A surgeon, an architect, and an engineer were all found guilty of committing a serious crime and were sentenced to death by the guillotine.  They were each given the choice of whether or not they wanted to go face down or face up (face up was considered an act of bravery.) 
The surgeon went first.  He decided to go face up.  They put his head in the stocks and released the cord, but nothing happened.  So they let him go.
The architect went next.  He decided to go face up too.  They put his head in the stocks and released the cord, but nothing happened.  So they let him go too.
Finally, the engineer went.  He also decided to go face up.  They put his head in the stocks.  "Oh hey!" shouted the engineer.  "I see the problem!"

St. Peter stood at the Pearly Gates, waiting for the incoming. He saw Jesus walking by and caught his attention. "Jesus, could you mind the gate while I go do an errand?" "Sure," replied Jesus. "What do I have to do?" "Just find out about the people who arrive. Ask about their background, their family, and their lives. Then decide if they deserve entry into Heaven."

"Sounds easy enough. OK."

So Jesus waited at the gates while St. Peter went off on his errand.

The first person to approach the gates was a wrinkled old man. Jesus summoned him to the examination table and sat across from him. Jesus peered at the old man and asked, "What was it you did for a living?"

The old man replied, "I was a carpenter."

Jesus remembered his own earthly existence and leaned forward. "Did you have any family?" he asked.

"Yes, I had a son, but I lost him."

Jesus leaned forward some more. "You lost our son? Can you tell me about him?"

"Well, he had holes in his hands and feet."

Jesus leaned forward even more and whispered, "Father?"

The old man leaned forward and whispered, "Pinocchio?" 

Tips for Red Necks

IN GENERAL
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is
still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

DINING OUT
1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour
slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your
fingers covering the label.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a
taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no matter how good his
manners are.

PERSONAL HYGIENE
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should
be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days.
However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they
tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of her
finger foods.

DATING (Outside the Family)
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to
go out with you since I read that stuff on the fillin' station bathroom
wall two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will
say 10:00 PM; Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer,
it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATER ETIQUETTE
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately
after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven
they can't hear you.

WEDDINGS
1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Unless you are the groom, kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds
may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a
cummerbund
and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special
occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is
loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires
always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite
to ask her to bring back beer.
5. Do not give a blow job while traveling in a funeral procession.

Too smart for the 1st grade

First-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students.
The teacher asked, "Harry, what is your problem?"
Harry answered,"I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"
Ms. Brooks had now had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained the situation to the principal. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would
give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9"
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36"
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions." The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Harry, after a moment: "Legs."
Ms. Brooks: "What do you have in your pants that I do not have in mine?"
The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question?
Harry replied: "Pockets."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants"
Ms. Brooks: What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?
Harry: "Coconut"
Ms. Brooks: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer.
Harry: "Bubble gum"
Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?" The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer.
Harry: "Shake hands"
Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck"
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong."

Doing it in the Dark

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.
Every time they made love the husband always insisted on turning off the light.
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.
She looked down... and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leasure device... a vibrator!
Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one. She went completely ballistic.
"You impotent bastard," She screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years?
You better explain yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain the toy . . . you explain the kids."

Notes From an Inexperienced Chili Taster Named Frank, Who Was Visiting Texas:

Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off
Because no one else wanted to do it. The original person called in sick at
the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table
asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came.

I was assured by the other two judges, both native Texans, that the Chili
would not be all that spicy, and they told me I could have free beer
during the tasting, so I accepted.

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili #1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor.  Very mild.

FRANK: Holy smokes, what is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from
your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope
that's the worst one. These hicks are crazy.

Chili #2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky with a hint of pork.  Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor; needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am
supposed to taste besides pain.  I had to wave off two people who wanted to
give me the Heimlich maneuver.  Shoved my way to the front of the beer
line.

Chili #3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili!  Great kick.  Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili.  A bit salty; good use of red peppers.

FRANK: This has got to be a joke.  Call the EPA; I've located a
Uranium spill.  My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano.  Everyone
knows he routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the
beer wagon.  Lady at the beer wagon pounded me on the back; now my
backbone is in the front part of my chest.

Chili #4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice.  Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans.  Good side dish for fish or other
mild foods; not much of a chili.

FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to Taste
it.  Sally, the lady at the beer wagon, was standing behind me with fresh
refills so I wouldn't have to dash over to see her.

Chili #5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili.  Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick.  Very impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato.  Must admit the
cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes.  I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics.  The contestant seemed
hurt when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage.  Sally
saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher.  Sort of
irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

Chili #6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin, yet bold vegetarian variety chili.  Good balance of spice
and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet.  Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic.  Superb.

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous
flames.  No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally.

Chili #7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho hum. Tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili peppers at
the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge No. 3. He
appears to be in a bit of distress.

FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth and pull the pin, and I wouldn't
feel it. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made
of rushing water.  My clothes are covered with chili that slid unnoticed out
of my mouth at some point.  Good! At autopsy they'll know what killed me.
I've decided to stop breathing: It's too painful, and I'm not getting any
oxygen anyway.  If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole
in my stomach.

Chili #8: Helen's Mount St. Chili
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending.  This is a nice blended chili, safe for
all; not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild
Nor hot.  Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 fell and
pulled the chili pot on top of himself.

FRANK: (Editor's note: Judge No. 3 was unable to report.)

A couple is getting ready for bed. After being in bed for a while the husband gets up again, goes to the bathroom, and comes back with a glass of water and two aspirins. He
gives the water and the aspirins to his wife; surprised she asks: “What are those for?”
The husband says, “They are for you.” His wife says, “Why”? I don’t have a headache.”
The husband turns to her and says, “Gotcha!”

Michael Jackson is forming a brand new band, it's going to be called The Jackson Under  Fives :D

Five surgeons are discussing who has the best
patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on
my operating table because when you open them up,
everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try
electricians! Everything inside them is colour coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians
are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical
order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like
construction workers. Those guys always understand
when you have a few parts left over at the end, and
when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he
observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the
easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart,
no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head
and the ass are interchangeable.

Notes From an Inexperienced Chili Taster Named Frank, Who Was Visiting Texas:

Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off
Because no one else wanted to do it. The original person called in sick at
the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table
asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came.

I was assured by the other two judges, both native Texans, that the Chili
would not be all that spicy, and they told me I could have free beer
during the tasting, so I accepted.

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili #1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor.  Very mild.

FRANK: Holy smokes, what is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from
your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope
that's the worst one. These hicks are crazy.

Chili #2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky with a hint of pork.  Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor; needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am
supposed to taste besides pain.  I had to wave off two people who wanted to
give me the Heimlich maneuver.  Shoved my way to the front of the beer
line.

Chili #3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili!  Great kick.  Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili.  A bit salty; good use of red peppers.

FRANK: This has got to be a joke.  Call the EPA; I've located a
Uranium spill.  My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano.  Everyone
knows he routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the
beer wagon.  Lady at the beer wagon pounded me on the back; now my
backbone is in the front part of my chest.

Chili #4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice.  Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans.  Good side dish for fish or other
mild foods; not much of a chili.

FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to Taste
it.  Sally, the lady at the beer wagon, was standing behind me with fresh
refills so I wouldn't have to dash over to see her.

Chili #5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili.  Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick.  Very impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato.  Must admit the
cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes.  I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics.  The contestant seemed
hurt when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage.  Sally
saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher.  Sort of
irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

Chili #6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin, yet bold vegetarian variety chili.  Good balance of spice
and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet.  Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic.  Superb.

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous
flames.  No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally.

Chili #7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho hum. Tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili peppers at
the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge No. 3. He
appears to be in a bit of distress.

FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth and pull the pin, and I wouldn't
feel it. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made
of rushing water.  My clothes are covered with chili that slid unnoticed out
of my mouth at some point.  Good! At autopsy they'll know what killed me.
I've decided to stop breathing: It's too painful, and I'm not getting any
oxygen anyway.  If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole
in my stomach.

Chili #8: Helen's Mount St. Chili
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending.  This is a nice blended chili, safe for
all; not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild
Nor hot.  Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 fell and
pulled the chili pot on top of himself.

FRANK: (Editor's note: Judge No. 3 was unable to report.)


'nother Mcsweeneys fan  ;)

I hear that deep sea divers with Eczema, do not come up to scratch!

I got some jokes, but can't post them here.

I'll post them at another board I'm sure most of you know of.  ;D

Two American guys playing golf, one of them wants a cigar but does not have a lighter. He turns to his pal & asks him for a light, his pal then produces a foot-long (30cm) disposable lighter from his golf bag and offers it.
First guy says: "Jeez, that's a great lighter, where did you get it?"
Second guy: "My genie gave it me"
First guy: "Wow, you have a genie?"
Second guy: "Sure, right here in my golf bag. As you're such a good friend, I'll get him out for you."
So he opens his golf bag, up pops the genie, who says to the second guy "As you are a great friend of my master, I will grant you one wish." "Cool," said the second guy, "I'll have a million bucks!"
The genie disappeared in a puff of smoke, and the skies darkened with the sound of a million descending ducks, quacking like mad.
Above the noise, the second guy shouts "What gives? I asked him for a million bucks!". First guy shouts "Ah, I forgot to tell you, the genie is hard-of-hearing- do you really think I asked for a 12-inch Bic?"

"Mummy, mummy, why has Daddy got his schlong in the biscuit tin?"
"Don't worry son, he's f***ing crackers!"

If you're not from the UK, the following joke is about an Inland Revenue Tax Inspector. These people are employed to perform audits on companies for taxation purposes, and are generally despised. This joke was actually told to me by one of their employees, on a recorded telephone line!:
An Inland Revenue Tax Inspector has to do an audit on a synagogue, and thinks he'll have a little fun with the Rabbi:
IRTI: "Rabbi, I notice you have a lot of crumbs left over from your feasts. Is there anything I can state on this form regarding that?"
Rabbi: "We collect all the crumbs up, and send them to the matzo ball factory, then every so often they send us a box of matzo balls."
IRTI:"I also notice your ceremonial candles drip a lot of wax, can you comment on that?"
Rabbi: "Ah, with the wax, we collect it & send it to the candle factory, and every 6 months they send us back a box of candles."
IRTI: "So what do you do with the foreskins left from circumcisions?"
Rabbi: "Ah, those we send off to the Inland Revenue, then once a year they send us a little prick like you!"

If you're not from the UK, the following joke is about an Inland Revenue Tax Inspector. These people are employed to perform audits on companies for taxation purposes, and are generally despised. This joke was actually told to me by one of their employees, on a recorded telephone line!:
An Inland Revenue Tax Inspector has to do an audit on a synagogue, and thinks he'll have a little fun with the Rabbi:
IRTI: "Rabbi, I notice you have a lot of crumbs left over from your feasts. Is there anything I can state on this form regarding that?"
Rabbi: "We collect all the crumbs up, and send them to the matzo ball factory, then every so often they send us a box of matzo balls."
IRTI:"I also notice your ceremonial candles drip a lot of wax, can you comment on that?"
Rabbi: "Ah, with the wax, we collect it & send it to the candle factory, and every 6 months they send us back a box of candles."
IRTI: "So what do you do with the foreskins left from circumcisions?"
Rabbi: "Ah, those we send off to the Inland Revenue, then once a year they send us a little dweeb like you!"





This really shows that there isn't too much difference between the UK and the US. We have the same joke only it is from the IRS.  :D ;D





Cat

This really shows that there isn't too much difference between the UK and the US. We have the same joke only it is from the IRS.  :D ;D
Cat

Ah, I've just noticed my post was modified to "little dweeb like you", the joke doesn't quite work unless the Rabbi refers to the Inland Revenue chap as a word descriptive of the male organ of generation...

What do you call a Spanish flasher?
Senor Willy.

What does a Spanish fireman call his children?
Jose & Hose B.

A guy checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely, so he thought he'd get one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths. He decided to phone one called Erogeonique, lovely girl, bending over in the photo -- beautiful. So he picked up the card and dialled the number.



"Hello?" the woman says.



"Hi, I hear you do massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me a massage. No...wait, I want sex... I want it hard, fast and now! I'm talking kinky, the whole night, you name it we'll do it. Bring implements, bring toys... do the lot, all night, tie me up, cover me in anything. Now how does that sound?"



She says, "That sounds fantastic... But for an outside line you press 9."..

Cinderella is now 95 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.

One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother. Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years"?

The fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"

Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish: "The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I'm living hand to mouth on my disability checks, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension.

Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold

Cinderella said, "Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother".

The fairy godmother replied "it is the least that I can do. What do you want for your second wish?"

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had."

At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant for years.

And then the fairy godmother spoke once more: "You have one more wish; what shall it be?"

Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, "I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man."

Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.

The fairy godmother said, "Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life." With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared. For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.


Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, & held her close in his young muscular arms. He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered.........

"Bet you're sorry you neutered me."

There was a zebra that had lived her entire life in a zoo and was getting on in age so the zookeeper decided as a treat that she could spend her final years in bliss on a farm.
The zebra was so excited, she got to see this huge space with green grass and hills and trees and all these strange animals.
She saw a big fat weird looking brown thing and ran up to it all excited, "hi, I'm a zebra!” What are you? “I’m a cow." "Right, right. What do you do?"
"I make milk for the farmer." "Cool." The zebra then saw this funny looking little
white thing and ran over to it. "Hi, I'm a zebra. What are you?" "I'm a chicken."
"Oh, right. What do you do?" "I make eggs for the farmer."
"Right, great, see you around." Then the zebra saw this very handsome beast that looked almost exactly like her without the stripes. She ran over to it and said, "Hi, I'm a zebra. What are you?" "I am a Stallion," said the stallion. “Wow," said the zebra. "What do you do?" "Take off your fancy pyjamas, darling, and I'll show you."

Q: What's better then roses on a piano?
A: Tulips on an organ  :D

Knock-knock.

Who's there?

Under the Patriot Act, we don't have to tell you that.

Knock-knock.

Who's there?

Elvis

Elvis who?

You've forgotten him already...

You've forgotten him already...


::)

::)
Yes I know it was awful, but I have always like a variation on it with Winston as said by Peter Sellers on Parkinson.

"Mommy, mommy, can I lick the bowl out?"
"No, you can flush it like everyone else!"

A young blonde woman goes into a theatre to see a ventrilaquist act. She sits near the front to get a good view. About half-way during the act, the ventrilaquist starts telling really hysterical blonde jokes, and everyone bursts into laughter...except for the young woman. In fact, she decides to take action, and stands.
"I bet you think that's funny, don't you, you Ashcroft!"
"But -" the ventrilaquist began.
"I mean, us blondes are trying our hardest to get by in the world without being looked down on just because you think our hair makes us stupid!"
"But -"
"I think it's disgusting how everyone makes jokes about us as if there's nothing wrong with them."
"But-"
"Shut it, you dweeb," the blonde says to the ventrilaquist, "I'm talking to that wooden bastard on your knee!"

A man goes up to the bartender and says, "I bet you £10 that I could tick in a pint glass from about five metres away." The bartender looks at him curiously, and then says, "I bet £10 you couldn't." So the bartender places a pint glass on a table five metres away from the bar. The man stands on a stool, unzips his trousers and starts peeing. He manages to spray everywhere in the bar - except in the glass. The bartender, looking pleased, receives his £10, and the man sits back down on his table. He shortly returns with £100 in his hands. The bartender asks, "How did you get all that money so quickly?" The man replies, "I bet my five friends £20 each that I could tick all over the place and you wouldn't be angry about it."

And, of course, the ol' "Yo mamma so..." jokes...
(I apologise if some of these are, ahem....offensive)

Yo mamma so fat:
I wasted a whole tank of petrol driving round her
Her cereal bowl comes with its own lifeguard
When we wanna watch home movies, we dress her in white and sit her in the front
When she walked past the TV screen, I missed three commercials!
I'm jealous of yo daddy, he's got TWICE the amount of woman anyone else has
She could be the eighth continent
The telephone company gave her two area codes
She left strecthmarks on the bathtub
She made weight watchers go blind
She got in Big Foot and made it a low rider

Yo mamma so old:
She was blinded by the Big Bang
She sat behind Jesus in the fifth grade
I told her to act her age and she died
When I slapped her on the back her tits fell off
She knew Burger King when he was still a prince
She has a picture of Moses in her yearbook
Her memory is in black and white
There was no History class
When God said "Let there be light," she hit the switch
Her birth certificate expired
She squirts powdered milk from her nipples

Yo mamma so ugly:
Her shadow ran away from her
She entered a haunted house and left with a job application
She looked out the window and was arrested for mooning
Her pillow cries at night
Her dentist treats her by mail order
When she was born her mamma said "What a treasure" and her daddy said "Yeah, let's bury it"
Yo daddy takes her to work everyday so he doesn't have to kiss her goodbye
The doctor's still smacking her ass
They put her faace on Ex-Lax boxes and sell it empty

Yo mamma so smelly:
Her Right Guard has to call for back-up
She was playing in the sandbox and a cat buried her
The only dis I'll give her is disinfectant
She makes Right Guard go left, Speed Stick slow down and Ban come off strike
Even dogs won't sniff her crotch
Her sheesh is glad to escape

Yo mamma so poor:
She can't afford to pay attention
When I ring the doorbell, I hear her say "Ding dong"
She waves a lolly stick around and calls it air conditioning
She goes to KFC and has to lick everyone's fingers
Her family eats cereal with a fork to save on milk
I saw her kicking a can down the street...she said she was moving
When I ring the doorbell, I hear the toilet flush
She can't afford to go to the free clinic
I stepped on a fag butt and she said "Who turned off the heating?"
She does drive-by shootings on the school bus
I took a paper plate and she said "Don't use the good china!"
Yo mamma so po... omg, she couldn't afford the last two letters!

Yo mamma so hairy:
She has dreadlocks on her back
When she shaved, she lost 10lbs
Her tits look like coconuts
She shaved her ass and disappeared
People say to her "Can I have your autograph, Chewbacca?"
She has afros on her nipples
The hairdresser died laughing when she asked for a trim
They filmed "Gorillas in the Mist" in her shower
You almost died of rug burn at birth

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her out to someplace expensive.....

So I took her to a petrol station!

'Have you heard the joke about the SS?'

'No'

'LIER!!'

What's the difference between PMT and BSE?

One is Mad Cows Disease the other is an agricultural problem.

The Father of one of my Children

A man standing in line at a check-out counter of a grocery store was very surprised when an attractive woman behind him said, "Hello!"
Her face was beaming. He gave her that "who-are-you?" look and couldn't remember ever having seen her before. Then, noticing his look, she figured she had made a mistake and apologized.
"Look," she said, "I'm really sorry, but when I first saw you, I thought you were the father of one of my children," and walked out of the store.
The guy was dumbfounded and thought to himself, what the heck is the world coming to? Here is an attractive woman who can't keep track of who fathers her children! Then he got a little panicky. I don't remember her, he thought, but, MAYBE... during one of the wild parties I went to when I was in college... perhaps I DID father her child! He ran from the store and caught her in the parking lot and asked, "Are you the girl I met at a party in college, and then we got really drunk and had wild crazy sex on the pool table in front of everyone?"
"No!" the woman said, with a horrified look on her face. "I'm your son's second-grade teacher.

When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall
asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all
get drunk and go to heaven!
~George Bernard Shaw

What's the difference between PMT and BSE?

One is Mad Cows Disease the other is an agricultural problem.


;D ;D

Q: How Many ADD kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb

A: Let's go fishing!! :D

HEALTH QUESTION &ANSWER SESSION

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is
this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it...
don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually.
Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like
saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster.
Want to live longer? Take a nap.


Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat?
Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is
nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables
to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good
source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can
give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable
products.


Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled
wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you
get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of
grain. Bottoms up!


Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to
one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.


Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular
exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No
Pain...Good!


Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!. Foods are fried these days in
vegetable oil. IIn fact, they're permeated in it. How could
getting more vegetables be bad for you?


Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around
the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You
should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO ...... Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!!
It's the best feel-good food around!


Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.


Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!


Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have
had about food and diets.

And remember: "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the
intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved
body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand -
chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn
out, and screaming "HOT DANG, What a Ride!"

http://lutherhaven.inspirlink.com/ClientData/1019/Assets/Images/Volunteer/penguinpic.gif

Getting a bit of use out of this clip, aren't you Phillip? ;D
It needs a refresher!

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director, "What
is the criterion that defines a patient to be institutionalized?"

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, we offer
a teaspoon,
a teacup, and
a bucket to the patient and ask the patient to empty the
bathtub."

1 . Would you use the spoon?

2 . Would you use the teacup?

3 . Would you use the bucket?

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would choose the
bucket as it is larger than the spoon or the teacup."
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"Noooooo," answered the Director. "A normal person would pull the plug."


(You are not required to tell anyone how you did on this test.)

A cop notices a car sliding through a STOP sign and pulls him over. He says to the driver "Hey!! You just slid through that STOP sign!!" The driver of the car is an attorney, who thinks to himself, "I'm slicker than this guy. I'll bet I can get out of getting a ticket." So he says to the cop, "Officer, I'd be more than happy to pay a ticket if you can explain to me the difference between "sliding" and "stopping." The cop then says "Get out of the car, please". The attorney does so. The cop takes his billy club and starts beating the attorney with it. "Now," says the cop, "would you rather have me slide or would you rather have me stop?"

An officer stops a car and looks at the driver. He says "Boy, you're eyes are red, have you been drinking beer?"
The driver says, "Your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts?

A guy walks into a bar and the bartender says to the man, "Hey guy, you've got a steering wheel down your pants."

The guy replies "Yeah I know. Its driving me nuts!"

There were three guys standing on a cliff wanting to leave, a spirit appeared before them and said: I will help you get off this cliff, just run and make a wish to turn into something.

The first guy runs and says "I want to become an eagle!", He turns into an eagle and flies away.

The second guy runs and says "I want to become albatross!", He turns into a albatross and flies away.

The third guy runs, trips on a rock and says "Oh sh*t!" ............  ::)

:D ;D :o

How To Give Your Cat A Pill

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbour’s shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door on to neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the little %*#**!*# front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for NSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

Why did the banana go to the doctors?



Because he wasn't peeling very well

How can you get four suits for a dollar?

Buy a deck of cards

--------------------

What do you call a Milkman in high heels?

Dairy Queen

The devil visited a lawyer's office and made him an offer. "I can arrange some things for you, " the devil said. "I'll increase your income five-fold.  Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you'll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your wife's soul, your children's souls, and their children's souls rot in hell for eternity."

The lawyer thought for a moment. "What's the catch?" he asked.

Never Touchin' the Taser Again!



My wife is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be something akin to "Well, I have out done myself once again." No doubt you will see this true story chronicled in a Lifetime movie in the near future.

Here goes...

Last weekend I spied something at the pawn shop that tickled my fancy. (Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled). I bought something really cool for my wife.

The occasion was our 18th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my sweet girl.

What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Taser gun with a clip. For those of you who are not familiar with this product, it is a less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage electricity while you flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be short lived with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety.

You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb. tattooed assailant, push the button, and it will render him a slobbering, goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching, whimpering, pencil-neck geek. If you've never seen one of these things in action, then you're truly missing out--way too cool!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was so disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don't need no stinkin' directions), I found much to my chagrin that this particular model would not create an arch between the prongs. How disappointing! I do love fire for effect. I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it against a metal surface
that I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to. I did so.

Awesome! Sparks, a blue arch of electricity, and a loud pop!

Yipeeeeee!

I'm easily amused, just for your information, but I have yet to explain to her what that burn spot on the face of her microwave is.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, etc., etc.

There I sat in my recliner, my dog looking on intently (trusting little soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not the dog) and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target.

I must admit I thought about zapping the dog for a fraction of a second and thought better of it. He is such a sweet pup, after all. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

Was I wrong to think that? It seemed reasonable to me at the time.

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my glasses perched & ;delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Taser in the other. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries) thinking to myself, "No friggin' way!"

Friggin' way - trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself.

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good i dea of what followed. I'm sitting there alone, the dog looking on with his head cocked to one side as to say, "Don't do it buddy," reasoning that a one-second burst from such ! a tiny l il' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad (sound, rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree?).

I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the hell of it.

(Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight-- always 20-20. It is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though it seemed so right at the time. Don't ya just hate that?) I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY*********!
DAaaaauuuuuuMN!!!

I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position. The dog was standing over me making sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to himself, "Do it again, do it again!"

(NOTE: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Taser, one note of caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You're not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.. Then, if you're lucky, you won't dislodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep into your thigh like yours truly.)

SON-OF-A-***** ;that hurt! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My glasses were on the TV across the room. How did they get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. give or take an ounce or two, I'm pretty sure.

By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran away. I'm offering a reward. They're round, ! kinda hairy, and handsome if I must say so myself. Miss 'em; sure would like to get 'em back.

Stephen

25 SIGNS YOU HAVE GROWN  UP

1. Your house  plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.

2. Having sex in  a twin bed is out of the question.

3. You keep more food than beer  in the fridge.

4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.

6. You  watch the Weather Channel.

7. Your friends marry and divorce  instead of "hook up" and breakup."

8. You go from 130 days of  vacation time to 14.

9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."

10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door won't turn down the stereo.

11. Older  relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

12. You  don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

13. Your car  insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

14. You feed your  dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's lleftovers.

15. Sleeping on  the couch makes your back hurt.

16. You take  naps from noon to  6  PM

17.  Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of  one.

18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.

19. If you're a gal, you  go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.

20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."

21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

22. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm nevergoing to drink that much again."

23. 90% of the time you  spend in front of a computer is for real work.

24. You drink at  home to save money before going  to a bar.

25. You read this entire  list looking desperately
for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old ass.

25. You read this entire  list looking desperately
for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old ass.


I found some!!




1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.


don't grow house plants



6. You watch the Weather Channel.


Never heard of it

This Girl I know, lives on the 7th floor of an
apartment,  and even  though it is a fairly good neighborhood  she has
been having trouble  with a Peeping Tom  that lives next door...

Every time she goes out on her balcony to catch a
bit of sun  while  wearing her bikini this peeping tom looks over from 
his balcony, as  soon as she removes her top, and stares at  her...

She has complained to the superintendent about this 
peeping tom,  but  he says she must have positive proof  before he can
do a thing -

She FINALLY got a picture of him while he was
staring at her...

    Slow Down!




            EASY NOW!



      SMILE..................it's catching! 

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer.
> > Suddenly  the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice,
> > the Lord  said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all
> > ways, I will grant you one wish."
> >
> >    The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over
> > anytime I  want.
> >
> >  The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the
> >  enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports
> >  required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel
> >  it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. 
> > I  can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly
> >  things. Take a little more time and think of something that would
> >  honour and glorify me."
> >
> >  The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I
> >  wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels
> >  inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent
> > treatment,  why she cries, what she means when she says 'nothing's
> > wrong,' and  how I can make a woman truly happy."
> >
> > The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge???"

You have two coins in your pocket that add up to 35 cents. One of them is not a quarter. Can you identify them?


A dime and a quarter!

It said ONE of them is Not a quarter.

A dime and a quarter!

It said ONE of them is Not a quarter.


correct Jeff :)

How much dirt is in a hole 5-feet deep and 3-feet wide???

Almost everyone needs it, asks for it, gives it, but almost nobody takes it. What is it?

Almost everyone needs it, asks for it, gives it, but almost nobody takes it. What is it?


Advice