FOR LANGDON.........

FOR MEN TIRED OF RECEIVING MALE-BASHING JOKES

How many men does it take to open a beer?  None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.


Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.


Why do women have smaller feet than men?  It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.


How do you know when a woman is about to say  something smart?  When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."


How do you fix a woman's watch?  You don't. There is a clock on the oven.


Why do men break wind more than women?  Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.


If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.


What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?  A woman who won't do what she's told.


I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.


I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don't like to interrupt her.


Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called a Wedding Cake.


Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.


Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.


Why do men die before their wives? They want to.

A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, "I haven't eaten anything for days."
She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."


Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad: That happens in every country, son.


A man inserted an advertisement in the classified: "Wife Wanted." The next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."


The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.


Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.

You are treading on very dangerous ground here Gabble

Those are hilarious!

I thank God that I'm not one of these women ;D  

So funny, and so, so...

Whatever that last word is.

Gabble, my dear, we can always count on you for a good laugh. :)

If they can send one man to the Moon, why can't they send them all.

A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.

The more and more I see men, the more and more I love my cats.

Men! You can't live with them and you can't shoot them.


(Hey, fair game  ;))

Cat

Female drivers

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing him to have to drive on the shoulder. This evidently pissed the driver off enough that he hung out his window and flipped the woman off. "Man, that guy is stupid" I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic and here's why.
I drive 38 miles each way, every day, to work. That's 76 miles, of these, 16 each way is bumper-to-bumper. Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway. So, if you just look at the 7 lanes I am not in, that means I pass something like a new car every 40 feet per lane. That's 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars. Even though the rest of the 34 miles is not bumper-to-bumper. I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars. That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars I pass every day. Statistically half of these are driven by females, that's 18,000. In any given group of females, 1 in 28 are having the worst day of their period. That is 642.

According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding, that's 449. According to the National Institutes of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide, that's 98. And, 34% describe men as their biggest problem, that's 33. According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons, and the number is increasing.

That means, that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, is having the worst day of her period, and is armed.

No matter what she does in traffic, I wouldn't DREAM of flipping her off.

Very smart, Taoist.




Cat

For the sake of balance...

Q: How do you make a woman come?
A: Who cares?

Q: How many men does it take to wallpaper a room?
A: Depends how thinly you slice them.

Q: Why did God create Woman?
A: He couldn't teach sheep to wash dishes.

Q: Why did God create Man?
A: She was drunk and horny one night.

Why are women so bad at parking cars?

Because they think this is six inches