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Subject: I Like Monkeys
Written By: jiminy on 04/09/05 at 6:07 pm
I Like Monkeys
by Mark Bakalor
I like monkeys.
The pet store was selling them for 5 cents apiece. I thought this was unusual since they were normally a few thousand dollars. I decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth so I bought two hundred of them. I like monkeys.
I took my two hundred monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one of them drive. His name was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact none of them were very bright. They kept punching themselves in the genitals. I laughed. They punched me in the genitals. I stopped laughing.
I herded them into my room. They didn't adapt too well to their new environment. They would screech and hurl themselves off the couch at high speeds and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first, the spectacle lost its novelty halfway into its third hour.
Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive; they all died. No apparent reason. They all just dropped dead. Kinda like when you buy a goldfish and five hours later it dies. God damn cheap monkeys.
I didn't know what to do. There were two hundred dead monkeys lying all over my room, on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. It looked like I had 200 throw rugs. I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didn't work. It got stuck. Then I had one dead, wet monkey and one hundred ninety-nine dead, dry monkeys.
I tried to pretend that they were just stuffed animals. That worked for awhile, that is until they began to decompose. It started to smell really bad.
I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in my toilet and I didn't want to call a plumber. I was embarrassed.
I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them. Unfortunately there was only enough room for two at a time, so I had to change them out every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food so it didn't go bad.
I tried to burn them, but I didn't know that my bed was flammable. I had to extinguish the flames.
Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys in my freezer, and one hundred ninety-seven dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed. The odor wasn't improving.
I became agitated at my inability to dispose of the dead monkeys and I really had to use the bathroom. So I went and severely beat one of the monkeys. I felt better.
I tried throwing them away but the garbage man said that the city was not allowed to dispose of charred primates. I told him I had a wet one. He couldn't take it either. I didn't bother asking about the frozen ones.
I finally arrived at a solution. I gave them out as Christmas presents. My friends pretended to like them, but I could tell they were lying. Ingrates. So I punched them in the genitals.
I like monkeys.
Subject: Re: I Like Monkeys
Written By: JamieMcBain on 04/09/05 at 6:54 pm
::)
Subject: Re: I Like Monkeys
Written By: AngeliK on 04/09/05 at 6:56 pm
All I can say is nobody but you could have posted that Jim, nobody but you.
Subject: Re: I Like Monkeys
Written By: jiminy on 04/09/05 at 6:58 pm
All I can say is nobody but you could have posted that Jim, nobody but you.
how about this one? ::)
Subject: Re: I Like Monkeys
Written By: AngeliK on 04/09/05 at 7:01 pm
I am sitting here being quietly amused ;D (Chris is watching tv)
You really do like monkeys don't you!
Subject: Re: I Like Monkeys
Written By: jiminy on 04/09/05 at 7:03 pm
Monkeys are funny  ;D
Subject: Re: I Like Monkeys
Written By: JamieMcBain on 04/09/05 at 9:24 pm
Jiminy must be the weirdst person on here, and I mean that in the nicest way possible! ;D
Subject: Re: I Like Monkeys
Written By: jiminy on 04/09/05 at 9:34 pm
Jiminy must be the weirdst person on here, and I mean that in the nicest way possible! ;D
Thanks, in a strange way ;D
Subject: Re: I Like Monkeys
Written By: jiminy on 04/10/05 at 12:22 am
something interesting... well it was interesting to me :P ;D
Subject: Re: I Like Monkeys
Written By: JamieMcBain on 04/10/05 at 3:50 pm
Thanks, in a strange way ;D
;D
Subject: Re: I Like Monkeys
Written By: jackas on 04/14/05 at 12:08 am
http://instagiber.net/smiliesdotcom/cwm/cwm/piss2.gif
Subject: Re: I Like Monkeys
Written By: jiminy on 04/14/05 at 12:17 am
http://instagiber.net/smiliesdotcom/cwm/cwm/piss2.gif
monkey pee monkey do
Subject: Re: I Like Monkeys
Written By: jackas on 04/14/05 at 12:20 am
monkey pee monkey do
;D ;D I couldn't decide if that should go in the pee thread or this one. ::)
Subject: Re: I Like Monkeys
Written By: jiminy on 04/14/05 at 12:26 am
;D ;D I couldn't decide if that should go in the pee thread or this one. ::)
put him in both  ;)
Subject: Re: I Like Monkeys
Written By: quirky_cat_girl on 04/14/05 at 10:21 am
I have a statue in my livingroom of the "see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil" monkies...
BUT.
I do NOT like monkeys....they are very touchy feely animals....and very perverted......
hmmm..reminds me of most men....
and that is why i don't like most men!! LOL!
Erin :)
Subject: Re: I Like Monkeys
Written By: Marty McFly on 04/14/05 at 10:22 am
Cool article, Jiminy -- funny though, I thought this was a thread about you liking monkeys, LOL!
Subject: Re: I Like Monkeys
Written By: jackas on 04/14/05 at 11:00 am
I have a statue in my livingroom of the "see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil" monkies...
BUT.
I do NOT like monkeys....they are very touchy feely animals....and very perverted......
hmmm..reminds me of most men....
and that is why i don't like most men!! LOL!
Erin :)
LOL ;D
Subject: Re: I Like Monkeys
Written By: Mr Tumnus on 04/14/05 at 1:58 pm
Monkeys are funny  ;D
Langur monkeys are the cutest little things ever. :)
Subject: Re: I Like Monkeys
Written By: jiminy on 04/14/05 at 4:27 pm
SET HOWARD FREE!
Subject: Re: I Like Monkeys
Written By: jackas on 04/14/05 at 4:49 pm
SET HOWARD FREE!
;D ;D
Subject: Re: I Like Monkeys
Written By: Mr Tumnus on 04/14/05 at 5:15 pm
SET HOWARD FREE!
HAHAHAHAHA (Sorry Howard, but that looks sooo funny.) ;D