So, I just recently found out that a friend of the family (who lost her husband to cancer only 5 months ago) has been dating this guy for awhile now. I was somewhat shocked at this news..I mean, he's only been dead for 5 months and she's been dating for AWHILE.  I am not her, and I have no idea what she is feeling/going through...but doesn't that seem to be a tad bit too soon..I mean, she has not even been through the entire mourning/grief process yet. She has 2 kids (both in their early 20's)...and I have no idea how they feel about this.


So, what are you opinions on this?  How soon is too soon?

I guess it's different for everyone, but in my opinion that seems too soon.  If I ever lost my husband I couldn't even imagine ever dating someone else. 

My mom has been dead for 2 years, my dad has never even mentioned seeing anyone.  Honestly, I don't think he ever would. 

Perhaps her husband had been so sick for so long that she felt like she actually lost him long ago, and already grieved for him.  Maybe she's dating so that she won't have to go through the grieving process?

I guess it's different for everyone, but in my opinion that seems too soon.  If I ever lost my husband I couldn't even imagine ever dating someone else. 

My mom has been dead for 2 years, my dad has never even mentioned seeing anyone.  Honestly, I don't think he ever would. 

Perhaps her husband had been so sick for so long that she felt like she actually lost him long ago, and already grieved for him.  Maybe she's dating so that she won't have to go through the grieving process?



that's a very good point, Carol. I understand that everyone is different, and some people just cannot be alone. It just seemed so odd to hear that she is dating someone so soon. I still get sad when I think about her husband dying and such. He suffered for quite a long time with his cancer. :(

I'd not put a specific time on it, some people grieve a lot faster than others, some people take much longer.. it depends largely on the depth of the relationship the person had with their spouse, as well as how quickly their feelings resolve..

I couldn't see dating again after a lengthy marriage, though..

I'd not put a specific time on it, some people grieve a lot faster than others, some people take much longer.. it depends largely on the depth of the relationship the person had with their spouse, as well as how quickly their feelings resolve..

I couldn't see dating again after a lengthy marriage, though..



yes, that's very true.  I cannot say exactly how their marriage was...I didn't know what happened behind closed doors, etc.  I agree with your last statement though...I know even in my own short marriage (3.5 years)...I could never date that soon...and just thinking of my parents (who have been married for 30 some years)...I couldn't imagine them seeing someone else so soon either.

I think after a marriage like that, of 30 years or so, I don't think I could ever date again...

I think after a marriage like that, of 30 years or so, I don't think I could ever date again...


ya, it would seem just so strange. I mean, you would be SO used to your mate and everything that they did, etc...I mean, that's a LONG time to be with another human being...it would just be very very different to have to adjust to someone else's ways, I suppose.

Maybe dating so soon is just a date of convenience. Maybe some people are so afraid to be alone that
they'll start dating just for companionship not feeling. Rebound relationships rarely work for this reason.
Then again, maybe the two shared prior feelings for one another.

Maybe dating so soon is just a date of convenience. Maybe some people are so afraid to be alone that
they'll start dating just for companionship not feeling. Rebound relationships rarely work for this reason.
Then again, maybe the two shared prior feelings for one another.



that's very true, Kevin.

My mother had a friend who's husband passed away, when he was on his "death-bed" he had his wife promise she would never find anyone else, never date or remarried.  She promised and she never did.  She was so unhappy later in life because of her promise.

Maybe your friends husband had her make a promise to just the opposite of my mother's friend.  
Maybe he wanted her to go out and find someone to be with.  

For some reason i hate the thought that you can only find love once,and for that i'm always happy to see widows dating again,when they're ready and no one should judge.

My mother had a friend who's husband passed away, when he was on his "death-bed" he had his wife promise she would never find anyone else, never date or remarried.  She promised and she never did.  She was so unhappy later in life because of her promise.

Maybe your friends husband had her make a promise to just the opposite of my mother's friend.  
Maybe he wanted her to go out and find someone to be with.  



I was actually thinking of that....he seemed like the kind of person who would have told her that..for sure.

Like many of you have said, there could be many reasons as to why this woman would date so soon.  Many cancer victims suffer for so long.  I lost my dad to cancer and I basically grieved before he died.  Now I know this is different than a spouse, but I'm just using this as a comparison.  I think I cried more before my dad died than after.  The day my father died was very sad as well as the day of the funeral, but after that my life went on like nothing happened.  Maybe she did the same...or perhaps she doesn't want to be alone.  One thing seems weird though....you would think she would feel totally guilty for moving on so soon.  I know that even if I wanted to move on that soon I would not be able to because of the guilt.

My mother had a friend who's husband passed away, when he was on his "death-bed" he had his wife promise she would never find anyone else, never date or remarried.  She promised and she never did.  She was so unhappy later in life because of her promise.


What a terribly selfish thing to do.


I agree with other people here, that if he had been ill for some time then she may further through the grieving process than you would imagine.Also as Kevin said some people just can't bear to be on their own.

I say one year or so unless you really didn't love the person that much. I think it takes about that long to fully & adeqauately grieve the loss and then after that, it should be acceptable to begin dating and I think it is very selfish and immature for one spouse to request the other  not find someone else after they've passed awy. I told Diane, if anything ever happed to me, that I would want her to be happy and if she connects with someone that is very cool & nice, then go for it, but not too soon after my death  ;D 

Thats a tough one, because everyone is different and they handle things differently. I would think it depends on how the marriage was, how old she is, and what people might be saying to her as well.

Maybe she's dating because her grief is still going on, and she's trying to get it off her mind.

Just remember, just because she is dating , doesn't mean she's a bad person or anything. ( Does that make sense? ) Some people just can't function being alone.

For what it's worth, I think grief is an on-going process, something you are never *really* quite over totally.  You can think fondly of someone and miss them and think of both happy and sad memories and it makes you quite sad.  Having someone to spend time with is a good way to deal with grief (I think).  It helps you not to "wallow" in the emotions of it and helps you to not get "stuck" and relive bad memories over and over and over again. 

While, it's clearly not the same, I started dating someone 4 months after my divorce.  Many would have said that was too soon, but it worked for me.

Perhaps this new person was a shoulder to cry on while her husband was ill and then feelings developed unexpectedly over time and rather then waste time waiting for a respectable amount of time to save face, they chose to quietly start a relationship.

For what it's worth, I think grief is an on-going process, something you are never *really* quite over totally.  You can think fondly of someone and miss them and think of both happy and sad memories and it makes you quite sad.  Having someone to spend time with is a good way to deal with grief (I think).  It helps you not to "wallow" in the emotions of it and helps you to not get "stuck" and relive bad memories over and over and over again. 

While, it's clearly not the same, I started dating someone 4 months after my divorce.  Many would have said that was too soon, but it worked for me.

Perhaps this new person was a shoulder to cry on while her husband was ill and then feelings developed unexpectedly over time and rather then waste time waiting for a respectable amount of time to save face, they chose to quietly start a relationship.
Well said and karma for you.  :)

when his ghost is still haunting you

As many have already said, everyone grieves in a different way. Some people start dating quickly because they are in pain and don't want to be alone. There could be another dynamic going on here, too. If the spouse had suffered a long illness, the other person may feel the need to get back into life. They may think that life is too short to be spent grieving. But, there are some people who were so much in love with their spouses that no one else will do. I see that with my mother. My step-father passed 15 years ago. I think it was about 10 years ago that my brother-in-law thought it was time for my mother to get remarried. I told her that I didn't think that marriage was the thing but I would have liked her to have some companionship. To this day, she has never dated anyone else. But, that is her choice.

As for me, I can't imagine myself ever dating anyone else but as the saying goes, never say never.



Cat

My mother started dating a friend of the family about 2 months after his wife passed on. I think all of us kids thought it was too soon, but I guess my mother said he was very insistant and she wanted to help him through a rough time. I believe her on this, and I know they were mostly being supportive with one another at the beginning stages.

you all have made some wonderful points....very very true..and I agree with them. :)

Snarky answer:  "If you think it's too soon, why do you think (he/she) wasn't doing it with (the other person) during the marriage?"

Serious answer:  "None of my business.  If it were my friend (or parent's!) spouse who'd just kicked the bukket, I'd STFU and support whatever decision my friend/parent had made.  I can't do anything for the dead, but I can help the living."

I think it depends on the nature of the death of spouse. If it's a tragic accident, then the pain and feeling of loss is deep for all the survivors & seeing the surviving family member dating soon after a loss can be difficult and can be seen as disrespectful, but it's their life so who can tell another person how to live. I had a very close friend watch his wife die slowly from 15 years of MS, and when she passed, he was ready for female companionship immediately and no one really thought bad of it or him. He wanted a new wife right out the gate, and I understand his need, since he was basically a husband that was a full time nurse for an invalid spouse and that was hard for him. On the other hand, a family member lost her husband in an car race accident and didn't seek a new mate for a couple of years. She showed up at every big family get together with her daughters, and then about 3-4 years after the accident, she shows up at family gathering with new boyfriend & I wondered how the family felt but they were very accepting of their daughter in law dating, because she'd waited more than long enough to start dating.

You said the husband died of cancer?  How long did he have it?  Like Jacks said, if you know someone's dying of a horrible disease like cancer, you start grieving before they're gone.  Once they do pass, it's almost like a blessing and instead of grief, you feel relief because they're no longer suffering.  My grandma didn't die from cancer, but her health was going downhill for a few years and she developed so many problems, the doctor told her she only had about 6 months.  I cried more before she passed than I did after.  Again, not a spouse, but I was just happy she wasn't suffering anymore.

You said the husband died of cancer?  How long did he have it?  Like Jacks said, if you know someone's dying of a horrible disease like cancer, you start grieving before they're gone.  Once they do pass, it's almost like a blessing and instead of grief, you feel relief because they're no longer suffering.  My grandma didn't die from cancer, but her health was going downhill for a few years and she developed so many problems, the doctor told her she only had about 6 months.  I cried more before she passed than I did after.  Again, not a spouse, but I was just happy she wasn't suffering anymore.




yes, it was cancer. He was dealing with it for a while..then they thought they had it under control...then it came back full force, and basically took over his entire body, thus killing him in the end. Yes, you could definitely be right....she has probably been grieving a LONG time now.

For what it's worth, I think grief is an on-going process, something you are never *really* quite over totally.  You can think fondly of someone and miss them and think of both happy and sad memories and it makes you quite sad.  Having someone to spend time with is a good way to deal with grief (I think).  It helps you not to "wallow" in the emotions of it and helps you to not get "stuck" and relive bad memories over and over and over again. 



Very well put.

My mom died two years ago, and one of the worst parts was watching my dad suffer in the first few months after she died - he was just so lost and so broken.  They had been married for 42 years.  After about 3 months he joined a counseling/support group designed for people who had been married for many years and had lost their spouses.  He met a woman there, and they became good friends.  In the begining they just went out and did things together, and about a year after both of their spouses died they started "dating."  I know that my dad feels guilty about it sometimes, but I also know how miserable and lonely he was before he started seeing Ginny.  They are always doing fun things together, and she is a great person.  I know my mom would like her and would want my dad to be happy. 

Very well put.

My mom died two years ago, and one of the worst parts was watching my dad suffer in the first few months after she died - he was just so lost and so broken.  They had been married for 42 years.  After about 3 months he joined a counseling/support group designed for people who had been married for many years and had lost their spouses.  He met a woman there, and they became good friends.  In the begining they just went out and did things together, and about a year after both of their spouses died they started "dating."  I know that my dad feels guilty about it sometimes, but I also know how miserable and lonely he was before he started seeing Ginny.  They are always doing fun things together, and she is a great person.  I know my mom would like her and would want my dad to be happy. 



thank you for sharing that Ash...that sheds a lot of light on what a widow/widower goes though. :)

So, I just recently found out that a friend of the family (who lost her husband to cancer only 5 months ago) has been dating this guy for awhile now. I was somewhat shocked at this news..I mean, he's only been dead for 5 months and she's been dating for AWHILE.  I am not her, and I have no idea what she is feeling/going through...but doesn't that seem to be a tad bit too soon..I mean, she has not even been through the entire mourning/grief process yet. She has 2 kids (both in their early 20's)...and I have no idea how they feel about this.


So, what are you opinions on this?  How soon is too soon?


Why not go out on the prowl?  She would not be doing herself any favors by denying herself a great life.  And living a crappy life is not going to bring her late hsband out of the grave.

My opinion... survivors do the memory of their dead souses dishonor by leading sad, sorrow-ridden lives.  I would like to think that if I bite the dust before a (future) wife, that she would enjoy herself after my death, look back on our time together as "great times" but go on with an enjoyable life.  And if that meant that she found some young stud muffin to party with, I'd say more power to her, and to my memory.  8)

All above said, I'd probably not want her to show up at my funeral with hew squeeze.  ;D

Why not go out on the prowl?  She would not be doing herself any favors by denying herself a great life.  And living a crappy life is not going to bring her late hsband out of the grave.

My opinion... survivors do the memory of their dead souses dishonor by leading sad, sorrow-ridden lives.  I would like to think that if I bite the dust before a (future) wife, that she would enjoy herself after my death, look back on our time together as "great times" but go on with an enjoyable life.  And if that meant that she found some young stud muffin to party with, I'd say more power to her, and to my memory.  8)

All above said, I'd probably not want her to show up at my funeral with hew squeeze.  ;D



I'm not saying that she should lead a crappy, sorrow-ridden life...but there is the idea of having some respect for the one that you just lost...and I think it should be somewhat of an ample amount of time.  I did however, find out that she is having problems with one of her children...so maybe she just needs a shoulder to cry on, or some support from someone, etc...I can totally see that being the case in this situation.

Sometimes, when dealing with something very difficult. You need help.

If you turned to somebody and found comfort in them, why would it be an issue if you went out with them?

The whole idea of any sort of relationship is that it's mutually beneficial, if you're coping with loss you're going to need all the help you can get, that could come through family, friends or a partner.

Having never been in any sort of relationship like that, I really can't pass judgment, all I can say is that if I'd been with somebody a long time and I died.. I'd just want them to be happy.. if you love somebody, that's all you ever want for them.

so I'm thinking if I show up with "a friend" at my spouses deathbed in hospital room, that may be too soon? Of course the "friend" is there mainly to support and to console in time of need.

When my friends dad was dying of cancer he actually went out and found a guy he really liked and set him up with his wife. He told them he wanted them to date while he was still dying and he that he wanted to be sure he was leaving his wife with someone who would love and take care of her.

So she did as he said - and she married the new man just months after her husbands death. She lost lifelong friends as a result - as a member of the italian community she had "gone against all tradition" and her friends couldnt handle her supposed lack of mourning.

But she has been happy with her new husband for 15 years now. Her first husband made a lovely choice.

It has never altered how much she loved and adored her first husband and she grieved in private and in her own way and time. His pictures still hang on many walls. He is still part of their life.

I think people assume the actual grief process just stops at the point someone starts dating. Of course it doesnt. But you cant switch your entire life off - that would be like two deaths instead of one.

When my friends dad was dying of cancer he actually went out and found a guy he really liked and set him up with his wife. He told them he wanted them to date while he was still dying and he that he wanted to be sure he was leaving his wife with someone who would love and take care of her.

So she did as he said - and she married the new man just months after her husbands death. She lost lifelong friends as a result - as a member of the italian community she had "gone against all tradition" and her friends couldnt handle her supposed lack of mourning.


Grrr  >:(  Death sucks.  Life sucks too, specially when you have to deal with crap like the above.  The community should rally around you in time of need, not impose *their* will and morals on you.  Because it makes *them* feel better about themselves.  Or more importantly, gives them something to feel superior about.  Human nature is an intense crock sometimes.

I feel sorry for your friend and her mum, BMG :(

What's right for the individual is what's right.  There is no correct answer, or too soon, or any other benchmark.  Everyone's circumstance is different.

so I'm thinking if I show up with "a friend" at my spouses deathbed in hospital room, that may be too soon? Of course the "friend" is there mainly to support and to console in time of need.


.. Possibly.. yeah.