What do you call a hungry horse in 4 letters?
MTGG

What does a mouse say when it has its photograph taken?
Cheese!

Two fish are in a tank. One of them turns to the other and asks, "How do you drive this thing?"

Phonecall
Hello, is this the bookshop. Have you got a book called Unsolved Murders by Mr E?

... so the Neutron says "Are you sure?" and the Proton says "Yes, I'm positive"

I was walking down the road the other day and I saw this advert in the window that said: 'Television for sale, £1, volume stuck on full.' I thought: 'I can't turn that down.'

A blonde joke.

A blonde, a brunette, and a red head are running from the cops.
While running they come across a small store, so they run in to hide. So the red head goes into a dog house, the brunette goes into a cat house, and the blonde goes into a potato sack.
So the cops go in there, While looking for the three...one cop goes to the dog house and says "Is anybody in there?" So the red head goes "Bark Bark.". One other cop goes to the cat house and says "Is anybody in there?", So the brunette goes "Meow Meow." So another cop goes to the Potato sack and goes "Is anybody in there." So the Blonde goes "POTATOE, POTATOE."

I saw my neighbour stealing my socks off my washing line. I was going to confront him but I got cold feet.

How can you tell that the blond was using the word processor?

"White out" on the screen

A pirate walks into a bar with his ship's steering wheel in front of him. 

The bartender asks, "Why do you have that wheel?" 

The pirate say's, "Arrr... It's driving me nuts!"

Why does a squirrel swim on his back?

To keep his nuts dry.

I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a checkered tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

I went to the doctors the other day and he said: "Go to Bournemouth, it's great for flu."

So I went - and I got it.

The teacher asked little Johnny to use the word " definitely " in a sentence.

Little Johnny replies, "Teacher, do farts have lumps in them?"

The Teacher says, "Of course not Johnny,"

To which Johnny replies, "Then I have definitely s**t my pants

;D

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.' The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan'. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, ''But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

I tried water polo but my horse drowned.

There was one about

Patrick and Seamus are sitting on a bench, and it's a balmy spring day in Dublin.  Patrick says to Seamus, "It's nice out."
Seamus says, "Ah yer right Patrick, I'll take mine out too!"

I tried water polo but my horse drowned.


http://i.imgur.com/OLdxDkk.jpg

I hate when that happens.

"There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did."

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and says: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

A gay guy and a lesbian decided to try going straight.  It didn't work out so he went back to Sydney and she went back to Florence

You see my next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a Catholic converter.

A (fill in an ethnic group) revolutionary tried to blow up a bus















He burned his lips on the exhaust pipe

A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train load of terrapins. What a turtle disaster.

Did you hear about the cannibal who showed up late for dinner?

He got the cold shoulder.

Did you hear about the guy who got his left side cut off? He's all right now.



Cat

What did the leper say to the hooker?

"You can keep the tip."

What has a neck but no head and still wears a cap?








A bottle

I backed a horse last week at 10 to one. It came in at quarter past four.

There was this guy who loved to bet on the ponies but he never had any luck. One morning he awake from a dream that kept saying, "Number 5! Number 5!" He knew it was an omen so he went down to the track, when to the 5th window, put $5 on the 5th horse in the 5th race. It worked. The horse came in 5th.



Cat

Why did the chicken cross the road?




It was trying to get away from Col. Sanders.

I went down to my local supermarket and I said: "I want to make a complaint. This vinegar's got lumps in it". He said: "Those are pickled onions."

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen
mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and
gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only
here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my
testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate
from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment
and pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles
gently in the other.

She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them,
Sir. They look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says
very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen
very, very closely:

Are - my - test - results - back?"

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen
mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and
gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only
here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my
testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate
from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment
and pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles
gently in the other.

She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them,
Sir. They look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says
very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen
very, very closely:

Are - my - test - results - back?"



;D ;D ;D ;D



Cat

A husband and wife are sitting on the patio sharing a bottle of wine when, out of the blue the wife says "I love you".

Husband: "Is that you talking or the wine?"

To which the wife replies :that's me talking...











to the wine"

A husband and wife are sitting on the patio sharing a bottle of wine when, out of the blue the wife says "I love you".

Husband: "Is that you talking or the wine?"

To which the wife replies :that's me talking...











to the wine"


;D

A couple are sitting in a restaurant when the man suddenly slides under the table.  The women does not react.  The waiter says "Mame, your husband just slid under the table"  The woman responds "No, my husband just came in the door"

"What are you looking here for.  The joke's in your hands"
    - written on a bathroom wall

A guy walked into a bar and asked for a Corona...

Comedian Rob Auton has won an award for the funniest joke of the Edinburgh Fringe 2013.

"I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa."

I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'


;D

I saw a homeless lady talking to herself, and I asked myself "Who is she talking to?". Then I asked myself, "Who am I talking to?".

I saw this advert in a window that said: “Television for sale, £1, volume stuck on full.” I thought, “I can’t turn that down.”

- Tim Vine

I saw this advert in a window that said: “Television for sale, £1, volume stuck on full.” I thought, “I can’t turn that down.”

- Tim Vine

Hee hee!! :D

If I saw a television on sale, I probably wouldn't turn it down either.

When a deaf person sees someone yawn do they think it's a scream?

Why do bees have sticky hair?

Because they have honey combs!

What bird is always out of breath?

A Puffin.

Tried to kill a fly with hairspray today... It didn't kill it, but it's hair looked fabulous!

hair spray only works on horses

Tried to kill a fly with hairspray today... It didn't kill it, but it's hair looked fabulous!


That reminds me of when I tried to kill a spider on the ceiling and I aimed the bug spray upwards but the spray fell down to my eyes.

That reminds me of when I tried to kill a spider on the ceiling and I aimed the bug spray upwards but the spray fell down to my eyes.
It happens all the time!

My jokes aren't funny! :D

I am not good telling jokes, but I do it anyway. ;D

My jokes aren't funny! :D

I am not good telling jokes, but I do it anyway. ;D
You do as you can...

How do you make holy water?

You boil the hell out of it.

Why did the Mexican throw his wife off a cliff?

Tequila!

God is about finished creating Adam & Eve, says he has 2 extra body parts.  The first allows you to pee standing  up.  Adam says "please, please. pleeeese, can I have it?  "Sure" says god, and Adam goes off writing his name in the snow and knocking bark off trees.  God turns to Eve "Well, this one is yours"  "What is it?"

"Brains"

stupid,  that was  stupid
Oh, I can say it's not worth a fart

Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian.

stupid,  that was  stupid
Oh, I can say it's not worth a fart


;D the morning farts, lol hahaha

;D the morning farts, lol hahaha
No comment!

I was walking down the road and a man offered me a free sofa and chairs. I said no because my mother always taught me not to take suites from strangers

I'm so good at sleeping...I can do it with my eyes closed!

What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?

Nacho Cheese

so funny I forgot to laugh

I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.

I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.


One of my Physics prof had a shirt that said

Never trust atoms. They make up everything.

One of my Physics prof had a shirt that said

Never trust atoms. They make up everything.
O0

He-He!!

O0

He-He!!


On a similar note, when one of my friends was having an existential crisis and thought nothing he ever did mattered, my other friend told him "We are all made of atoms. So in a way, we all matter."

On a similar note, when one of my friends was having an existential crisis and thought nothing he ever did mattered, my other friend told him "We are all made of atoms. So in a way, we all matter."
O0

Q. I hate jokes about German sausages.

A. They’re the wurst.

so funny I forgot to laugh


Haven't heard this phrase in decades lol.

A Revolutionary War Quiz:

https://www.washingtonpost.com/outlook/2019/07/05/president-trumps-revolutionary-war-quiz/?utm_term=.578b966319b7

How does a penguin build it's house?

Igloos it together.  ;D

Crossword Fan: I've have been thinking for a word for two weeks.

Friend: How about a fortnight?

What was Camelot famous for?

It's knight life!

Tomorrow there will be a demonstration of cake decorators, hundreds and thousands are expected.

Parallel lines have so much in common....it's a shame they'll never meet.

Stole this one from a page online!  :D

Parallel lines have so much in common....it's a shame they'll never meet.

Stole this one from a page online!  :D

Hee hee! That's absolutely right, though. O0

Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut?...he just needed a little space.  :D

I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner—it was just gathering dust!

Three friends go on a camping trip together to get away from the hustle and bustle. While walking, one of them spots a brilliant blue bottle and picks it up and, on closer inspection, it’s a lamp. He rubs it and out pops a genie. It booms, "You have finally freed me after 10,000 years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes."

The first guy immediately blurts out, "I want a billion dollars." POOF! He's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact $1,000,000,003.50. The second guy thinks for a bit then says, "I want to be the richest man alive." POOF! He's holding papers showing his net worth is now well over $100 billion. The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says, "I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life." POOF! His arm starts rotating.

The genie tells them it's time for their second wish. The first guy says, "I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth." POOF! A stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm. The second guy says, "I want to be so good-looking and charismatic that I can have any girl I want." POOF! His looks change and the first guy's girl immediately starts flirting with him. The third guy says, "I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die." POOF! Now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions.

The genie tells them to “think very carefully" about their third and final wish. The first guy does and after a while he says, "I never want to become sick or injured. I want to stay healthy until I die." POOF! His complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don't bother him anymore. The second guy says, "I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever." POOF! He looks younger already. The third guy smiles triumphantly and says, "My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth." POOF! He's now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around. The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways.

Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going. The first guy is ecstatic. "I've invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I've never gotten so much as a cold in all these years." The second guy smiles and says, "Well, I've built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I'm still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed."

The third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says, "Guys, I think I f*cked up."

Did you hear about the race car driver who works in a bakery? He does donuts.

A man goes to see his doctor and says in a really low, deep voice, "DOCTOR, MY VOICE HAS BEEN REALLY LOW ALL MY LIFE AND I'M TIRED OF EVERYONE MAKING FUN OF ME ALL THE TIME. IS THERE ANYTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT?" The doctor replies, "Well, let's run a few tests and we'll see what we can do." So the doctor draws some blood and examines the man thoroughly and tells him he'll get back to him within the next few days.

A couple of days later the doctor calls the man and says, "Well, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that we can fix your voice so it sounds normal. The bad news is that the procedure involves surgically removing three inches from your penis." The man replies, "I DON'T CARE, I JUST WANT TO TALK LIKE NORMAL PEOPLE DO. GO AHEAD AND DO THE SURGERY." So the doctor schedules him and does the surgery.

About a week after the surgery the man calls the doctor up, speaking in a normal voice. "Doctor, the surgery worked out great and it's nice to have a normal voice and all, but my wife doesn't like me having a smaller penis. Is there any way you can put that section back in?"

The doctor replies, "I THREW IT AWAY."

A man went to the doctors suffering from a severe headache for years on end.

The doctor said, “Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is it will require castration.

“You have a rare condition which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.”

Joe was shocked but he knew he had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, and he truly believed he could make a new life.

He saw a men’s clothing store and thought, “That’s what I need ... a new suit.”

He entered the shop and said, “I’d like a new suit.”

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, “Let’s see ... size 44 long.”

Joe laughed, “That’s right, how did you know?”

“Been in the business 60 years!” the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit; it fit perfectly. The salesman asked, “How about a new shirt?”

Joe was on a roll. “Sure.” The salesman said, “Let’s see, 34 sleeves and 16 ½ neck.”

Joe said, “That’s right, how did you know?”

“Been in the business 60 years.” Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked, “How about some new underwear?” Joe thought for a moment and said, “Sure.” The salesman said, “Let’s see ... size 36.”

Joe laughed, “Ah ha! I got you, I’ve worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.”

The salesman shook his head, “You can’t wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.”

It is a little known fact that Anne Boleyn actually had a brother called Tenpin.

Karl Marx is an historically famous figure but nobody ever mentions his sister Onya, who invented the starting pistol.

Police announced a rare copy of a 1798 thesaurus was stolen from the British Museum, and the police officer had no words to express himself.

I hate it when I see some old person, and then realize we went to high school together... :(

Melania to Biden: "Don't let in bother you Joe, he never lets me  finish either"

I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner—it was just gathering dust!



I bet it sucks, too.


Cat

I was reading a book... 'the history of glue' - I couldn't put it down.

I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner—it was just gathering dust!


I bet it sucks, too.


Cat

It sure does.. :D :D

I was reading a book... 'the history of glue' - I couldn't put it down.

I couldn't either...it was stuck to my fingers! Not only that, my mind was stuck to it.

When you fall, I'll be there for you.
Sincerely, The Floor.

When you fall, I'll be there for you.
Sincerely, The Floor.
What happens if you fall on grass or concrete?

I wish John Denver was still around, he could help me fill up my Census.

What happens if you fall on grass or concrete?


Good question!

I used to have an issue with my clothes heating press, but we eventually ironed things out :D

I wish John Denver was still around, he could help me fill up my Census.

So I was driving along and saw a woman on a bike.  I yelled "COW" out the window.  She flipped me the bird.  Then she hit the cow.  I tried

He's a vegetarian.

But where is Vegetaria?

Q: What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it?
A: Envelope.

Q: What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it?
A: Envelope.

;D Good one Philip

A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding,and the trooper
started to lecture the farmer about his speed,and in general began to throw
his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable. Finally the
trooper got around to writing out the ticket,and as he was doing that he
kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.  The farmer
said, "Having some problems with circle flies there are ya?"
The trooper stopped writing the ticket and  said-"Well  yeah if that's what
they are-I never heard of circle  flies."
So the farmer says-"Well,circle flies are common on farms. See,they're
called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the
back end of a horse."
The trooper says,"Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a
minute he stops and says,"Hey...wait a minute,are you trying to call me a
horses ass?" The farmer says, "Oh no officer,I have too much respect for
law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horses
ass."
The trooper says,"Well,that's a good thing" and goes back to writing the
ticket.
After a long pause the farmer says "Hard to fool  them flies though." ;D

What’s the best thing about Switzerland?

I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.

What’s the best thing about Switzerland?

I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.

It sure is! O0 :D

My friend has just set a new business in catching sharks, it has cost him an arm and a leg.

My friend has just set a new business in catching sharks, it has cost him an arm and a leg.
Sharks will only eat you when you are wet!

Tip for gardeners:

Sprinkle you grass with whisky and it was always come up half-cut.

https://i.pinimg.com/564x/80/bf/57/80bf578b8d8f8f9dbaaa64fbe11c5c17.jpg

https://i.pinimg.com/564x/80/bf/57/80bf578b8d8f8f9dbaaa64fbe11c5c17.jpg

;D

Did you hear about a man that stole a rabbit. He had to make a run for it.

https://hg1.funnyjunk.com/pictures/Sir+spartacus+starbucks_a36876_5176339.jpg

Have you ever tried blindfolded archery, you don't know what you're missing!

Someone keeps sending my flowers with the buds cut off through the post, I think I am being stalked!

I went to the record shop and I said ‘What have you got by The Doors?’ He said ‘A bucket of sand and a fire blanket!’

Whoever invented the knock knock jokes should get a no bell prize.

I get nostalgic when I put my car in reverse, it always take me back.

If a childless man told a dad joke would he be making a faux pas?

I get nostalgic when I put my car in reverse, it always take me back.


Heehee ;D

I hate it when I think I'm buying organic vegetables, and when I get home I discover they are just regular donuts.

Today at the bank, a customer asked to help check her balance. So the bank teller pushed her over.

Did you hear about the man who fell into an upholstery machine? He's fully recovered.

A classic riddle in honor of the 4th:

Where was the Declaration Of Independence signed?

At the bottom.

A classic riddle in honor of the 4th:

Where was the Declaration Of Independence signed?

At the bottom.



This really made me laugh!

I quit my job at the helium gas factory – I didn’t like being spoken to in that tone.

Yesterday I brought an old Elvis record from the market. "Wooden Leg" I said to the store owner, I thought he sang "Wooden Heart"? He replied "This is a pirate version".

I'm afraid for the calendar. Its days are numbered.

One guy in a duel “how do expect to fight me with a block of cheese?”

Other guy “it’s extra sharp”

I'm afraid for the calendar. Its days are numbered.



One guy in a duel “how do expect to fight me with a block of cheese?”

Other guy “it’s extra sharp”



Teehee!  :D ;D

My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward

Did you hear about the new line of Elvis Presley-themed steakhouses? They will be for people who love meat tender.

I just competed in the sun-tanning Olympics, I only got bronze.

I bought a horse and named him Black Betty, so when I am riding him and want to stop, I yell "Whoa, Black Betty!"

"What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?" "Supplies!"

Q: What do you give a man who's got everything?

A: Penicillin.

"What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?" "Supplies!"


I've heard that one many a time. :D

"Why do fathers take an extra pair of socks when they go golfing?" "In case they get a hole in one!"

A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed.
She put on her robe and went downstairs. He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter dear? Why are you down here at this time of night?" she asked.

"Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating and you were only 16?" he asked.

"Yes I do." she replied.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"

"Yes I remember."

"Do you remember your father when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter or spend twenty years in jail'?"

"Yes I do", she replied. He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, " You know I would have gotten out today." :(

"What did one wall say to the other?" "I'll meet you at the corner."

Too funny  ;D

The other day I couldn't fasten my seat belt. Then it clicked.

A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh , I forgot to tell you , today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked."

I tried to kill a fly with some hairspray...it didn't kill it, but its hair looked fabulous!

After a number of Kaleidoscopes have been stolen from local toy-shops recently, the police believe a pattern is forming!

How do you stop your teeth from freezing during the winter, you just grit your teeth.

What do you call a truck full of sea turtles crashing into a train full of terrapins?

A turtle disaster!

What do you call a fish with no eye?

A fsh!

Why did the man name his dogs Rolex and Timex?

Because they were watch dogs.....

After dinner my wife asked me if I could clear the table...

I needed a running start, but I did it!

Today, a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation for the local swimming pool, so I gave him a glass of water.

My friend said, "What rhymes with banana?" I replied: "No it doesn't".

Why couldn't the pony sing a lullaby?....she was a little horse. :D

How fast is milk?

It’s pasteurized before you know it.

Can you help me with this crossword clue?

Overworked postman


How many letters?



Thousands of ‘em

I’ve decided to sell my Hoover – it was just collecting dust.

You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose.

But you can't pick your friend's nose.

How fast is milk?

It’s pasteurized before you know it.

Nice  ;D

Here’s a picture of me with REM. That’s me in the corner.

Here’s a picture of me with REM. That’s me in the corner.


That's funny! Lol!

Apparently the clocks go back in October, I can't remember where I got mine from.

Every time I go on Twitter, I get a weird feeling I am being followed.

Did you know that you can make a bouncy water bed by using spring water?

Every time I go on Twitter, I get a weird feeling I am being followed.


Heehee  :D

I listen to my mother all the time, she is on one of my old records.

My wife yelled from the bedroom asking, "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?"
I replied, "No."
She yelled back, "How about now?"

The beekeeper nods and carefully counts out 13 bees. The man realizes this and points it out, "That’s one too many.”

"No worries. It’s a freebie."

Can you help me with this crossword clue?

Overworked postman


How many letters?



Thousands of ‘em

:D :D

I'm so good at sleeping that I do it with my eyes closed.

Did you hear that I’m reading a book about anti-gravity?

It’s impossible to put down.

Did you hear that I’m reading a book about anti-gravity?

It’s impossible to put down.

:D

Will invisible airplanes ever be a thing?

I just can’t see them taking off.

;D

Did you hear about the fight at the seafood restaurant?

Two fish got battered!

Where will the Cleveland Browns be during the Super Bowl?

https://i.vimeocdn.com/video/847636081-b4c40db94bd8a63f1d3a4451bd32d12a9ea1bc371f6ac7a52fe24a588fbf390e-d?mw=1000&mh=565&q=70

My coffee took 30 minutes to arrive but hey, better latte than never I guess!

To the person who stole my coffee machine, energy drinks and horror movie collection, I don't know how you sleep at night

A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer, bartender says “sorry, we don’t serve food here.

Did you hear about the thief who stole an Advent Calendar, he got 25 days!

Whoever invented "Knock Knock" jokes should get a No bell prize!

"Doctor, I can't get to sleep at night."

"Lie on the edge of the bed - you'll soon drop off!"

Doctor, doctor. I feel like a bar of soap


Well, that’s life, boy

To celebrate the Formula 1 Championship, there will be a fancy dress party as the Flintstones, it will be an Abu Dhabi Do...

Whenever my artist girlfriend is sad I let her colour in my tattoos.

I gave her a shoulder to crayon.

How do you follow Will Smith in the snow?

You follow the fresh prints.

Are people born with a photographic memory, or does it take time to develop?

Wedding cakes can be so sad.  They often end up in tiers.

Just opened the instruction booklet for my new ladder, it is a step by step guide.

I went into a bar and asked for a double.  They brought out some guy who looked like me

Why do seagulls fly over the ocean?

Because if they flew over the bay, we'd call them bagels.

I don’t trust stairs. They are always up to something.

It has been announced that the US will start the process of adopting the metric system starting with a switch from pounds to kilograms. There was a mass protest in New York at the news

Why do seagulls fly over the ocean?

Because if they flew over the bay, we'd call them bagels.

A classic! :D

It has been announced that the US will start the process of adopting the metric system starting with a switch from pounds to kilograms. There was a mass protest in New York at the news

Ah man!!

It has been announced that the US will start the process of adopting the metric system starting with a switch from pounds to kilograms. There was a mass protest in New York at the news


Subtle, very subtle 

I’m very sad.

My pet mouse, Elvis, has died.

He was caught in a trap.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!

Did you hear that I’m reading a book about anti-gravity?

It’s impossible to put down.



I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!



Deja vu

Deja vu


"All over again" - Yogi Berra

Deja vu
This joke is one of comedian Tim Vine's favourites.

I’m very sad.

My pet mouse, Elvis, has died.

He was caught in a trap.


I never used to be a fan of Phil Collins, but I've since bought all his albums, so take a look at me now

I took a picture with R.E.M.  That's me in the corner

I once met Cliff Richard while on summer holiday.  I told him I'd just quit my job working for two not so strong guys, and he replied "No more working for a weaker two?"

Why are K-Tel Record executives such great boxers?  Because they deliver original hits and original stars!

Why did the diet coach send her clients to the paint store?

She heard you could get thinner there.

Deja vu
Wasn't that a 1970 album by Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young?  ;D

I accidentally deleted an audiobook I was listening to.

Now I’ll never hear the end of it.

I had a dream last night that I was in the kitchen cutting carrots with the Grim Reaper, I was dicing with death.

My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home.

How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?

Ten-tickles!

How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?

Ten-tickles!

All eight of its own plus two of another, I guess :D

How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?

Ten-tickles!


Note the OCTO

All eight of its own plus two of another, I guess :D
Ten tickles for an octopus has tentacles.

Ten tickles for an octopus has tentacles.

Yes, but an octopus has eight tentacles.

Yes, but an octopus has eight tentacles.
This joke is a straightforward pun (words sounding the same)

Ten tickles = tentacles

It takes ten tickles to makes an octopus laugh and an octopus has tentacles 🐙

This joke is a straightforward pun (words sounding the same)

Ten tickles = tentacles

It takes ten tickles to makes an octopus laugh and an octopus has tentacles 🐙

Of course. I knew that all along O0

This joke is a straightforward pun (words sounding the same)

Ten tickles = tentacles

It takes ten tickles to makes an octopus laugh and an octopus has tentacles 🐙


I would say if you have to explain a joke, then the joke failed.


Cat

I would say if you have to explain a joke, then the joke failed.


Cat

Right. I must remember: this.

I just won the annual weather forecaster's championship!!

I beat the raining champion.

There once was a reigning king who loved wild game. He would allow all sorts of animals roam his kingdom. Every kind of wild game you could think of-lions, tigers, & bears (oh my) as well as others would be just about every place in this kingdom. The people of the kingdom got tired of fighting off the game just to go about their lives so they overthrew the king. It was the first time in history that...



(Wait for it)






































The Reign was called on account of the game.  :D ;D ;D ;D ;D


Cat

“I tried to steal spaghetti from the shop, but the female guard saw me and I couldn’t get pasta.”

This was the winning joke at this year's Edinburgh festival fringe, won by comedian Masai Graham.

A genie granted me one wish, so I said "I just want to be happy". Now I'm living in a cottage with six dwarves and working in a mine.

I just written a book on reverse psychology, don't buy it!

How do you organize a party in outer space?

You planet!

I tried to be a tap dancer, but I kept falling in the sink!

(tap = faucet)

Yesterday I accidently left my phone in the fridge, since then I have been getting cold calls.

Yesterday I accidently left my phone in the fridge, since then I have been getting cold calls.

:D ;D

I burnt a Hawaiian pizza I was cooking last night, I should have cooked it on Aloha temperature.

I was addicted to the Hokey Cokey…but I turned myself around.

It was a very emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers!

I got fired from my job at the calendar factory. All I did was take a few days off.

When I was younger my brother and I were arch enemies, and now we are building bridges.

https://i.pinimg.com/originals/cd/ac/3a/cdac3ae178b4eabae588d002dd32f710.jpg

My dog does not trust me anymore, he has been like that since I lead him the garden path.

BREAKING NEWS
Reports are coming in that Boy George has been attacked by a reptile on the set of I'm a Celebrity.

They should have got a calmer Chameleon, but apparently, they come and go.

BREAKING NEWS
Reports are coming in that Boy George has been attacked by a reptile on the set of I'm a Celebrity.

They should have got a calmer Chameleon, but apparently, they come and go.

:D

BREAKING NEWS
Reports are coming in that Boy George has been attacked by a reptile on the set of I'm a Celebrity.

They should have got a calmer Chameleon, but apparently, they come and go.

Hee hee! ;D

They come and go; they come and go.

A priest, a pastor, and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: "What's your blood type?"

"I'm probably a type O", said the rabbit.


Cat

I had to give up my job as a bus driver, for everyone was talking behind my back.

When I was little, my mom used to feed me alphabet soup. Claiming I loved it. I didn’t. She was just putting words into my mouth.

What do you call a fake noodle?

An impasta!

Why do spiders adapt so quickly to online learning?

They’re very comfortable on the web.

I received a book for Christmas called "Travels Across The Sahara" by Rhoda Camel. After reading it, when I took it back to the shop to exchange the bookshop assistant have the hump.

I received a book for Christmas called "Travels Across The Sahara" by Rhoda Camel. After reading it, when I took it back to the shop to exchange the bookshop assistant have the hump.


Here are some books I recommend:

-Green River by I.P. Strangely
-Yellow River by I.P. Daily
-20 Miles To The Outhouse by Willy Makeit. Illustrated by Betty Wont



Cat

I went to a 'kleptomaniac's anonymous' meeting but arrived a bit late. By the time I got there, all the seats had been taken.

I’ve just started my own business building yachts in my attic, sails are through the roof.

Why can't a leopard ever hide?

Because they're always spotted!

I asked my dog what's two minus two.

He said nothing.

Here are some books I recommend:

-Green River by I.P. Strangely
-Yellow River by I.P. Daily
-20 Miles To The Outhouse by Willy Makeit. Illustrated by Betty Wont



Cat


My favourite is "How to Keep Someone in Suspense" by Alex Blaine Layder

My favourite is "How to Keep Someone in Suspense" by Alex Blaine Layder

Hee hee!! This all reminds me of a certain thread we had a while back: http://www.inthe00s.com/index.php?topic=20792.0
Said thread did have some posts about books by authors with gag names. :D

I have been trying to organize a local hide and seek competition, but it's been quite difficult, for good players are just hard to find.

What did Paul Revere say after he finished his historic ride?

https://external-content.duckduckgo.com/iu/?u=https%3A%2F%2Ftse2.explicit.bing.net%2Fth%3Fid%3DOIP.vS-G6VaaOAnARMvLJQmQsgHaEK%26pid%3DApi&f=1&ipt=2eb3c7b36eedbcea7f632e81b5c58e6de5dffa56a462bb57c23d90fff565bbdf&ipo=images

I had a nightmare on my first day working in a pet food factory, made a complete dogs dinner of everything

A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the motorway. Motorists are asked to be on the look-out for 16 hardened criminals.

Why doesn’t Elton John eat lettuce?

Because he’s a rocket man.

I have just discovered I can cut wood by just looking at it. I saw with my own eyes.

What comes after Black Friday? Broke Saturday!

Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?

He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.

When I was a kid, my dad got fired from his job as a road worker for theft. I refused to believe he could do such a thing, but when I got home, the signs were all there.

After 25 years of being a member of a ladder appreciation society, I am stepping down.

I was going to post a joke about time travel, but you all did not like it.

“This joke was going to be about a dancer warming up…. But it was a stretch.”

Did you hear the one about the mountain?

You'll never get over it.


Cat

What do you get when you throw a piano down a miner's shaft.


A flat miner (minor).


Cat

Did you hear the one about the mountain?

You'll never get over it.


Cat

:D

Did you hear the one about the mountain?

You'll never get over it.


Cat

Hee hee!! :D

Did you hear the one about the mountain?

You'll never get over it.


Cat
Hee-Hee!!

Someone stole my coffee cup from work today, and I am just off down the police station to look at a few mug shots.

I am thinking of purchasing a stairlift, but I am worried it might drive up the wall.

Why do millionaires have money to burn?  Because it costs a fortune to heat their mansions

Don't know if this is a scam or not, I just received a phone call saying I have won £259.00 cash or tickets to an Elvis tribute night. It said press 1 for the money or 2 for the show.

I've just invented a new word, Plagiarism!

I accidentally drunk a bottle of invisible ink last night. I’m still in hospital waiting to be seen!

Today is National Library Day, but it is nothing to shout about.