Humor for the gals, or people comfortable with their masculinity.  ;D

Today the Dayton Daily News published the winning entries in the Erma Bombeck Writing Competition.  1st place in Humor category by Leigh Anne Jasheway of Eugene, Oregon just killed me, so I am passing it along to all you.

"The First Time's Always the Worst"

The first mammogram is the worst.  Especially when the machine catches on fire. That's what happened to me.  The technician, Gail, positioned me exactly as she wanted me (think a really complicated game of Twister right hand on the blue, left shoulder on the yellow, right breast as far away as humanly possible  from the rest of your body).  Then she clamped the machine down  so tight, I think my breast actually turned inside out.  I'm pretty sure Victoria's Secret doesn't have a bra for that.

Suddenly, there was a loud popping noise.  I looked down at my right breast to make sure it hadn't exploded.  Nope, it was still flat as a pancake and still attached to my body.
"Oh no!" Gail said loudly.  These are perhaps, the words you least want to hear from any health professional.  Suddenly, she  came flying past me, her lab coat whipping behind her, on her way out the door.
 She yelled over her shoulder, "The machine's on fire, I'm going to get help!"

OK, I was wrong, 'The machine's on fire,' are the worst words
you can hear from a health professional.  Especially if you're all
alone and semi-permanently attached to A MACHINE and don't know if it's THE MACHINE in question.
I struggled for a few seconds trying to get free, but even
Houdini  couldn't have escaped.  I decided to go to plan B: yelling at the top of my lung (the one that was still working).

I hadn't seen anything on fire, so my panic hadn't quite
reached epic proportions.  But then I started to smell smoke  coming from behind the partition.  "This is ridiculous," I thought.  I can't die like this.   What would they put in my obituary?  Cause of death:breast entrapment?

I may have inhaled some fumes because I started to hallucinate. An imaginary fireman rushed in with a firehose and a hatchet. "Howdy,ma'am," he said.  "What's happened here?"  he asked, averting his eyes. "My breasts were too  hot for the machine," I quipped, as my imaginary fireman ran out of the room again.  "This is gonna take the Jaws of Life!"

In reality, Gail returned with a fire extinguisher and put out the
fire.  She gave me a big smile and released me from the machine.  "Sorry!  That's the first time that's ever happened. Why don't you take a few minutes to relax before we finish up?"

I think that's what she said.  I was running across the parking
lot in my backless paper gown at the time. After I'd relaxed for a few years, I figured I might go back.

But I was bringing my own fire extinguisher.

LOL!

Ouch!  :-/

Thanks for sharing that Shaz!  That was funny!  ;D

That is funny. I just had my mammogram about a month ago-I'm glad I read this AFTER and not before I took it.  ;)



Cat

OMG!  This is just what I needed.  You see, I was ROFLMFAO!  If there were more of these, I wouldn't have an a$$ ;D

GOOD GRIEF!!!

Glad I'm a man.  Our "intrusive" and painful exams are mostly low tech, so less worry about fire.

Very funny Shaz  ;D

LOL!