a good mood. The third years
accidentally splattered the dungeon ceiling with frog nipples and he's also pre-menstrual."

"Name: Hairy Potted. Crime:-" began Belch. Hairy intervened.
"It was only custard, cake and jelly" he appealed. Carefaker Belch scowled.
"Don't trifle with me boy! You’re in for more than a trifle punishment!”

Merely Hoodless Dick excitedly, glided through a wall, scaring the bajeezuz out of Hairy. Hairy quickly replaced his bajeezuz.

He watched Hairy on tenterhooks, later removing them from his shoulder blades.

"Well Hairy, I guess I'll make like a ghost and... get the fudge out of here!"

"Why would anyone want to celebrate the day of their death?" Rum spat, then cast a look at his calendar. "Whoopee! Only eight weeks until Easter!" he shouted excitedly. Hairy sighed heavily, having seen that sad joke coming from the editorial room. The narrator narrated another sigh and continued narrating the narrow narrative.

"I hope Groaning Girdle isn’t here… she’s haunts the girl's communal bathroom. Always leaves the showers turned on..." Rum and Hairy were off in a world of their own, envisioning pleasant scenarios that could occur in such communal girls' showers.

"You're making fun of my dental deformity" the ghost whined nasally. "Do you know what people called me when I was alive? Metal-mouth! Train-tracks! Orthopaedically-dependant-loser!" wailed Groaning Girdle. Peeves pelted her with a stale avocado.
"You forgot 'bucktoothed-pimply-fest-who-has-grotesque-metallic-oral-attachments’”

The leader of the ghostly troop stopped abruptly in front of the three Graafiandors, his foreskin flopping onto the floor with a splat. He saw the three students and feigned shock.
"Live ‘uns!" he cried, opening his mouth in surprise to reveal his foreskin tied arounhd his uvula. The audience of dead souls guffawed wildly.
“What’s that strange sound?” asked Hairy.
“I believe it’s know as ‘laughter’.” replied Hormoany.

"For once, I agree with Rum. Let's make like a trio of disgusted living souls and… get the fudge out of here!"

The red smudges spelt out jaggedly-written words with artistic drips, to make them seem foreboding and eeevil. Hormoany, Rum and Hairy slowly began to read the eeevil message.
THE CHANGER OF SEQUINS IS BACK, BACK AGAIN.

--CHAPTER NINE--

"You killed Mrs Notorious! When I get my hands on you, I'll take your temperature rectally with a pitchfork! " screeched Mr Belch.

After clearing a stack of Playwizard magazines from Lophart's table, Dumbodork lay the stiff Mrs Notorious on top of the desk and started prodding her. Tutting in a belittling tone, he strapped on a surgical mask and apron and snapped two spandex gloves over each hand.
"Scalpel!" he ordered. Madam Pomfret, dressed in full medical outfit, handed over the required utensil. Dumbodork began slicing away the cougar's chest cavity.
"Crowbar!" yelled the herdmuster, proceeding to pry open the ribcage. A line of blood spattered evenly across each of the onlookers' faces.
"Pneumatic drill! And I’ll need seven hundred ccs of benzocaine! Stat!" shouted Dumbodork melodramatically. Profaner MuckGonadal, with her witches' hat covered by cling wrap, handed over the medical implement whilst Profaner Flipwit jammed a syringe full of anaesthetic into the cougar's neck. Dumbodork began jackhammering away at Mrs Notorious' insides, flecks of sinew and gristle dotting across the room as blood-red goo overflowed from the torso of the cougar and oozed onto the floor in a dark puddle. A series of machines began beeping and whirring beside Hairy.
"We're losing her! Get me some defibrillators! Stat!" roared Dumbodork, using a circular saw to slice open the feline's armpits. The room was blotted with sprayed blood, a pool of red lymph staining Hairy’s ankles. Mr Belch sobbed heavily throughout the traumatic operation. Hairy couldn't help but feel pity towards him, especially since he would be the one responsible for having to mop up the emotionally-scarring gore from the room.

"Mrs Notorious is not dead!" stated Dumbodork. "This cougar has been Taxidermed." he continued. “Thus, I cannot see how Potted could have been involved…” Profaner Snoop stepped forward slovenly, the gloomy lighting metaphorically representing the minacious nature of the character, his accentuated horns, forked tail and pitchfork also implying his role as a source of evil and conflict.

"But your house is in the opposite direction!" cried Snoop. Rum didn’t miss a beat.
"Actually, as the Earth is a sphere, we WERE technically heading towards Graafiandor."
Hairy and Hormoany, who were expecting some moronic comment to further bury them in guilt, stopped mid-cuff at this ingenious remark. After a pause, they looked at each other and nodded in agreement, cuffing his head anyway.


"So… will Mrs Notorious be alright?" whimpered Belch meekly. Dumbodork chuckled sheepishly.
"Actually, she was just sleeping when we brought her in. Unfortunately, the internal damage from all of my power equipment has rendered her Taxidermed. A Restorative Flagon should take as long to prepare as is necessary for this bunch to unravel an over-elaborate and weird plot." Dumbodork said, motioning to Hairy, Hormoany, Rum and Gavin.

"Do you think I should have told Profaner Dumbodork about the dark, hoarse, eeevil voice that I heard?" Hairy asked.
"Definitely maybe not." replied Hormoany.

Hormoany and Rum shrugged to no-one. No-one shrugged back.

Hairy suddenly remembered something that had been niggling the back of his mind like a fluke worm in a camel's colon.

"Oh, I can't say it! I've been sworn to take it to the grave!" said Rum firmly. Hormoany bowed her head.
"To the grave." she repeated ceremoniously.

Carefaker Belch continually patrolled the site of the attack, as if the culprit was stupid enough to go back to the scene of the crime and prance around in a frilly pink hat.

The ominous words still glistened eerily, an omnipresent reminder of a sinister subplot brewing below the empyrean. (And they turned me down for a Pulitzer nomination!)

"Talking about the Queen Mother, she reached one hundred and one!" Rum said.
"Well, the good die young!" said Hairy.

Justout Finch-Retching caught sight of Hairy. He froze, turned around and fled in the opposite direction. Hairy sniffed his armpits, shrugged, then continued walking.

Hairy and Rum stared blankly at Hormoany, dribble carving a path down their chins in perfect synchronisation with an inflamed haemorrhoid.

Gavin continued sprinkling parmesan cheese down the half-binding of ‘Dogfarts: a Misery’ and daubed streaks of Gouda down the spine.

The fascist librarian used an economy-sized bulldozer to empty the library.

A bony hand, caked with rotting flesh, burst out suddenly from the earthy soil. The class' undead educator, Profaner Banns, clambered out of the damp earth and stood next to his desk. The students dry retched from the sour stench that wafted from Profaner Banns' rank chassis. Hairy cringed at the sight of a maggot infestation gnawing away at a crusty layer of the zombie's scalp. Worms would occasionally protrude from his green epidermis as he talked.

Profaner Banns looked shocked from the interruption, possibly because Hormoany’s raised hand had lifted up her sleeve to reveal she wasn't wearing a bra. (She was wearing a tank top, you dirty pervert!) A lone chunk of gristle dropped from the Profaner's arm and landed on the floor with a splat.
"Let's see, how about… no! The Changer of Sequins is a legend! Made-up! A fairy tale! Fictional! A crock of sh-" Hormoany cut off Profaner Banns.
"But don't all fancible myths have an element of truth?" she blurted. Profaner Banns blinked, then checked the table of elements. He found the element of truth along the top column and was forced to continue.

An image was projected up onto the wall in a fashion quite unorthodox to Venezuelans.

"As you know, Dogfarts was founded over one thousand years ago by four founders: Gothic Graafiandor, Helmet Hecklepuck, Ribena Ravercork and Saladbar Silvery. They constructed the castle far from prying Muffin eyes and the IRS. This was due to the fact that sorcery was commonly persecuted during the era… and to avoid witch tax."

Profaner Banns paused again, cast again a look over the again engrossed students and continued again. The image on the wall portrayed a teary-eyed class farewelling Saladbar Silvery as he exited the Dogfarts gates, toting a knapsack of mediaeval kimonos over his shoulder. Profaner Banns plucked a maggot from his eyeball and tossed it away.
"Reliable sources provide us with this much information. Unfortunately, this story has been distorted by the fanciful legend of the Changer of Sequins. It was well known that Saladbar Silvery was a transvestite. He supposedly built a secret room to change into his sequinned dresses at night and perfect his pedicures in peace."

Hairy gasped along with the rest of the class as a photograph of an immense chamber was projected infront of them. The room seemed to be perfectly carved out of marble, with utterly adorable furnishings to create a feng-shui with the delicious carpet/wallpaper colour co-ordination.

"There is no proof that Silvery so much as built a secret closet, only that he came out of it! Provide me one solid, verifiable item of evidence!" barked Profaner Banns. The class seated themselves one by one, leaving Hairy standing on his own with a furrowed brow.
"Well, sir… your slide show contained images of not only Silvery's hair, but the changing room itself. You are actually the one with the hard copies of evidence."
Hairy clicked the red button, projecting the offending photographs onto the wall.
"See, they've even been dated about fifty years ago and verified by officials and everything." said Hairy, pointing out the official procedures that had been administered to the documentation of Silvery's hair. Profaner Banns stood frozen on the spot, vibrating dangerously. Foetid pieces of dead tissue and strips of rotten organs littered the floor. Profaner Banns quickly plucked the miniature photographs from the magic lantern and dropped them into his mouth. The objects fell down through a gaping hole in his gut and clattered to the floor. This technique having proved a failure, Profaner Banns proceeded to bash the photographs with his ulna bone until they were powder. 
"There!" he panted, the silenced students looking on tentatively.
"Not a single scrap of evidence!”


The class fell back into its habitual lethargy as Profaner Banns began reciting Sorcery Regulations and their relevance to the distorted growth of fungi in Ghana.

As if to verify this suspicion, Gavin suddenly appeared, joigging around the room in his flippers; a black Jewish midget transvestite with a smelling disability was being dragged behind him on a string.

--CHAPTER TEN--

An enchanted Pez dispenser woke up the class with a shrill wailing that closely resembled a throttled hyena.

Hairy remembered the occurrence like it was just 400 days ago.
)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((
)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((
)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((
(It's supposed to be one of those rippling flashback effects. Trust me, it looks good when you're drunk and standing on your head with 3-D glasses on.)

"Hey, look at this!" cried Hormoany, pointing to a nearby window. A line of pubic lice was crawling through a hole in the pane, carrying their possessions in a backpack made out of tightly woven human pubes.

After persuading the two boys to enter with a carrot on a string, Hormoany checked to make sure no-one was looking and followed suit. The suit disapproved.

"Hang on! This is where Groaning Girdle lives!" said Hormoany. “Let’s ask her if she saw anything… on that fateful night…" The three went up to the last shower and pulled back the curtain. Perverted Petal screamed and slapped Hairy across the face. Hormoany apologised and hastily closed the curtain again.
"Why wasn't she showering with the water turned on?" asked Rum.
"Shut it." Hairy hissed through clenched teeth. "If we kept questioning the circumstances of everything that happens in this inane book, we'd never see any nude girls!"

Groaning Girdle's mouth opened in an angry croissant-like shape, though croissants are rarely filled with enough steel to deflect a bullet.

At this, she furiously shot down a toilet behind them, drenching them with toilet water.
"I wish she'd have flushed first." grimaced Rum.

Hairy and Hormoany looked at each other and mouthed 'gorringe' for no apparent reason.

Rum's baton started spitting balls of toothpaste onto Hormoany, giving her Afro a minty freshness.

"Let’s think… who views all non-pure-bloods as filth?" replied Rum sarcastically.
"What? Pauline Hanson?" blurted Hairy.

"Come on, Rum. Even you should have a better vocabulary than that!" guffawed Hairy. Rum flicked the tip of his magical baton.
"You try… speak… word with… stick magic stuck… upwards brain." stuttered Rum in reply. Hormoany interrupted his cerebral malfunctioning.
"I'm sure we can find the Pollywog Poaching in the restricted section. All we need is a signature from a Profaner." she said. Rum thought for a moment.
"Who teacher be… not smart… to… signature us library?"

"Sorry I'm late, class. There was a particularly intriguing fungus growth on the wall."
"Profaner Lophart is… not smart… for we to… advantage him!" Rum said cruelly, caressing his hands together like an evil schemer.

Hairy wished to grab a nearby hatrack and impale Lophart through it like a kebab.

"Profaner Lophart, we need to borrow a restricted book-on-tape from the Dogfarts library. It would really help us understand the intricacies of the tropical ivy you used as toilet paper for your duration in Guatemala."

"And Potted, if you need any Spinach tips, I'm always willing to aid the less able!" Lophart added with a hearty wink.
"Who? Coma patients?" said Rum.

Madam Pfalz had a small Hitler moustache and numerous swastikas blazoning her Brown Shirt.
"Vot iz you effter?" she barked. Hairy swallowed nervously.
"We need to borrow Most Impotent Poachings. Hormoany has our signed permission note here." he stammered. Madam Pfalz scrutinised the note.
"Ziss appears to be in order! Vait here!" she ordered, goose-stepping into the restricted section of the athenaeum. Once she had returned, she paused to check that they were free of any hexagrams, before handing over the book.
"If zere are any penzil marks along zee margins ven zis iz returned, Mein Fuhrer vill be eenformed!" hissed Madam Pfalz. Hormoany, Rum and Hairy nodded meekly.
"Shall we go, then?" Rum asked.
"VEE VILL ASK ZEE QUESTIONS!" screeched Madam Pfalz.The three students scampered off, leaving Madam Pfalz to strip raw pink flesh from a dead rabbit, a trickle of blood crawling down her chin.
"Heil!" she chanted, elevating her baton arm. Somewhere in New York, a Jewish boy's head exploded.

"Guys, have I ever been wrong before?" scowled Hormoany. Hairy and Rum rummaged through their pitiful memories.
"Well," began Hairy. "There was that time involving the… oh wait, that was Rum."
he trailed off.
"Hang on, remember that embroidery competition… oh wait, that was me." said Rum.

--CHAPTER ELEVEN--

Oldliver opened his mouth to say something, realised that he was Irish, then closed it.

The Graafiandors filed out onto the Spinach pitch. Hairy was so caught up with emotion that he didn't hear the roar of the crowd. As he mounted his vacuum cleaner, he didn't even hear the foghorn blow to start the game. He then realised it was two in the morning and the game wasn't starting for another eight hours.

They hurried back to bed, muttering about equestrians.

The Silvery players were away faster than you can say 'polytetrafluoroethylene' fourteen thousand and forty one times.

The sound of a mediocre vagabond sounded from the foghorn to end the game.

Hairy awoke with a start in the middle of the night. There was somebody dabbing his forehead with a wet shoe.

He grabbed Dodgy by the collar.
"So you were the one who cursed my quill to write in Hindu!" Dodgy raised an eyebrow.
"Erm, no... Dodgy has just been trying to seriously maim you." replied the house-imp. Hairy faltered.
"Oh, you know what I mean! If a rose was called by any other name, wouldn't it still be worth two in the bush?"

Dodgy twisted off his own arm at the elbow and began flogging himself with the bloody stump.

"Sir, all house-imps wear onion sacks to make them unattractive to hot chicks, as being given skimpy lingerie would free Dodgy from his enchantments of enslavement."

Dumbodork picked up the video camera and opened it up. Hairy, three beds away, smelt the acrid smell of Madam Pomfret passing wind.

Profaner MuckGonadal and Madam Pomfret moved in closer to hear and the colliding of their heads secretly pleased Hairy.

--CHAPTER TWELVE--

Hairy magically went from great agony during lesson time on Friday, to a complete recovery for the weekend.

Panting from a ravaging obesity that has been acquired by many of today's youth, he swung open the locker room door. Perverted Petal screamed and slapped Hairy across face, storming out with a towel wrapped around her.

Holidays were approaching and nearly everybody had got their ear tagged to be released for vacation, except for Malformed, Crappe and Goitre. Hormoany, Hairy and Rum found this very suspicious. Why would the three students be staying behind when everyone else was leaving? Well, clearly the question could have been directed back at them.

Snoop held up the cauldron, revealing Hairy's footprint plainly stamped on the side.
"If I ever find out who did this, they'll be taking a detention with the Humping Sallow!" he roared darkly. Hairy thanked the author for being untalented enough to adapt the Cinderella method of holding up each student's shoe to match to the tread.

Rum and Hairy ground-up the final ingredients of the Pollywog Poaching using three wolverines, a winnowing sieve and a strickened adjective.

Hormoany grimaced as she used a mop to clean Rum's semi-masticated dinner from her face.
"Let's think, Rum. It's a fresh, new idea, which means it comes from…"
"An old fashioned fogie!" ejaculated Rum. Hormoany grabbed the mop again, swabbing the results of Rum's 'ejaculation' from her face.

The demonic Profaner Snoop was wearing a billowing puce tutu, reminding Hairy of a menstruating fruit-bat.

Dildoroy Lophart leapt up onto the raised platform and hushed the crowd with a swivelling of the hips.

Profaner Lophart bowed to Profaner Snoop, who replied by flipping him the bird. The two men took the stances of a fencer and a flatulent praying mantis.

"I introduce Martha Stewart!" yelled Lophart enthusiastically. The eagerness of all the pupils dropped in an instant as the woman walked onto the stage.
"I think I'm seeing double." Hairy murmured out of the corner of his mouth to Rum, as Dildoroy Lophart sidled up alongside the guest, the two grinning moronically.
“Let's get to it!" chirped Marther Stuwart, her hallmark grin returning within milliseconds of her lips ceasing to move. A laugh track sounded from somewhere.

"Now, this device is called a ‘whisk’." she continued. Every female member in the audience rolled their eyes, having had mastered the skill at age four. Every male member of the audience looked on attentively, scribbling notes.

"Either make a skilly or loblolly gruel, simply vary your liquified asp droppings accordingly. Then, once it's thoroughly mixed, pop the mixture in your ear…" Martha Stewart trailed off as she funnelled the oatmeal slop down her aural cavity.
"Mix thoroughly…" she added, before tearing off her head and violently booting it across the stage. "And you're done!" she said, as her body poured the porridge-like substance out through her nostrils.

"Expelyouranus!" bellowed Snoop, shooting Lophart into the ceiling. Profaner Lophart's baton spiralled off towards the window. It hit Hormoany.

Malformed was grinning deviously from nose to eyebrow.

"Now, Potted, when Master Malformed performs his incantation, just do this." Lophart swirled his baton in an array of directions. The rod spun out of his hand and cartwheeled towards Perverted Petal. It hit Hormoany.

Several nearby Ravercorks whispered fervently as they case Hairy a queer look, though this may have been due to a purple hippopotamus on his head.

"Hairy. This is bad. This is very bad!" said Rum shakily.
"What?" asked Hairy, completely nonplussed.
"Didn't you watch todays episode of The Bold and the Beautiful? Alaska’s gone and had a skin bleaching to elope with South Carolina in order to blackmail Nebraska's boyfriend over her ex-husband's illegitimate son!" said Rum frantically.

"You should worry about being an Arselmouth, Hairy. It'll start... rumors." said Rum.
"Yes, people may raise certain… accusations." added Hormoany.
"Why are you pausing dramatically to end each... sentence?" asked… Hairy. The narrator... sighed.

Rum slid an ostrich omelette through the slit between his baton and mouth palette.

Hairy's heart sunk. (Ooh, I can get a pun out of this one. Hang on… word association, word association… heart… sunk… sunken heart… heartship? No no… heart… ticker… ticking… time! And sunk… underwater… the aphotic zone! *ahem* Hairy's heart sunk… WHAT A TIME ZONE!
Off in the distance, giraffes chirped into the silence.

"Let's leave it for now, to gnaw away in subplot for a while." instructed Hormoany.

"What-what do you want?" asked Bernie. Hairy adopted an air of casual chatter.
"Oh, I just wanted to see Justout Finch-Retching." he announced. The Hecklepucks gasped, their worst fears finalised… for the television screen behind Hairy showed that Hawaii, Amber's adopted father, had indeed been murdered by Arkansas's disowned grandparents after having their sex change under Dr Los Angeles.

Hairy continued marching down the corridor furiously until her bumped into a walking flamingo carcass. He then realised that Haggis was carrying it.

"Caught in the act!" yelled Bernie Macmullian, pointing accusingly at Hairy.
"It's actually a different Act, we're in Scene One." retorted Hairy.

Dumbodork disappeared down a secret passage, possibly to India.

"Sheesh, what's up your ass?" said the Sorting Hatch.
"Oh, a shovel!" Hairy piped, quickly withdrawing the offending article.

A wretched bird was hooked up to a dialysis machine, an iron lung and an electroencephalograph. Feathers littered the floor. Hairy took a step back from the morbid smell wafting from a colostomy bag. Without warning, the cardiograph flatlined and the orange bird emitted a shrill shriek. With a deafening explosion, it burst apart with the force of a deodorant can in a microwave. Blood and gore splattered the room. As a last remnant of bird innards landed with a splat on the floor, Dumbodork returned.
He stopped in a dark puddle of ruptured spleen.

Haggis swung the flamingos energetically as he argued, knocking over an several invaluable Ming-dynasty-era vases.

"I expect better from you, Hairy,” said Dumbodork. “You parents didn't choose tuition at Dogfarts as their life insurance policy so that you could learn sorcery. They wished for you to be placed in an environment so crude that it would prepare you for the real world."
Hairy sat up in his seat.
"What do you mean, 'the real world'?" asked Hairy. Profaner Dumbodork leant back in his chair and yawned.
"Never mind, we have no need for any of their influences!" 

"It's ready." Hormoany whispered.
"What? My hair?" asked Rum.
"No, you fudgewit! Not reddy: ready! The Pollywog Poaching!"

They passed Gavin, who was teaching worms how to scuba-dive in septic tanks with a mouth-full of cheddar.

His Defect badge now read ‘Reject’. It was also up to chapter books.

They hurried to Groaning Girdle's locker room, ducking Perverted Petal’s fist.

The liquid bubbled happily on a fire, turning the colour of a eunuch’s scrotum.

"I have their DNA in these... ribbed, flavoured balloons." Hormoany announced.

"That sounds like something Hormoany would say." joked Hairy/Crappe. Rum/Goitre cuffed the back of his head, paused, then cuffed him again.

“Hurry up, you two! I have something to show you!" Malformed rapped. Rum/Goitre and Hairy/Crappe followed Drachma/Drachma down the hall.

Hairy looked to Rum who looked to Drachma who looked to Gavin.

Hairy put on a fake laugh, something he was becoming an expert at from all of the lame jokes he was bombarded with in this sad, sad novel.

"Father probably won't tell me all the details as we have to lay low while the Minionstry inspects our mansion. Lucky we keep all of our valuable terrorist weapons hidden inside a baby carcass that my mother cut open and then sewed back together." said Malformed.
"Ho!" blurted Rum/Goitre. Malformed frowned.
"What did you call my mum?" he snapped.

Groaning Girdle drifted out of the freezer compartment with a metallic grin. Her spectral orthodontics housed various unknown substances in the cage-like hooks.
"Come and see the androgynous girl, only eight ninety-five!" Groaning Girdle exclaimed, every 's' sounding phoneme being accentuated by a bubbling of saliva. 

"Wait 'til everyone finds out you've got testicles!"

--CHAPTER THIRTEEN--

Some suggested that Hormoany had digested one of Militant Bulltoad's slippers, with the accumulated fungal growth reacting with her high mestranol levels to create a testosterone surrogate.

Perves hurried past, pelting Germy Weakly with worms wearing tiny scuba diving gear.

"Why," asked Rum. "Have you got a 'Get Well' card from Dildoroy Lophart under your pillow… along with one from Flipwit, Snoop, Stout, MuckGonadal…?”

Hairy strode up to the last cubicle to find the contents of the toilet sprayed up the walls.
"These shoes are so gone once we're out of here." grimaced Rum.

"I was just sitting in the U-bend admiring the view when someone thought it would be funny to dump a gelatin puddle of diarrhoea on my head!" roared Groaning Girdle, a thin strip of celery that had caught in her braces flapped with every syllable.

"Can I take this foetid, jelly-like disc of human dysentery with me?" asked Hairy.  Groaning Girdle sniffed haughtily and turned up her nose.
"If I had a Gallow for every time I've heard that one…"


Hairy fiddled with the secreted diarrhoea in the Graafiandor cummin room, but was unable to uncover any extra writing. Gavin and Hormoany were fiddling with something else. (Their violas, you perverted pervert!) 

"Thank you, narrator!" Rum replied. (At least, it sounded like 'thank'…)

The postal parrots had been force-fed coloured dye with the use of a dictionary so that their droppings decorated the tables with pink, triangle-shaped splatterings.

"Why, already I have received four Coming-Out cards!" hollered Lophart cheerily. Hairy noticed Hormoany, Crappe and Boil sink low in their seats. Up on the staff table, Dumbodork’s head also slid out of view.

"While we're all in a gay state of mind, why not ask Profaner Flipwit for the Nipntuck Charm? And I'm sure Profaner Snoop will happily provide you with a Watered Wejussdo poaching."

The rest of the lesson was interrupted by fairy fairies delivering Queen ‘n’ Dyke notes. Strangely, only one was for a member of Dutch royalty.

"Hith thkin ith ath pink ath an apricot mink,
Hih hair ith ath hoarthe ath cheap glue.
Hith 'L' shaped thcab is jutht totally fab;
Get a Nipntuck and I'll have you."

Gavin began singing about different Mongolian cheeses.

Rum was sound asleep, his head resting against the dozing Hormoany. Hairy mischievously unwound a few feet of Hormoany's enormous tongue and began feeding it into Rum's mouth, then used Colon Creamy’s camera to record the priceless moment before returning the two to their original positions.

Punching Hodwog in the gut, Hairy collected a bowlful of parrot guano and plucked a feather from the bird's behind. Hodwog squawked indignantly.
"Thanks, Hodwog!" chirped Hairy. He dipped the feather into the vile vial of excreta and held it above the secreted diarrhoea. A drop of white crap quivered at the end, like a raindrop glistening from the tip of a leaf on the serene backdrop of a summer day, before splattering messily onto the solid puddle. It sat there, like a student at his desk, before disappearing.

‘My name is Hairy Potted’ he wrote, before the words were sucked into the solidified diarrhoea like an encounter with Hormoany. (After a snake bite, you disgraceful pervert!)

He was swallowed up by the swirling vortex of diarrhoea. (Find THAT in Shakespeare!)

Screaming in terror, Hairy performed a triple-flip to a straddle-pike landing.

"My mother died during childbirth. They say she lived long enough to name me. 'Dumbass' after my father, and ‘Kept Heed’ as my middle name, as she sensed that I was an eeevil baby."

"I'm sorry,” said Profaner Dipsheesh solemnly. “But with Silvery's hair-bearing heir scaring pairs of hares and tearing up mares in his lair down there, it isn't fair to keep students in fear, you hear?"

"But what if I found the Changer of Sequins?" blurted Ritalin. Profaner Dipsheesh leant in towards Ritalin, ramming ans ear-trumpet deep into his aural cavity.
"What was that? You want to find hounds endangered by sequels?"
The herdmaster’s face suddenly stiffened with comprehension as he repeated these words to himself under his breath.
"Are you saying you know something about Silvery’s hidden chamber?"

Guessing that he could probably act like a ghost in Ritalin’s memory, Hairy attemped to walk through a nearby wall. Moments later, Hairy was clutching a bloody nose.

After an hour of tedious waiting, Ritalin finally worked out the calculus problems on the blackboard and proceeded on.

Without warning, a gigantic pubic louse burst out and scuttled past Hairy. Dumbass Ritalin threw a chunk of concrete after the monster. It hit Hormoany.

A rippling of light began tearing through the space/time continuum behind Hairy. He stretched out his hand in slow-motion.
"GAAANNNDDDAAALLLFFF!!!" he screamed. The narrator coughed.
"Oh, right… HAAAGGGGGGIIISSS!!!"

--CHAPTER FOURTEEN--

"Are you sure it was Haggis?" asked Hormoany. Hairy rolled his eyes.
"How many fat Scotsmen do we know with an obsession for huge animals?" Just then, Chubby McFinn ran past on his trek to capture Loch Ness.

A dog was squashed flat beneath him.
"It's a dog's life!" joked Nibble, before cuffing himself over the back of the head.

Hairy gasped out loud. It was horrible… his bed was made, his books were alphabetically ordered on his desk and the bastard had neatly aligned all of his clothing in a spectrum.
"NOOOO!" Hairy cried to the heavens.

"Well, it has to have been a girl." commented Hairy. Rum nodded in agreement as his female sibling Germy walked past.
"Yeah, no boy could tidy a room like that… and they have orange hair." said Rum, holding up the strand of incriminating evidence from Hairy’s floor. Germy walked past them again, combing her orange hair and folding up her ironing.
"And they'd have to be in Graafiandor." Hairy added. Germy walked past once more, smoothing out her Graafiandor tutu. Rum suddenly sat up.
"GERMY!" he shouted triumphantly. Germy turned quickly at the mention of her name.
"Y-yes?" she stuttered nervously. Rum stormed over to her aggressively.
"Germy… do YOU know any orange-headed Graafiandor girls who have been acting suspiciously?"

"Thank god Philadelphia made at up with Amber Jr the third, her doppelganger's reincarnated spirit, before murdering Wisconsin found out about the triple homicide!"
Hairy and Rum stared silently at the motionless Hormoany. Behind them, Madam Pomfret was calling a time of death and slowly pulling a white sheet over the mutilated face of the caped Assisting Capybara.

Students were no longer allowed out at night time, were to hold hands between lessons and sleep with a night-light on.

Haggis opened the door, toting a warhammer. His pet dog Frang struggled at his lead armed with a sub-automatic machine gun.

Rum sank his teeth into a scone, retched and hastily returned it to Frang's kitty litter box.

The Minionster o’ Magic extinguished his cigar on Frang's head, then looped his violin case around his elbows, flung it up and caught it behind his back. Just then, another knock sounded on the door. It wasn't Snoop, it wasn't Vulvamork, it wasn't even Haggis. It was Malformed, Luscious Malformed.

"Yez can' get rid o' Bulbous Dumbodork! Tha'll mean the author will 'ave the go out o' his usual plot formula and actually think o’ somethin' creative fer once!"

"What has he done to deserve such disrespect?" Fridge snapped.
"Should I start alphabetically or in chronological order?" Mr Malformed replied wittily.
"Alphabetically." replied Fridge. Luscious Malformed faltered for a few moments.
"Ermr… well, nothing, really. Just make like a fired herdmuster and… fudge off!"

"I like cheese!" added Gavin.
“Right! I warned you!” shouted Rum. He leapt up into the air and remained hovering in a menacing pose as the camera angle rotated around him 270 degrees. As Ralphing's Law of Fiction wore off, Rum let fly with a powerful kick to Gavin's chest, the snorkeling dork cartwheeling backwards into a wall, like a… gee, I don't know what like…

"Hmm…" mumbled Rum.
"Hmm…" mumbled Hairy, a little higher and louder. Rum frowned.
"HMM…" he mumbled clamorously.
"HMM!!!" replied Hairy, even more obstreperously.
"HMMM!!!" Rum roared into the back of his throat.
"HMMMMMMNNNNNNGGGFFFTTTTTRRRMMMMMM!!!!!" bellowed Hairy.
"… … …fudge you!" snapped Rum.

The two regained their previous thinking poses. They pondered the situation a bit longer.
"Should we leave now?" asked Rum. Hairy blinked.
"…yeah."

--CHAPTER FIFTEEN--

Hairy wondered how a portly middle-aged nurse brandishing a rectal-thermometer was supposed to thwart Silvery's monster.

“Today you shall poach a weight-loss concoction for our dear janitor Haggis, who is currently too fat to fit inside any cells at Afghaniztan.”

Malformed sucked-up to Profaner Snoop like a Hoover with a lollipop. Profaner Snoop couldn't suppress a wicked smile, or a flatulent expulsion.

The plants had already engraved obscene tattoos into their pulps and swapped bodily-function-interrupting piercings.

Hairy suddenly beat Rum over the head with a shovel.
"Ow, what was that for?" Rum cried, then stopped and looked to where Hairy was pointing. Gavin was waving a large yellow flag with an arrow on it which pointed to a line of pubic lice that were scuttling into the Forbidding Forest.

"The Minionstry wouldn't have taken away Rubicund Haggis unless they were certain he was behind it all!" said Lophart, as if explaining one and point-nine-repeater was two.

Hairy wolfed down green eggs and ham for dinner.

Rum poured some magical petrol over a magical taper and lit it with magical matches.

Adelgids of all magnitudes congregated around them, from the size of marbles to... gigantic marbles.

"Haggis is in trouble." continued Hairy nervously, wondering if Rum had a few hundred  cans of Vagiclean handy.

"Now that fresh meat has wandered here on its own accord…" Adelgid licked his pincers as the pubic lice began closing in.
"Actually, we were forecfully carried here." retorted Hairy. Adelgid faltered.
"Oh… well… screw you, we're hungry!"

"See you guys later, I have a date with a star-nosed mole!" shouted the van.

Rum was being violently sick in Haggis’ grapefruit patch, before being dramatically sick and comedically sick.

Hairy realised that whatever Silvery's monster was, it was feared by all the animal kingdom just like the Bleak Nerd was to sorcerers… the name of Silvery's beast was a taboo, euphemised out of fear just as Vulvamork’s name was… or perhaps Hairy was just reading too deeply into this shallow novel.

Pussy Weakly had mastered the art of growing his ear-hairs to grab his baton from the bedside table. He jinxed off the ropes that bound him to his bed, then swung up to the sick bay using brachiation of the ear lobes. After several weeks of anorexia treatment from Madam Pooch, he was back to normal health and his vocal chords were as strong as ever.

--CHAPTER SIXTEEN--

Unfortunately, Rum's baton still hadn't shifted from his skull, shooting beach towels out of his mouth whenever he squinted.

Rum sneezed, causing a random Canadian to catch on fire. Hairy began stuffing Rum's nostrils with cotton balls.
"It's either this or explain to MTV why Avril Latrine spontaneously combusted during the filming of her video-clip 'I H8 2 B N XTC 4 U’."

Amenorrhean quadriplegics.

"Your associates will return shortly." said MuckGonadal. The room broke into fits of giggles at the sound of the word 'ass'.
"Silence, class!" she rapped. The class roared with laughter.
"Stop that crassness or I'll assassinate you all!" Students pounded the carpet with mirth.
"Oh, fudge it! Piss off to lunch, you little (I_am_a_loser_who_has_no_respect_for_women)s!"

"Do you have to go that bad?" joked Gavin.
"Yes." replied Hairy.
"Oh..." said Gavin. He stood placidly for a few seconds, then ate a piece of cheese.

"I'm sick of people always addressing Hairy first! Why don't you ever say 'Master Weakly, Master Potted', instead of always putting the famous Hairy Potted in front?" roared Rum. Profaner MuckGonadal was taken back.
"Err… well, it's alphabetical, I suppose… Potted comes before Weakly…"
"Why not base it on first names?" he spat. Profaner MuckGonadal blinked.
"Hairy still comes before Rum alphabetically." Rum broke into a grin.
"Great! Well, I'm glad that I managed to prolong those awkward first moments that Hairy has to think of a decent alibi. What did you come up with?"

As Rum and Hairy turned the corner, they distinctively heard Profaner MuckGonadal emit a gurgling burp and scratch her genitals.

The other victims of Silvery's monster each lay frozen on their beds, less animated than Al Gore in a coma.

Hairy tried prying the paper from out of Hormoany’s fingers, but her grip was very tight  from years of practise. (She played cricket you heinous pervert!)

"Of the many fearsome creatures that roam our lands, there is none more deadly than the Batholith, also called the Queen of Anguilliformes. This eel may reach huge lengths and live as long as Joan Rivers. The Batholith is born from a maternal lesbian ovum under an artificial-insemination microscope. It will take orders from other Queens, mainly cross-dressers donning sequinned gowns. The Batholoth’s methods of killing are wondrous… for a  PG-rating, anyway. This creature’s Mourning Breath can cause instant death, and pubic lice flee from it, as it causes a fatal enema. The Batholith fears only the body odour of a flamingo."

"The victims mustn't have copped the full force of lethal halitosis. Colon was recording with his camcorder, so the radiation emitting from the shoddy device must have filtered the bad breath… Mrs Notorious was outside Groaning Girdle's horrendously malodorous toilets, so those fumes must have weakened the impact… and Justout Finch-Retching had that wad of cheese crammed up his nostrils by Gavin." said Hairy.
“But what about Hormoany and Envelope Drainwater?" asked Rum. Hairy turned.
“Oh, I never noticed… both of them are wearing gas masks!”

"How did it get around though?" queried Rum.
"Look at what Hormoany wrote… Poops!" read Hairy.
"What, was Hormoany describing us?" Rum asked dimly.
"No, it was disguising itself among those poops in Groaning Girdle's toilet! I've been hearing it being flushed around the institute!"

The two slid inside the staff room closet. Hairy pushed out Rosie O' Donnell as Rum crammed up against Eminem, who was cleaning out the closet.

Madam Pfalz was engraving several gammadions and flyfots into her arm with a scalpel.
Profaner Tralala winced as a fleck of blood spritzed across her face.

All of the Profaners leant in closer to hear and the simultaneous 'clunk' as their heads collided secretly pleased Hairy.

"Sorry I'm late, I just can't resist a good fungal growth when I see one!" Lophart chirped.

Hairy and Rum headed back to Graafiandor, their hearts full of sorrow and their socks full of dried urine. Frig and Gorge Weakly were too shocked to talk, so both simultaneously attempted to determine the sound of one clapping by using their shared shrunked arm.

"Do you think there's any chance that she's still... you know..." Rum couldn't finish his sentence, but Hairy understood what he had meant. He could hardly see how Germy would be playing croquet at this time.

Knock Knock.
"Who's there?"
"Rum."
"Rum who?"
"Rum-maging through your stuff are you?" asked Rum.

Knock Knock.
"Who's there?"
"Hairy."
"Hairy who?"
"Hairy up and open the door!"

"Look, one of that stuff would have sold if I hadn't done them. I mean, that slutty vampire slayer had the most fake breasts..." Hairy scowled.
"So you just stole stories from other people and claimed all the glory?" Hairy put his hands on his hips and tutted heavily with a tone of utter disgust.
"That has to be the most spineless, pathetic things that you can do! Blatantly riding the coat tails of someone else's work and calling it your own!" he roared. Luke Brattoni chuckled sheepishly.

Rum looked at Lophart as if he was a diseased rodent that had travelled through the Hudson River filtering system and then been minced into a pie.

"Expelyouranus!" shouted Hairy. Lophart was launched into the ceiling from the violent expulsion of gas from his rear, his baton spiralling out of the window. It hit Hormoany.

"Do you want fries with that, bitch?" said Hairy coolly. Rum laughed.
"Ha! With derisive wit like that, you could be an actio-" he stopped short as Homer Simpson cuffed the back of his head.

"Oldlid Horny was teasing me about my horrendously grotesque dental gear, so I came in here to cry…" Groaning Girdle paused for dramatic emphasis, then realised that this particular book was no place for any dramatic technique whatsoever.

Hairy leant down to the hand-dryer. There was an eel-like engraving on it
"Speak to it." said Rum.
"Hello, my name's Dildoroy Lophart." said Profaner Lophart.
"I meant Hairy, you idiot!" Rum spat.
"Open up." uttered Hairy. He cast an enquiring look over to Rum.
"Spanish." said Rum.

The hand dryer spun into the wall, revealing a giant hole.
"Yeah, a giant hole in the plot!" Rum shouted at Groaning Girdle. "With the loud grinding noise that this makes opening-up every time, haven't you ever noticed a blimmin’ huge Batholith sliding in and out of here?" Groaning Girdle nodded.
"Yeah, heaps of times." she replied. The groans from the audience echoed far and wide… far and wide…

"No wonder none of the previous herdmusters ever found Silvery’s chamber, it was in a girl's bathroom and thanks to the ancient Glass Ceiling bewitchment, every head of Dogfarts thus far has been male."

"Well, it looks like you guys are set to go!" said Lophart, edging towards the exit.
"Oh, no you don't!" warned Rum, aiming his baton at Lophart.
"Hang on… he's right!" Hairy said unexpectantly. "We ARE set! We've found the entrance to the chamber! Taking Lophart along will only slow us down, reducing our chances of saving Germy." Rum lowered his baton, then suddenly jerked it up again.
"I don't care how illogical it is, he’s coming with us!"

"A fridge I can understand, but… an internet washing machine?"

Plucking a wet bra from his head, Rum stood up. Hairy screamed in shock.
"What?" asked Rum. His hair was no longer vomit orange, but shocking white. His freckly skin had gone pale and his pupils were pink.
"You've become an Albino!" Hairy said.
"Must’ve be the bleach." commented Lophart casually, his hair the same as usual.

"Hairy Potted and the Changer of Sequins breaks boundaries of originality."
"Jake A. Ralphing scores again with this utterly necessary sequel."
"We enter the fourteenth month of Luke Tennant Oswald Brattoni's genius."

Dildoroy tutted as he got mud on his high heels.

Haggis-sized women with tentacles.

"Remember, hold your breath at any sign of movement." whispered Hairy. He took a step forward.
"AAARGH! A SIGN OF MOVEMENT!" yelled Rum.

"Are you going to... Scream?" asked Hairy.
"Only if you... Scream 2!" Rum replied. Lophart nodded.
"Yeah, I think Silvery was a real... Psycho." guffawed Lophart.
"He was only one founder, what about... The Others?" asked Hairy.
"This cheesy set could easily start an… Urban Legend." said Rum.  
"OK, OK, we need to kill the Batholith. Let’s be... Gone in 60 Seconds." said Hairy.
"That sounds like... A Perfect Murder." chortled Rum.
"…uh, seriously. Let's get a move on."

Lophart suddenly got up and tossed a large chunk of rock at Rum. It whizzed past him and straight up a nearby pipe. The rock shot out of the top of the pipe and soared through the air into the Sick Bay. It it Hormoany.

Lophart hit his head a stalagmite… or is it a stalactite… erm, a Stalingrad?

"Aha!" Lophart cried victoriously. "The tables have turned!" he grinned. All of the tables up in Dogfarts were obliged to swivel around 180 degrees.

"I just had a magical rod torn from my urethra. Do you fudgeing THINK I'm OK?"

The eerie pillars lining the path appeared to be alive. (In actual fact, they were alive and the light was playing tricks on his eyes to make them seem inanimate.)

An inspirational flash came over Hairy. (Heh heh, ‘flash’. Heh heh, ‘came’.)

Hairy stepped inside… and screamed. It wasn't Snoop, it wasn't Vulvamork, it wasn't even Haggis. And no, not Malformed either.
It was…

--CHAPTER SEVENTEEN--

"…Gavin?!"

Hairy's eyes scoured the room. Once finished, the room was sparkling clean.

"Wake up, Germy!
All the worms are wriggling!
Wake up, Germy!
Wriggle along, too!"

Surely it couldn't be... but as the man stepped into the light, Hairy saw it indeed was...
"Quibble." said Hairy.

"But Hormoany, Rum and I worked it all out! Dumbass Ritalin is the young Nerd Vulvamork. He's an Arcelmouth like Silvery was, somehow passing that talent on to me when he tried killing me! Ritalin used Haggis as a cover for himself. He exerted his spirit into that diarrhoea to toy with future generations… Germy was obviously the one who found it in Groaning Girdle's lavatory and was possessed to attack everyone. She threw it back into the toilet after learning of what she'd done and then stole it back from me! It all fits!" Hairy broke off, panting heavily. Profaner Quibble allowed himself a sly grin.
"Yes, it does all fit. That's what makes it the perfect crime. I had everyone fooled, even you and your nosy friends, even though I’ve been the bad guy from the start!” With a hearty laugh, Quibble swished Hairy’s magic rod as he shouted “Punagram!" causing several words to appear hovering infront of Hairy.
PROFANER QUIBBLE
The letters then rearranged themselves to read:
THE GOOD GUY OF THE BOOK
“‘Profaner Quibble’ doesn’t rearrange into ‘the good guy of the book’.” frowned Hairy.
“Exactly!” replied Quibble.

"But how did you do it? You've been a flower garden for the past year!" said Hairy.  Profaner Quibble’s eyes flashed.
"Indeed, you did a good job of me last year, draining me of my power." Quibble cast a fierce glance at the floor, his fez of peonies and xeranthemums bobbing up and down.
"I was unable to move, unable to live. But then, to my luck, your Hempology class began dumping excess fertiliser onto me after lessons. Immediately, I felt a surge of energy. Each week I grew more and more powerful, but had no moveable form to transfer this methane-based power to." Quibble's face was alive as he spoke, becoming more and more in focus as time passed. Hairy knew that Germy didn't have much time left.
"So, I was caged within the earth with a build-up of potential power until your friend Rum Weakly got a case of wormal-diarrhoea. A stray worm shot out of Haggis’ hut and  landed on me. I immediately fed it with some of my power and sent the worm to bring more and more followers until I had a small army at my disposal. I sent them to implant the hair of Silvery into an unsuspecting victim." Profaner Quibble motioned to Germy.
"Who better than a close friend of Hairy Potted? I would not have a body to carry out my plans and hit Hairy Potted where it hurts. The boy who banished me to a mere aesthetic floral decoration..." Quibble kept pointing the baton at Hairy, but tossed the diarrhoea to the side. It frisbeed into Gavin’s head.
"So my worms planted the hair of Silvery into my old secreted diarrhoea. Once Germy was asleep, the hair crawled into her head and latched onto her brain, an antenna for me to feed myself into. Each day the hair of Silvery would leech energy from Germy Weakly and I would grow more powerful. I soon could control young Germy Weakly to go smearing messages and killing off flamingos to throw off everybody into thinking that Silvery's monster was a Batholith. However, it was the worms which attacked those victims from below, boring into their feet to paralyse them. This was all to fulfil my ultimate plan." Hairy scanned his mind for a way to save Germy, but found nothing.
"Well, it’s ironic that you made all those clues draw people away from discovering you as the culprit, when it directly lead me right to you anyway." said Hairy. Profaner Quibble gave a long, drawn out sigh of one trying to teach quadratic formulas to a four-year old.
"Don't you realise what all of this was for? I do not care for the girl, she was a mere pawn to get me into human form again. My plan was to lead you down here, Hairy. YOU. I can now take my revenge on you for destroying the Philanderer's Stein!" Hairy blinked as an aura flashed around Quibble, he was almost human again. The peonies and xeranthemums had wilted from his fez and had fallen to the floor. Most of the foliage that encased his chest was crinkling up.
"You may be an Arcelmouth, but we are both also Acanthotongues. We can speak to worms!" Quibble lifted up his tutu and flashed Hairy Potted. A humungous worm snaked out from where he should have had an… appendage.

"So, the great Dumbodork sends Hairy Potted a flatulent phoenix, an old hatch and the remnants of a tutoring lesson?"

Hairy lifted up the salt cellar like a bazooka and began twisting it side to side. Saline crystals sprayed violently across the giant worm. It hissed and bubbled, foam frothing down from its body as it writhed in pain. Pellets of salt rained down onto the floor like bullet casings.

"You were great, Forks." murmered Hairy softly, as a wave of red washed over his eyes, followed by a saffron tsunami.

"Do not fear, Hairy. The force is within you." Hairy looked around.
"Is that you again, Hormoany?" he asked weakly.
"No, you idiot! Listen to my drab, monotonous male voice! I'm the narrator! You may feel weak, but I am here to help you overcome this pain, for the tradition of sappy endings is on your side!"

Hairy reached into Germy’s curly orange Afro and plucked out a single black hair.
"Aha! The hair of Silvery! This is what has been draining all of Germy's health away, and there's only one way she can get it back!" As Quibble wiped Forks' intestines from his face, Hairy slid through the man’s legs and rammed his thumb upwards, Hopoate style.

"NOOOO- ALGOLAGNIC- AMPHIMIXIS- ANUS- AREOLA- ARSE- ASSHOLE- BALLS- BASTARD- BAWDRY- BESTIALITY- BITCH- BLADDER- BLOODY- BLOWING- BONDAGE- BOOBS-BOWELS- BUGGER- BUTTOCKS- CAESAREAN- CARNAL- CHUCK- CHUNDER- CIRCUMCISION- CLOACA- CLEAVAGE- CLITORIS- COCK- COITUS- COLONIC- COON- COPROPHILIA- CRAP- CROTCH- CUM- CUNNILINGUS- (I_am_a_loser_who_has_no_respect_for_women)- DAMNED- DEFECATION- DEMIMONDAINE- DIAPHRAGM- DICK- DILDO- DIURETICS- DUNG- DYKE- ENEMAS- EONISM- EPICENE- EPISIOTOMY- ERECTION- EXCRETA- EXHIBITIONISM- FAECES- ******- FELLATIO- FERTILISER- FESTING- FETISHES- FINGERBANG- FONDLE- FRAENULUM- FROTTAGE- fudgeING- FUDGEPACKER- GAY- GENITALIA- GLANS- GLUTEUS MAXIMUS- GONORRHOEA- GUANO- HARLOT- HEADJOB- HELL- HERMAPHRODITE- HOMO- HOOTERS- HUMPING- HURL- HYMEN- INCEST- INCONTINENCE- INCUBUS- INTERCOURSE- IVF- JERK- JIZZ- KNOB- LABIA- LACTATION- LAVATORY- LAXATIVE- LAY- LECHERY- LESBIANS- MAMMARIES- MASOCHISM- MASTURBATE- MEATUS- MECONIUM- MENSTRUATION- MICTURITION- MOLESTING- MUFF- MUSTH- NADS- NECROPHILIA- ******- NIPPLES- NOOKY- NUBILE- NUTS- NYMPHOS- OESTRUS- ONANISM- ORDURE- ORGASM- ORGY- ORIFICE- OVARY- PAEDOPHILIA- PARTHENOGENESIS- PEDERASTY- PENIS- PERINEUM- PERVERSION- PESSARY- PHALLUS- PISSING- PIZZLE- PLATONIC- POO- PORNOGRAPHY- POTTY- PRIAPUS- PRICK- PROSTATE- PRURIENT- PUBIC- PUDENDA- PUKING- PUSSY- QUADRIPARTITE- QUALM- QUEEN- QUEER- RACK- RECTUM- RIMJOB- RUBBER- RUTTING- SAPPHIC- SATYR- SCATOLOGY- SCREW- SEMEN- SEX- SHAG- sheeshTING- SISSY- SIXTY NINER- SMEGMA- SODOMY- SLUT- SPECULUM- SPEW- SPHINCTER- STALING- STERCORACEOUS- SUCCUBI- TAMPON- TESTICLE- THREESOME- TITTIES- TOILET- TOOL- TRAMP- TRIBADIST- TRANSVESTITES- TROILISM- TURD- URETHRA - URINATION- VAGINA- VENEREAL- VESICA- VIAGRA- VIBRATOR- VIRGINITY- VOMIT- VOYEUR- VULVA- WANKER- WANTON- WHOREHOUSE- XRATED- YANK- YEAN- YOUNKER TUGGER- ZABAGLIONE OF THE FORESKIN- OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"

Lophart formed the word 'equestrians' on the Scrabble board.

The small, bald, fleshy phoenix looked like something Hormoany would roll around in her mouth. (Chewing gum, you vile pervert!)

Hairy considered the prospect of slitting his wrists so he could spend his afterlife in a toilet with a moping ghost who housed eight pounds of metallic orthodontics in her mouth. He strangely declined.

--CHAPTER EIGHTEEN--

Gavin went on to explain his point of view from the spectator's seat, and then moved on to his knowledgeable taste in exotic dairy curdlings.

"Germy, what have I always told you?" said Mr Weakly. Germy sniffed.
"Check him for a rash before you do anything rash?" she recited. Mr Weakly coughed.
"Err... no, not that. You should never consolidate with something if you can't see where it keeps its brain!" Germy frowned.
"But I can't see your brain." she replied.

“Look, I'll come clean. I'm just as incompetent as Dildoroy Lophart. Why did I not know about Profaner Quibble last year? Why else are you constantly the one who has to resolve all of my problems?"

"Wait," growled Dumbodork. "I stick to my word. When you rammed into the Humping Sallow at the start of the year, I wrote to your parents and guardians saying that any more unruly behaviour would end up with you being expelled. You and Rum Weakly will not return to Dogfarts Institute of Wizardry and Weird Plots after this year." Rum and Hairy stood flabbergasted in the doorway.
"This means you also lose all of your House points. Hecklepuck wins again!"

Luscious Malformed eyed Dumbodork suspiciously through a telescope.

Dumbodork raised an eyebrow by using an elaborate set of pulleys.

"Can I give the diarrhoea back to Mr Malformed?" asked Hairy. Dumbodork blinked.
"Well, I just plainly explained how it’s the only evidence we have to prove Germy Weakly's innocence, but go right ahead!"

Dodgy was clutching Hormoany’s lace underwear as if it was pure gold, as numerous male students would have done.
"Master threw the nightie and Dodgy caught it! Giving a house-imp the undergarments of a hot chick breaks the bond of enslavement! Dodgy is free!"

"Thank you, Hairy Potted!" beamed Dodgy. (At least, it sounded like 'thank'!)

"So, you solved it!" chirped Hormoany. Hairy and Rum threw her dark looks.
"Actually, no, we were completely wrong. Your bloody clues led us to a near-death experience and now we're expelled!" Hormoany blinked.
"Expelled? Who gives a crap about how many rules we broke, we stopped any more students being attacked!” yelled Hormoany. Dumbodork appeared from nowhere.
"Of course! How stupid of me! Miss Ginger, as you were also involved in this behaviour, you are also expelled!" Dumbodork disappeared. Hormoany gaped, thunderstruck.
"But this is my first strike, I never had any previous warning!" she yelled to deaf ears.

Hairy, Rum and Hormoany were too saddened, dysphoric, lamentable, deplorable, inspirited, gloomy, unhappy, miserable, woeful, wretched, infelicitous, disheartened, nostalgic, dejected and full of melancholy to be cheerful, joyous, content, happy, euphoric, elysian, mafficking, riant, halcyon or full of mirth.

Germy, Frig and Gorge came and sat in their carriage. Hairy looked up.
"Hey, we never did find out what you walked in on Pussy doing." he said.
"Oh, that. Pussy's been going out with Envelope Drainwater, that Ravercork Defect. She's who he kept e-mailing all this time." Germy stopped and nibbled on a horseradish.
"So anyway, I walked in on him, her and a goat… well..." Following the old belief that a picture is worth a thousand words, Germy sketched them a diagram. The others looked at it oddly. She turned it sideways and their expressions changed.
"Is that his...? Yuck!" spewed Hairy.
"Are they actually...? Gross!" barfed Frig.
"How did those fit inside her…? Foul!" retched Gorge.
"And what's that stuff poking out of his...? Oh, that’s off, man!" hurled Rum.
"Hmm, interesting technique with the whips and axle grease, I might try it out some time." said Hormoany. Everyone looked at her.
"I mean... erm… Disgusting!" Hormoany blurted sheepishly.

“Uh-oh, I think we left him tied up to his bed.” said Rum.
"This will be a looong wait until next year!" carolled Hairy.

Leaping off the Dogfarts Excess, Hormoany's tutu flew up as she jumped, revealing that she was wearing nothing underneath. (She was nude Get over it.)

At this point  the narrator began cackling, laughing, chortling, giggling, smirking, s******ing, braying, tittering, chuckling, guffawing, cachinnating, cacking his head off and roaring with exaggerated riant mirth for an entire millisecond.

It wasn't Snoop, it wasn't Vulvamork, it wasn't even Haggis. It was... Mr Parsley. Hairy blinked. Thrice.
"How did you manage to harness Ralphing's law of fiction? There are anti-Muffin charms against it." said Hairy. The hand of Mr Parsley tore off a latex mask.
"I'm not a Muffin!" rasped the hideous, skull-white face beneath. Hormoany did Scream. Rum did Scream 2. Hairy did Scream 3.

The fully grown Dumbass Ritalin whipped out his baton, spelling out his name mid-air.
DUMBASS KEPT-HEED RITALIN.
The levitating letters rearranged to form the words:
BARE NAKED IDLE S**T STUMP?
Dumb Ritalin smacked his baton on a nearby lamp post and tried again.
I AM THE BLEAK NERD, STUPIDS!

Hairy Potted was as speechless, thunderstruck, dumbfounded, flabbergasted, shocked, boggled surprised and bowled over as when he had been told he was expelled from Dogfarts.
"So Quibble really wasn't the Bleak Nerd after all!" burst Hairy.
"Yes, an ingenious plan, isn't it?" replied Vulvamork, his jagged mouth forming a horrendous imitation of a sneer.

Hormoany and Rum struggled for words. All that came to mind were 'aplomb', 'certificate' and 'transuretero-ureterostomy.'

"You and your friends simply found out too much, so I brought Quibble back to life with the power that my old secreted diarrhoea leeched from Germy Weakly. As you guessed, her spirit was drawn into his body. I crafted a story for Quibble to tell you should you ever meet. As this was predictably inevitable, I enchanted Quibble to grow that... appendage… to fight you. I knew you would defeat his sorry ass just like last year. And just like last year you would go around spreading the story of your heroics. Dumbodork would believe that Quibble was the culprit and was now dead, so everyone would drop their guard and travel home completely unaware of the danger ahead."
"No!" shouted Hairy. He felt faint, a hundred icy blades sliding down his stomach.
"No… NO!" he yelled, but could now see that it all fit together. Quibble pretending the Changer of Sequins story was a decoy was a decoy in itself. Hairy had had it right the first time with his rational, coherent explanation.

"That fateful day twelve years ago left me marred by this bung leg." Vulvamork hobbled a few steps forward. “I loathed growing in up in Brighton Orphange, never knowing where my father was. I often wandered for days on end through London searching for him. Then I discovered him with his new bride… a New Zealand ovine. I've hated Cudbloods ever since." Ritalin broke off from his reverie, glaring at Hairy with a fiery malice.
"But enough about my Freudian motives. I should take the high road… take your lives…"

"Wait!” yelled Hairy. “This isn't supposed to happen! I have to uncover the true identity of Simian Bleak, hurl my guts out in Deference Against the Bleak Arts classes, enter into the Tripewizened Tournament, see the Spinach Whirled Cup and then have a sheeshload of cameos to assist in our thousand-profanity wonder-page! "

Hairy's scab gave a lurch, causing Hairy to have cravings for koala meat.

Vulvamork  leant right down to Hairy so that his nostril slits drew in the smell of Hairy's beading sweat.
"Well, we wouldn't want to have to go through with another one of these rip-offs." glared Vulvamork. With eyes glued to Hairy, Vulvamork cocked jos shotgun, then blasted Hormoany in the chest. Specks of carmine fluid spattered across Rum's pale face. Hairy stood numb with shock as her body crumpled to the ground. Ritalin leered at Hairy. 
"I especially couldn't handle any more of these god-awful books." With another swift arm movement, the shotgun was reloaded. A second shot rent the salient silence. Hairy was vaguely aware of a heavy thump to his left and a hot, sticky fluid crawling down his face.
"Two down. Now, after I kill you, I’ll be totally carefree!" Vulvamork gave a cruel laugh.

Hairy's scab was now pulsing with pain. He knelt down, fighting off his newfound impulses to run up the nearest eucalyptus tree with a boomerang.

"You are defeated, Hairy Potted. Why? Because I have always known about your adventures, your life, and especially you." Nerd Vulvamork pumped the shotgun one fianl time, pointed the gun barrel to Hairy's chest and fired.

Hairy felt himself being thrown backwards as the gunshot echoed throughout the desolate station. He landed among the other dead bodies of his friends and fellow classmates. The platform was caked in spattered blood and gore. Hairy gargled a hot fluid in his lungs and retched as he clutched his chest. The pain was unbearable, every movement seemed to increase the agony tearing through his torso. Glancing down, he could see blood bubbling out from his punctured lungs. His mind swivelled and his head collapsed back onto the ground. He was unable to breathe, focusing his energy on compressing the endless flow of blood issuing from his chest. He barely noticed the sound of Nerd Vulvamork swivelling on his heel to leave the platform. A large advertisement stuck on the wall behind where Hairy had been previously standing caught his attention.
'Discover your Freudian motives! Call 1900-PSYCHIC-OLOGIST’
Hairy recalled Vulvamork mentioning a Freudian motive… The grown Dumbass Ritalin tossed his smoking shotgun into a nearby trash can as he limped heavily towards the exit.
Hairy's brain was screaming for air as viscous fluid seeped endlessly through his clutched fingers. His eyes caught sight of another poster.
‘Take the high road- Visit Scotland today!’
Vulvamork's voice echoed somewhere in the back of his fading mind. '... I should take the high road… take your lives...' Hairy’s elbow brushed Hormoany, who was lying motionless beside him, as he noticed an advertisement for Carefree tampons on the wall. He choked as a wave of blood spilled from his mouth and poured down his chin. Vulvamork had mentioned how he would be ‘carefree’ after killing Hairy... he had almost reached the wall that led down to the Muffin world. Hairy's swirling mind fought to figure out the meaning of Vulvamork's soliloquy. "I have always known about your adventures, your life… and especially you." Hairy felt his heart stop beating below his palms. A final thought sprung into his mind as his eyelid slowly sank. 'I especially can't handle any more these god-awful books!' What had Vulvamork meant? Hairy's eyes dilated, his bowels released their contents and he was dead.

Vulvamork stopped limping as he reached the wall. He turned, as if embracing the serene finality that radiated from the scene of carnage. His silhouetted form ripped off another mask and he disappeared from the platform. The figure's feet limped an ungainly pace down the Muffin path, then slowly evened out into a regular pace as they stepped out into the street. A young boy sitting wearily at a park bench watched the feet tread by. He grabbed his mother’s sleeve.
"Mummy! Look! It's J. K. Rowling!" he cried excitedly. The mother shooshed her child by bludgeoning his head with a bag of caramel. The boy considered running up to the woman for an autograph, but stopped at the sight of blood flecked across her shirt. Instead, he sat down on the pavement and began ramming slices of cheese into his ear.

A moment later, J. K. Rowling had melted into the rest of the bustling suburban crowd; another speck of colour blended into the mosaic of life.

And because I'm too lazy to sum up my third one, let Cleolinda lass sum-up the movie instead:

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban in 15 Minutes


:D Fun. Knee. ;D

On page 140 (or whatever page you flaming Yanks chose to print it on) in Chamber of Sequins is the line 'causing mayhem in Snape's Potions class was about as safe as poking a sleeping dragon in the eye.' And the Hogwarts crest says something like 'don't tickle a sleeping dragon'... foreshadowing, perhaps?

Rowling herself said that COS was one of her faves and reading back, there's a lot of stuff in there that played a big role in HBP... *Riddle's childhood and his diary being used to harbour part of his soul
*Ginny's crush on Harry
*Polyjuice Potion
*In Borgin and Burkes, Harry sees the necklace that later curses Katie Bell. He also hides in one of the Vanishing Cabinets.
*Nearly Headless Nick gets Peeves to break the other Vanishing Cabinet to distract Filch.
*In the diary flashback, Dippet is looking out over a ruby-red sky. Rowling repeatedly uses this motif when a character is about to die. (Moaning Myrtle, in this instance.) However, it is also a red herring, as in the case of Buckbeak... and Dumbledore, perhaps?

Oh, and whilst you are all so obviously riveted, has anyone noticed how most predictions, regardless of their sardonic or vague tone, tend to always come foreshadow future events?

*Fred and George joke about having to figh a troll to prove themselves worthy of Hogwarts. Ron is the one who takes out the troll in the bathroom. They later joke that he become a Prefect. And he becomes a Prefect. It seems he's also on his way to fulfilling the vision of himself in the Mirror of Erised. Because Katie Bell has finished Hogwarts and Harry is leaving to fulfill his heroic destiny, Ron will be the most senior member of the Quidditch team and hence be made captain, possibly Head Boy due to lousy competition from the other houses.

*We meet Neville Longbottom before Hermione and he is the fourth character who Dumbledore awards points to at the end of PS. I think I've already noted that he catches the Prophecy from Harry without anything happening to him... Harry also has two Neptunes over his birthdate, realting to the prophecy link to Neville. Snape also appears to bully them equally in Potions lessons.

*Harry is a Leo. 'Regulus' is a star in the Leo Zodiac. J K Rowling also has an Omega sign in her signature, which is used to signify the Leo zodiac. He's a lion, I tells ya. A LION!!!

*In the tea leaf reading, Ron makes that paradoxical prediction that a wonky cross and a sun suggesting Harry will suffer but be happy. This relates to both Buckbeak and Sirius Black. Also, a bowler's hat suggests that he will work for the Ministry Of Magic, and later in OOTP his career as an Auror is established.

*Trelawney continuously refers to death when Harry is around in GOF, and at the end of the book Cedric is killed right infront of him. Perhaps her superstition that the first to rise from a table of 13 being doomed will relate to Ron and/or Harry in the 7th book, as Sirius was the first to rise at Grimmauld Place when 13 were dining and was later killed.
Trelawney also predicts that Umbridge will be in grave danger, and at the end she's carted off by wild centaurs.

*Ron and Harry's made-up dream diaries prophecied later events, such as Harry being in danger of burns, Ron 'drowning', Harry being stabbed in the back by Moody, Ron coming off second-best in their argument and Ron developing a cough, when he finds out about Hermione and Krum. Later, Ron says that he doesn't care if the tea-leaves spell 'Die, Ron, die!' As he is the thing that Harry will miss the most in the Second Task, this may foreshadow him sacrificing himself for Harry.

*In Harry's third year exams, he predicts Buckbeak flying away safely.

I'm stuck on Nitwit Oddment Blubber Tweak anagrams. I should try combinations that don't have 'Dumbledore' in them...

http://i4.photobucket.com/albums/y110/dragonangelfairy/SkaryPotter.jpg

Oh, and Trelawney says Harry has the shortest life lines she has ever seen.

That will be all for now, class.

Luke

I will read your 'parody' of Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets when I have finished reading the original.  Since I am reading it to my daughter at a rate of 2 or 3 pages a night it could be a little while yet!

I will read your 'parody' of Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets when I have finished reading the original. Since I am reading it to my daughter at a rate of 2 or 3 pages a night it could be a little while yet!


Just cut out the middle man and read my parody excerpts to her instead!  :D

DRATTTEDRAPSCALLIONS! If Harry WAS a Horcrux, the Marauder's Map would have shown 'Harry Potter' and 'Tom Riddle' under his name, right? Well, it only showed 'Harry Potter'... so PFLTPH to that theory.

http://i4.photobucket.com/albums/y110/dragonangelfairy/iPotter.jpg

Just cut out the middle man and read my parody excerpts to her instead!  :D

DRATTTEDRAPSCALLIONS! If Harry WAS a Horcrux, the Marauder's Map would have shown 'Harry Potter' and 'Tom Riddle' under his name, right? Well, it only showed 'Harry Potter'... so PFLTPH to that theory.


Maybe Horcruxes don't work that way, as only part of the soul is intact in a Horcrux...maybe Harry's forgetting read the small print underneath his name, i.e. "Harry Potter includes 13% Voldemort". 

Hmmm.... mayyybeee, bayyybeee...
I guess seeing as the map had small print to begin with, then the 'small print' below would've been in 'teeny-tiny print', like lil' Abby after you've finished another of your famed Flashberry pedicures.

Hmmm.... mayyybeee, bayyybeee...
I guess seeing as the map had small print to begin with, then the 'small print' below would've been in 'teeny-tiny print', like lil' Abby after you've finished another of your famed Flashberry pedicures.


Awww. 

Too bad my signature color is Coralberry. 

OHHHH SCHNAP!

As long as we're SUPPOSED to be on the subject of Potter, today I increased my chances tenfold of being nominated for president of junior class board by pulling a stunt on my Chem teacher.  After I burnt a pipette to melty plastic goo (totally inadvertently, of course), she scolded me by waving her pencil at me during the reprimand.  Instead of taking the abuse, I whipped out my own pencil, waved it stylistically and shouted "EXPELLIARMUS!" at the top of my lungs. 

Ironically, since this instance, I have been asked to the Friday dance by 4 guys, as opposed to last year's grand total of one and a half.

(Oh, and the best part was, she put down the pencil.)

Guys: "Wait a minute, Emione. YOU'RE a girl!"
You grill those pipettes, witch. Grilled pipettes, grilled pipettes.

...you just reminded me. What the fizzing whizbee does this thread have to do with Song Parodies?
Oh well, my two Knuts: The actress playing Madam Maxine is Frances de la Tour. That name is much too similar to Fleur de la Cour if you ask me.


Oh really, I picked what this was gonna do within seconds.
Now THIS is a trailer! Look at the scientific detail in the dragon's skeletal structure and fire-breathing glands... brilliant.

Guys: "Wait a minute, Emione. YOU'RE a girl!"

You grill those pipettes, witch. Grilled pipettes, grilled pipettes.


Emione: Just because it's taken you three years to notice...

Guys: Sixteen, actually.

Emione: AVADA KEDAVRA!

Argh, scroll back, scroll back! I edited, I edited!

Oh, and as evidence that Snape could have been doing a Non-Verbal Spell on Dumbledore whilst shouting Avada Kedavra out loud, Ron's slug-eating spell flashed green light in COS.

Professor Tibbygirley: My dear Emione, I have not met anybody as Mundane.
Professor Snapricot: *sneers at Emione's chemistry potion-making*

Cripes, the Beauxbatonnettes look like a freaking regiment.

At least one thing remains constant between the book and the movie...Viktor Krum is the surliest sex-skillet there is. 

Surely Harry looks much sexier in that POA shot.
Sorry... less surly, surely.

Surely Harry looks much sexier in that POA shot.
Sorry... less surly, surely.


...sure. 

The appendage of his Noodliness is calling.
Spell ya later.

The appendage of his Noodliness is calling.
Spell ya later.


Good, because the correct spelling is "you", and I'm not going to flag down a board administrator. 

Oh, shut up and wed me again.

Oh, shut up and wed me again.


Again?  We never did tie the knot, Amnesia Lord. 

We never did tie the knot, Amnesia Lord.


Yeah, I got totally confused with the whole bit about 'the rabbit runs down the burrow twice, then goes up over the fence'.

...blimey, that sounded euphemistic.

http://i4.photobucket.com/albums/y110/dragonangelfairy/Hermione.jpg

It amuses me to no end, your fascination with the internet dollmaker. 

What infuriates me is that I have not seen a single pixelled depiction of EmiLoca anywhere in your post history.  >:(

It amuses me to no end, your fascination with the internet dollmaker.

What infuriates me is that I have not seen a single pixelled depiction of EmiLoca anywhere in your post history. >:(


Oh, reeeeeaaaaaaaally, Emi? Who didya think this Mattering Thread post was meant to be... Eminem? 


http://i4.photobucket.com/albums/y110/dragonangelfairy/Emiwithpupurine.jpg

Oh, reeeeeaaaaaaaally, Emi? Who didya think this Mattering Thread post was meant to be... Eminem?   



...yes. 

I walked right into that one.
Speaking of witch, *groan* seperated at birth...?

http://i4.photobucket.com/albums/y110/dragonangelfairy/MarshallMalfoy.jpg

http://i4.photobucket.com/albums/y110/dragonangelfairy/HermioneKate.jpg

http://i4.photobucket.com/albums/y110/dragonangelfairy/IseedeadWeasleys.jpg

http://i4.photobucket.com/albums/y110/dragonangelfairy/HarryPatto.jpg

And this is the first time I've seen this poster:
http://i4.photobucket.com/albums/y110/dragonangelfairy/GobletofFire.jpg

More to add to your 67 A4 pages currently peppering your refrigerator door.

I've always been offput by reading about how Mad Eye Moody could see through desks, and could see Harry's socks through his robes... surely he would be a walking pervert?  :o

Further foreboding: When the Triwizard competitors are first announced, Barty Crouch looks gaunt, with a 'skull-like appearance'. We can also guess who the other champions will be by the way they are introduced earlier in the book. We learn more about Cedric Diggory at the Portkey, then Krum is introduced, then Fleur keeps getting mentioned.

There are also characters introduced who play important later roles. 'Mundungus Fletcher'  tries to scam Percy's department into paying compensation for a large tent when he in fact was camping under his coat and Amos Diggory mentions the 'Lovegoods' having already arrived at the Quidditch World Cup.

I've always been offput by reading about how Mad Eye Moody could see through desks, and could see Harry's socks through his robes... surely he would be a walking pervert?  :o

There are also characters introduced who play important later roles. 'Mundungus Fletcher'  tries to scam Percy's department into paying compensation for a large tent when he in fact was camping under his coat and Amos Diggory mentions the 'Lovegoods' having already arrived at the Quidditch World Cup.


*pleasant reminiscence of "Mad-Eye Moody Syndrome"*

After book four introduced such important characters so offhandedly, I tore apart book five for any other throwaway names. I remembered one seemingly insignificant name from book five, and only one - Scrimgeour.  Something about how he'd "been asking funny questions".  I pretty much peed myself when I found out he was a central character in book six.

So, basically, although I had that immense victory under my belt, I had still wet my pants and still suck. 

Mmm, AND your book was all torn up. Bit stupid, really.

You can also do the reverse by watching what has been cut from/kept in the movies. For example, Peeves is a no-show and so obviously won't be playing a big role in book 7. I hear that S.P.E.W. won't be in the GOF movie, so that's sort of dashed my focus on a house-elf rebellion playing a role in Voldemort's downfall. Damn, it would've been such a great David vs Goliath twist, too... 
My previously small inklings that Malfoy is hot for Hermione have been growing exponentially going back over the early books again.

I'm still waiting for that blocked tunnel to play a role somewhere. And the Dursleys are so gonna have some big secret revealed.

Suhhhhh-wish!

Read the scrolling message at the top for about twenty seconds.
Oh yes, Nib's endeavour to always run jokes into the ground continues unheeded... and I adore my Luke B entry, too.

I just realised, Krum was 18 or so for the Triwizard tournament and Hermione was only 14. Also, the Patil sisters went off to join Beauxbaton boys, who must have been atleast 17 to have tried out for the Tournament, too. That's... iffy.

Hagrid's dad died when he was in second year. I think we're gonna learn the circumstances in Book 7.

What was the last thing...? Oh, of course!
Suhhhhh-wish!

Suhhhhh-wish!

Read the scrolling message at the top for about twenty seconds.
Oh yes, Nib's endeavour to always run jokes into the ground continues unheeded... and I adore my Luke B entry, too.

I just realised, Krum was 18 or so for the Triwizard tournament and Hermione was only 14. Also, the Patil sisters went off to join Beauxbaton boys, who must have been atleast 17 to have tried out for the Tournament, too. That's... iffy.

Hagrid's dad died when he was in second year. I think we're gonna learn the circumstances in Book 7.

What was the last thing...? Oh, of course!
Suhhhhh-wish!


Hermione was fifteen, her birthday is in September, and Krum could have very well just turned seventeen. 

Waaait a second! You're eighteen, Dakota Fanning is ELEVEN, and that's not iffy? 

Plugstard. 

Hermione was fifteen, her birthday is in September, and Krum could have very well just turned seventeen.

...really? *googles* September 19th. Well, there you go... I always thought she was a mid-to late August as in POA she buys Crookshanks with money leftover from birthday money her parents gave her. Though it makes sense that her muggle parents give the money to her early, she isn't meant to spend it three weeks before her birthday, that totally ruins the point! And her being almost a year older than Harry totally lessens her brainiac status. Anyway, I thought Ron said that Krum was 18 at the start of the book when they went to the World Cup. Or maybe I've been subconsciously predicting that Krum was going to be a DADA teacher one of these days (he told Hermione he liked Hogwarts better than Durmstrang) and wanted him as old as possible for plausibility.


Waaait a second! You're eighteen, Dakota Fanning is ELEVEN, and that's not iffy?


I've only just turned 18, and she's 11 and a half... yecch, that IS iffy.
I guess I'd better not say anything at all about my undying crush on Hailie Jade Scott...


Plugstard.


Crux.

Or maybe I've been subconsciously predicting that Krum was going to be a DADA teacher one of these days (he told Hermione he liked Hogwarts better than Durmstrang) and wanted him as old as possible for plausibility.


Huh.  Now THAT would be iffy.  Teacher/student pairings are as wrong as they come...

"Hermione, why do you keep conjuring canaries to fly into your skull?"
"Because Professor Krum is a teacher and my boyfriend, and no one understands our fervent passion for one another."
"...gew."

Right. You're officially hired to finish Prismer of Afghaniztan.
Make sure in the Time Turner sequence that there's two pages left deliberately blank for the bit when they accidentally travel abck to the start of the first book.

And the bad guy turns out to be... oh crap, library's closing. Gotta go!

Right. You're officially hired to finish Prismer of Afghaniztan.
Make sure in the Time Turner sequence that there's two pages left deliberately blank for the bit when they accidentally travel abck to the start of the first book.

And the bad guy turns out to be... oh crap, library's closing. Gotta go!


I was actually thinking of something along these lines:

"Dumbledore said two turns left, right?"
"Left."
"Left?"
"Right."
"Uh, right?"
"Left, right."
"Okay, let's go."
"...I thought we were going to go, Hermione."
"I just did it.  Do you think it worked?"
"Hermione, you dumbf*ck, you turned it left AND right..."

"Where are we now?"
"It looks like the entrance of Hogwarts."
"What's that pretty light configuration above us?  Looks like a skull with a snake coming out the mouth."
"Hermione, are you sure you turned it only twice?"
"Yes, and then we both did fifteen somersaults and fell down a flight of changing staircases."
"Right.  Hey look, it's you, Harry, only seventeen and angst-ridden!"
"Yeah, and right in front of me...no, it can't be Voldemort, can it?"
"Oh crap, Harry."
"What?"
"Voldemort just killed your seventh-year self and died, having destroyed his own Horcrux."
"No!  It can't be true!  There was no spoiler warning on the cover of this book!"
"In any case, this series is going to be outrageously anticlimactic.  Brilliant."
"Maybe if we include a raunchy sex scene after this one, the readers will forget they ever read this part."
"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"
"Oh, you know I am."
"BREAK OUT THE POLYJUICE!"

^*chortle snortle ninjatortle*

...your discussion at the end was freakishly close to what I was planning with Hairy and (?)Hormoany(?). Come to think of it, it's also freakishly similar to what Rowling did with Horcruxes... anyway, if you've bothered reading any of Prismer, you will notice that Hormoany has random hormonal surges causing her to go psycho every now and then. It turns out that in order to do all of her classes, Hormoany was magically cloned (her clone being the same age etc.) and Hairy sleeps with her (or was it the clone?) so she's pregnant throughout the book. The problem was I had to change character names around because of mum notliking 'Hairy Poofter' and then 'Hairy Scrotter' and alot of other names that I'd spent some time anagramming for a big Scooby-Doo like finale where everybody turns out to be after Hairy. Anyway, I'm yammering... (surprise!)

'Hairy's scab gave a lurch, causing him to have cravings for koala meat.' -gets me every time.

Whilst the topic of age-related non-ships is still fresh, I retract my theory that Ron falls for Gabrielle Delacour at the Weasley wedding. She was eight in GOF, for some reason I thought she was older. And on page 480 (in the UK version anyway) the 'eighteen-year-old Krum' is jealous of Harry being with Hermione.
Pwned.

Discrepancies in GOF: Harry sees Karkaroff show Snape something on his forearm and relates this to Sirius, who has just spent a dozen years surrounded by Death Eaters, and he has no idea what it could mean. This would suggest that the marks faded when Voldemort was half-destroyed, as they come back clearer as he regains power in GOF. But if this is true, that would mean that the Dark Mark would have been clear on the arm of any Voldemort supporter... surely Aurors could have just checked everyone's arm to see if they were in league with Voldemort, and absence of it could support claims of being under the Imperius curse.

Also, Harry and the others have to squeeze into the cave where Sirius is hiding. How, then, did Buckbeak get into the cave? Sirius couldn't have magicked it bigger because his wand would have been destroyed when he was captured. More on that, why didn't he get the Aurors to do a Prior Incantatem on his wand to prove he didn't kill Pettigrew? MORE ON THAT how did he get a wand to fight Bellatrix at the end of OOtP?

I preferred the teaser. I guess the Hogwarts terrain magically shifts stuff around by several kilometres each year. Et les sous-titres francais sont dessous tres ennuyants. The Real and Quicktime versions screw up alot.

*What would happen if Voldemort allowed a Dementor to suck out the remaining bit of his soul?
*How come the Portkey took Cedric and Harry back to the maze when they had to wait until a certain time at the start of the book?
*If the prophecy indeed suggests that only Harry can kill Voldemort and vice versa, Harry will be like Neo... untouchable to all of the Death Eaters. Which would be totally funny if Voldemort kept breaking bits of his soul up into clone-Horcruxes and had an Agent-Smith-like battle with Harry.
*Oh, and Voldemort says to the Death Eaters at the end of GOF that his intent was to kill Harry as a baby, so my whole Horcrux prediction is void.

I had a whole slew of responses that contradicted every last word you posted, but for now:

If Voldemort allowed a Dementor to suck out the last of his remaining soul, he would die.    :D Uh-DUH. 

Concerning the Triwizard Cup's Portkeyness, you'll notice during the Priori Incantem that Harry's father (or mother?) tells him a time to break free of the web and run to the cup.  Iffy, but the dead know all, so I'm not going to argue.

A-hem.  A Death Eater could certainly kill Harry.  And I quote:  "Just because there's a prophecy doesn't mean it has to be fulfilled, dumbsh*t" - Albus Dumbledore, Book 6.

Voldemort's intent to kill Harry as a baby might have changed once he realized that Harry was protected by his mother's sacrifice.  How long does it take for a Horcrux to be created?  Even when Voldemort was in the middle of decomposing (bleck) he could have split his soul (having just killed Harry's parents) and implanted it into a "normal-looking" scar. 

Krum taking Hermione to the Yule Ball would be no different than a senior in HS taking a freshman.  Besides that, Hermione is considerably more mature and intelligent than most girls in her year, not to mention her copious amounts of bushy hair, a turn-on for any Bulgarian. 

Sirius didn't lose his wand when he went to Azkaban.  He got a friend to stick it up his dog butt, suffered through extreme constipation until he thought it was time to flee Azkaban, then had a massive eruption in his cell that broke every magical barrier.  That's not the story he told, but I'd be a little embarrassed of the latter, too.

Every last word? That would've been 'void' then...

I MEANT that Voldemort has 1/7th of his soul currently in his human form. 1/7th was destroyed when Harry stabbed the diary with a fang, 1/7th was destroyed by Dumbledore from the ring. So if a Dementor sucked out the 1/7th from his human form, there'd still be 4/7ths of him around in the other Horcruxes... sorta sitting around looking evil and stuff.

Uh, prophecies DO have to be fulfilled, it's just the translation of them that matters. ie. the Oracle of Delphi telling the Greeks that if they go to battle with the Persians, a great empire will be defeated. And they were both great empires.
Or in Paul Jennings' "See Shell" where a kid sees himself kissing the captains' sister then being thrown overboard tied up, and it turns out that she advances on him and that he explains the predicament to the three captains and they stage throwing him off the boat with slipknots. I found the prophecy as totally stupid. 'Neither can live while the other survives...' and yet they're both alive and surving at the same time.

...except that Krum being 18 classifies it as statutory.
*suh-wish*

"He was their friend! THEIR FRIEND!"

The trailer's out without that annoying Frenchiness along the bottom.
I love the billowing cumulus of smoke at the end with that singing.

The trailer's out without that annoying Frenchiness along the bottom.
I love the billowing cumulus of smoke at the end with that singing.


You beat me to posting this link.  The third task scene looks a-maze-ing...

*giraffe caviar sits awkwardly on the pavement outside Emi's bedroom*

And I suppose you haven't given proper regard to one of Dumbledore's first quotes in the series: "Nitwit!  Blubber!  Oddment!  Tweak!  Screw the Oracle of Delphi!"  - Book One

The prophecy works, because Voldemort is not technically "alive" in the way that Harry is.  Once he defeats Harry Potter, he can...um...be...alive. 

I am making sooo much sense today.  I blame it on the rancid giraffe caviar. 

Water-bout the second task?

*giraffes have to half their laughs*

Oh, and nice work, Emi, you scored a double Googleimagewhack!
"Giraffe Caviar"
http://caviargirl.com/Pg%206/5090.gif

"Rancid Caviar"
http://www.angelfire.com/mi3/greeneggsandham/pictures/i_just_had_some_rancid_caviar__yeeek.jpg

Harry felt a sense of 'foreboding' from all of the whispering at Grimmauld Place, as if they had just entered the house of a 'dying person'. And when Fred and George attempt to set the table, a knife lands where Sirius' hand was. How did I miss these hints on my second read-through? *scowls at rancid giraffe caviar* PERRRDUUUCIIII!!!

I had a brief moment where I thought that Snape was the secret keeper for Grimmauld Place, as Harry reads the note in 'small handwriting' and I thought Dumbledore's was always described as loopy and in green ink. Umm... there was some other frosm niggling at my head that I can't remembratall.

...that's right. When Harry is pissed off at the Dursleys, his wand emits red and gold sparks. Gryffindor's-heir-alert!

-In Grimmauld place, Mundungus is interested in a golbin-wrought silver something-or-other with the Black Crest on it. Two pages later, Bill is talking about how the goblins 'suffered losses' to Voldemort, and we now know that Voldemort required murders on order to create Horcruxes. There's also mention of a necklace that can't be opened when they're cleaning out the shelves.
-Further explicit forebodiness: when we first met Bode he talks in a 'sepulchral' tone.
-Umbridge is repeatedly referred to as having a toadlike appearance.
*Dolores Umbridge/Trevor shippers cheer*
-Ron always reacts to Voldemort's name, possibly establishing a time when he must overcome this fear in an explicitly pre-forebodedinessy way.

Ways To Annoy People Who Hate Harry Potter

I'm #58, #59, and #66-#68, except the stupid editor reworded them so they sound stupid. I also submitted 'Randomly grab their heads and yell "Your aura is pulsing!"' and 'Collect plugs'.

Now for some fun: name your country's own magical establishment!
Hogwarts is a spoonerism of warthogs
Durmstrang is an almost-spoonerism of Sturm und Drang, which was an old German style of writing involving an emotionally tortured protagonist who rejects normal society... hmm... ::)
And Beauxbatons is a witty spoonerism of beauxBatons, which means 'beautiful wands' or something in some language or other.
For Australia, I'm thinking: 'Pantiodeans'.

One more thing... a lot of people refer to Lupin as suffering from racist bigotry. Um, isn't the whole werewolf condition meant to represent AIDS?

I'm thinking the United States would have a wizarding school named "The Elizabeth Proctor Memorial Academy".

Werewolfism is definitely an STD! Finally, someone who agrees with me. "I'm too old...too poor...too sexually active..."  Oh Remus.  Use a condom.

 

I'm thinking the United States would have a wizarding school named "The Elizabeth Proctor Memorial Academy".

Yeah, Yanks are totally anal in that regard.
*marvels at proctology joke*

Werewolfism is definitely an STD! Finally, someone who agrees with me. "I'm too old...too poor...too sexually active..." Oh Remus. Use a condom.

^ Or Cola!

*marvels at having just made that joke in a different thread and it being even more relevant here*

*marvels at having just made that joke in a different thread and it being even more relevant here*


Silly, you know that Muggle drinks don't function correctly under high magical interference!  The Cola would simply fail to exist, and in its place...a can full of NORPLANT!!!

An armpit contraceptive... obviously these folk have advanced to the later chapters of the Kama Sutra.

“I get blamed for being bad but this kid is practicing witchcraft from a very early age which is totally unacceptable.”
-Marilyn Manson in reference to Harry Potter.

Hmm, further evidence to support how Ron will be the one who dies to save Harry? When Ron and Hermione first go off to the Prefects' Cabin, "Harry felt an odd sense of loss. He had never travelled on the Hogwarts Express without Ron."
ie. totally ignoring the fact that he was being seperated from Hermione, as this would not have as big an impact on Harry and his thing-he-will-miss-the-most.

Oh, and Neville is so going to stupidly going to breed an army of plants that are secretly Voldemort's spies.
"Don't you think it's a bit odd," said Harry, scrambling up the grassy slope, "that what Neville loves more than anything else is Herbology, and for his birthday he just happens to get a very rare Mimbulus Mimbletonia plant? Why didn't I see it before?"

I put more effort into this than any of my essays this year. And I ended up culling 20% of it from the bottom anyway.
*sigh* Holidays are taking a while to wear off. Like, 'six weeks a while'.

http://i4.photobucket.com/albums/y110/dragonangelfairy/HairyPotted.jpg

I put more effort into this than any of my essays this year. And I ended up culling 20% of it from the bottom anyway.
*sigh* Holidays are taking a while to wear off. Like, 'six weeks a while'.

http://i4.photobucket.com/albums/y110/dragonangelfairy/HairyPotted.jpg


That is AMAZING...and you've even incorporated Hormoany's Muggleborn/Neanderthalic status with an artistical lack of forehead!  ;)

Hey, who's that fat kid on the left?!? 

I HAFF BECAHM DA VIKTOR!!!

http://i4.photobucket.com/albums/y141/EmilyKatie/vickot.jpg

(Although I'm sure it doesn't take much to make it big on the Mugglenet caption contest...)

I think it would be hilarious if every single Weasley child ended up dead and the clock broke. 

AHA! THIS is why I've been going back over the books for clues:

When the DA first enter the Hog's Head, it has the smell of 'goats'. The barman is tall and thin with long grey hair, looking 'vaguely familiar' to Harry. My guess: Aberforth Dumbledore! Albus mentions in book 3 that his brother was convicted for practising inappropriate charms on a goat (though I won't go into my conspiracies over THAT matter) and that he probably can't read, so would a job as barkeeper fits in as well.
*marvels at Marvel comics*

Has anyone noticed how Harry appears to be 'down with the swirl' in relation to girlfriends? First he dates an Indian girl (Parvati Patil) then he goes for the pineapple glazing (Cho Chang) and then on to the epitome of caucasianness, the redhead (Ginny Weasely).
I reckon the only place he can go from here is a black man (Dean Thomas) before dating his future self using a Time Turner, with Voldemort and a hermaphrodite goblin on the side.

Why did the Sorting Hat put Hermione in Ravenclaw? If the end of COS tells us anything, it is our choices rather than our abilities that decide who we are/become (linking onto the prophecy later on). Hence, I think Hermione will choose the 'courageous' life of helping out house elves rather than the 'brainy' option of doing office work etc. That's where I got the idea that house elves will play a key role in the downfall of Voldemort and I REALLY. WANTED. TO. BE. RIIIIGHT!
*wails like newborn orangutan*

Harry makes up a dream that he is drowning Snape in a cauldron. Foreshadowing?



That is AMAZING...and you've even incorporated Hormoany's Muggleborn/Neanderthalic status with an artistical lack of forehead! ;)

Hey, who's that fat kid on the left?!?


Your head was a *common decencied* to fit on properly. Same with all of the necks (hence Fatty McFat on the left... baaad angle...)


I HAFF BECAHM DA VIKTOR!!!

http://i4.photobucket.com/albums/y141/EmilyKatie/vickot.jpg

(Although I'm sure it doesn't take much to make it big on the Mugglenet caption contest...)

I think it would be hilarious if every single Weasley child ended up dead and the clock broke.


I bow down to your almighty Paint skills. And snaps for getting your caption in... though I see 2 of mine got in  8)...
Mugglenet got over 2700 caption entries this week!
Stu McArthur: What, New South Wales entries?

Dumbledore's patronus is a phoenix, and not only that, but his body goes up in flames and Harry thinks he sees a phoenix fly by at the funeral.  Symbolic or literal rebirth?  I would personally love it if Harry found out that Dumbledore had indeed pulled a Fawkes and began life, once again, as an infant...

J.K. Rowling says herself that Aberforth is the barman, so you're right on track, Mr. Chuckwagon-Brattoni.  Harry caught Mundungus selling Aberforth Dumbledore stolen Black family heirlooms outside the Three Broomsticks in Hogsmeade, so I'll bet you anything Harry will have a run-in with Albus' stupid illiterate (yet still affiliated with the Order) brother in book 7. 

Pshaw. 

REALLY? I don't recall any mention of Aberforth Dumbledore in Book 6... I'll have to get my brother to bring HBP down when we next have one of our loving court-appointed partenity-visits. Drattikins, and I was feeling all proud with myself at unravelling a secret, now I feel like a total ass... mmm, such a firm, supple ass I am, too...

Yeah, there's been a lot of phoenix symbology associated with Dumbledore, though your notion that he is reborn all pink and shrivelled up is intriguing. I'm still sticking with he' s just chucking a Juliet Capulet, as Regulus Black did. Albus Dumbledore means 'white bumblebee'... are we witnessing the 'flight of the bumblebee' perhaps?

What would be tragically beautiful is if Crookshanks was Regulus Black (large, lion-like feline) and that he never knew that Sirius was an Animagus, so they communciated to each other unkowingly.

Oh yeah, I found what COULD be an error in dates: Frank Bryce would have been born in 1917 if he is 77 at the time of GOF (1994), so couldn't possibly have been in WWI. The Riddle family was killed '50 years ago' (1944) and yet Frank had already returned from 'the war' which ended a year later. Surely a 27-year old soldier would not have returned from what was an unfinished war? Unless there was some sort of Saving Private Bryce circumstance or something... Dumbledore defeated Grindelwald in 1945, which has to have some relevance. Riddle would have already killed his family around that time, too.

Oh, so it takes a well placed source to tell them hsi middle is 'Arcturus'. Where's the agonising scrutiny and guesswork in that?
http://www.hp-lexicon.org/wizards/regulus.html
If Arcturus is a 'guardian bear'... hmmm... OK, OK. Regulus KNEW that Scabbers was Pettigrew, as Pettigrew was a Death Eater spy when Regulus was a Death Eater, so he had seen him transform, but didn't know about his brother's Animagus form. He got cold feet when being asked to kill the Potters by Voldemort, and either fled to destroy the necklace Horcrux and ended up entering the death-like sleep of Dumbledore so everyone assumed Voldemort had killed him, or Voldemort... um, killed him. Then killed the Potters himself, unaware that Regulus had taken the Horcrux.

But Sirius is always the one described as bear-like... and I'm sure I've read somewhere before that Rowling made Crookshanks half-Kneazle, even if Regulus didn't register his Animagus form... ARGH! I need to start on uni work.

Mass LOLing. Last night was our first performance and the second act took TWO HOURS, after a 70 minute first act. Half the audience had left by 10:30pm. A few more left at 11pm, a few minutes before we finished. And then I had to walk the half hour home so I was utterly stuffed and collapsed into bed in my Good Charlotte-esque mascara, black fingernails and studded leather wristbands. So anyway, I was walking back to uni this morning for an early tutorial in a hoody and there's a primary school along the way. I passed a mother walking her two young kids into school and one of them looked up frightfully at me, moved in close to his mother's leg and said "It's a Dementor!"
Despite having a splitting headache, that made my day .

OK, weak prophecising here, but I have noticed a growing notion of a wizarding/Muggle convergence occuring. The first theme we are introduced to in the series is the 'normal' Muggle lifestyle of the Dursleys. Then snippets of the magical world enter it in the form of letters and owls. Next year there's a house elf in the house and a flying car. After that Sirius Black is on the news, Harry blows up his Aunt and the Night Bus turns up. Then the Weasleys actually enter the house to fetch Harry. Then there's Mundungus Fletcher, Arabella Figg and Dementors in Little Whingeing, followed by half the order taking him away on broomsticks. Then we are introduced to how the wizarding world has often influenced the ultimate of  Muggle impenetrability: the prime minister's office... and later references to Muggle killings at the hands of Voldemort are in the Daily Prophet. The Sorting Hat mentioned something about putting aside our differences and uniting against evil or whatever, so I think there may be a wizarding revelation in the Muggle world to join forces against Voldemort. Just a thought.

Seperated at birth...?

Fleur Delacour and Claire Daines:
http://i4.photobucket.com/albums/y110/dragonangelfairy/FleurDanes.jpg

Viktor Krum and Wayne Rooney:
http://i4.photobucket.com/albums/y110/dragonangelfairy/ViktorRooney.jpg

Cedric Diggory and Quentin Tarantino:
http://i4.photobucket.com/albums/y110/dragonangelfairy/CedricTarantino.jpg















..."THEIR FRIEND!!!"

Deductive Reasoning
featuring Arabella Figg and Polyjuice Potion

Point 1. Arabella Figg's house smells like cabbage.

Point 2. Polyjuice Potion smells like cabbage.

THEREFORE

Point 3. Polyjuice Potion is made out of Arabella Figg. 

Naturally, as 'figg' is latin for 'fig juice' and 'arabella' is latin for 'greasy middle-eastern terrorist'... also synonymous with 'many potions'...

Your deductive reasoning would fit finely into my philosophy course. The first lesson we were presented with the archetype basic method of logic:

1. P > Q
2. Q > R
therefore
3. P > R
and I immediately went "That doesn't work... what about situations like sciccors/paper/rock?" and it was suggested that siccors/paper/rock was flawed as paper doesn't really beat rock. So then I brought up Pokemon (as you do) and how fire types are unnaffected by plants, plants are unaffected by water and water is unaffected by fire. And so we went off on a tangent for ten minutes arguing if this basic rule of logic was flawed or not.

So, to follow on from yours...
Deductive Reasoning
featuring Arabella Figg and toast

Point 1. Arabella Figg wears carpet slippers.

Point 2. On the morning of the hearing, Harry finds that his toast is like chewing carpet.

THEREFORE

Point 3. Arabella Figg's slippers are made of toast.

Point 4. Harry went much further with Cho than just a kiss under the mistletoe...

Oooh, Mugglenet have opened up a 'lookalike' section, so I've finished off my ongoing collection of celebrity lookalikes and will send them in for scrutiny on the bounty.


Harry Potter: Elijah Wood from Sin City
http://i4.photobucket.com/albums/y110/dragonangelfairy/HarryWood.jpg

Hermione Granger: Kate Maberly from The Secret Garden
http://i4.photobucket.com/albums/y110/dragonangelfairy/HermioneKate.jpg

Ron Weasley: Haley Joel Osment from The Sixth Sense
http://i4.photobucket.com/albums/y110/dragonangelfairy/IseedeadWeasleys.jpg

Draco Malfoy: Eminem
http://i4.photobucket.com/albums/y110/dragonangelfairy/DracoMathers.jpg

Dumbledore: Saruman from Lord of the Rings
http://i4.photobucket.com/albums/y110/dragonangelfairy/DumbledoreSaruman.jpg

Professor Snape: Marilyn Manson
http://i4.photobucket.com/albums/y110/dragonangelfairy/SeverusManson.jpg

Professor McGonagall: Margaret Thatcher
http://i4.photobucket.com/albums/y110/dragonangelfairy/McThatcher.jpg

Hagrid: Tom Hanks from Castaway
http://i4.photobucket.com/albums/y110/dragonangelfairy/HagridHanks.jpg

Viktor Krum: Wayne Rooney from Manchester United
http://i4.photobucket.com/albums/y110/dragonangelfairy/ViktorRooney.jpg

Fleur Delacour: Claire Danes
http://i4.photobucket.com/albums/y110/dragonangelfairy/FleurDanes.jpg

Cedric Diggory: Quentin Tarantino
http://i4.photobucket.com/albums/y110/dragonangelfairy/CedricTarantino.jpg

The Shrunken Head: Michael Jackson
http://i4.photobucket.com/albums/y110/dragonangelfairy/ShrunkenJackson.jpg

'ANTIDOTES ARE ANTI-DON'TS UNLESS APPROVED BY A BLAH BLAH BLAH...'

Due to the double-negative there, shouldn't it be 'Antidotes are Anti-do's unless approved...'  or 'Antidotes are Anti-don'ts once approved by...'?

Neville Longbottom is repeatedly referred to as 'forgetful' and he is often nervous and timid. Ginny says that being possessed by Voldemort means that you can't remember what you've been doing for hours at a time and when Quirrel was being possessed by Voldemort, he was always twitchy and nervous.
So I have concluded... Neville Longbottom is REGULUS BLACK!

Your deductive reasoning would fit finely into my philosophy course. The first lesson we were presented with the archetype basic method of logic:

1. P > Q
2. Q > R
therefore
3. P > Q
and I immediately went "That doesn't work... what about situations like sciccors/paper/rock?" and it was suggested that siccors/paper/rock was flawed as paper doesn't really beat rock. So then I brought up Pokemon (as you do) and how fire types are unnaffected by plants, plants are unaffected by water and water is unaffected by fire. And so we went off on a tangent for ten minutes arguing if this basic rule of logic was flawed or not.

Umm, if #1 is correct, then #3 is correct simply because it is a restatement of #1 while #2 doesn't come into play...

Since fire is an action and plants and water are static, it requires limiters.  Too much water does affect plants, just like too much fire affects water.  Hence, too much of a good thing is always inversely offset by too much of a bad thing. And conversely, science is flawed because it tries to isolate elements in a non-isolatable universe, or just because you can't see the bullet or hear the bullet doesn't mean you weren't already shot.

...faeces. I meant P > R.
The Pokemon thing was... nervermind, let me try and do it this way: P, Q and R are armies with equally matched soldiers in three infantries. When they fight, they kill each other off in a 1:1 ratio. The number of men in each infantry are numbered as follows:

P= 2 6 7
Q= 1 5 9
R= 3 4 8

The smallest infantry of each army battles the smallest infantry of the opposing army, the middle fights the middle and so on. A 'win' is decided on the number of infantries defeated rather than the number of soldiers remaining.

P 'battling' Q would be 2 > 1, 6 > 5, 7 < 9.
hence P > Q on a best-out-of-three basis.

Q 'battling' R would mean 1 < 3, 5 > 4, 9 > 8.
hence Q > R on a best-out-of-three basis.

According to the logic rule, P should therefore defeat R. However:
P battling R would mean 2 < 3, 6 > 4, 7 < 8.
hence R > P despite P > Q and Q > R.
...if that makes any sense. The number of soldiers left over doesn't matter, just the number of infantries defeated.

Here, have an image of Cho Chang:
http://i4.photobucket.com/albums/y110/dragonangelfairy/Cho.jpg

...faeces. I meant P > R.
The Pokemon thing was... nervermind, let me try and do it this way: P, Q and R are armies with equally matched soldiers in three infantries. When they fight, they kill each other off in a 1:1 ratio. The number of men in each infantry are numbered as follows:

P= 2 6 7
Q= 1 5 9
R= 3 4 8

The smallest infantry of each army battles the smallest infantry of the opposing army, the middle fights the middle and so on. A 'win' is decided on the number of infantries defeated rather than the number of soldiers remaining.

P 'battling' Q would be 2 > 1, 6 > 5, 7 < 9.
hence P > Q on a best-out-of-three basis.

Q 'battling' R would mean 1 < 3, 5 > 4, 9 > 8.
hence Q > R on a best-out-of-three basis.

According to the logic rule, P should therefore defeat R. However:
P battling R would mean 2 < 3, 6 > 4, 7 < 8.
hence R > P despite P > Q and Q > R.
...if that makes any sense. The number of soldiers left over doesn't matter, just the number of infantries defeated.

Except that logically you have the same amount of 'survivors' in each scenario, so if P battles Q a 2nd time, it's an even 2:2 and likewise if P battles R it's still 2:2.  So what you've really stated is that you think they are better but you have limited them to being even.  Incidentally in software warring games, it's best to not use three units against three units.  It's better to group them all together and wipe out the competition on a 3:1 then another 3:1 and a final 3:1 leaving you will 3 units to their 0.

^ That's what I was trying to get at. Except it's 5:2 or 8:7 or whatever instead of... LOOK, IT'S THE PRINCIPLE OF THING, ALRIGHT?!!! Scissors beats paper, paper beats rock and yet rock beats scissors, regardless of what eac hof them represents. I'm sure there are football teams or whatever you can sub into the equation to show that it is not an inherent logical truth that P > Q, Q > R hence P > R, as our stupid textbook suggests. Our tutor says it's a stupid textbook too, so that settles EVERYTHING.
*stamps down foot*

Uh, FYI, humans exist as CUBICS, not entities, for the 4 corner stages of rotating human metamorphosis do not occur at the same time for the individual - except for family Cube.  One can acknowledge that a mother and baby are the same age - on opposite corners of a Cubic Creation Principle - for Truth in Opposites contradict a god entity. All creation on Earth exists between the 2 opposite poles, and if unified, would cancel and cease to exist. Humans exist only as opposites - with a zero value, for if unified, male and female would counter each other & cease to exist. Any idiot should know that a prime meridian does not just pass through the Greenwich point, but it also passes as a great circle through both poles, crossing the equator at 2 opposite points, dividing Earth into 2 halves of light and darkness, with each its own 24 hour rotation - in a single rotation of Earth. You should know that harmonic symmetry demands a second great circle meridian to create sunup and sundown corner quadrants. There are 4 simultaneous 24 hour days within a single rotation of the Earth.

Therefore, P = R.

"I could have said it better myself."

-Profaner Loopy

"I could have said it better myself."
-Profaner Loopy


"Prove it."
-Cheese

Erm... erm... here, preoccupy yourself with this atrocity:
Awful... just awful...

Erm... erm... here, preoccupy yourself with this atrocity:
Awful... just awful...


I can't seem to access the atrocity.  I suppose you'll just have to speed up your answer. 

I suppose you'll just have to speed up your answer.

Quid pro quo, biache.

8)
*Smoooooooth*

Quid pro quo, biache.

8)
*Smoooooooth*


Wha...hamina...schiggity...mamana...schw...

Damn it, you suck the proverbial moose whang.

As is the case on all days when an essay is due, I read a Potter book. Whereabouts in HBP does it say that the barman at the Hog's Head is Aberforth Dumbledore? At the point where Voldemort asks for the DADA job, Albus just says that he is 'friendy with the local barmen'. And even at the funeral, he is just described as the barman from the Hog's Head pub.

Evidence against the basin-had-Draught-of-the-Living-Dead-in-it theory: When Harry made it for Slughorn, the last colour it turned was sky-blue pink, but the liquidin the basin is emerald green.
Evidence for the basin-had-Draught-of-the-Living-Dead-in-it theory: After a few mouthfuls, Rowling writes that Dumbledore's face is twitching "as though he were deeply asleep".

Further Trelawney foreshadowings: what are the chances of pulling out four spade cards in a row and them being in an ascending order? 2 of spades: conflict. 7 of spades: Ill omen. 10 of spades: Violence. Knave of spades: Dark young man, troubled, one who dislikes the questioner. A pretty accurate depiction of the events towards the end of the book. And the lightning-struck tower card was a definite foreshadowing, as she mentioned how she had discussed her views to Dumbledore himself, which reflects how Dumbeldore won't listen to Harry's suspicions about Snape. And he has repeatedly said how the mistakes he makes tend to be much bigger than less clever folk.

Hepzibah Smith, who Voldemort killed to get the Hufflepuff cup and his mother's necklace, was a descendant of Hufflepuff. Could she be the great-grandmother or something of Zacharia Smith, the commentator twat, who is in Hufflepuff?

Double error: on page 596 (of the UK/Australia/Canada version) Harry grabs hold of the 'cold chain' and then on page 600 it's referred to as the 'cold locket'. Surely an oversight of the previously 'gold locket'... oh, and sorry to prove that Jeff's theory of the R.A.B. note being a decoy of Voldemort's and that it actually is the Horcrux, when Harry picks it up from Dumbledore's body, he notices that something is wrong before finding the note, as the necklace is different than the one in the memory and doesn't have Slytherin's "S" on it.

So Ron's birthday is March, before Harry's... and Hermione's is September 19 but she's almost a year older... so... wait a minute, the Apparation Test was for people turning 17 before August 31st... and yet both Hermione and Ron took the test around April or so... argh, this is why I dropped maths.

As is the case on all days when an essay is due, I read a Potter book. Whereabouts in HBP does it say that the barman at the Hog's Head is Aberforth Dumbledore? At the point where Voldemort asks for the DADA job, Albus just says that he is 'friendy with the local barmen'. And even at the funeral, he is just described as the barman from the Hog's Head pub.



I thought I TOLD you, J.K. Rowling didn't WRITE it, she SAID so in an interview!  Go find it on the Harry Potter Lexicon, I forget where it was. 

I am in SUCH A FOUL MOOD.  >:(

Sheesh, what's up your ass?

...oh, right, your prom date.

Sheesh, what's up your ass?

...oh, right, your prom date.


Oh no, he's clear up in the esophagus by now.  Should I be choking?  Ah, yes. 

*COUGHHACKWHEEZE*

Typical American girl, ending up with a prom date in your ass and then spitting him up minutes later.

So... did Tibbygirl fold in to the requests of Kevin?

Typical American girl, ending up with a prom date in your ass and then spitting him up minutes later.

So... did Tibbygirl fold in to the requests of Kevin?


...gew.

Not that I know of.  You have to understand, if I went with Lemmiwinks, this kid is Mickey Mouse.  Terribly homely, but so nice you can't say no to him for 2 weeks...and then he figures it out on his own.  No folding on her part.

I think I'll just go with him and make her confused. 

Awww, the poor thing. And being called Kevin ontop of everything else...
Odd request, but could you go to bed now so that I have nothing further to distract me from starting my essay?

...oh look, the entire works of Shakespeare online...

Awww, the poor thing. And being called Kevin ontop of everything else...
Odd request, but could you go to bed now so that I have nothing further to distract me from starting my essay?

...oh look, the entire works of Shakespeare online...


Only if you spin around three times while doing the Macarena and singing the Sorting Hat's song. 

I can't do that, I'm in the middle of a library!


...make it humming the Sorting Hat song and you're on.

I can't do that, I'm in the middle of a library!


...make it humming the Sorting Hat song and you're on.


You have fifteen seconds.  Go.

*immediately collapses in a heap of slumber*

^ Oooh, 5 seconds off. I got a 12:00:03 yesterday. Beatcha! Beatcha!

Bwunno Naughty.

'Twas NOT five seconds off.  I am never late.  Or early.

Bwunno Naughty indeed.

Ah, hence the equation

                                                    Emi is always
                                                    -----------------
                                                          time

As opposed to the equation

Stanislav Ianevski
------------------        = f(x) = x^2
      Emi

And speaking of which, if Fleur is truly part veela, the Weasley boys (and Harry, assuming he's invited) could have quite the bachelor party once her relatives arrived. 

^You. are. too. funny.

Sorry, but MooRocca already thought of that ages ago.

Sorry, but MooRocca already thought of that ages ago.



Inspiration!  Inspiration!  I haven't written a single piece of Potter-related fanwork, and this shall be my first:

Harry Potter and the Schism of (SENSR'D) 

Woopah!!!

...CladlessNan?
x^2
Git writin', grrrl!

Meanwhile, I, for some unknown reason (though the sugar boost I got from a hastily-scoffed lunch of confectionery and a giant cola may have somethign to do with it) was enthusiastically engaged with our practise philosophy paper, avidly studying from the textbook for an hour straight. And it was, like, enjoyable. I think any excuse to continue shirking my Russel-and-Denzel-butchering-their-acting-careers analysis that is considered 'work' makes me happy.

*continues grumbling at my worthless Aberforth revelation*

Did Dumbledore get that scar on his knee from defeating the dark wizard Grindelwald? Is he currently hiding on the underground, using the map like a Marauder's Map to evade discovery?
Sirius stayed with the Potters after leaving home, right? And james got with Lily around that time, too, right? And Aunt Petunia overheard James talking with Lily about Dementors, right? Hence James must have been at the Evans' place, right? So Sirius was probably at the Evans' place, right? And Sirius was very handsome, right?
PETUNIA EVANS 4 SIRIUS BLACK

http://i4.photobucket.com/albums/y110/dragonangelfairy/SnapeFear.jpg

*sigh* All this effort and my masterpiece saves as half the size of the original.

http://i4.photobucket.com/albums/y110/dragonangelfairy/RonCity.jpg

I should just hand this in as my essay.

http://i4.photobucket.com/albums/y110/dragonangelfairy/HermioneJayZ.jpg
Hermione/Jay-Z shippers: Yay!


In regards to not doing my essay, I think I passed inevitability 40 hours ago.
http://i4.photobucket.com/albums/y110/dragonangelfairy/HarryRonHermione.jpg

http://i4.photobucket.com/albums/y110/dragonangelfairy/TheExorsister.jpg

I had to cut/paste bits of face from the original one bit at a time. Fun-nn.
http://www.davelandweb.com/exorcist.jpg

^ LOL! 

And, because I can't end a post with chatspeak,  :).

I can only read a few symbols from your sig.  Prease exprain.

I can only read a few symbols from your sig.  Prease exprain.



Wer...

The more you ruv someone
The more you want to kir dem
The more you ruv someone
The more he make you cly
Though you at cly for making peace wid dem and ruvving
That's why you ruv so strong you rike to make him die!

Get it?

"Hurry up, Remus," snarled Black, who was still watching Scabbers with a horrible sort of hunger on his face.

"I'm getting there, Sirius, I'm getting there..."

Yes. Asian people talk funny.

Yes. Asian people talk funny.


Said Steve Irwin to Dolly Parton. 

That's below belt.
Please remain there.
x^2

That's below belt.
Please remain there.
x^2


To be honest, I was planning on it.  Nice and roomy down here.

(Como se dice *suh-wish* en ingles...)

Wrong side.

*gerbils guffaw*

Wrong side.

*gerbils guffaw*


No it's not. 

Is too times infinite and the golden padlock, swallow the key and jump into the magma of Mordor!
*childish raspberry cordial*

...wh...well, yeah, so what, this has nothing to do with Harry Potter ANYWAAAAYS!

*Arwenpout!'d*

GAME OVER, LUKE!
KEEP TRY!

GAME OVER, LUKE!
KEEP TRY!


So sorry, dude.

http://www.campushook.com/hookimg/1/160473.photothumb.jpg

^ Ah, back on topic, I see.
Yes, eating your hat in show of supporting the Irish Quidditch side often has that nasty tongue effect.
And the green cheek mole growth.
And the becoming a guy thing.

The Aussie Quidditch side would be The Broomers. (after The Boomers... slang for kangaroos)

^ Ah, back on topic, I see.
Yes, eating your hat in show of supporting the Irish Quidditch side often has that nasty tongue effect.
And the green cheek mole growth.
And the becoming a guy thing.

The Aussie Quidditch side would be The Broomers. (after The Boomers... slang for kangaroos)



The U.S. Quidditch team would be called The Yankees.  Because, duh, the Yankees rock.

Yankees rock? Sorry, never heard of it.
Is it like Mount Rushmore?

Yankees rock? Sorry, never heard of it.
Is it like Mount Rushmore?


...goodnight, Luke.

Ahhhh... Avenue Q. I've heard of that, it's with Sesame Street puppets and some lady who plays Gary Coleman or something.
That just adds a whole new level of dramatic irony.
And way to change your Potter quote after a new page was up. You're lucky I scrolled back and found it.

"Sirius, NO!" Lupin yelled, launching himself forwards and dragging Black away from Ron again.
"WAIT! You can't do it just like that..."
"Just keep a tight hold on Peter..."
Harry caught him and pushed him back down to the bed.
"Other parents weren't likely to want their children exposed to me... but then Dumbledore became Headmaster, and he was sympathetic. He said that as long as we took certain precautions... my body was still wolfish, but my mind seemed to become less so while I was with them."
But your father, who'd heard what Sirius had done, went after Snape and pulled him back, at great risk to his life..." 



 

Finally, found what I was looking for.
Like, a week late.
http://i4.photobucket.com/albums/y110/dragonangelfairy/TheCheatEmi.jpg

Why are the letters 'S' and 'A' stuck in my head?
S... A...
S... A...
S... A...

...meh, off to drama rehearsals.

Imelda Staunton will make a groovy Professor Umbridge.
Roz from Monsters Inc should be understudy.

http://www.the-original.net/monsters/extras/roz02b.jpg

I like your theory about dumbledore being alive, I strained myself to figure out how he could be and couldnt think of anything, but your theory makes sense, But about Harry being a Horcrux, I don't think it's possible because the propecy says "neither can live while the other survives" or something, not "one must sacrifice himself to kill another" or "both must die to kill one"

Oh I noticed a nice conspiracy myself, that may or may not be true. If you look at the book, you see harry on the little island in the middle of the lake getting the horcrux. If you look on the back of the book you see Ron, Hermione, and Ginny's torsos, their lower bodies hidden in water. That would mean they are in the lake, the lake full of dead people. Are Ron, Hermione, and Ginny going to die?

P.S. Its easier to notice on the cardboard cutouts that say "who is the half blook prince? Find out in __ days"

^ Are you an American? Cuz I'm an Australian and don't know what image you're talking about. We get different book covers, so probably had different advertising here, too.

Oh interesting. Yeah I'm an american, heres the front:

http://images.barnesandnoble.com/images/9190000/9196145.jpg

And heres the back:

http://images.barnesandnoble.com/images/9920000/9925084.jpg

If you assume the back is a continuation of the front image you can see Ron, Hermione, and Ginny are in the lake.

...hmm, the back to me looks like Hogwarts. A motif of HBP is the 'mist' that Dementors spread throughout the land to symbolise the growing sense of fear and conflict of the magical world, so I think that's the green haze the three are submerged in, not the lake.

Nice theory, though.

Well yeah that's what your supposed to think but it me be a double meaning, or I could be crazy.

http://www.mugglenet.com/viewer/?image_location=gof/officialposter_highres.jpg

Is it me or has Emma Watson grown another forehead?
And I thought Ron was supposed to be taller than the other two.

She seems to be pissed about it too.

Why is Ron always depicted as the sisbaby?  He looks less than valiant in every movie poster I've seen of the poor guy... I mean, you'd think that Harry would be the pitiable whiner. 

Obviously you're not down with the conventions of Dang & Strurm or whatever that German textual genre was.
It specifically requires a brooding protagonist who's 60 points of courage overcomes evil, a cranially-erudite female associate and the whiny pussRobin sidekick.

Because they're worth it.
Snape: too sexy.

^ mugglenet whore.

Right, discrepancies in the COS movie:

*Ginny would have been much to short to daub 'The Chamber yada yada enemies of the heir beware' that high up on the wall.
*The same handwriting is used in Tom Riddle's diary as Hermione's 'pipes' on the Basilisk page.
*The circular door to the Chamber opens outwards, hence the dramatic unopening of the snakey-lock things was unnecessary, Harry could have just pulled the door open.
*After Fawkes blinds the Basilisk, Riddle says it can 'still hear you'. Last I heard, snakes are deaf, they only sense movement vibrations.
*Dammit, if there's so much emphasis put on how Harry's choices put him in Gryffindor over Slytherin, I still strongly feel that to justify Hermione being placed in Gryffindor, she chooses saving house elves over academic pursuits. Inconsistency, I tells ya!
*'Anvil sized hints'... when Malfoy calls Hermione a Mudblood, Ron is the first to react by trying the slug spell. Later, when Malfoy says he hopes the next Mudblood to be killed is Granger, Ron/Crabbe stands up angrily.
(Hmm, Harry/Goyle blurts "You're wrong!" when Malfoy insults Dumbledore, so perhaps there's something going on there... 'Dumbeldore's man through and through' indeed...)

Oh I noticed a nice conspiracy myself, that may or may not be true. If you look at the book, you see harry on the little island in the middle of the lake getting the horcrux. If you look on the back of the book you see Ron, Hermione, and Ginny's torsos, their lower bodies hidden in water. That would mean they are in the lake, the lake full of dead people. Are Ron, Hermione, and Ginny going to die?

P.S. Its easier to notice on the cardboard cutouts that say "who is the half blook prince? Find out in __ days"


i also have no idea wat ur on

in the biritish books, front is gharry and dumbledore encricled by flames or suomething

back is a pik of the 'island' and the font thing glowing n the glowing aswell

"Harry Potter and the Oral, Gross Uncleanness" chapter one complete.

Too bad I left it at Alex's house. 

"Harry Potter and the Oral, Gross Uncleanness" chapter one complete.


Groovy.


Too bad I left it at Alex's house. 


Sushi.

*Ginny would have been much to short to daub 'The Chamber yada yada enemies of the heir beware' that high up on the wall.



uh..shes on a ladder

uh..shes on a ladder



I'd like to think that, given Tom Riddle's crazy mofo DarkArts powers, she was levitating, i.e. "The Exorcist" or "Peter Pan". 

Have you seen Charlie and the Chocolate Factory? Violet Beauregarde does a animated-like-Gollum-on-crack, Exorcist-esque spider-crawl down the stairs. It's meant to be funny, but I would have been seriously freaked out if I was a kid watching that bit.

I'd like to think that, given Tom Riddle's crazy mofo DarkArts powers, she was levitating, i.e. "The Exorcist" or "Peter Pan". 


Umm, couldn't she just use a wand?

I'd like to think that, given Tom Riddle's crazy mofo DarkArts powers, she was levitating, i.e. "The Exorcist" or "Peter Pan". 
so wat was that ladder thing she was standing on?

In Riddle's big revelation at the end with the wavy flashback to accentuate Ginny's state of mind or whatever, there's a shot of Ginny daubing the wall with her finger. I suppose she could've Wingarium Leviosad herself, but it was inconsistent when the 'skeleton' message was then done at hip level.

And we all know Muggle ladders don't function properly within the walls of Hogwarts... they turn into galloping maniacs.


Hmm... eeny meeny miny mo...
http://i4.photobucket.com/albums/y110/dragonangelfairy/DelacourSoeurs.jpg

In Riddle's big revelation at the end with the wavy flashback to accentuate Ginny's state of mind or whatever, there's a shot of Ginny daubing the wall with her finger. I suppose she could've Wingarium Leviosad herself, but it was inconsistent when the 'skeleton' message was then done at hip level.

And we all know Muggle ladders don't function properly within the walls of Hogwarts... they turn into galloping maniacs.


Hmm... eeny meeny miny mo...
http://i4.photobucket.com/albums/y110/dragonangelfairy/DelacourSoeurs.jpg


Catch a snooty veela ho.
Pick her sister? Sick mofo!

Then I suppose Muggle clothing would turn into chicken gravy?  Maybe that's why Hermione's so unexpectedly popular. 

Catch a snooty veela ho.
Pick her sister? Sick mofo!

She's sixteen. Too anile, yo!



Then I suppose Muggle clothing would turn into chicken gravy?  Maybe that's why Hermione's so unexpectedly popular. 


Indeed.

Nice. 

;D

Luke, you are the joy of my life. 

Oh wait, that's Stanisalv Eivanebskivski Ivanesvki guy.

And he thinks HERMIONE is hard to pronounce?!?

Hmm, as opposed to: 'Luke'.
Try it again now, with feeling this time... 'Luke'.

About Freaking Time Award goes to:
http://www.mugglenet.com/misc/spoofs/fanposters.shtml

Runner Up:
That Potter parody you mentioned earlier. Postitpostitpostit!

About freaking time indeed!  "The Exorsister" will never stop being funny.  Ever. 

As for that other...thingy. 

Alex and I broke up.  I tore up his picture.  He tore up my Pottery goodness.  No joke.  That stupid fudge.

There is only one thing that can console myself, and that is imitating you, Luke.  Incessantly.  But to no avail anyway.  Poop.

http://i4.photobucket.com/albums/y141/EmilyKatie/duelingclub.jpg

Well, I did warn you. Alexes are nothing but trouble. (And sibling binary-power-reversing hunks of popularity once they turn 16 and start weighing more than you.)

"Ginny, listen. I can't be involved with you any more."
"It's for some stupid, noble reason, isn't it?"
"No... mainly the projectile vomiting, inverted-spider-walking down staircases and masturbating with my broomstick."


There is only one thing that can console myself, and that is imitating you, Luke.  Incessantly.  But to no avail anyway.  Poop.

http://i4.photobucket.com/albums/y141/EmilyKatie/duelingclub.jpg


Aww, well it's nice to know I can be console-worthy for such occasions.
I barely made out your witty tag line, however. Try saving images at www.ringo.com *sound of Madame Pariah's ears pricking* and then doing a right-click 'Save As' once it's converted to jpeg format. Same bitmap size, much less kilobyteage.
Heh heh. Brooding Draco.

*sound of Madame Pariah's ears pricking*


Oh god, please stop reminding me that you KNOW WHO THAT IS.

The funny thing was, 'Madame Pariah' who commented on one of my parodies was of no relation to 'The Pariah' from the forum.  I asked her about it, and she had never heard of AmIRight until you showed up and revealed my webslutness. 

*grumblegoogles 'close friends of Brattoni'*

*grumblegoogles 'close friends of Brattoni'*


*has revelation that Brattoni has no friends*

*has revelation that Brattoni has no friends*



Even better - *First result is "I Got Crabs From Darth Vader". Is satisfied.*

*corrr tchhh* "Luke, oozing drawers!"

*corrr tchhh* "Luke, oozing drawers!"


Yummy.  

25 DAYS 2 HOURS 26 MINUTES AND 30 SECONDS UNTIL GoF!!! (rough estimate)

Let it be known that I, for a brief 2 minutes, was on the high-score list for the Avoid Mad-Eye's Mad Eye game.

Heh...heh.

Woah, that nonna burger looks surprisingly like Emi-nonna (in future this title could get very confusing), the glasses and hair are almost identical... except Emi-nonna has legs like a twenty year old marathon runner, so they'd be tough nibblin's.

Don't remind me that we tardy Aussies have to wait until December. My girlpals think The Exorcism of Emily Rose looks too fwightening from the trailer.

You know how in cricket they do slow-motion replay on how many splits of a second it takes for a wicket keeper to stump a batsman when he steps over the line? (Of course not, ruddy Americans...) Well, I'd like one for my snappy wit... all my classmates would wholeheartedly agree from my comebacks to Snape-like English teacher Mr Jones. Anyway, back to my horn-tooting: when we put on WASP Saturday night our director couldn't make it, so sent us all a good luck SMS, but only via one cast member. So all the others started paying her out as sleeping her way into the play and getting special treatment yada yada. Upon demanding to see the message to check for smoochy sentiments et al, Pat quipped "Oh, he's sent it to 'Cast'. Is 'Cast' his little nickname for you?"
...and here is where, within splits of a second, I added: "Yeah, cuz she's always hanging off his arm."
Splits. Of a second.
*completes horn-tooting with a jazzy solo*

;D

Splits. Of a second.
*completes horn-tooting with a jazzy solo*


Oh, whoop-de-dizzle, ma nizzle.  Just the other day I had a nanosecond retort of my own:

Very Attractive Male Senior President of NHS: Before we begin, let me just clarify something.  Being NHS President, I'll take anything from anyone, including suggestions and concerns.

Me, Reluctant Vice-President:  (a little too hopefully) Does that include virginity? 

I never knew you were a member of National Handicapped Sports.
*stopwatch click*
Oooooooh, I need to work on pacing my Caps Lock transitions.
*waterbottled*

Vices get no respect. I was vice-house captain in primary school and vice-house captain in high school. Basically it was me doing the math on who best to put into the revered relay finals at the end of the day based on actual speed rather than popularity, and churning out loads of whimsical war cries (funnily enough, my primary school ones had more purile innuendo and swearing at the opposition than my high school ones) and of couse, then the captains will alway step in at the last moment to look like they've been working on everything all along. So my advice (ho ho) is to acquire a Gareth-like lackey to do everything, hence perpetuating the system of abusing power like a true American.

OK, I've read HPB twice now and am brimming with hypotheses. Feel free to join in with your own outlandish conspiracy theories.


#1. Sirius' brother took the necklace Horcrux (initials R.A.B?) Harry will either find it in Grimmauld Place (which he has now inherited) or, more likely, it would have been stolen and sold off by Mundungus Fletcher.

#2. Dumbledore's hand was blackened by lifting the Unbreakable Vow from Snape. Rowling's emphasis on non-verbal spells throughout the book could lead up to the fact that Snape yelled 'Avada Kedavra' whilst simply levitating Dumbledore off the edge of the tower with a non-verbal spell. However, to continue the curse of DADA teachers never lasting more than a year, he will have to go into hiding to maintain the illusion of Dumbledore's death. By keeping the truth from even Harry, Dumbledore can ensure the element of surprise in returning to fight Voldemort.

#3. Dumbledore said that it was possible to use animals as Horcruxes. Hence it is plausible that people could also be used. Hence I conclude, from all of the character traits and abilities that Harry shares with Voldermort, that HE is actually a Horcrux (and that is why Voldemort was drained of power in performing the spell on him as a baby without him being killed.) Voldemort simply 'marked him as equal' by imprinting the 7th part of his soul in Harry, making it a dramatic end as Harry realises the only way of completely destroying Voldemort is by killing himself.

#4. House elves play a role in fighting Voldemort. Kreacher and Dobby were able to Apparate and Disapparate within the Hogwarts walls when security was tightened 'ten fold'... surely they hold hidden powers capable of fighting wizards. If indeed Hogwarts is closed for the following year, the elves will be free from their bonds of enslavement and join Hermione's S.P.E.W as an army.


I'm done for now. Hit me with your enlightening views!



Finally finished the book last week. Wowsers, Luke! I think you hit quite a few nails on the head. #3 is especially potent, my wife thought the exact same thing before I did. #2 is a little iffy--however, there is absolutely no confirmation that there any body disappeared, so maybe...and at this point, I am still not 100% convinced that Snape is purely evil.

http://www.mugglenet.com/viewer/?image_location=gof/officialposter_highres.jpg

And I thought Ron was supposed to be taller than the other two.


It's perspective, he is probably 2 or 3 steps behind Harry & Hermione and they are on an incline.

BTW, for you slightly pervy HP fans...(relax, no nudity)
http://www.jonnydigital.com/hermione.php

Nice to see this thread has found a new contributor... at this rate, we'll have tripled our membership by 2007!

I find this a prime example of how flawed images.google.com is. Of the thousands upon thousands of Warner Bros-owned images on the net, this is the fifth one shown for a search of Hermione:
http://www.warbirds.jp/sudo/apa_tama/hermione.jpg

Not to mention the utterly irrelevant pictures you get when trying to find images of something like 'oil spill', 'heavy weight' or any other combination that brings up about twelve relevant images and then thousands of completely unrelated ones.

That's kinda nasty. If it was a photo, we'd get in big trouble. :o

Not as much as some of the 'Gabrielle' shots that come up on the opening page...

Major arghness at the moment. Exam Wednesday for a subject I have not looked at for the past six weeks. Major essay Thursday.
Repeat process for next week.
But of course, having yet to start an essay due last week, everything's getting smooshed forward.

Pat's favourite Dictioaedia entry thus far:
air chamber/air cha'ym be'r/(n) a cell used to contain Jews in some of the less formidable Nazi concentration camps

Not as much as some of the 'Gabrielle' shots that come up on the opening page...

Major arghness at the moment. Exam Wednesday for a subject I have not looked at for the past six weeks. Major essay Thursday.
Repeat process for next week.
But of course, having yet to start an essay due last week, everything's getting smooshed forward.

Pat's favourite Dictioaedia entry thus far:
air chamber/air cha'ym be'r/(n) a cell used to contain Jews in some of the less formidable Nazi concentration camps


Bah, school.  'Skept me off the computer for weeks. 

Nothing - not wind, nor rain, nor a thousand pickled olives - is keeping me from going to GoF.  I'm out of town with a bunch of friends, and I'm ditching all eight AND the guy they were going to set me up with in exchange for the Pottery Goodness (I'll bet he was ugly anyway). 

Harry Potter - Keeping people single since 1999.

Bah, school.¦nbsp; 'Skept me off the computer for weeks.¦nbsp;

Hmm, I'm the exact opposite. Pretty much the only reason I come to uni is in order to use the Net. Which for me is about 88% of my waking hours. So the money being spent on classes I'm meant to be going to is balanced out by my Internetyness each and every day. All. Year.

Our Romeo & Juliet director is so unsubtle in her undying affection for me. Way to go and broadcast it to the other thirty five odd members of the play. How embarrassing.

I relished using "impudent strumpet" as a cussword all throughout the HSC last year.
That, and "cockchafer".
William Shakespeare, linguistic genius indeed.


Harry Potter - Keeping people single since 1999.

Well, that's been my excuse, anyway.

Pat, in a brooding post-musical, post-breakup, post-stayed-up-all-night-at-the-post-musical-afterparty, Sunday-evening malaise, on the long train ride home: "Oh Nib, promise me you'll stay celibate."

I think I just turned green for a moment.
Australia gets GOF December 1.
NEW ZEALAND GETS IT NOVEMBER 24????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

To put it in perspective, this is like Canada getting to watch the Superbowl a week before the US gets it.

I think I just turned green for a moment.
Australia gets GOF December 1.
NEW ZEALAND GETS IT NOVEMBER 24????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

To put it in perspective, this is like Canada getting to watch the Superbowl a week before the US gets it.


What Superbowl?

I dunno... some obscure reference I saw in the Simpsons ages ago. Don't you guys go whacko every year regarding some bowl?

P.S. HOW'D YOU ALMOST DIE? *reclinin'-with-popcorn-n-soda'd*

Ooooh, animated Santahat smileys!  :D Grab a coffee, this'll be a long one:
OK. Right. Yep. So. GOF. Indeed. Uh-huh. Yeah. OK.

WARNING: SPOILERS... oh wait, every other country on Earth got the film a fortnight ago.
Loved:
The opening shot of Nagini slithering out of a skull's mouth.
Harry getting poleaxed by the panicking crowd.
The Beauxbatons' entrance. (Sighing "Ahhhhh!" whilst-gesturing-silky-shoulderedly will soon catch on as the new hot pick-up line. Flittering moths are a must.)
The great acting of the extras! So much more screen-time was focused on minor characters and crowd reactions etc., which accentuated that whole 'community' atmosphere they were trying to hammer home at the end.
Mad Eye Moody's classroom scene. A great transition from everyone laughing at one another's expense to the guilty silence of the window/bucket bits. Done perfectly. (Moody can also hurl one mean chunk of chalk.)
Harry getting poleaxed on the rocks in Task 1.
"Piss off!" ...got a collective gasp from the crowd.
Pretty much all the tense Ron/Harry scenes.
Everything Neville... I'll be ripping off "Oh no, I've killed Harry Potter!" for weeks to come.
The brilliant awkward timing of Harry and Ron's hesitation to talk to the 'pack' of girls.
THE RANDOM KID!!! He had 'Kevin' scrawled all over him!
Voldemort scene was good.
The awkward transition from applause to realisation in the crowd, when Harry and Cedric return, was brilliant.

Didn't like:
Um, older Weasley brothers?
Narrative line was a bit too jumpy for the first fifteen minutes, which cut sharply from scene to scene without the style of transition shots that Cuaron used in POA (like the Whomping Willow, clock cogs etc.) 
QUIDDITCH WORLD CUP?!
Filch getting so much screen time. I seriously think his agent must have some sway with the producers or something, because he's the character used as title screen for the COS DVD, which is odd considering he's such a minor role. 
The 'licking of the lips' clue in the flashback was waaay too obvious.
The Eloise Midgen character added nothing to the storyline, seeing as her prominent part should have been in COS.
Dumbledore was way too physically active in this film. He skipped up onto stage to address the hall, manhandled Harry, slumped on the ground when in thought... he's just meant to stand regally and dish out convenient plot points, fer cryin' out loud!
Hermione's melodramatic tanty after the ball. "Ron, you ruined everything!" *teary breakdown on the stairs* ...um, whaaaa?
Snape and McGonagall seemed out of character this film.
Weasley twins talking in unison. Once was bad enough. Just... no. (Ironically I didn't mind the Patil twins' synchronised speech at all...)
Really bad underwater wax-like models.
Cho's accent. Yeuccch.

Completely undecided over how I should react:
The whole deal of Barty Crouch Jr being there from the start, and seeing him shoot up the Dark Mark. I was flummoxed as how to react. We aren't meant to know anything about him until the end! THE END!!!
Rita Skeeter scenes. Didn't particularly love 'em, though I can't really find fault.
The whole "You might lose yourself" theme of the maze. What was so bad with sticking with sphinxes and flippy-gas? It did bring a nice little sub-motif to the ending, though, so... nah, I'm still undecided on this one...
Anything culled from the original plot (house elves, Harry being able to put off Imperius, Barty Crouch Jr's story etc.) was jarring, but much more of the original subplots were kept in GOF than POA. Being almost twice as long may have had something to with it, though. Cuaron did POA in shorter time than Columbus did PS, and the size of the book must be almost twice as long! Obviously culling stuff was inevitable, but I so wouldn't have minded sitting another half hour and gotten all of the historical context and so on into the film.