I knew this guy who once went into a pizza place and ordered a large pizza. He was asked if he wanted that cut into 6 pieces or 8. After thinking for a few seconds, he reponded, "6. I don't think I could eat 8."




Cat

When my cousin was looking after her father's chemist's shop, a man came in and asked (rather embarassed) for a packet of condoms... wondering whether he wanted a pack of three or twelve, she asked "Large or small?"... said potential customer turns even redder and leaves

But my favourite memory of my uncle (who died a few years back) is when he told me that in the second verse of "Jack and Jill":
Up Jack got and home did trot
As fast as he could caper
Went to bed to mend his head
With vinegar and brown paper
..."vinegar and brown paper" was the old wives' remedy for syphilis - which puts a different complexion on the whole nursery rhyme, don't you think?

But my favourite memory of my uncle (who died a few years back) is when he told me that in the second verse of "Jack and Jill":
Up Jack got and home did trot
As fast as he could caper
Went to bed to mend his head
With vinegar and brown paper
..."vinegar and brown paper" was the old wives' remedy for syphilis - which puts a different complexion on the whole nursery rhyme, don't you think?


Actually, the one I've heard was even better (well, I think so):

Jack and Jill went up the hill
Smokin' a little grass
Jack got high, unzipped his fly
And poked Jill in the ***    ;D

Here's a little story about an uncle of mine that my dad told me:
Well, you see, he had prosthetic legs and one day he was driving down the road and got in a little fender-bender.  But his fake feet got stuck under the pedals and he couldn't move them.  So he just took his legs off and got out of the car and went to the side of the road.  Apparently when the cop showed up, he took one look at this guy in the grass with his legs missing and he passed out.  ;D  LOL!

Since I saw a couple of little Jack and Jill spinoffs, I'll put down my poem! Ok, its really my dads poem, but I went out of my way to memorize it! When I was younger I used to love this thing!! He used to tell it when friends of my parents came over and they were having a few drinks. Here it goes:

The sun was shining brightly
And I could hardly wait
To ponder out my window
and gaze at my estate

The wind was blowing briskly
The flowers they did sway
My garden was enchanting
On this inspiring day

I saw a little birdie
With a yellow bill
And beckoned him to light
Upon my windowsill

I teased him a little closer
With a crust of bread
Then quickly shut the window
And crushed his f****** head.

Remember its not my poem, its my dads!! Don't hate me!! I think its pretty funny! The ultimate poem for passive aggressive people!!


Rio

Jack and Jill went up the hill to have a little fun.
Stupid Jill forgot the pill and now they have a son.

-or-

Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water.
Stupid Jill forgot the pill and now they have a daughter.


That Jill is ALWAYS forgetting her pill.  ;)



Cat

What about the 'Mary had a little lamb' variations?

'Mary had a little Lamb
She tied it to a pylon
12,000 volts shot up it's a**
And turned it's wool to nylon'

OK, then...

Mary had a little bear
To whom she was so kind
That everywhere that Mary went
You saw her bear... running along beside her


Mary had a little lamb
She also had a duck
She put them on the mantlepiece
To see if they'd fall off

Mary had a little lamb
so full of fun and frolics
it tried to jump a five-bar gate
and severely injured its front legs!

Mary had a little lamb
so full of fun and frolics
it tried to jump a five-bar gate
and severely injured its front legs!


Lol. Haven't heard that one before, Karen.  ;D

I don't know if this is a famous poem or not, but a friend of mine used to say it all the time. It is the last line he added that cracked me up...

Fishy fishy in the brook
Daddy catch him with a hook
Mommy fry him in the pan
And baby eat him like a man...

Die you little fishy b@ssturd...


Then there's this one I remember from high school yearbook signings...

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Most poems rhyme
But this one doesn't

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I'm a schizifranic
And so am I

-or-

The roses are dying
The violets are dead
Sugar is lumpy
And so is your head.

;D ;D ;D



Cat

I was walking to class one day and these two girls behind me were talking and one said to the other:

"So I was like going through my bag like yelling like WHERE IS MY CELL PHONE? and I like realized I was like talking on it"

I was walking to class one day and these two girls behind me were talking and one said to the other:

"So I was like going through my bag like yelling like WHERE IS MY CELL PHONE? and I like realized I was like talking on it"







Now,that's pretty funny! ;D


Howard

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Most poems rhyme
But this one doesn't

Or...

Violets are red
Roses are blue
If you think this
You're colourblind, too

A man went into McDonald's and ordered a half dozen mcnuggets.  The girl replied that they don't have a half dozen, they only come in 6, 9, or 20.  sigh, do we teach our children nothing in school anymore?

Here's a classic:

Jingle Bells, Batman smells
Robin laid an egg
The Batmobile lost a wheel
And the Joker got away!

(And one from WWII:)

Whistle while you work
Hitler is a jerk
Mussolini bit his weenie
Now it doesn't work

;D ;D ;D

Here's a classic:

Jingle Bells, Batman smells
Robin laid an egg
The Batmobile lost a wheel
And the Joker got away!


The alternative we used is this . . .

Jingle bells, Batman smells
Robin flew away
The Batmobile lost a wheel
On the M6 motorway.

The alternative we used is this . . .

Jingle bells, Batman smells
Robin flew away
The Batmobile lost a wheel
On the M6 motorway.
Ah, the British version! I like it! :)

Ah, the British version! I like it! :)


Thank you.  ;)

Here's something that was written in one of my yearbooks:

Sin is evil
Sex is sin
Sin is forgiven
So sex is in!

Ah, but one of the funniest things I've heard recently comes from a little documentary type thing I have on Ultravox. (Ha ha ha...bet you didn't see that coming, did you!) ;) When talking about Midge Ure having joined the band, the presenter/voiceover said:

"With Ure in, chart success was a piece of p*ss."

:D

...Well, I thought it was funny....;D

Absolutely Vile

I had this friend who got a very strange voice message on her machine from an old man that spoke with a twang: "Alright, this is Crown Prince William the Third of Germany. If you do not direct this call I will go directly to the World Court in Hague. I need to speak to (?) about an emergency situation.  I've already told the people in Germany," then he gave out his number (in his Southern drawl), which was only 10 digits. It was so bizarre that I was doubled over with laughter. She never heard from him again.

I just heard "Snoopy Vs. The Red Baron" by the Royal Guardsman on the radio, and it reminded me of another one of "children's greatest hits:"

10, 20, 30, 40, 50 or more
Grandma cut a fart in the grocery store
80 men died trying to hold their breath
Grandma cut another and killed the rest.

;D

Apart from the first line I didn't recognise that song.  However it bugged me all day because there was a silly version we used to sing and I couldn't remember it.

This morning I remembered!  It's about Frank Spencer and his wife (if anyone recalls that show)

10, 20, 30, 40, 50 or more
Frank got Betty down on the floor
He kissed her once, he kissed her twice
He kissed her again and said "ooh nice"

I don't know if this qualifies but I read a story about a guy with explosive diarrhea in a Ryan's Steakhouse restroom.

Come to think of it. . .

"explosive diarrhea" is pretty funny.

The phrase, not the condition. :-\\

"explosive diarrhea" is pretty funny.

The phrase, not the condition. :-\\


no sheesh?

when someone today in my counseling group was acting very delusional when this person said that the birds are chirping,the flowers are blooming and the bees are buzzing. ;D and it wasn't even a sunny day,it was cloudy and rainy. ::)



Howard

Not sure it comes into the funniest I've ever heard but it made me laugh.

Last night my daughter was walking towards me singing a song.  I only caught part of the verse at first which was (as I heard it) "pornos, pornos, I've got nothing for my pornos"

Turns out it was a song about wearing coat/hat/gloves/whatever to keep you warm and dry but you haven't got anything for your "poor nose"

A man went into McDonald's and ordered a half dozen mcnuggets.  The girl replied that they don't have a half dozen, they only come in 6, 9, or 20.  sigh, do we teach our children nothing in school anymore?



I knew this guy who went into a McDonald's and asked for a cheeseburger without the the cheese. The woman said, "We don't make it that way."




Cat

My daughter sat her RS exam yesterday - one of the questions was about Buddha becoming enlightened, and what does "enlightened" actually mean?  After failing to make up her mind about what the precise definition of "enlightened" is, she answered "He'd lost weight"

:D

My daughter sat her RS exam yesterday - one of the questions was about Buddha becoming enlightened, and what does "enlightened" actually mean?  After failing to make up her mind about what the precise definition of "enlightened" is, she answered "He'd lost weight"

:D


Classic!

When my son was very young, he liked to look at the pictures in the encyclopedias, particularly the snakes.  He was looking at them one day and pointing each one out, "What kind of snake is that?" "That's a milk snake."  "What kind of snake is that?" "That's a water snake."  He thought about this for a moment and then asked, "Where's the koolaid snake?"    :D

Classic from our "Dice man.... Andrew Dice Clay

Jack and Jill went up the hill
With a buck and a quarter each
Jill came down with 2.50
Oh!

I told someone that James Earl Ray (the guy who was convicted for killing Martin Luther King) had died. The person said, "Oh, that's too bad. I really liked his music." HUH?? (I think she was thinking of Ray Charles.)




Cat

The Simpsons must love where I live!!!!! :D

On tonight's episode, on a sign it read:

WELCOME TO WINNIPEG

WE WERE BORN HERE
WHAT'S YOUR EXCUSE?

Plus, it seems that every trip back to Canada was in Winnipeg. My guess is that Springfield is in North Dakota! ;D

Absolutely Vile

I knew this guy who went into a McDonald's and asked for a cheeseburger without the the cheese. The woman said, "We don't make it that way."




Cat


My husband used to order it that way all the time, because they used to have a value deal for two cheeseburgers but not two hamburgers.

Why do you have to take small bites? ;D


Howard
Mosquitoes vtake small bites!

Recently while out running errands for the day,we stopped for gas at one of our local mini-marts (think 7-11, Cumberland Farms, Hess,Kangaroo Express, WaWa). While inside , i decided that being famished, i would grab one of their ready to go hotdogs.Looking at the choices , i was unable to find any plain old dogs, they were all labled, HOT,SUPER Spicey HOT, etc. I walked up to the cashier and asked if she had any regular,plain old hotdogs. She tipped her head and looked at me like i was speaking pig-latin, so, I went on explaining that all those out were labld hot. She tipped her head further,wrinkled her nosee, and replied,"OH, no, we're not allowed to sell them cold"

I just turned and walked back out amazed that she could even hold a job beyond babysitting her classmates dolls.

Q: What do Disney World and Viagra have in common?
A: They both make you wait an hour for a two-minute ride.

Q: What do Disney World and Viagra have in common?
A: They both make you wait an hour for a two-minute ride.


;D

The Simpsons must love where I live!!!!! :D

On tonight's episode, on a sign it read:

WELCOME TO WINNIPEG

WE WERE BORN HERE
WHAT'S YOUR EXCUSE?

Plus, it seems that every trip back to Canada was in Winnipeg. My guess is that Springfield is in North Dakota! ;D

Absolutely Vile

Speaking of the Simpsons, I always think it's funny when Bart crank-calls Moe's Tavern, asking for people with "gag" names (unbeknownst to Moe, the name is a gag name, or double entendre, which Bart hides by saying the last name first when he tells Moe whom he's calling for). :D (The joke is revealed when Moe calls the full name aloud, saying the first name (or initials) first, and the last name last, such as "Ben Dover".)

Speaking of the Simpsons, I always think it's funny when Bart crank-calls Moe's Tavern, asking for people with "gag" names (unbeknownst to Moe, the name is a gag name, or double entendre, which Bart hides by saying the last name first when he tells Moe whom he's calling for). :D (The joke is revealed when Moe calls the full name aloud, saying the first name (or initials) first, and the last name last, such as "Ben Dover".)


I always laughed when Bart did that.

Speaking of the Simpsons, I always think it's funny when Bart crank-calls Moe's Tavern, asking for people with "gag" names (unbeknownst to Moe, the name is a gag name, or double entendre, which Bart hides by saying the last name first when he tells Moe whom he's calling for). :D (The joke is revealed when Moe calls the full name aloud, saying the first name (or initials) first, and the last name last, such as "Ben Dover".)


You know SOMEBODY had to make a list of the names of the prank calls.  Here it is:
http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/List_of_Simpsons_Prank_Calls