Hi everyone. I don't usually make posts like this, but I have to open up to someone. I just had to disappoint my teenage daughter by telling her I wasn't going to take her to a Lord of the Rings exhibition tomorrow that I'd bought tickets for as a family Christmas present. My daughter lives with her mother and doesn't really get a lot of discipline. When my wife and I tried to introduce a few house rules to her when she was living with us for a few months she went right off the rails and our relationship hasn't been very close since. Twice this year she has made plans with me to come visit for a week or so. Of course I've looked forward to her visits and made plans with her in regards to picking her up and bringing her home. On the first occasion, I went to her friend's place to meet her and she wasn't there. She'd gone out for the day, without calling to say she'd decided not to come. The second time, we organised a camping weekend with my daughter, my wife and my nephew. We planned it to be a way to reconcile and to help her into my new family. On the night before I was to meet her at the railway station I rang to ask her what time she would be there and she told me she wasn't coming. Again, I was bitterly upset. For Christmas she suggested we go to this exhibition, so I bought a family ticket for the three of us for tomorrow, and together we organised for her to come up on Wednesday (two days ago) and spend some time with us painting our next child's room (due in May) and come with us to the ultrasound today. Again, it was meant to be a way to bring her into my new family and put the past behind us. On Wednesday night, after we had waited for her all day, she rang to say she wasn't coming for the visit, but would meet us at the exhibition tomorrow. So I decided that just wasn't good enough. The whole week was meant to be a family time, not just an excuse for her to go to the museum with us, so when she rang just now, I told her I didn't want her to come. I feel completely terrible about it because it was her idea, but I just can't keep letting her slap me in the face all the time. I'm sorry to burden you guys with this, but I had to get it out.

:(

I guess that was a tough decision to make Powerslave but eventually your daughter needs to see your side of things.  You've made several attempts to make her feel part of the family and she has rejected them.  Not in a straighforward way either but by letting you down at the last minute.

Maybe it's time to move on.  Let your daughter know that you will always be there for you if she needs you but you are not going to keep on having the whole of your family upset because she can't or won't stick to arrangements you've made.  I expect that to be hard for you to say but maybe its what she needs to make her realise what she has been missing out on.

karen

Nothing I can really add to karen's post above, except don't beat yourself up Powerslave...sometimes being 'cruel to be kind' (there's a song there somewhere...!) is the only way...

Hope things work out eventually...speaking from personal experience, they normally do over time...all the best...

Hang in there man.  The tough stuff sucks big time.  :(

It's impossible not to let it get to you, but you need to try.  I hope it works out for the better sooner rather than later.  :)

Bloody kids  :(  One day she'll realise what a great Dad she's got.

feel better PS. ;)






Howard

Paul, the song is 'Cruel to be kind'  by Nick Lowe (you knew that already. I'm sure  ;)). I have it on a compilation CD somewhere and I love it.

Poor Powerslave. Of course, I agree with everybody on the board here. A family situation like yours is a very difficult thing to achieve without full co-operation from everybody. If she isn't pulling her weight, you've got to let go a little.  :-\\

As bad as you are feeling right now. You will feel better about your decision later on, I'm sure.  ;)

You are doing the right thing, Powerslave.  I know it's hard, but keep it up. :)

I agree with Dagwood in that you are doing the right thing, Powerslave.  It may take a while, but I think eventually she'll come around and realize that you're just trying to let her know that you are there and that you care.  :)

Hey Power :)

I am not a parent and I never will be - but can see this from both points of view.

I was a teenager during my parents divorce - as were many of my friends at the time - and when I look back at the dreadful mindgames and cr*p we played on our parents it horrifies me. Playing each parent off each other etc.  Being totally inconsiderate etc.

After I "disappeared" for several nights in a row I came home to find my dad (who was raising me) at the kitchen table in tears. He was in the midst of deciding whether or not to report me missing to the police. 

These days as an adult - my closest friend has a 15 year old daughter who has just been committed to 16 months detention.  Over 2 years she went from being a real nice kid - to an absolute monster. Running away, taking drugs, mental mind games, playing family members against each other, stealing , wagging school etc etc  The final straw was bringing home two street kids and bashing her mother (my friend) while her new friends ransacked the place stealing every they could carry.

It took about 15 of us to tell her that this was no daughter - this was a creature of the streets who no longer respected her upbringing, her parents, her education, her life.  Finally my friend agreed it was the last straw and had her charged with assault. It was the toughest decision of her life and now the daughter will hopefully finish high school while locked up. Who knows - she may come out worse - she may come out a better person.

So I dont envy being a rebellious teen during a parents divorce - but I sure as hell dont envy the mental anguish a parent goes thru.

I wish you all the best with it Power - no one is pretending there is a simple solution - just patience and discipline.  Sometimes you will have these situations where you have to be the mean toughie who cancelled an event.
Best of luck with the remaining months of your partners pregnancy too :)

May you be better.  :)

I hope you fell better soon, man. As tough of a thing as that was for you to do, it was the right thing; as others have already posted. Perhaps she will now learn to stop taking you for granted. All the best. We're always here for ya'.

Thanks all!

You know when, sometimes you have stuff on your mind, then you go  to sleep and when you wake up, everything's ok? Well, that's what happened.  :) And the exhibition was rather cool as well.

Thanks all!

You know when, sometimes you have stuff on your mind, then you go  to sleep and when you wake up, everything's ok? Well, that's what happened.  :) And the exhibition was rather cool as well.


That's the way, Powerslave.  :D

I'd also add, unless you've done this already, as serious sit down, one on one, just you and
her, to let her know what the rules are in this situation.  She may be having big problems with
a new baby coming.  She may be thinking that a new baby will take all your love from her. 
Maybe a good idea if there was a "peer counseling" group where she lives.  Maybe she is being a
b*tch, or maybe she is running scared.  ???

Thanks all!

You know when, sometimes you have stuff on your mind, then you go  to sleep and when you wake up, everything's ok? Well, that's what happened.  :) And the exhibition was rather cool as well.

I'm glad everything worked out for you. I was going to say something about how I have a 16 year old daughter and sometimes you just want to strangle them!  ;) But, I guess you already know that! Things will work out, believe me, I know it's a struggle to raise a teenager. Just showing your concern here, shows that you are a loving father and hopefully if you talk to her and let her know that what she's doing is hurting you, then she might begin to see your side of things. Good luck to you!  :)

You know when, sometimes you have stuff on your mind, then you go to sleep and when you wake up, everything's ok? Well, that's what happened. :) And the exhibition was rather cool as well.


I know that feeling and I'm pleased to hear it all worked out Powerslave  :)

Added - my husband took his niece and nephew to that exhibition and they thought it was pretty cool too ! :D