OBSERVATIONS

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord
doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.

My mum was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice.
For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father.

I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to
go swimming.

I was doing some decorating, so I got out my stepladder. I don't get
on with my real ladder.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I
ordered French Toast during the renaissance.

My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably
why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.

Sex is like a game of bridge: If you don't have a good partner,
you'd better have a good hand.

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour
said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough.'

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of
meat?

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and
give the wrong answers.

You know that look women get when they want s*x? Me neither.


QUESTIONS

Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to
the core of the earth?

Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your *rse?

Why is it called 'Alcoholics Anonymous' when the first thing you do is
stand up and say, 'My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic'?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for
centuries' have a 'use by' date?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a
horrible crisp no one would eat?

Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but
don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

What do you call male ballerinas?

Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion
stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is
wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad
atyou but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out of
the window?

We're all beggin' for mercy here.

<collapses....THUD...> ROFLMFAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ;D ;D ;D ;D Help...I can't breathe!!! ;D ;D LOL!!!!!!!

Absolutely Vile

I've heard a few of those before, Gabble. They are great!  ;D

Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?


Well,the whole point of a gynocologist IS to see you naked. ;)



Howard

OBSERVATIONS



QUESTIONS

If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to
the core of the earth?

Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your *rse?




In answer to your first question the answer is no!  In my State if you live in a mining area you only own your land to a certain depth!  Strange but true.

In reply to your other questions, I can put mascara on without opening my mouth (my husband finds this quite amazing!!)  and I can brush my teeth and keep my body still (believe it or not!!)

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Well,there is certainly one in my refrigerator. ???


Howard

Those are sooo funny!

OBSERVATIONS


I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I
ordered French Toast during the renaissance.





I beleive a similar joke was in the movie Swingers

Here are some more.


1. Does a clean house and yard indicate that there is a broken computer in it?

2. Why is it that no matter what color of bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

3. Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

4. Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator and pantry with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

5. On electric toasters, why do they engrave the message "one slice"? How many pieces of bread do they think people are really gonna try to stuff in that slot?

6. Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

7. Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end you first try?

8. How do those dead bugs get into those closed light fixtures?

9. Considering all the lint you get in your dryer, if you kept drying your clothes would they eventually just disappear?

10. When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart than apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right so why don't we say, "That hurt, watch where your going?"

11. Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

12. Is it true that the only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed?

13. In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

14. How come we never hear father-in-law jokes?

15. If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your spouse told you to do it?

16. The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends, if they're okay, then it's you.





Cat

4. Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator and pantry with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?



That is soooo me! :P

14. How come we never hear father-in-law jokes?


Because nobody ever bothers.  ;D



Howard

10. When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart than apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right so why don't we say, "That hurt, watch where your going?"

I do that all the time! Well, maybe not when I get bumped with a shopping trolley (because that's never happened), but when someone isn't looking where they're going and almost bumps into me! "Hey! Watch where you're going, you idiot!" >:(

Absolutely Vile