my onion horoscope has informed me that malevolent stars will be sending a speeding bus hurtling toward me. good to get a heads up on that.

do you guys have the onion in newspaper dispensers where you live? we've got a ton of them. the onion totally helps get me through the week.

my onion horoscope has informed me that malevolent stars will be sending a speeding bus hurtling toward me. good to get a heads up on that.

do you guys have the onion in newspaper dispensers where you live? we've got a ton of them. the onion totally helps get me through the week.



I don't get that here....do you still have the paper so you can look up my onion horoscope?

what's your sign?

what's your sign?



Libra

I don't get that here....do you still have the paper so you can look up my onion horoscope?


Go to www.theonion.com

My favorite article:

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/28251

Libra
you cannot fathom the mysteries of the human heart, so just sit back and enjoy their chewy texture and meaty savor.

i like this one.

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/28657

Heh.

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/50097

Too funny!

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/33540

***BAD LANGUAGE WARNING***

Aquarius.

do you guys have the onion in newspaper dispensers where you live? we've got a ton of them. the onion totally helps get me through the week.


Pfft, I wish. My doses of The Onion come only when I get to the mall or a bookstore.. I just sit down and read the Hell out of those Archived issues.

My favorites, off the top of my head, are:

"Alzheimer's Patients Demand Cure For Pancakes"
"8-Year Old Told To Take It Like A Man"
"New Study Implies The Working Poor Are "F--ked"."

Aquarius.
smokey the bear is going to hang yur rib cage from a tree as a warning about not setting forest fires.

you think i'm making this up!

There was a really cool story about how Stephen Hawking invented a robotic exoskeleton that he wears to fight crime.  Onion = roxxorz.

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/33540

***BAD LANGUAGE WARNING***
I haven't seen the actual Onion newspaper anywhere in my area, but my younger brother turned me on to the website several years back. He bought one of the first "best of" compilation books and the article you mentioned was in there. I remember when we first read it, we were both in tears from laughing so hard.

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/27905

Enjoy.

One of my faves:

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/29308

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/27905

Enjoy.
fudgeing genius. genius!

course, this particular part hasn't dated very well...

""The budget for Gulf War II: The Vengeance is somewhere in the neighborhood of $85 billion," Rumsfeld continued. "And every penny of it is up there on your screen.""

that lewinsky thing is sorta... hot. i miss the day when presidential scandals were titillating rather than just dispiriting.

You always hate it when shows end with a big musical number, so you'll probably be pretty disappointed with what happens to the universe on Wednesday.

;D My Horoscope.^

http://www.theonion.com/content/news/after_5_years_in_u_s_terrorist

Hehehe...

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/29955

if you think this is funny you're a bad person with an ugly soul. :P

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/29738

My favorite, I dug it up.. it's so wrong. ;D


Aaaaaaaand..

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/29740

Like that one too.

smokey the bear is going to hang yur rib cage from a tree as a warning about not setting forest fires.

you think i'm making this up!


That explains why he was knocking at my door.... I told him he had the wrong guy(I'm not a pyromaniac).

I pointed him in the right direction though.

How about Scorpio?

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/30272


Girl declares herself Miss Teen USA for life.

I've never been a fan of The Onion myself...the headlines are often hilarious, but then when you read the actual article, it's just painfully dragging out the humorous concept of the headline into article-length.

Favorite Onion headline:

"Special Olympics T-Ball Stand Pitches Perfect Game"