so no one here probably is aware, i think there may be three or so people i've told, i got fired from the band i was in, which is fine because i was gearing up to quit. so the past couple weeks i've been doing the ad-in-the-paper thing, looking for bands who are looking for guitar players.

so i try out for this band last night, four piece, female vocalist, all original stuff, pretty decent vocals but real basic campfire chord accompaniment, which is fine cuz i figure i'm a guitarist, i can do some textures and stuff and get them outta the campfire chord territory. so... i spend a few hours yesterday listening to this music, writing parts for it, so forth.

i get out there and they seem like nice people, everyone's set up so i set up my gear, meanwhile, singer is noodling around on her guitar and singing and her voice sounds all off key, not like on the recording at all. this is a source of concern for me, but whatever, i just got there so. also, she's strumming these really basic chords but even still she's not hitting them quite right and her guitar is out of tune.

ok. fine.

so we start up, it's one of the louder songs so i bust out the part i was working on which, admittedly, is pretty busy. the band comes in and they're super loud, and they drown me out. so we have to stop and adjust the sound, turn the guitar way up. we start again, i'm doing the part, and meanwhile the singer starts whispering to the bass player. i know she's not pleased about something. we get to the end of the song and she says to me, 'ok, you seem like you were soloing the whole time. are you trying to join a band with people who share or are you just trying to show off?"

this instantly pisses me off to no end and i consider just packing up and leaving but whatever, i drove for a while and i worked on these parts a long time so i swallow my pride and say, okay, i'll reel it back for you. meanwhile thinking, okay, those weren't solos, you deaf bitch, they were repeating parts. a "solo" would be an improvised, non-repeating figure. but judging from the chords you'this chick's playing and the way she's playing them it's not like i expect her to know anything about music.

so we go back through the song and through a couple more and i dial it back and between each song she says "okay, that was better. not like the first time at all." like, even though the problem's fixed SHE KEEPS BRINGING UP THE ORIGINAL PROBLEM AGAIN AND AGAIN. i've already decided i'm not going to have anything more to do with this act after tonight but i'm getting so irritated with her i'm sorta like, okay, exactly how far is she gonna turn up her Shrew Knob. all the way to 11? i get curious.

so... later we're talking about goals, musical philosophy, etc., and she's all, 'well, basically i used to open for the foo fighters and and and i want to have that experience of playing for 45,000-person crowds again." so, she wants to be a star. i have to admit i dont meet people THIS deluded in the music "business" very often unless they're 19, so i ask how old everybody is. in their thirties, i'm told. somehow it also comes up that she's been to a "Spice Girls audition." who the hell goes to a spice girls audition? it seems like you could mention in your ad that you're playing in a band where the lead singer's been to a Spice Girls audition, and that way every human being in the universe would instantly know that they don't want to answer the ad. it would save everyone a lot of time.

so they ask what my goals are and i'm like, well, i'd like to develop as a musician, play stuff that challenges me and helps me to grow while i help the other musicians to grow and rely on their guidance. been doing enough gigging, kinda want to give that a rest for now and just study and play music and have fun. so then i learn that singer who can't play a strong C chord on the guitar has classical and jazz training for piano and voice. in one of the world's most prestigious music universities, i presume, i didn't really hear because my eyes were glazing over again. so then she says the most remarkable thing i've ever heard anyone say: "basically, on voice or on piano, if you put any piece in front of me i can play it. so musically i've really accomplished all that there is to accomplish, and instead i've decided to focus on writing the perfect pop song that will really reach people."

okay. so think this over. many of the finest musicians in the world, i dont care the genre or instument, go to their graves in their 80s and 90s lamenting that in a lifetime of study they've only scratched the surface of what there is to know about music theory, composition and performance. but here's someone who's evidently managed to solve that rubik's cube. and yet... she can't play guitar chords or tune her guitar. is it plausible that you could be the embodiment of perfection on keyboards and yet be unable to tune a guitar? (or, and this is crucial, is it possible to be all that and yet be unaware that your guitar needed tuning?)

so at the end of the tryout they were all like, okay, e-mail us and let us know what's up. and she says, 'yes, let us know if you hate us.' and that little voice that always goes in the back of your head when someone's pissing you off and you're struggling to hold your peace pipes up in my head, thinking, lady, that's the first smart thing you've said all night.'

ugh. worst tryout i've ever done in my life. thanks for letting me vent my bottomless, petty bitterness.