"Yeah, I be drivin' my SUV, destroying the planet is cool."

Jealous?

It's a well known fact that average American hygeine is approximately 2.4 times better than yours.

Jealous?

It's a well known fact that average American hygeine is approximately 2.4 times better than yours.


I am American  ;D

hey! where's the love? when the right-wing crackdown comes we're all gonna have to stick together. dag.

i'm with ya about the SUVs though. pain in the butt. a lot of times i park in a free and clear spot, and then when i come back out two huge suvs have parked on either side of me and when i pull back out it's pretty much an act of faith cuz i can't see dik on either side.

I am American  ;D


I know.

hey! where's the love? when the right-wing crackdown comes we're all gonna have to stick together. dag.

i'm with ya about the SUVs though. pain in the butt. a lot of times i park in a free and clear spot, and then when i come back out two huge suvs have parked on either side of me and when i pull back out it's pretty much an act of faith cuz i can't see dik on either side.


Once, as I was coming out of Wal-Mart, I witnessed a giant SUV pulling in beside my car, which made it very difficult for me to get into my car.  I could tell he did it on purpose because there was no car in the adjacent spot to the one he pulled into, and he pulled real close to me.  So as I opened my door, I "accidentally" keyed his car  ;D

Letter from John Cleese

To the citizens of the United States of America, in light of your failure to
elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we
hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today,
25 October 2005.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II resumes monarchical duties over all
states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not
fancy.

Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.8%
of you who have, until now, been unaware there's a world outside your
borders) will appoint a Minister for America. Congress and the Senate are
disbanded. A questionnaire circulated next year will determine whether any
of you noticed.

To aid your transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules
are introduced with immediate effect:

1. Look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Check "aluminium"
in the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you
pronounce it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour'
and 'neighbour'. Likewise you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without
skipping half the letters. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to
acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary".  Using the same twenty-seven words
interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an
unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed".

There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old
enough to cope with bad language then you should not have chat shows.

2. There is no such thing as "U.S. English". We'll let Microsoft know on
your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of
the reinstated letter 'u'.

3. You should learn to distinguish English and Australian accents. It really
isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney, upper-class
twit, or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). Scottish dramas such as 'Taggart'
will no longer be broadcast with subtitles.  You must learn that there is no
such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon". If
you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become
"shires" e.g. Texasshire Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen",
but only after fully carrying out task 1.

5. You should stop playing American "football". There's only one kind of
football. What you call American "football" is not a very good game. The
2.1% of you aware there is a world outside your borders may have noticed no
one else plays "American" football. You should instead play proper football.

Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls.  Those of you
brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to
American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty
seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like nancies). You should stop
playing baseball. It's not reasonable to host an event called the 'World
Series' for a game which is not played outside of America.  Instead of
baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders", which
is baseball without fancy team stripe, oversized gloves, collector cards, or
hotdogs.

6. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns or anything more
dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because you are not sensible
enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will need a permit to
carry a vegetable peeler.

7. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. October 25th will be a new
national holiday. It will be called "Indecisive Day".

8. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own
good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All
road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start
driving on the left. At the same time, you will go metric without the
benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you
understand the British sense of humour.

9. Learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real
chips. Fries aren't French, they're Belgian though 97.8% of you (including
the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country
called Belgium. Potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are
thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is
beer which should be served warm and flat.

10. The cold tasteless stuff you call beer is actually lager. Only proper
British Bitter will be referred to as "beer". Substances once known as
"American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's
Urine", except for the product of the American Budweiser Company which will
be called "Weak Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine." This will allow true Budweiser
(as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be
sold without risk of confusion.

11. The UK will harmonise petrol prices (or "Gasoline", as you will be
permitted to keep calling it) for those of the former USA, adopting UK
petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon, get used to it).

12. Learn to resolve personal issues without guns, lawyers, or therapists.
That you need so many lawyers and therapists shows you're not adult enough
to be independent. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without
suing someone or speaking to a therapist, you're not grown up enough to
handle a gun.

13. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

14. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to
ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your co-operation.

John Cleese







Cat