Just wondering what kind of help you all expect from your spouse? 

Help with household chores? 

Help with the kids?

No help at all?


I'm just trying to figure out if I'm expecting too much from my husband or if he's being a selfish ass.

Just wondering what kind of help you all expect from your spouse? 

Help with household chores? 

Help with the kids?

No help at all?


I'm just trying to figure out if I'm expecting too much from my husband or if he's being a selfish ass.


Being a stay at home mom is a bigger job than going off to work everyday(I speak with a certain amount of authority as one who has done both ).  You get up in the morning and you are on the clock, you don't go
off the clock until you fall asleep, but you are still on call.  It is 24 hours a day 7 days a week.  Look at it this way, you are both on the clock all day everyday in the running of the household.  For a part of that time his
chores take him away from the home.  His responsibilities are not negated because of his time spent away.
What would happen if you decided to clock out for the day, or go on a two week vacation, or take a sick day, personal day, and weekends off?  The attitude that a mom stays home so therefore she is responsible for all the chores in the home 24/7 drives me nuts, and the thought that because the husband goes out to work he has a special status that relieves him of anything to do in and around the house is self-centered and self-indulgent. He is being a selfish ass.

Being a stay at home mom is a bigger job than going off to work everyday(I speak with a certain amount of authority as one who has done both ).  You get up in the morning and you are on the clock, you don't go
off the clock until you fall asleep, but you are still on call.  It is 24 hours a day 7 days a week.  Look at it this way, you are both on the clock all day everyday in the running of the household.  For a part of that time his
chores take him away from the home.  His responsibilities are not negated because of his time spent away.
What would happen if you decided to clock out for the day, or go on a two week vacation, or take a sick day, personal day, and weekends off?  The attitude that a mom stays home so therefore she is responsible for all the chores in the home 24/7 drives me nuts, and the thought that because the husband goes out to work he has a special status that relieves him of anything to do in and around the house is self-centered and self-indulgent. He is being a selfish ass.


LOL  I haven't told you what he does or doesn't do..........but I like your style. ;D

Just wondering what kind of help you all expect from your spouse? 
Help with household chores? 
Help with the kids?
No help at all?

I'm just trying to figure out if I'm expecting too much from my husband or if he's being a selfish ass.


All of the above, but you really need to sit down together and make a plan.  And I assume that you're a responsible stay home mom (because I've known some that spend all day doing their own thing and not really taking care of business).

I've been both (working and stay home mom) and I'd say:

If you're home and he works all day, it is reasonable for him to need a bit of quiet time to himself when he first comes home -- a bit of transition time.  Anyone who works a full-time job needs that.  But then, if you can give him that, ask him what he will do to give you a break:  (a) cook and/or clean up dinner; (b) get the children ready for bed and read them a story while you do whatever you want in or out of the house; (c) take over morning chores so you can have a quiet, slow morning if he gets a quiet, slow evening.  .... things like that.  He has to pick something.  Write it down.  If he refuses, heck, let the kids go it at the minute he walks in the door.  Bombard him with all the issues of the day and then perhaps he'll change his mind.

Even when the woman works full or part time, if there are children, it's often the case that if the man has something to do, in or outside of the home, he just does it.  If the woman has something to do, the man 'babysits.'    ("Sorry guys, I can't go to the game Saturday, Jane's going out with her friends and I'm babysitting the kids"). 

The key is to set those boundaries early on and being firm about them.  You have to be your own advocate.

I'm not a mom, but I can gauge what a reasonable amount of help is.. what all do you ask of your husband?

Being a stay at home mom is a bigger job than going off to work everyday(I speak with a certain amount of authority as one who has done both ).  You get up in the morning and you are on the clock, you don't go
off the clock until you fall asleep, but you are still on call.  It is 24 hours a day 7 days a week.  Look at it this way, you are both on the clock all day everyday in the running of the household.  For a part of that time his
chores take him away from the home.  His responsibilities are not negated because of his time spent away.
What would happen if you decided to clock out for the day, or go on a two week vacation, or take a sick day, personal day, and weekends off?  The attitude that a mom stays home so therefore she is responsible for all the chores in the home 24/7 drives me nuts, and the thought that because the husband goes out to work he has a special status that relieves him of anything to do in and around the house is self-centered and self-indulgent. He is being a selfish ass.


Are you referring to when a man goes to work? I'm a working mom and I have two jobs (at home and in the classroom) and there's nothing bigger than that.

My dad does more around the house than my mom does and they both work.  In fact, even when my mom was a stay-at-home mom when my sister and I were very young, my dad always did more housework.  I can't remember the last time I saw my mom vacuum, although I see my dad do it all the time.

Stay At Home Moms...


...Need special attention.  ;)

... Well, both of my parents work, and my sister and I do more chores than my mom :D


But, uh... I dunno, maybe you could work something out like having the dad do the chores/take care of kids during the weekends...

Just wondering what kind of help you all expect from your spouse? 

Help with household chores? 

Help with the kids?

No help at all?

I'm just trying to figure out if I'm expecting too much from my husband or if he's being a selfish ass.


It's a good question someone else asked here....what have you asked him to do?  Or, have you guys talked this out yet?

I am a firm believer that everyone in the household should share in maintaining it. If the husband (or wife) works outside the home, he (she) is still a part of that household and still has responsibility to the household. Even the kids should help to maintain things-chores-taking out the garbage, doing the dishes, etc. When it comes to taking care of the kids-BOTH parents SHOULD be responable. It takes 2 to bring them into this world, 2 should take care of them. I know that isn't always the case but if a man (or a woman) is in the household, they should also be the adult and take the responabilty.

As I am typing this, I am talking to Carlos about this subject. He thinks that I should add that chores should be agreed upon so everyone know exactly what they need to do. Then we started listing what he does (cooking, emptying the dishwasher, garbage, and the lawn/snow)  as opposed to what I do (doing the dishes, laundry, changing the catboxes-and then we pay someone to do everything else). I asked him if he felt it was even and he said that sometimes he feels that I do more than he does. I laughed because I told him that sometimes I feel that he does more than I do. I guess that means it is about even.  ;D




Cat

Just wondering what kind of help you all expect from your spouse? 

Help with household chores?  Yes, I expect him to do stuff around the house.  Usually he is the one who works outside, cuts the grass, washes the cars, cleans the gutters, etc..  He does do some laundry, but I put it away.  I cook all the meals but he'll clean uo the kitchen.

Help with the kids? Of course, he's part of the reason we have kids.  LOL!!  I'm the main caregiver, up with them when they're sick, I changed most of the diapers, did most of the feedings, give the baths.  However after work he spends time with them, and on the weekends he'll take them places.

No help at all? I'd kill him if he didn't help.  LOL!!

And I HATE when he says he has to babysit, I pay someone to babysit and it's not him!!  LOL!!

Well right now, Rice_Cube helps out a lot. He takes on the spawn at night because he's the only one that can handle him at that point. We switch on and off giving him a bath and getting him dressed for bed. When Rice is at work, I watch the kidlet. We don't have our own place just yet (in 1.5 weeks we will. YAY!), so there aren't many household chores to do, just the dishes and vacuuming, and I usually do those.

I know when he goes back to school though, he will have a lot on his mind, so I'm not really expecting him to do much more than watch Jason on Saturdays so I can get laundry done. :) And don't even get me started on letting him cook. :D

From a male perspective I will say this.

Let me take a hypothetical situation.

If I go out to work at about 8:30 and come home at 5:30 to find the house a dump. I'm not going to be best pleased. That's just a fact.

There are not THAT many jobs that need doing, let's be fair.. the thing that takes the time is kids.

When I finished High school and was looking for a job I did everything around the house to give my mom a break.
I'd get up in the morning and usually run the vacuum round the house, make sure all the surfaces were clean etc. Stack the dishwasher etc..etc..etc.

I was almost always totally finished by mid-day.

Now, let's assume one had to take 2 kids to school, Ok, that can add 1-2 hours on to that. Picking them up, again another hour or so.

It is a full time job, but no more than if you're working a 9 to 5.

Now, if both are working, that's different.

There are certain things that are a given though.

If your wife makes dinner, you clear the table and stack the dishwasher.. that's a 10 minute task but it's more a gesture than anything.

If she's worked round the house all day, you take the dog for a walk in the evening, again, no more than a 20-30 minute task but something she dosen't have to do.

From a male perspective I will say this.

Let me take a hypothetical situation.

If I go out to work at about 8:30 and come home at 5:30 to find the house a dump. I'm not going to be best pleased. That's just a fact.

There are not THAT many jobs that need doing, let's be fair.. the thing that takes the time is kids.

When I finished High school and was looking for a job I did everything around the house to give my mom a break.
I'd get up in the morning and usually run the vacuum round the house, make sure all the surfaces were clean etc. Stack the dishwasher etc..etc..etc.

I was almost always totally finished by mid-day.

Now, let's assume one had to take 2 kids to school, Ok, that can add 1-2 hours on to that. Picking them up, again another hour or so.

It is a full time job, but no more than if you're working a 9 to 5.

Now, if both are working, that's different.

There are certain things that are a given though.

If your wife makes dinner, you clear the table and stack the dishwasher.. that's a 10 minute task but it's more a gesture than anything.

If she's worked round the house all day, you take the dog for a walk in the evening, again, no more than a 20-30 minute task but something she dosen't have to do.


All well and good, but the day doesn't end for either the wife/mother of the husband/father at 5:30.  I would also venture that the things you did helped out, but there is more to it than what you did when it is day by day, week by week, year by year.  I work in a male dominated field(construction) and because of it I have been privy to a lot of conversations by men about married life, and have become the go-to woman for opinions and advice.  What I have noticed is that the marriages that last are the ones with the husbands who go home and help around the house, take the kids to different activities, make time to go out with their wives, don't go out after work for a few with the boys unless it is a special occasion, and never never say "well she can do it, she's home all day".  It is a matter of respect for her position, and she in turn respects his going out to work all day.  Then there are the others whose lives do not change when they marry, they go to the bar after work, they go home and expect dinner on the table when they show up(whenever that may be) and say "she's home all day, why can't she do it".  If you can believe it I once had to referee a comversation on whether or not a wife has a right to know what her husbands salary is.  Half said "of course, she's your wife"  and half said "it's my money, I just give her what I think she needs(usually these guys don't have a clue)"  I told them that if they are the kind of guys that don't think their wives had a right to know their salary that she would eventually find out in divorce court anyway.  They looked like this>  :o

The age of the kids makes a big difference.  Most of the moms I know went back to work part-time once their kids were all in full-day school (here, first grade, around age 6).  With very young kids, the task of parenting (mom or dad -- whoever stays home) makes for a long hard day.  Once they get older, there's activities and homework after school, but the day can loosen up a bit if you don't have to work. 

Really, it's a case by case situation.  If you're just thinking about having kids or getting married and later starting a family....talk about these things NOW instead of waiting until they happen.  That would help.

The age of the kids makes a big difference.  Most of the moms I know went back to work part-time once their kids were all in full-day school (here, first grade, around age 6).  With very young kids, the task of parenting (mom or dad -- whoever stays home) makes for a long hard day.  Once they get older, there's activities and homework after school, but the day can loosen up a bit if you don't have to work. 

Really, it's a case by case situation.  If you're just thinking about having kids or getting married and later starting a family....talk about these things NOW instead of waiting until they happen.  That would help.




Very true.  Pre-wedding counseling should not be taken lightly. 

All well and good, but the day doesn't end for either the wife/mother of the husband/father at 5:30.  I would also venture that the things you did helped out, but there is more to it than what you did when it is day by day, week by week, year by year.  I work in a male dominated field(construction) and because of it I have been privy to a lot of conversations by men about married life, and have become the go-to woman for opinions and advice.  What I have noticed is that the marriages that last are the ones with the husbands who go home and help around the house, take the kids to different activities, make time to go out with their wives, don't go out after work for a few with the boys unless it is a special occasion, and never never say "well she can do it, she's home all day".  It is a matter of respect for her position, and she in turn respects his going out to work all day.  Then there are the others whose lives do not change when they marry, they go to the bar after work, they go home and expect dinner on the table when they show up(whenever that may be) and say "she's home all day, why can't she do it".  If you can believe it I once had to referee a comversation on whether or not a wife has a right to know what her husbands salary is.  Half said "of course, she's your wife"  and half said "it's my money, I just give her what I think she needs(usually these guys don't have a clue)"  I told them that if they are the kind of guys that don't think their wives had a right to know their salary that she would eventually find out in divorce court anyway.  They looked like this>  :o



You hit on it big time. As Aretha Franklin said: R-E-S-P-E-C-T.  And that works both ways.



Cat

Well, I don't think men should have the mentality that since THEY work at a "real" job, they are off the hook.  Think of the crap that the woman had to go through to make the baby, go through the training exercises, the weight gain, the mood swings, the sickness and whatever else...and then when the actual day arrives, they have to actually pop the little booger out (GAWD that looked painful).  It would take more than a lifetime of job-work to even compare to something like that.  Yikes!

Just wondering what kind of help you all expect from your spouse? 

Help with household chores?  YES

Help with the kids? YES

No help at all?  may as well be single

I'm just trying to figure out if I'm expecting too much from my husband or if he's being a selfish ass.
He needs to understand how much you do, & what it takes, & he can and should help you with anything that makes your life easier and makes you happy. He needs to let you know he appreciates all you do at home and with the kids. He gets a paycheck for his job, & you don't. He should absolutely help with the chores and kids as much as possible. If he doesn't spend enough quality time with them, they'll be grown up and out of the house and he'll wonder why he didn't do more with them. There is so much to do, one person can't do it all if there are little kids around. I side with you totally on requiring him to pitch in more.  8) You'll be less tired, you'll be happier, and a happy energetic wife is a good thing  ;)

Thanks everyone for your input, you all made a lot of good points  There are so many post that I want to reply to and I'll try.  I guess I should start with what I ask of him.

I used to ask for a lot, but I never got help and I just got used to doing it all and it's getting really old.  When I do ask him to do something, he gives me this weird look....kind of like he can't believe I just asked him that.  He will eventually do it, but the look drives me nuts.  And there are time when I ask him to help me out with certain things.  He will help me out for like one week and then it goes back to the old way.


So, this is what he does.......(aside from work of course)

He mows the lawn. (Every two weeks)

If  he runs out of clothes he will do laundry, but he doesn't fold it or put it away.

I only make a big dinner about three times a week and he will help me clear the table, but he just rinses the dishes and piles them in the sink.  He doesn't stack the dishwasher or clean the crumbs from the table and floor or put left overs in the fridge.


So in short he clears the table a few times a week and mows the lawn twice a month.

In our household, I stay at home and Chris goes out and works.  He works from 7 am to at least 3pm, Monday-Friday.  He does help me with Vaughn (sometimes I need to ask more than once regarding that).  I am the one that does ALL of the cleaning/cooking/laundry, etc. He will occasionally straighten up a room for me (only if I ask), but it is never up to my standards, so I usually like doing it by myself.  Sometimes he clears the table, but I always load the dishwasher, clean up the leftovers, etc.  He is basically in charge of taking the garbage out (I do it occasionally)...and he always mows the lawn (at least once a week).  I am totally in charge of the pets (feeding, cleaning litterbox, etc). He does things around the house (minor fixes), but usually his brother is the one that comes over to repair anything that needs repaired (he's a Mr. Fix-It, while Chris isn't the greatest with those sorts of things).

Ok, so here's one of the things that drives me most insane.  When I try to ask him to do something, it always comes down to us listing all the things we have to do day in and day out.  So when I tell him what I have to do he always comes back with, "Yeah, but you don't have to do that, you just choose to.  There's a big difference between having to do something and choosing to."  For instance, my kids wake up at 8:00....I get up at 6:30 (earlier than him) to take my shower and prepare myself for the day(and I do this 7 days a week).  He tells me that I don't have to get up that early, I can get up at 8:00 when the kids do.  Yeah, it's my effing pleasure to get up early!!!!

I guess to him my job isn't that hard because in all reality, I don't have to do anything.  I can sit on the couch all day if I wanted to.  Which is exactly what he would be doing if he stayed home with the kids.  I just think it's his way of manipulating me and making me feel guilty about him having to go to work.  What pressure! ::)

This just makes me want to be immature and make uncalled for remarks to him.  Like when I make dinner I should say, with a large smile........."You know, I didn't have to make this dinner tonight, but I chose to.  It was my pleasure to make this dinner because I thought it would be nice if you got to eat."

AAAAAHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The thing that makes me the most frustrated is whenever I have taken a lot of time and effort to clean and make the house look really nice, and then he comes home from work, plops his coat/etc on the chair, leaves cups in the livingroom, doesn't clean up crumbs or messes he makes, doesn't put the towel back on the towel rack neatly, etc.. I mean, I don't expect my house to be a showcase (it's far from that)....but it is common courtesy to try to maintain a degree of neatness, especially whenever someone (me) worked so hard at cleaning it.  Sometimes it feels like that is all I live for, cleaning/cooking/driving people around, etc. I am the type of person that really takes pride at the things I do, and when I spend all day cleaning and scrubbing the house, and he takes it for granted and makes messes (for me to clean up)...that really offends me. I mean, it might not seem like much to him, but this is what I do everyday...and it means a lot to me.

In our household, I stay at home and Chris goes out and works.  He works from 7 am to at least 3pm, Monday-Friday.  He does help me with Vaughn (sometimes I need to ask more than once regarding that).  I am the one that does ALL of the cleaning/cooking/laundry, etc. He will occasionally straighten up a room for me (only if I ask), but it is never up to my standards, so I usually like doing it by myself.  Sometimes he clears the table, but I always load the dishwasher, clean up the leftovers, etc.  He is basically in charge of taking the garbage out (I do it occasionally)...and he always mows the lawn (at least once a week).  I am totally in charge of the pets (feeding, cleaning litterbox, etc). He does things around the house (minor fixes), but usually his brother is the one that comes over to repair anything that needs repaired (he's a Mr. Fix-It, while Chris isn't the greatest with those sorts of things).


This sounds very similar to what happens in my house...and I think you are doing too much too.

The thing that makes me the most frustrated is whenever I have taken a lot of time and effort to clean and make the house look really nice, and then he comes home from work, plops his coat/etc on the chair, leaves cups in the livingroom, doesn't clean up crumbs or messes he makes, doesn't put the towel back on the towel rack neatly, etc.. I mean, I don't expect my house to be a showcase (it's far from that)....but it is common courtesy to try to maintain a degree of neatness, especially whenever someone (me) worked so hard at cleaning it.  Sometimes it feels like that is all I live for, cleaning/cooking/driving people around, etc. I am the type of person that really takes pride at the things I do, and when I spend all day cleaning and scrubbing the house, and he takes it for granted and makes messes (for me to clean up)...that really offends me. I mean, it might not seem like much to him, but this is what I do everyday...and it means a lot to me.



Sh*t, if that was my husband, his ass would be sleeping outside until he straightened up.  I'd tell him, "You want to act like an animal, you can live outside with the animals". 

This sounds very similar to what happens in my house...and I think you are doing too much too.





I know. It's hard though because Chris and I differ when it comes to doing chores. He is lazier than I am (at home). I mean, he has no problem going out and working for a living....but when he comes home, he sometimes thinks that he should be able to kick his feet up and simply relax the rest of the evening...while I am still running around cooking dinner, trying to keep an eye on Vaughn, straightening up what he messed up (since coming home from work)..etc.. ::) I will say though that he always lets me sleep in on Saturday mornings, and I love that. Saturday is the only day that I can sleep in, and usually he doesn't make a fuss about getting up with Vaughn (Vaughn always wakes up very early....like around 6 or so).

Sh*t, if that was my husband, his ass would be sleeping outside until he straightened up.  I'd tell him, "You want to act like an animal, you can live outside with the animals". 



ya it is frustrating a lot of the times. Sometimes he makes me feel like I am too much of a neat freak. I know I can take things overboard sometimes, however, most of the time...the things are just common sense kinda stuff. For instance, if you take a towel off of a towel rack to dry your hands.....hang it back up right...don't leave it in a heap on the sink, or just throw it haphazardly on the towel rack. Or...if you make a mess, simply clean it up. It's not like I asking him to climb Mt. Everest or something!! ;) ::)

I'm not a stay at home mom anymore. Sometimes I wish I was  :(

I'm not a stay at home mom anymore. Sometimes I wish I was  :(



As soon as Vaughn starts kindergarten (one more year), I am going back to work. Sometimes I like being at home...but I get bored very easily.

I know. It's hard though because Chris and I differ when it comes to doing chores. He is lazier than I am (at home). I mean, he has no problem going out and working for a living....but when he comes home, he sometimes thinks that he should be able to kick his feet up and simply relax the rest of the evening...while I am still running around cooking dinner, trying to keep an eye on Vaughn, straightening up what he messed up (since coming home from work)..etc.. ::) I will say though that he always lets me sleep in on Saturday mornings, and I love that. Saturday is the only day that I can sleep in, and usually he doesn't make a fuss about getting up with Vaughn (Vaughn always wakes up very early....like around 6 or so).


This is basically our problem too.  You see, George likes the house to be clean, but he doesn't want to be the one to clean it.  And he thinks small messes are fine as long as they are convenient for him.  Like his Ipod, wallet and car keys on the kitchen counter, his jacket on the back of the couch and his size 14 shoes causing a tripping hazard in the hallway.  He will occasionally put his shoes in the bedroom, but he puts them on the floor between the bed and the dresser....another hazard....and his closet is two feet away.  *sigh* ::)

The thing that makes me the most frustrated is whenever I have taken a lot of time and effort to clean and make the house look really nice, and then he comes home from work, plops his coat/etc on the chair, leaves cups in the livingroom, doesn't clean up crumbs or messes he makes, doesn't put the towel back on the towel rack neatly, etc.. I mean, I don't expect my house to be a showcase (it's far from that)....but it is common courtesy to try to maintain a degree of neatness, especially whenever someone (me) worked so hard at cleaning it.  Sometimes it feels like that is all I live for, cleaning/cooking/driving people around, etc. I am the type of person that really takes pride at the things I do, and when I spend all day cleaning and scrubbing the house, and he takes it for granted and makes messes (for me to clean up)...that really offends me. I mean, it might not seem like much to him, but this is what I do everyday...and it means a lot to me.
Well I had a similar thing with Ian. I never loose my temper and we never argue, but this one time I had had a very long day from hell at work and he had been at home all day. I came home to utter chaos and him asking what was for dinner. As a dear friend of mine would say the red mist descended and I let him have it ! Funnily enough it has never happened again to that extent  ;D . He does a fair amount around the house but I still do the lion's share but then I guess I like things to be tidier than him, he genuinly doesn't seem to see stuff.   

This is basically our problem too.  You see, George likes the house to be clean, but he doesn't want to be the one to clean it.  And he thinks small messes are fine as long as they are convenient for him.  Like his Ipod, wallet and car keys on the kitchen counter, his jacket on the back of the couch and his size 14 shoes causing a tripping hazard in the hallway.  He will occasionally put his shoes in the bedroom, but he puts them on the floor between the bed and the dresser....another hazard....and his closet is two feet away.  *sigh* ::)



I know what you mean. I just cannot understand why it is SO difficult for them to just clean up after themselves. I mean, it's not like they have to really CLEAN....all we ask of them is to keep it clean by remembering to put away their own belongings.  There is nothing I hate more than to walk into a newly cleaned livingroom and see numerous cups and/or wrappers, etc..sitting on the coffee table...to me, that is so disrespectful.  I also hate that people will just throw dirty dishes in the sink, whenever the dishwasher is literally right next to it. GRRR! >:(

Ok, so here's one of the things that drives me most insane.  When I try to ask him to do something, it always comes down to us listing all the things we have to do day in and day out.  So when I tell him what I have to do he always comes back with, "Yeah, but you don't have to do that, you just choose to.  There's a big difference between having to do something and choosing to."  For instance, my kids wake up at 8:00....I get up at 6:30 (earlier than him) to take my shower and prepare myself for the day(and I do this 7 days a week).  He tells me that I don't have to get up that early, I can get up at 8:00 when the kids do.  Yeah, it's my effing pleasure to get up early!!!!

I guess to him my job isn't that hard because in all reality, I don't have to do anything.  I can sit on the couch all day if I wanted to.  Which is exactly what he would be doing if he stayed home with the kids.  I just think it's his way of manipulating me and making me feel guilty about him having to go to work.  What pressure! ::)

This just makes me want to be immature and make uncalled for remarks to him.  Like when I make dinner I should say, with a large smile........."You know, I didn't have to make this dinner tonight, but I chose to.  It was my pleasure to make this dinner because I thought it would be nice if you got to eat."

AAAAAHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Do you think you would be able to stand it if you stopped doing everything and 'chose not to' ? I mean just to make the point of exactly how much you do do?

As soon as Vaughn starts kindergarten (one more year), I am going back to work. Sometimes I like being at home...but I get bored very easily.


I was considering putting the kids in daycare and going back to work, but then I thought about it and realized that I would still have to come home and do all the same crap and have a job on top of it.  Forget about it!  

Changing the subject:

Being in the military there are a lot of wives that don't work and they don't have kids or their kids are in school.  If that was my situation I could totally understand my husband having an expectation of me doing everything around the house.  Once you throw kids into the mix it changes everything.  

I was considering putting the kids in daycare and going back to work, but then I thought about it and realized that I would still have to come home and do all the same crap and have a job on top of it.  Forget about it! 

Changing the subject:

Being in the military there are a lot of wives that don't work and they don't have kids or their kids are in school.  If that was my situation I could totally understand my husband having an expectation of me doing everything around the house.  Once you throw kids into the mix it changes everything. 
So true ! My brother only realised that when he had to care for my nephew on his own for a few days, he soon found out just how much extra work children make !

 



Being in the military there are a lot of wives that don't work and they don't have kids or their kids are in school.  If that was my situation I could totally understand my husband having an expectation of me doing everything around the house.  Once you throw kids into the mix it changes everything.  



Yes it TOTALLY changes everything.  It is hard enough keeping everything clean...but when you add kids, it sometimes makes it nearly impossible.  See, in my situation, Vaughn is the type that always has to be entertained, and I just cannot do that ALL the time.  He follows me around everywhere and makes it hard to be able to get anything accomplished. Sometimes (not very often) he will help me by dusting, picking up things, etc.

Do you think you would be able to stand it if you stopped doing everything and 'chose not to' ? I mean just to make the point of exactly how much you do do?


I've considered this many times, but I don't think I would be able to stand it because I have to be functional with the kids all day and that much clutter would really send me through the roof.  I really think that one day I'm going to have to resort to this though.

You sound like you need this reality t.v show they had in the U.K where they sent the wife on a relaxing break for two weeks and made the husband run the home under the strict eye of someone like his mother in law. It was funny to watch but also interesting to see the men's attitude change ! 

LOL  This has become a hot topic!  I must "choose" to take out the whip and start the daily routine, as I am behind now. http://bestsmileys.com/whipping/1.gif

I've read a couple of articles about moms who went on strike.  Quite effective.

I am always saying that I am gonna stop doing so much and leave Chris on his own...but then I start to envision how the house will look...and it freaks me out! :o

I've worked and stayed at home and I think it was actually easier when I was working.  Since there was noone home all day, there wasn't much "mess" to clean up.  Now, it seems I can never get "on top of it".....I'll get one room cleaned, move to the next and by the time that one is clean, the first one is messy....the same with laundry.  I also do a lion's share of the work, but that's mostly because hubby's out of town quite a bit.  It's actually easier when he's gone (especially when he's gone for a week at a time) because the kids and I get into a routine and when he gets home, it's out the window.  When he's gone, I do the laundry, dishes, take care of the lawn, clean, run with the kids, etc.  and it's hard to shift from "doing it all" to "asking for help" mode.....plus, since he doesn't have a "regular" schedule when he travels (sometimes he's gone a day or two, sometimes a full week, sometimes he's home all week) so it's hard to plan ahead.  I think sometimes it's just easier to continue doing it all even when he's home because it's not worth the aggravation of asking him to do it and getting annoyed when he doesn't do it right away ;D 

My advice:  ask him to make a list of what he thinks you "have" to do.  Then, only do those things for a week or two and let him see what happens.  I did that with hubby and he stopped complaining and started helping more when he's home.  Then again, he was more "anal" about things being "perfect" than I was so it drove him batty.....it probably wouldn't have worked if things were reversed.

I was going to suggest to those whose husbands do not help out (but a few have already beaten me to it) about going on strike. I did that one time with my first husband. I did not clean up his mess-and it is amazing that he did. So it did work. The difference though is that we didn't have kids. I know it is hard to go out on strike when there are kids involved. But if you can do it for just a day, I think he may get the point.



Cat

Being in the military there are a lot of wives that don't work and they don't have kids or their kids are in school.  If that was my situation I could totally understand my husband having an expectation of me doing everything around the house.  Once you throw kids into the mix it changes everything. 


Correct.

See, here's the thing.

Like I said. When I was unemployed living with my mom and dad, I did everything round the house to give my mom a break. It took me 2 or 3 hours and that was keeping everything spotless.
If there are no kids it is an easy job to do.
However, they complicate everything.
Then it really does become a case of time management, until they go to school.. and by the time they go to school they generally do there own thing at home anyway.

I am a firm believer that everyone in the household should share in maintaining it. If the husband (or wife) works outside the home, he (she) is still a part of that household and still has responsibility to the household. Even the kids should help to maintain things-chores-taking out the garbage, doing the dishes, etc. When it comes to taking care of the kids-BOTH parents SHOULD be responable. It takes 2 to bring them into this world, 2 should take care of them. I know that isn't always the case but if a man (or a woman) is in the household, they should also be the adult and take the responabilty.

I agree with you, Cat.  :)

I've been lucky in that my husband has always helped out around the house (unlike his very lazy father who lives with us). 

I guess to him my job isn't that hard because in all reality, I don't have to do anything.  I can sit on the couch all day if I wanted to.  Which is exactly what he would be doing if he stayed home with the kids.  I just think it's his way of manipulating me and making me feel guilty about him having to go to work.  What pressure! ::)


That's an unfair statement for him to make though.  I recall reading an interesting article talking about stay-at-home moms and what they should be paid, and it was around a quarter million dollars per year.  That's because the stay-at-home mom has to be the financial planner, the teacher, the babysitter, the cook, the CEO (I DARE any man to deny this, she IS your boss!) and on-call concubine (I made that one up, please don't kill me honey!  :-*  HAHAHA).  Not to mention having to chauffeur the kids around, being a butler to clean up the house, doing random tasks as the house secretary, etc. etc. 

You cannot underestimate the value of a stay-at-home mom like that.  If you don't have her, the kids go to day-care, and I dare say that it won't be as beneficial to the children.

That's an unfair statement for him to make though.  I recall reading an interesting article talking about stay-at-home moms and what they should be paid, and it was around a quarter million dollars per year.  That's because the stay-at-home mom has to be the financial planner, the teacher, the babysitter, the cook, the CEO (I DARE any man to deny this, she IS your boss!) and on-call concubine (I made that one up, please don't kill me honey!  :-*  HAHAHA).  Not to mention having to chauffeur the kids around, being a butler to clean up the house, doing random tasks as the house secretary, etc. etc. 

You cannot underestimate the value of a stay-at-home mom like that.  If you don't have her, the kids go to day-care, and I dare say that it won't be as beneficial to the children.



In our household, I am not the boss-nor is he. We truly have a partnership.



Cat

In our household, I am not the boss-nor is he. We truly have a partnership.



Cat


Same here.  :)

That's an unfair statement for him to make though.  I recall reading an interesting article talking about stay-at-home moms and what they should be paid, and it was around a quarter million dollars per year.  That's because the stay-at-home mom has to be the financial planner, the teacher, the babysitter, the cook, the CEO (I DARE any man to deny this, she IS your boss!) and on-call concubine (I made that one up, please don't kill me honey!  :-*  HAHAHA).  Not to mention having to chauffeur the kids around, being a butler to clean up the house, doing random tasks as the house secretary, etc. etc. 

You cannot underestimate the value of a stay-at-home mom like that.  If you don't have her, the kids go to day-care, and I dare say that it won't be as beneficial to the children.
Actually, when you get life insurance and you have kids, they figure it out at $85K/year to hire someone to do the "mom's job" if she dies.....now, granted, that doesn't include financial planner or concubine....I figure if those are included, I'm worth WAAYYY more than 1/4 million/year ;D

Actually, when you get life insurance and you have kids, they figure it out at $85K/year to hire someone to do the "mom's job" if she dies.....now, granted, that doesn't include financial planner or concubine....I figure if those are included, I'm worth WAAYYY more than 1/4 million/year ;D


We have life insurance.  I made sure that we got enough so that if I tanked, Jess would be able to have enough to live on such that she wouldn't have to work and could spend her energy taking care of the baby...and hopefully also mourning my loss ;D 

That's an unfair statement for him to make though.  I recall reading an interesting article talking about stay-at-home moms and what they should be paid, and it was around a quarter million dollars per year.  That's because the stay-at-home mom has to be the financial planner, the teacher, the babysitter, the cook, the CEO (I DARE any man to deny this, she IS your boss!) and on-call concubine (I made that one up, please don't kill me honey!   :-*  HAHAHA).  Not to mention having to chauffeur the kids around, being a butler to clean up the house, doing random tasks as the house secretary, etc. etc. 

You cannot underestimate the value of a stay-at-home mom like that.  If you don't have her, the kids go to day-care, and I dare say that it won't be as beneficial to the children.


I've read that article, it was interesting.  And you're right about the on call concubine.  How much would that be a pop? ;D

I've considered showing him the article, but he would say that it was a bunch of BS.

Here's the link.....http://money.cnn.com/2006/05/03/pf/mothers_work/index.htm?eref=yahoo

Correct.

See, here's the thing.

Like I said. When I was unemployed living with my mom and dad, I did everything round the house to give my mom a break. It took me 2 or 3 hours and that was keeping everything spotless.
If there are no kids it is an easy job to do.
However, they complicate everything.
Then it really does become a case of time management, until they go to school.. and by the time they go to school they generally do there own thing at home anyway.


That was very cool and very responsible of you to do that, but since you chose to do it, it doesn't count and you can't toot your horn about it.  JUST KIDDING! :D

Seriously though, that is definitely the responsible and respectful thing to do. :)

This Queen will continue to reside in her own castle.  The King is invited to call  ;)

So, this is what he does.......(aside from work of course)

He mows the lawn. (Every two weeks)

If  he runs out of clothes he will do laundry, but he doesn't fold it or put it away.

I only make a big dinner about three times a week and he will help me clear the table, but he just rinses the dishes and piles them in the sink.  He doesn't stack the dishwasher or clean the crumbs from the table and floor or put left overs in the fridge.


Hell, even I do more then that, and I'm 15 years old with no siblings. I mow the lawn WEEKLY, wash the dishes every night, take care of our pet, clean, take care of trash... I'd expect more from any memeber of the household, especially a competent adult. Unless he has a really, really high-stress job or something.. I mean, like, driving trucks full of Nitroglycerol over rickety wooden bridges on unicycles or something, THAT level of stress.

Hell, even I do more then that, and I'm 15 years old with no siblings. I mow the lawn WEEKLY, wash the dishes every night, take care of our pet, clean, take care of trash... I'd expect more from any memeber of the household, especially a competent adult. Unless he has a really, really high-stress job or something.. I mean, like, driving trucks full of Nitroglycerol over rickety wooden bridges on unicycles or something, THAT level of stress.



I do more than that and I'm 23 with an 18 year old sister.  My parents come home from work too tired to do a lot so my sister and I are expected to have at least started dinner, started the laundry, taken out the trash, cleaned up after the pets, loaded the dishwasher, set the table, done the housework, make the beds, and do any shopping that must be done. 

My parents work too hard at the office to come home and work some more.  They have 2 able-bodied adult children.  On the weekends my parents do a lot of the cleaning and stuff because they're not working and have the time to do it and not overwork themselves.  But Monday-Friday, that's Karen and I's job. 

Hell, even I do more then that, and I'm 15 years old with no siblings. I mow the lawn WEEKLY, wash the dishes every night, take care of our pet, clean, take care of trash... I'd expect more from any memeber of the household, especially a competent adult. Unless he has a really, really high-stress job or something.. I mean, like, driving trucks full of Nitroglycerol over rickety wooden bridges on unicycles or something, THAT level of stress.


LOL  His job can get stressfull at times since he is training to fly jets, but it's not stressful everyday.  He will have a few weeks with a lot of studying and stress and then a few weeks where he will fly for two hours and then has the rest of the day off.  But the thing is, when he's doing a lot at work I don't expect him to help at home.  There are times when he will have two weeks off at a time and I get nothing out of him. ::)

I guess the bottom line is that I have to keep asking for help even if it is easier for me to do it myself.  That way he kind of gets in the habit of doing something.

We had a breakthrough today!  I was serving dinner tonight and he actually got them their drinks for dinner! :D  Hey, it's the little things that make me happy at this point. ;D

LOL  His job can get stressfull at times since he is training to fly jets, but it's not stressful everyday.  He will have a few weeks with a lot of studying and stress and then a few weeks where he will fly for two hours and then has the rest of the day off.  But the thing is, when he's doing a lot at work I don't expect him to help at home.  There are times when he will have two weeks off at a time and I get nothing out of him. ::)

I guess the bottom line is that I have to keep asking for help even if it is easier for me to do it myself.  That way he kind of gets in the habit of doing something.

We had a breakthrough today!  I was serving dinner tonight and he actually got them their drinks for dinner! :D  Hey, it's the little things that make me happy at this point. ;D


Oy vez, I'd be on a jet, leaving on a jet plane.  This isn't right, it is seriously disrespectful if he doesn't lift a finger when he is off. 

Fortunately I have no kids yet.

Fortunately I have no kids yet.


Plus you'd look pretty fuc.kin funny walking around in an apron with curlers in your hair.

LOL  His job can get stressfull at times since he is training to fly jets, but it's not stressful everyday.  He will have a few weeks with a lot of studying and stress and then a few weeks where he will fly for two hours and then has the rest of the day off.  But the thing is, when he's doing a lot at work I don't expect him to help at home.  There are times when he will have two weeks off at a time and I get nothing out of him. ::)

I guess the bottom line is that I have to keep asking for help even if it is easier for me to do it myself.  That way he kind of gets in the habit of doing something.



I was thinking about this last night.  Perhaps it is because at the times when he is busier you do everything for yourself he doesn't see the need to do anything.  You clearly have things under control.  Perhaps you could post up a list of tasks that need to be done each day/week and tick them off as you do them.  Then when your husband isn't quite so busy you could suggest he checks the list and does one or two things.

I was thinking about this last night.  Perhaps it is because at the times when he is busier you do everything for yourself he doesn't see the need to do anything.  You clearly have things under control.  Perhaps you could post up a list of tasks that need to be done each day/week and tick them off as you do them.  Then when your husband isn't quite so busy you could suggest he checks the list and does one or two things.


LOL  This is funny because my sister and I were talking about this yesterday.  She says she has to make a list of things that need to be done.  If her husband sees the list, he will do some of the items on it.  If there is no list it doesn't cross his mind to do anything.

I'm glad you brought this up because I had already forgotten about my conversation with my sister yesterday. ;D  I think I will try this, thanks. :)

LOL  This is funny because my sister and I were talking about this yesterday.  She says she has to make a list of things that need to be done.  If her husband sees the list, he will do some of the items on it.  If there is no list it doesn't cross his mind to do anything.


This is true.

I like to think that the three of us who live here keep the place fairly clean and presentable.

Anyway, a friend of my mom's was in town and she came to say Hello. She asked why I'd never done x, y and z.. my answer was that it had never even occured to me.
It wasn't any of us being lazy, it had just never even crossed any of our minds.

LOL  This is funny because my sister and I were talking about this yesterday.  She says she has to make a list of things that need to be done.  If her husband sees the list, he will do some of the items on it.  If there is no list it doesn't cross his mind to do anything.

I'm glad you brought this up because I had already forgotten about my conversation with my sister yesterday. ;D  I think I will try this, thanks. :)



Good old "Honey-do" list.  "Honey do this. Honey do that." I have had my share of those too.  ;)




Cat

If i did one of those for Ian he'd only go and lose it.  ::)

If i did one of those for Ian he'd only go and lose it.  ::)


Our list is pinned up so we all know where it is.  The list is more for the longer term things that need doing and we revise it every so often.