Keep 'em clean please!!




If a big breasted girl can work at Hooters...

Why can't a one legged girl work at IHOP?

;D

This one is lame, but I have to get it out of my system ...

What do you call a bunch of Gong Show contestants in bed together?
A Gong Bong

I've got two for now, not exactly clean but...

A bear is in the woods, doing his business. He is about to finish up when he sees a rabbit. He asks the rabbit "Hey, do you have problems with crap sticking to your fur?", to which the rabbit replies, "No". The bear picks up the rabbit and wipes his ass with it.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A plumber comes to fix some things in the house, and little Ernie follows him everywhere. When the plumber pulls out a screwdriver, little Ernie says, "My Dad has two of those."

The plumber smiles and pulls out a wrench.

"My Dad has two of those," says Ernie. The plumber smiles again and carries on working. When he goes to the bathroom for a pee, little Ernie goes along.

Taking out his prick, the plumber asks, "Has your dad got two of these, too?"

To which little Ernie replies "No, but his would make two of yours!"

http://img.freecodesource.com/gallery/images/banners/prod_104_1620.gif

A young man comes home and says "Dad, just got my driver's license and would like to use the family car."

Father replies, :"O.K., son. But, first, you have to get good grades in school, keep your room clean, make the yard is neat, and cut your hair. Come back in a few months and then we'll see."

Well, several months pass and the young man comes into the house with his report card in his hand. "Dad, I got great marks on my report card. I've been keeping my room as neat as a pin, and the yard is always ship-shape. How about letting me use the car?"

Father replies, "That's all true, but son you didn't cut your hair."

Son says, "But, dad, Jesus had long hair."

Father replies, "Yes, son, you're perfectly right. And he walked everywhere he went."

^LOL!

A man and his wife are getting ready for work when the husband goes over to his dresser. He pulls out his briefs and shakes out all this powder. "Now why did you put talcum powder in my shorts, honey?" he asks. "It's not talcum powder" she said. "It's miracle grow"

----------------------------------------

A man called his boss and says "I won't be coming in for work today. I don't feel so good. My head hurts, my back is sore, my joints ache, i'm in terrible shape". So his boss says "Oh you know, when I get like that, I have a method that works. I go to my wife and get all the sex I can get. Then I feel MUCH better".

"Maybe i'll give that a try" the man said. The next morning, he comes into work and says to his boss "That method of yours sure worked wonders. I feel 100% better. Oh, and by the way, you have a very lovely house"

----------------------------------------

A man and his wife are sitting in their kitchen, when the husband gets up and goes to get the fly swater. "Where are you going?" the wife asks. "I'm going fly hunting" says the husband. A minute later, he comes back and his wife asks "Did you kill any"?

"Yeah", he said. "I killed 5 flies. Three males and two females".

"How do you know which are the males and which are females?" his puzzled wife asks. "Easy" he said. "Three were on a beer can and two were on the phone"

Please see the best joke by Spike Milligan Thread on:

http://www.inthe00s.com/index.php/topic,19071.msg938205/topicseen.html#msg938205

Q:  Why did the Koala bear fall out of the tree?
A:  Cuz he was dead

Q:  Why did the 2nd Koala bear fall out of the tree?
A:  Cuz he was on the 1st one's back

Q:  Why did the 3rd Koala bear fall out of the tree?
A:  He thought it was a game

Q:  Why did the man fall off his bike?
A:  Hit by falling koala bears

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q:  What's the difference between an Okie and an idiot?
A:  The Red River

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Three construction workers sit down to have lunch one day.  The Mexican opens his lunch.  "A Burrito??????  If I get a burrito one more time, I'm gonna JUMP!"
The Irishman opens his lunch.  "A baked potato??????"  If I get a bake potato ONE MORE TIME, I'm gonna JUMP!!"
The Texan opens his lunch.  "A hay-am sandwich?  If I get a hay-am sandwich ONE MORE TIME, I'm gonna JUMP!!!!!"

The next day the three men sit down to have lunch.
The Mexican opens his lunch.  "A BURRITO!"  So he jumps.
The Irishman opens his lunch.  "A BAKED POTATO!!!" So he jumps.
The Texan opens his lunch.  "A HAY-AM SANDWICH!!!!"  So he jumps.

At the funeral, the wives gather around and talk to each other.
The Mexican's wife says: "If only I had known, I could have made some quesadillas..."
The Irishman's wife says: "If only I had known, I could have made him some corned beef & cabbage..."
The Texan's wife says:  "Hey yall, don't look at me. He packed his OWN lunch."

http://img.freecodesource.com/gallery/images/banners/prod_104_1620.gif


God bless the USA.

Every city has a neighborhood that has a sleazy reputation. This is a stupid joke that
that section can be inserted. Kensington is that section in Philadelphia.

Q: How do you know the tooth brush was invented in Kensington?

A: Had it been invented anywhere else, it would have been called a teeth brush.

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow

Did you know the man that wrote the song died last week ..they had trouble getting him in the coffin first they put his right leg in ..right leg out ..in out in out

A guy who wasn't so good looking and a bit shy had trouble meeting women.  He went to a gym, got a personal trainer and started working out.  He got real buff, went to the beach, but still couldn't make time.  He asked the personal trainer what he should do to attract women.  The PT said "get yourself one of those tight Speedo bathing suits and stick this in it", and he gave the guy a potato.  The next week the guy came back with the potato and said "It didn't work, I don't understand what happened".  The trainer said, "Get in your suit, put in the potato and let me see how it looks".  The guy did, the PT looked him up and down and said "Well that is o.k., but next time put the potato in the front"

This fly was flying across a lake. A fish in the lake saw the fly and thought, "If the fly dropped 6 inches, I could eat it"

There was a bear on the shore in a berry bush watching this and thought,"If the fly dropped 6 inches, the fish would jump and I could get the fish".

There was a bird sitting nearby and watching. He thought, "If the fly dropped 6 inches, the fish would jump and the bear would go after the fish and scattered the berries in the bush and I could get them".

There was a cat sitting in a tree thinking, "If the fly dropped 6 inches, the fish would jump and the bear would go after the fish, and the bird would go after the berries and I can go after the bird."

So, the fly did drop 6 inches, the fish jumped and got the fly. The bear jumped to get the fish and scattered the berries. The bird went after the berries and the cat jumped after the bird but missed and fell into the lake.


The moral of the story is: When the fly drops 6 inches, the p*ssy gets wet.




Cat

A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine.

"What was that for?" he asked.

"That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Mary Lou written on it," she replied.

"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he explained.

"Oh honey, I'm sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a good explanation."

Three days later he was watching a ballgame on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold. When he came to, he asked, "What the hell was that for?"

She replied, "Your horse called."

There was a guy whose lucky number was five. He was born on May 5, 1955. He graduated 5th in his class, got a job with the 5th company he applied to and soon became the 5th highest executive, married the 5th girl he dated, had 5 children, and always shot a five under at golf. One day he was at the horse track, and saw that at 5PM in the fifth race in lane number 5 was a five year old stallion named "Numero Cinco". Seeing this as a sign, he goes to the fifth betting window and bets $55,555 on the horse. He goes to the fifth row in the stands to watch the race.

The horse came in fifth.There was a guy whose lucky number was five. He was born on May 5, 1955. He graduated 5th in his class, got a job with the 5th company he applied to and soon became the 5th highest executive, married the 5th girl he dated, had 5 children, and always shot a five under at golf. One day he was at the horse track, and saw that at 5PM in the fifth race in lane number 5 was a five year old stallion named "Numero Cinco". Seeing this as a sign, he goes to the fifth betting window and bets $55,555 on the horse. He goes to the fifth row in the stands to watch the race.

The horse came in fifth.

Abu Musab al-Zarqawi was staying at the house of a friend, and he heard a loud crash.  The next thing he knows, he wakes up in the middle of a lush grassy plain.

"Those Infidel Americans must have gotten me, and now I am in Paradise!  Praise be to Allah!" he yells.  He sees a bunch of men walking towards him, and realizes this must be comming to welcome him.

He sees a large man with white hair and bad teeth walk up to him, and announce "I am George Washington."  He then proceeds to beat him senseless.  After lying on the ground a few minutes, Abu gets up, and realizes he is completely healed.

Another man then walks up to him.  This man is tall and slender, and looks very aristocratic.  "I am Thomas Jefferson" he announces, and then proceeds to beat and stomp Abu senseless again.

This happens over and over again, as each person comes up.  "Robert E. Lee", "Arthur Ashe", "William Henry Harrison", "James Madison", "George C. Scott", "Booker T. Washington", even a woman who called herself "Patsy Cline".  One after another, they would give their names, and beat the stuffing out of him.

"Wait a minute, wait a minute!" he screams out.  "I should be in Paradise, where are my 40 virgins?"

At this point, a female Native American walks up, and announces her name is Pocahontas.  She looks down at him, and announces "40 virgins?  Oh no, you are mistaken.  We are 40 Virginians!"

******

Alternate ending:

This happens over and over again, as each person comes up.  "Robert E. Lee", "John Wayne", "Audie Murphy", "Theodore Roosevelt", "Abraham Lincoln",  "Betsy Ross", even a kindly looking older lady who called herself "Grandma Moses"  One after another, they would give their names, and beat the stuffing out of him.

"Wait a minute, wait a minute!" he screams out.  "I should be in Paradise!  What is this?"

At this point, Grandma Moses kicks him right in the gonads.  "Oh, this is Paradise Abu, This is our Paradise!"

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip.  After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson.
"And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson ponders for a minute.
"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.  Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.  Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes is silent for a moment.  "Watson, you idiot!" he says.  "Someone has stolen our tent!"

There was a guy whose lucky number was five. He was born on May 5, 1955. He graduated 5th in his class, got a job with the 5th company he applied to and soon became the 5th highest executive, married the 5th girl he dated, had 5 children, and always shot a five under at golf. One day he was at the horse track, and saw that at 5PM in the fifth race in lane number 5 was a five year old stallion named "Numero Cinco". Seeing this as a sign, he goes to the fifth betting window and bets $55,555 on the horse. He goes to the fifth row in the stands to watch the race.

The horse came in fifth.There was a guy whose lucky number was five. He was born on May 5, 1955. He graduated 5th in his class, got a job with the 5th company he applied to and soon became the 5th highest executive, married the 5th girl he dated, had 5 children, and always shot a five under at golf. One day he was at the horse track, and saw that at 5PM in the fifth race in lane number 5 was a five year old stallion named "Numero Cinco". Seeing this as a sign, he goes to the fifth betting window and bets $55,555 on the horse. He goes to the fifth row in the stands to watch the race.

The horse came in fifth.


I must have missed something there, but your last joke was funny!

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says:

Friendship between woman:
    A woman stays out all night. When she returns home she tells her husband she stayed
    at a friends house. The husband calls ten of her best friends and none of them know
    anything about it.

Friendship between men:
    A man stays out all night. When he returns home he tells his wife he stayed at a friends
    house. the wife calls ten of his best friends. 8 said he did stay over and 2 said he is still there.

CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time."
The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me, God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!"
;D

The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM."
He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
(Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.)
;D

An old Indian was asked what his wife's name was.

"Wife name 3 Horse"

"That's an unusual name for your wife. 3 Horse, what does it mean?"

"It's an old Indian name, means nag, nag, nag."

There was an Indian tribe where the chief named all the babies born. One day a brave asked the chief how he comes up with the names. The chief responded, "On the day a baby is born and I see the sun coming over the horizon, I named the baby 'Sun Coming Over the Horizon'. When I see the rain gently falling, I name the baby 'Rain Gently' Falling'. But tell me, why do you ask Two Dogs F**king?"



Cat

On a trans-atlantic flight, a plane was passing through a horrible storm. The turbulence is severe, and unfortunately things go from bad to worse when one of the wings were struck by lightning. One woman in particular friggen loses it.

Screaming, she stands up at the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she blares. "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I've had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has really ever made me feel like a woman! Well I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??"

For a moment, there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own danger and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman at the front of the plane.

Then, a man stands up in the back of the plane. "I can make you feel like a real woman," he shouts. He's gorgeous. Tall, built, with long, flowing blond hair and jet blue eyes, and he begins walking slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. Everyone stares in silence.

The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the stranger approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers:

"Iron this."

On his trip to Great Britain, George Bush had a
meeting with Queen Elizabeth. He asked her, "How does one manage to
run a country so smoothly?"

That's easy," she replied, "You surround yourself with intelligent 
ministers and advisors."

"But how can I tell whether they are intelligent or not?" he inquired.

"You ask them a riddle," she replied, and with that she pressed a 
button and said, "Please send Tony Blair in."

When Blair arrived, the Queen said, "I have a riddle for you to 
answer for me.... Your parents had a child and it was not your 
sister and it was not your brother. Who was this child?"

Blair replied, "That's easy. The child was I."

"Very good," said the Queen, "You may go, now."

So President Bush went back to Washington and called in his chief 
of staff, Karl Rove. He said to him, "I have a riddle for you, and 
the answer is very important. Your parents had a child and it was 
not your sister and it was not your brother. Who was this child?"

Rove replied, "Yes, it is clearly very important that we determine 
the answer, as no child must be left behind. Can I deliberate on this
for a while?  "Yes," said Bush, "I'll give you four hours to come up
with the 
answer."

So Rove went and called a meeting of the White House Staff and asked
them the riddle. But after much discussion and many suggestions, none of
them had a satisfactory answer. So he was quite upset, not knowing what
he would tell the President.  As Rove was walking back to the Oval
Office, he saw former 
Secretary of State Colin Powell approaching him. So he said, "Mr
Secretary, can you answer this riddle for me? Your parents had a child
and it was not your sister and it was not your brother. Who was the
child?"

"That's easy," said Powell, "The child was me."

"Oh thank you," said Rove, "You may just have saved me my job!"
So Rove rushed into the Oval Office and said to President Bush, "I 
think I know the answer to your riddle. The child was Colin Powell!"

"No, you idiot!" shouted Bush, "The child was Tony Blair!"

Q: Why doesn't a chicken wear pants?
A: Because his pecker is on his head!

Q. What do you call a gay dinosaur?
A. Mega-saur-ass



wow, that's kind of funny! :D

"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"John."
"John Who?"
"John Wilson, your old friend from college."
"Oh, what a pleasant surprise! Come on in!"

"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"John."
"John Who?"
"John Wilson, your old friend from college."
"Oh, what a pleasant surprise! Come on in!"


http://img83.imageshack.us/img83/9453/simmonsjokevv0.jpg

http://img83.imageshack.us/img83/9453/simmonsjokevv0.jpg


I like the colors in that picture.

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention has issued a warning about a new virulent strain. The disease is contracted through dangerous and high-risk behavior.

The disease is called Gonorrhea Lectim and pronounced "gonna re-elect him." Many victims contracted it in 2004, after having been screwed for the past four years.

Cognitive characteristics of individuals infected include: anti-social personality disorders, delusions of grandeur with messianic overtones, extreme cognitive dissonance, inability to incorporate new information, pronounced xenophobia and paranoia, inability to accept responsibility for own actions, cowardice masked by misplaced bravado, uncontrolled facial smirking, ignorance of geography and history, tendencies towards evangelical theocracy, categorical all-or-nothing behavior.

Naturalists and epidemiologists are amazed at how this destructive disease originated only a few years ago from a bush found in Texas.

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention has issued a warning about a new virulent strain. The disease is contracted through dangerous and high-risk behavior.

The disease is called Gonorrhea Lectim and pronounced "gonna re-elect him." Many victims contracted it in 2004, after having been screwed for the past four years.

Cognitive characteristics of individuals infected include: anti-social personality disorders, delusions of grandeur with messianic overtones, extreme cognitive dissonance, inability to incorporate new information, pronounced xenophobia and paranoia, inability to accept responsibility for own actions, cowardice masked by misplaced bravado, uncontrolled facial smirking, ignorance of geography and history, tendencies towards evangelical theocracy, categorical all-or-nothing behavior.

Naturalists and epidemiologists are amazed at how this destructive disease originated only a few years ago from a bush found in Texas.


+Karma for a funny political joke!

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees a big bad wolf crouched down behind a log.

"My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf."

The wolf jumps up and runs away.

Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched behind a bush.

"My what big ears you have, Mr. Wolf."

Again the wolf jumps up and runs away.

About a half mile down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched down behind a rock.

"My what big teeth you have, Mr. Wolf."

With that the wolf jumps up and screams,

"Will you knock it off? I'm trying to poop!"

And here's a joke from the Great Northwoods of Minnesota....
Ole and Lena were married many years, when one day Lena awoke to find Ole had died in his sleep. So Lena calls the undertaker. The undertaker comes and takes Ole away and meets with Lena to prepare the arrangements.  "Now Lena"  the undertaker says, "Ole was a good man of this community.. You'll need to write an announcement to put in the local newspaper. The announcement costs 5 dollars a word. What would you like it to say?"  Lena replied, "5 dollars a word? well eh, I've got 10 dollars, let's say 'Ole Died'. "  The undertaker says, "Oh but Lena, Ole was a fine upstanding man of the community, with many friends, you surely have to say more than that. I'll pitch in 15 dollars if the burden is money."  Lena says, "15 dollars? ok... let it say, "Ole Died, Boat For Sale!"

When the driver of a huge trailer lost control
of his rig, he ploughed into an empty toll booth
and smashed it to pieces. He climbed down from
the wreckage and within a matter of minutes;
a truck pulled up and discharged a crew of workers.


The men picked up each broken piece of the
former tollbooth and spread some kind of creamy
substance on it. Then they began fitting the
pieces together. In less than a half hour, they
had the entire tollbooth reconstructed and looking
good as new.

"Astonishing!" the truck driver said to the
crew chief. "What was the white stuff you used
to get all the pieces together?"

The crew chief said, "Oh, that was tollgate
booth paste."

here is the new male birth control pill.

http://images.google.co.uk/images?q=tbn:Ljio7gM-bQPr6M:http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons

you put it in your shoe and it makes you limp !  ;D ;D ;D

Why were the suspenders arrested?

For holding up a pair of pants.

Q: What do you call a gay insect?
A: Asshopper.

Q: How many blondes does it take to make chocolate chip cookies?
A: 2- one to mix the dough, the other squeezes the rabbit.

Q: What are Pee Wee Herman's 2 favorite baseball teams?
A: The Expos & the Yankees

Q: What do bosses, the IRS, and diapers have in common?
A: Always on your @$$, and full of sh--.

-A Nursery Crime-

Hickory dickory dock.
The elephant ran up the clock.
The clock is now beyond repair.

Want to see a bad joke?
Look in Washington DC- they're full of 'em!

How do you kill a circus?

Go for the juggler.

How can you tell when a Texan politician is at the rodeo?

Look for the filly-buster.

After a few days, the Lord called to Adam and said, "It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth so I want you to kiss her." Adam answered, "Yes Lord, but what is a 'kiss?' " So the Lord gave a brief description to Adam who took Eve by the hand and took her to a nearby bush. A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, "Thank you Lord, that was enjoyable." And the Lord replied, "Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy that and now I'd like you to caress Eve." And Adam said, "What is a 'caress?'" So the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind the bush with Eve. Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, "Lord, that was even better than the kiss." And the Lord said, "You've done well Adam. And now I want you to make love to Eve." And Adam asked, "What is 'make love' Lord?'" So the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush, but this time he reappeared in two seconds. And Adam said, "Lord, what is a 'headache?'"

2 gay cowboys - "yup " "yep"  :D

how many women with pmt does it take to change a lightbulb ?
2 (why) "IT JUST DOES O.K ! >:(

BLOKE no1 "i was going to have a sex change !"
BLOKE no2 "why didn't you ?"
BLOKE no1 "i didn't want my mouth widend and my brain removed !"  ::)

heard about the gay cowboy?
he shot up the sheriff !!!

Have you heard of the new Adult magazine featuring evangelists' wives?
It's called "Repenthouse".

A man pulled up next to a little girl walking
Home from school and said "If you get in,
I'll give you a lollypop."

The girl kept walking.

Following along slowly, the man said
"Come on and get in the car with  me and
I'll give you two lolly pops."

She kept her eyes on the sidewalk and
Continued on her way. 

The man said "Get in with me and I'll give you
This whole bag of lollypops!"

Finally, the girl turned and said
"Look daddy, YOU bought  the Skoda, YOU ride in it.

We can't tell dirty jokes in this thread?  :(

That's too bad, I heard a really good one at work last night.

One beautiful December evening Huan Cho and his
Girlfriend Jung Lee were sitting by the side
Of the ocean.



It was a romantic full moon, when Huan Cho said
"Hey baby, how about playing Weeweechu."



"Oh no, not now, lets look at the moon" said Jung Lee.



"Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I play Weeweechu.
I love you and its the perfect time," Huan Cho begged.



"But I rather just hold your hand and watch the moon."



"Please Jung Lee, just once play Weeweechu with me."



Jung Lee looked at Huan Chi and said, "OK, we'll play Weeweechu."....



Huan Cho grabbed his guitar and both sang....



"Weeweechu a melly Chlistmas, Weeweechu a melly Chlistmas,
Weeweechu a melly Chlistmas, and a happy New Year."

A boy is born with just a head and no body, he grows up with his parents and despite the obvious, has quite a good life. On his 18th b-day, his dad takes him down the pub to buy him his first drink. He says, "barman, give my boy a pint of lager" he pours it down the kids throat and POOF the boy grows a torso, "quick, give him another says dad. So he has another beer and KERPOW, he grows arms and legs. Fantastic says dad, lets celebrate with another beer, so they drink up and the boy drops stone dead. "what happened sobbed dad, what have I done" the barman looks over and says

"He should have quit when he was a head"

Q: Why is that little thing that holds a stoners joint called a roach clip?
A: Because the name "pot holder" was already taken.

A woman in India claims that she has lived to be 120 years old by drinking wine and smoking pot every day.

No one has the heart to tell the stoned woman that she's only 35.

Q: Ya know how the cops can tell a drunk driver from a stoned one?
A:  A drunk driver will go through a stop sign, and a stoned driver will sit there and wait for it to turn green.

A man appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.



"Have you ever done anything of particular merit"? St. Peter asked.



"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. "Once, on a trip to the Black Hills, out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground. I yelled, "Now, back off or I'll ruin you all!"



St. Peter was impressed.



"When did this happen"? he asked.



"Just a couple of minutes ago."

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"

The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?" "Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out."

When a customer left his cell phone in my store, I scrolled through his saved numbers, stopped at "Mom" and pushed Send.



His mother answered and I told her what happened.



"Don't worry," she said.  "I'll take care of it."



A few minutes later, the cell phone rang.  It was "Mom."



"Martin," she said.  "You left your cell phone at the convenience store."

Why do French people get full from eating a small breakfast?  Because in France, one egg is un oeuf

----------------

A man gets into a fight with Batman, who hits him in the face with a vase and says "T-PAU!"
"Don't you mean KAPOW!" the man says?
"No" says Batman, "I've got china in my hands"

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, 'Windy, isn't it?' No, 'the second man replied, 'it's Thursday.' The third man chimed in, 'So am I. Let's have a beer.'