Chapter 1
…………………………
“ Lisa, when I look in your eyes, I want to buy all the gin and vodka in the world, and just chug them all down.”

“Are you saying I’m so disgusting that you need to numb yourself to forget how I exist?” the actress playing Lisa said.

“No my love, I need to numb my feelings so that I don’t have to face all the mistakes I made in the past towards you!” 

    The two actors, trying to remember their lines, were in a big house and their characters unsure of the future of their relationship. The script of the film described the sky to be grey and depressing, and the leaves outside falling from a changing of the seasons. Kevin, the actor saying his lines with Lisa, looked annoyed, impatient, and extremely disgusted. Whoever wrote the script should’ve been fired. Who in the hell would say When I look in your eyes I want to chug down alcohol? No my love? Who says my love anymore? It also didn’t help that the director probably thought that Kevin should get run over by a truck. Kevin felt he had wanted to scream the whole day on set. Chug, chug? Who would say that to a catch like Lisa?   

    Kevin was ready to collapse in a heap. They had been filming for ten hours, with only a half hour break in the middle. He was starting to feel like he could curse at anyone if they gave him a funny look or spilled a drop of coffee on his yellow flannel shirt. And it didn’t matter if the shirt was from the set and not his, for now feeling on edge was an understatement and he was operating on a short fuse. He was sure Ann, the young woman playing Lisa was feeling the same way, though she and everybody else hid it well. 

    It was part of the lifestyle; filming for hours at a time, sometimes not getting enough sleep, or to top it all off, having just read a scathing article about yourself in a magazines just a few minutes before filming a scene, and imagine having to act like you just won a trip to Barbados. The film reviews, in Kevin’s opinion, bring out his worse insecurities about his future in acting and his fuel for going on. They were his worst enemy and on days with only three hours of sleep, seemed relentless.

    Kevin remembered the last article written about one of his films two years ago. It was a cutting review of his previous film Omelets and Prune Juice, a dramatic role about a prince who used to be a vampire. The reviewer wrote that Kevin was like an empty headed blowup doll that had so much air in its head, there was not much room for anything else. Kevin went back to his trailer that day from filming, wanting to throw the reviewer into a tractor. This kind of brutal reprimand of Kevin and his acting had been going on now for the past few years from his detractors.

    Kevin’s movies not only had been slammed by critics, but his fans alike also questioned his current direction. And his numbers at the box office hasn’t been helping either. His past six movies have all either performed disappointingly in theatres or have completely bombed with audiences all over the world. His numbers have been slipping steadily for the past five years. All these circumstances combined together made for an anxious and brooding actor, but if he played his cards right, the current state of his career could be used to propel him to a higher plane. If the storylines in his films got better, how could people not notice how he had grown as an artist, especially compared to his films when he was a lot younger or his shirtless scenes in movies when he was twenty two? 

    Kevin was still thinking things through as he was blurting out his lines with Ann, her blonde hair blowing slightly from the fan in the background. The two characters were fighting in this scene, but in real life Kevin and Ann’s conversations were a lot more tame and friendly then this. They talked often and haven’t found each other disagreeable yet. The filming went on for a few more seconds until the director yelled, “Okay, cut!”   

    Mark, the director looked like he was on the verge of exploding, he looked as if he was so livid he would go start his car and run over everyone on the set, with his feet steadily planted on the accelerator. Mark gave a quick glance around at the crew then looked at Kevin.

    “Kevin, can you put more feeling in your words please? It feels like someone gave you a lobotomy last night!”

    “Mark, I’m doing the best I can, I think the script could use a little smoothing out.” Kevin stood there for a few second with his huge arms crossed and his dark hair contrasting vividly with the white painted walls of the set house.

    “Well, too bad you’re not the writer and I can’t do anything about it! Now come on, this time with a lot more feeling.”
And Mark got the clapping board and both parts of the board came together, “Action.”

    “But what shall we tell our friends? They’re so happy to see we’ve lasted this long, that we had something! Should I tell them we no longer need each other? Your face turns pale when I try to even touch you,” Kevin belted.

    “Tell them I’m numb; tell them my time of waiting has come to an end. My patience has shrunk to the size of a thread,” Ann said.

    “Fine, I just need a day, a day to get used to the idea of you not being in my life. At least I no longer have to hear you rubbing my mistakes in my face....”

    “Cut, cut,” Mark said.

    “What is it this time? He said the lines perfectly!” Ann shouted.

    “It was almost perfect, but Ann can you look a little more impatient this time? You’re agitated, but not agitated enough. Your boyfriend has done you wrong many times and now Lisa’s had it with her fiancé. Oh, and Kevin that was perfect, you played Jethro perfectly that time! Just repeat what you did and this scene will be stupendous.”     

Critique if you like, but be gentle it's my first time! ;D

Try to be objective, neutral, but if you genuinely see anything good say it too.  ;)

It didn't take long for me to picture or imagine the characters in the story...which is a good thing. I wanted to keep reading.  :)

I'm just riffing as I read:

First suggestion: in the opening don't tell us Lisa's a character right away...  Just say says Lisa instead of the actress playing Lisa...

It lets us think we're meeting two"people" but instead we've just met the "characters" they will play.

2nd: Unless you're revealing the events unfolding are a flashback you should try and write the stuff on set in  present tense. They are instead of the were....


Omelettes and Prune Juice  ;D



A book about people making a movie....color me intrigued. I know it's not easy but keep plugging away.

I'm just riffing as I read:

First suggestion: in the opening don't tell us Lisa's a character right away...  Just say says Lisa instead of the actress playing Lisa...

It lets us think we're meeting two"people" but instead we've just met the "characters" they will play.

2nd: Unless you're revealing the events unfolding are a flashback you should try and write the stuff on set in  present tense. They are instead of the were....


Omelettes and Prune Juice  ;D



A book about people making a movie....color me intrigued. I know it's not easy but keep plugging away.


I will respond more deeply to your comment tonight or some time tomorrow. I have work until 10 at night.

But yes Omelets and Prunejuice!  ;D

So far I like your critique.  :)

It didn't take long for me to picture or imagine the characters in the story...which is a good thing. I wanted to keep reading.  :)


Yeah.  :)

I noticed a few minor grammar errors, but otherwise your syntax seemed to be fairly solid.

My only real suggestion is you may want to consider switching some of your passive voice to active voice to strengthen the piece more.

:)

It is interesting! Remember not to edit yourself too much at first though-it destroys the creative process for most people.Get your down and dirty rough draft first and after that, refine, edit, refine.

Keep going, I want to find out what happens!  :)

I'm just riffing as I read:

First suggestion: in the opening don't tell us Lisa's a character right away...  Just say says Lisa instead of the actress playing Lisa...

It lets us think we're meeting two"people" but instead we've just met the "characters" they will play.

2nd: Unless you're revealing the events unfolding are a flashback you should try and write the stuff on set in  present tense. They are instead of the were....


Omelettes and Prune Juice  ;D



A book about people making a movie....color me intrigued. I know it's not easy but keep plugging away.


Good call, snoz.

80sfan...

I'm not sure what you want your style to be (whether you are going for more drama or comedy). What I would probably suggest is imply Kevin's tiredness, anxiety and frustration rather than outright say it? Personally, I'm a big fan of understatement because it sucks the reader in and it can always be cranked up at a later part of the novel. In my head, I am feeling Kevin is building up to a mental crescendo rather than the storm happening already so I'm thinking; 'where else can you can go when you say Kevin wants to run everybody down with his foot firmly on the accelerator?' All you can do is say alternatives to that effect until Kevin, if he does decide to do/say something, goes past the point of no return.

Your story mentioned that Kevin is suffering because of the bad press he has had. Maybe show it with a small indication rather than saying outright in the narrative? It makes the situation more tense.

I think your story has a great premise, great potential and I really look forward to the next installment. Well done, 80sfan and thank you for showing us your hard work. :)

very nicely done.  :)

I noticed a few minor grammar errors, but otherwise your syntax seemed to be fairly solid.

My only real suggestion is you may want to consider switching some of your passive voice to active voice to strengthen the piece more.

:)


I would appreciate it if you pointed out these grammar errors.  :D

very nicely done.  :)


Thanks Howard.  8)

It is interesting! Remember not to edit yourself too much at first though-it destroys the creative process for most people.Get your down and dirty rough draft first and after that, refine, edit, refine.

Keep going, I want to find out what happens!  :)


Yes, I heard of this!

I noticed a few minor grammar errors, but otherwise your syntax seemed to be fairly solid.

My only real suggestion is you may want to consider switching some of your passive voice to active voice to strengthen the piece more.

:)


Can you give me a an example of a active and passive voice?

Good call, snoz.

80sfan...

I'm not sure what you want your style to be (whether you are going for more drama or comedy). What I would probably suggest is imply Kevin's tiredness, anxiety and frustration rather than outright say it? Personally, I'm a big fan of understatement because it sucks the reader in and it can always be cranked up at a later part of the novel. In my head, I am feeling Kevin is building up to a mental crescendo rather than the storm happening already so I'm thinking; 'where else can you can go when you say Kevin wants to run everybody down with his foot firmly on the accelerator?' All you can do is say alternatives to that effect until Kevin, if he does decide to do/say something, goes past the point of no return.

Your story mentioned that Kevin is suffering because of the bad press he has had. Maybe show it with a small indication rather than saying outright in the narrative? It makes the situation more tense.

I think your story has a great premise, great potential and I really look forward to the next installment. Well done, 80sfan and thank you for showing us your hard work. :)


Kevin is kinda bugged out by how his career is stalling as of this chapter and maybe for at least the first half of the book, maybe more. He probably has an IQ of 90-95, barely average. He's an extremely hansom guy to girls, but doesn't use his brain enough. He's insecure and he might or might not have the ability to go deeper with his acting. He doesn't or does have the depth. I keep the latter sentence an open door, 'cause if I reveal too much, the rest of the story is revealed, plus the rest of the story might have only partly to do with this current movie he's filming.

Of course, I'm not perfect, this is my first book. I plan for this book to be a thriller, having a bit of comedy in it. But mostly a thriller. Not Stephen King thriller, but kinda Vertigo (Alfred Hitchcock) or The Raven (Edgar Allen Poe) type thriller. It might seem like a romantic comedy at first, but as chapters go on, I plan for it to become a bit darker.

-Peace!-

Can you give me a an example of a active and passive voice?


I think means instead of saying Kevin looked annoyed or mark looked like he was on the verge of exploding have them actually BE livid. And BE on the verge if exploding.

I think it's a great first attempt and more power to you for having the courage to post it here.
Hopefully we're helping and not hurting you  :)

Right now it feels like you're describing the scene to us. Keeping us as casual observers rather than letting us experience it with the characters. I think that's what inertia means by the passive voice.

Can you give me a an example of a active and passive voice?


Passive voice occurs when you use "to be" verbs in writing such as: is, was, are, were, has been, had been, will be, will have been, was being, and such. It is not a grammatical error, but it can weaken the overall feel of your writing. I quoted the following from a website which may better explain the point I am trying to make:

"In the active voice, the subject and verb relationship is straightforward: the subject is a be-er or a do-er and the verb moves the sentence along. In the passive voice, the subject of the sentence is neither a do-er or a be-er, but is acted upon by some other agent or by something unnamed (The new policy was approved). Computerized grammar checkers can pick out a passive voice construction from miles away and ask you to revise it to a more active construction. There is nothing inherently wrong with the passive voice, but if you can say the same thing in the active mode, do so (see exceptions below). Your text will have more pizzazz as a result, since passive verb constructions tend to lie about in their pajamas and avoid actual work."

I can give you some examples:

Passive Voice:

1. Angela was walking to the store.
2. The clock was striking twelve in the sleepy town of Benton.
3. Atticus was going to participate in the race.
4. Henry was certain he locked the door.
5. Walking past the cafe, Georgiana was surprised to discover she lost her keys.

Active Voice:

1. Angela walked to the store.
2. The clock struck twelve in the sleepy town of Benton.
3. Atticus decided to participate in the race.
4. Henry felt certain he locked the door.
5. Walking past the cafe, Georgiana discovered she lost her keys.

I think means instead of saying Kevin looked annoyed or mark looked like he was on the verge of exploding have them actually BE livid. And BE on the verge if exploding.

I think it's a great first attempt and more power to you for having the courage to post it here.
Hopefully we're helping and not hurting you  :)

Right now it feels like you're describing the scene to us. Keeping us as casual observers rather than letting us experience it with the characters. I think that's what inertia means by the passive voice.


Actually, you are describing showing versus telling, not passive voice versus active, but this is good advice to follow when writing too.  :)

Actually, you are describing showing versus telling, not passive voice versus active, but this is good advice to follow when writing too.  :)


Oh yeah that too.i was thinking of it as being more direct lol. It's been a long time since I sat in an English class. I know what to do but forgot the terminology around it  ;D


It's basically that first thing I suggested but stats much clearer! O0

I'm just riffing as I read:

First suggestion: in the opening don't tell us Lisa's a character right away...  Just say says Lisa instead of the actress playing Lisa...

It lets us think we're meeting two"people" but instead we've just met the "characters" they will play.

2nd: Unless you're revealing the events unfolding are a flashback you should try and write the stuff on set in  present tense. They are instead of the were....


Omelettes and Prune Juice  ;D



A book about people making a movie....color me intrigued. I know it's not easy but keep plugging away.


Yeah, present tense. Present tense! I'll remember that.

I've finally read it, and am waiting for more!!!  :)

I've finally read it, and am waiting for more!!!  :)


I'll probably won't post another one until 6 months later. But yeah!

Actually, you are describing showing versus telling, not passive voice versus active, but this is good advice to follow when writing too.  :)


Am I telling too much?

Am I telling too much?


You do rely on telling rather than showing in some places.

Overall, the tone of the piece as a whole is very well written though.

Okay, here's my two cents. I feel like I'm hardly in a position to give you advice on your story, but here goes.

Personally, I feel like you should leave more to the imagination of the reader. You're already filling in all the blanks. Less information could help to build some tension.

Gramatically, I don't like how you switch from past to present tense (see below) - but maybe that's just a typo.


    Kevin’s movies not only had been slammed by critics, but his fans alike also questioned his current direction. And his numbers at the box office hasn’t been helping either. His past six movies have all either performed disappointingly in theatres or have completely bombed with audiences all over the world. His numbers have been slipping steadily for the past five years. All these circumstances combined together made for an anxious and brooding actor, but if he played his cards right, the current state of his career could be used to propel him to a higher plane. If the storylines in his films got better, how could people not notice how he had grown as an artist, especially compared to his films when he was a lot younger or his shirtless scenes in movies when he was twenty two? 


Also, if you want to use metaphors, make them speak. Movie critics can be downright villainous. So instead of saying:

The reviewer wrote that Kevin was like an empty headed blowup doll that had so much air in its head, there was not much room for anything else.

try something like:

The reviewer wrote that "his acting bore striking resemblance to a blow up doll: everything you want in a woman, bar the warmth and affection."


Apart from that, I like what I'm reading, and I'm curious to find out where this will be leading.

Okay, here's my two cents. I feel like I'm hardly in a position to give you advice on your story, but here goes.

Personally, I feel like you should leave more to the imagination of the reader. You're already filling in all the blanks. Less information could help to build some tension.

Gramatically, I don't like how you switch from past to present tense (see below) - but maybe that's just a typo.

Also, if you want to use metaphors, make them speak. Movie critics can be downright villainous. So instead of saying:

The reviewer wrote that Kevin was like an empty headed blowup doll that had so much air in its head, there was not much room for anything else.

try something like:

The reviewer wrote that "his acting bore striking resemblance to a blow up doll: everything you want in a woman, bar the warmth and affection."


Apart from that, I like what I'm reading, and I'm curious to find out where this will be leading.


Yes, they're typos!  :D

Okay, here's my two cents. I feel like I'm hardly in a position to give you advice on your story, but here goes.

Personally, I feel like you should leave more to the imagination of the reader. You're already filling in all the blanks. Less information could help to build some tension.

Gramatically, I don't like how you switch from past to present tense (see below) - but maybe that's just a typo.

Also, if you want to use metaphors, make them speak. Movie critics can be downright villainous. So instead of saying:

The reviewer wrote that Kevin was like an empty headed blowup doll that had so much air in its head, there was not much room for anything else.

try something like:

The reviewer wrote that "his acting bore striking resemblance to a blow up doll: everything you want in a woman, bar the warmth and affection."


Apart from that, I like what I'm reading, and I'm curious to find out where this will be leading.


Yeah, subtly is something I need to learn. And like some said on this thread, don't let Kevin get too passionate right away, let his emotions build up until a peak (usually the very later part of the book).

I think unconsciously I'm afraid that by being too subtle I become too pretentious.

Good call, snoz.

80sfan...

I'm not sure what you want your style to be (whether you are going for more drama or comedy). What I would probably suggest is imply Kevin's tiredness, anxiety and frustration rather than outright say it? Personally, I'm a big fan of understatement because it sucks the reader in and it can always be cranked up at a later part of the novel. In my head, I am feeling Kevin is building up to a mental crescendo rather than the storm happening already so I'm thinking; 'where else can you can go when you say Kevin wants to run everybody down with his foot firmly on the accelerator?' All you can do is say alternatives to that effect until Kevin, if he does decide to do/say something, goes past the point of no return.

Your story mentioned that Kevin is suffering because of the bad press he has had. Maybe show it with a small indication rather than saying outright in the narrative? It makes the situation more tense.

I think your story has a great premise, great potential and I really look forward to the next installment. Well done, 80sfan and thank you for showing us your hard work. :)


I don't think you'll reply again, but if you do...

I wonder if a book or story's emotions/moods should start from 0 until it reaches a peak of 10 (usually close to the ending of the book) on a scale of 0 to 10. Or could it go from a 3 to a 7, then a 10, then a 2 for like 8 chapters straight, then go up to a 7 the next, then finally peak again at the later chapters, then go to a 5 in emotional intensity, then slowly build down to a 2 or 1 in the last chapter?

Simplified version of question: Should mood of reader be like climbing a mountain until the peak of the mountain (in very later chapters) or be like a roller coaster? Moderate for first few chapters, then up to a 7, then down to a 4, etc, etc.

I don't think you'll reply again, but if you do...

I wonder if a book or story's emotions/moods should start from 0 until it reaches a peak of 10 (usually close to the ending of the book) on a scale of 0 to 10. Or could it go from a 3 to a 7, then a 10, then a 2 for like 8 chapters straight, then go up to a 7 the next, then finally peak again at the later chapters, then go to a 5 in emotional intensity, then slowly build down to a 2 or 1 in the last chapter?

Simplified version of question: Should mood of reader be like climbing a mountain until the peak of the mountain (in very later chapters) or be like a roller coaster? Moderate for first few chapters, then up to a 7, then down to a 4, etc, etc.


You didn't ask it to me, but I think the first line, paragraph, and page needs to hook a reader into the story immediately.

I think the mood or emotion used at the time varies upon the situation. I think a roller coaster is more exciting than a steady climb.

You didn't ask it to me, but I think the first line, paragraph, and page needs to hook a reader into the story immediately.

I think the mood or emotion used at the time varies upon the situation. I think a roller coaster is more exciting than a steady climb.


Thanks. Yeah, depends on the book I guess. I guess some stories do require a steady climb and some a roller coaster.

I don't think you'll reply again, but if you do...

I wonder if a book or story's emotions/moods should start from 0 until it reaches a peak of 10 (usually close to the ending of the book) on a scale of 0 to 10. Or could it go from a 3 to a 7, then a 10, then a 2 for like 8 chapters straight, then go up to a 7 the next, then finally peak again at the later chapters, then go to a 5 in emotional intensity, then slowly build down to a 2 or 1 in the last chapter?

Simplified version of question: Should mood of reader be like climbing a mountain until the peak of the mountain (in very later chapters) or be like a roller coaster? Moderate for first few chapters, then up to a 7, then down to a 4, etc, etc.


It depends on the mood of the story and how you picture the characters in your head. They are your characters. I mentioned the slow burn for Kevin because that was what I was feeling, rightly or wrongly, in your introduction.

Whether you view Kevin as a slow-burner, a combustion engine or somewhere in between again is up to you. However, I use the technique; "Don't say it, show it". This means you can show Kevin is tired without saying straight-up in the narrative he is tired. Imagine what he did before his audition and hint at it during the chapter, incorporating that into your description. Perhaps you could subtly describe his pale skin if that is the way you picture him? Does he have heavy eyes? Sluggish movement? Certain mannerisms that makes him a unique person?Whatever you do, imagine the back-story behind your characters' every move but don't say it straight-out. Allow the reader to digest it themselves.

I wrote in a similar style to you at one point, 80sfan, and I was frustrated that I just couldn't flesh my characters out no matter how hard I forced them down my reader's throats. It reminds me of the old fable between the sun and the wind and their competition to remove a traveler's coat who was walking along. The wind blew as hard as he could to blow the traveler's coat off but the traveler kept holding on to it for dear life. The sun had a go and all he did was shine his light on the traveler. The traveler got warm, enjoyed the rays, and took his coat off of his own volition. The sun won by persuasion not by force.

That was how I wanted to be. I wanted to persuade my readers into liking my characters, not to force my readers to like them.

You'll find you'll develop and nurture your own personal style soon enough. That comes with practice and experimentation. :)

It depends on the mood of the story and how you picture the characters in your head. They are your characters. I mentioned the slow burn for Kevin because that was what I was feeling, rightly or wrongly, in your introduction.

Whether you view Kevin as a slow-burner, a combustion engine or somewhere in between again is up to you. However, I use the technique; "Don't say it, show it". This means you can show Kevin is tired without saying straight-up in the narrative he is tired. Imagine what he did before his audition and hint at it during the chapter, incorporating that into your description. Perhaps you could subtly describe his pale skin if that is the way you picture him? Does he have heavy eyes? Sluggish movement? Certain mannerisms that makes him a unique person?Whatever you do, imagine the back-story behind your characters' every move but don't say it straight-out. Allow the reader to digest it themselves.

I wrote in a similar style to you at one point, 80sfan, and I was frustrated that I just couldn't flesh my characters out no matter how hard I forced them down my reader's throats. It reminds me of the old fable between the sun and the wind and their competition to remove a traveler's coat who was walking along. The wind blew as hard as he could to blow the traveler's coat off but the traveler kept holding on to it for dear life. The sun had a go and all he did was shine his light on the traveler. The traveler got warm, enjoyed the rays, and took his coat off of his own volition. The sun won by persuasion not by force.

That was how I wanted to be. I wanted to persuade my readers into liking my characters, not to force my readers to like them.

You'll find you'll develop and nurture your own personal style soon enough. That comes with practice and experimentation. :)


One last question: don't you have to 'say it' sometimes though? I know that it's better 80% of the time to show it, but don't you sometimes have to say it? Or can you 'say it' sometimes?

One last question: don't you have to 'say it' sometimes though? I know that it's better 80% of the time to show it, but don't you sometimes have to say it? Or can you 'say it' sometimes?


It depends on whether saying it adds to the story. Personally, I would only say it if it truly was relevant for me to do so.  However, this is where you as a writer will hone your craft. You will find what works for you and how far up and down the scale you want to go with everything, not just the topics we have discussed.