These are great!
*************************
Love is grand;      
divorce is a hundred grand.
*************************
I am in shape.
Round is a shape.
*************************
Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
***************************
Never be afraid to try something new.
Remember, amateurs built the ark, professionals built the Titanic.
***************************
Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.
***************************
Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
***************************
Even if you are on the right track,
you'll get run over if you just sit there.
***************************
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.
***************************
An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world.
A pessimist fears that this is true.
**************************
There will always be death and taxes; however, death doesn't get worse every year.
***************************
In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
***************************
Dijon vu --
the same mustard as before.
***************************
I am a nutritional overachiever.
***************************
I plan on living forever. So far, so good.
***************************
Practice safe eating --
always use condiments.
***************************
A day without sunshine is like night.
***************************
If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.
***************************
It's frustrating when you know all the answers,
but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
***************************
The real art of conversation is not only to
say the right thing at the right time,
but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
***************************
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
***************************
Age doesn't always bring wisdom.
Sometimes age comes alone.
***************************
Life not only begins at forty,
it also begins to show.
**************************
You don't stop laughing because you grow old,  you grow old because you stopped laughing