Got this in an email...sorry if you have already heard them.



Tidbits of wisdom -
1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather-- who died peacefully in his sleep.  Not screaming like all the passengers in his car."
--Author Unknown

2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle:  "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children"
--Author Unknown

3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so?  There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
--Drew Carey

4) "Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house,"
--Rod Stewart

5) "The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house."
--Jeff Foxworthy

6) "See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
--Robin Williams

7) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base."
--Dave Barry

8) "What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?"
--Marilyn Pittman

9) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we
should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."
--Bob Ettinger

10) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim."
--Paula Poundstone

11) "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men.  I just want to say to the authors of that study: "Duh."
--Conan O'Brien

12) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant??  I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God.... I could be eating a slow learner."
--Lynda Montgomery

13) "I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough.  Let's go west.'"
--Richard Jeni

14) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the
impersonators would be dead."
--Johnny Carson

15) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
--Paul Rodriguez

16) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and that's the law."
--Jerry Seinfeld

17) "Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?"
--Warren Hutcherson

18) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many.   Monogamy is the same."
--Oscar Wilde

19) "Suppose you were an idiot . And suppose you were a member of Congress ... But I repeat myself."
--Mark Twain

20) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Afghanistan."
--A. Whitney Brown

21) "Ah, yes, divorce..., from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
--Robin Williams

22) "Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself."
--Roseanne

23) "Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
--Billy Crystal

24) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will
give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'"
--Dave Barry

25) Do you know why they call it "PMS"?   Because " Mad Cow
Disease" was taken.
--Unknown, presumed deceased

So funny. I particulary like #25. Just hand over the chocolate and no one will be hurt. ;D

dont you just hate those people who have their sweaters tied around their necks......I always wonder if they have their sock tied around their ankles
--Gary Shandling

I never did understand biology in school, espeically the genetics part.  They always said that the color of my hair, and the color of my eyes are all in my genes, so I looked there, but all I found was underwear...
--the unfunny alter ego of Billy Florio

Those are great!