Just jokes...please take no offense ;)

==============================================
First...one for th guy formerlly known a Rice Cube!

A blonde walks up to a Coke machine in a Las Vegas casino, puts in a few coins, and out pops a Coke. She puts some more coins into the machine, and another can of soda pops out. She keeps putting in coins, and cans of soda keep coming out.

A guy walks up behind her and says, "Can I please use the machine?"

"Screw You!" she says. "Can't you see I'm winning?"

==============================================

One day while on patrol, a police officer pulled over a car for speeding. He went up to the car and asked the driver to roll down her window. The first thing he noticed, besides the nice red sports car, was how hot the driver was! Drop dead blonde, the works.

"I've pulled you over for speeding, Ma'am.... could I see your drivers license...?"
"What's a license???" replied the blonde, instantly giving away the fact that she was as dumb as a stump.
"It's usually in your wallet," replied the officer.

After fumbling for a few minutes, the driver managed to find it.
"Now may I see your registration?" asked the cop.
"Registration..... what's that?" asked the blonde.
"It's usually in your glove compartment," said the cop impatiently. After some more fumbling, she found the registration.
"I'll be back in a minute," said the cop and walked back to his car.

The officer phoned into the dispatch to run a check on the woman's license and registration. After a few moments, the dispatcher came back; "Ummm.... is this woman driving a red sports car?"

"Yes," replied the officer.

"Is she a drop dead gorgeous blonde?" asked the dispatcher.
"Uh... yes" replied the cop.

"Here's what you do," said the dispatcher. "Give her the stuff back, and drop your pants."

"WHAT!!? I can't do that. It's..... inappropriate," exclaimed the cop.

"Trust me..... just do it," said the dispatcher.
So the cop goes back to the car, gives back the license and registration and drops his pants, just as the dispatcher said.

The blonde looks down and sighs, "Oh no ... not ANOTHER breathalyzer."

==============================================


John gets a call from his very blonde girlfriend Buffy. "I've got a problem," says Buffy.

"What's the matter?" asks John.

"Well, I bought this jigsaw puzzle, but it's too hard. None of the pieces fit together and I can't find any edges."

"What's the picture of?" asks John.

"It's of a big rooster," replies Buffy.

"All right," says John. "I'll come over and have a look."

So he goes over to Buffy's house and she greets him by saying, "Thanks for coming over." Buffy leads John into her kitchen and shows him the jigsaw puzzle on the kitchen table.

John looks at the puzzle and then turns to her and says, "For heaven's sake, Buffy, put the cornflakes back in the box."

Quick hits:

Why did the blonde climb the chain link fence?
To see what was on the side side.


How many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three.  One to hold the bulb and two to spin her around.


What happens when you turn a blonde upside down?
She becomes a brunette.

How do you drive a blonde crazy?
--Hide her hairbrush.
Why do you take a blonde shopping with you?
--So you can park in the handicapped spaces.
Why does a blonde wear panties?
--To keep her ankles warm.
How does a blond turn on the lights after having sex?
--Opens the car door.
What do you call a brunette between two blondes?
--An interpreter.
What do you call a blonde who dyes her hair?
--Artificial intelligence.
What is the difference between a blond and a 747?
--Not everyone has been in a 747.
Why did the blonde have a bruised belly-button?
--Her boyfriend was blonde too.
How do you give a blonde more headroom?
--Adjust the steering wheel.
How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?
--Wave.
How did the blonde get hurt raking leaves?
--She fell out of the tree
How do you make a blonde's eyes sparkle?
--Shine a flashlight in her ear.
What did the blonde say after her boyfriend blew in her ear?
--Thanks for the refill.
What do you call 10 blondes standing side by side?
--A wind tunnel.
What do you call a circle of blondes?
--A dope ring.
How do you drown a blond?
--Put a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of the pool.
--Put a mirror on the bottom of the pool.
What do blondes put behind their ears to attract men?
--Their ankles.
What goes VROOM! SCREECH! VROOM! SCREECH! VROOM!
--A blond at a flashing red light.
What is the difference between a pregnant blonde and a lightbulb?
--You can unscrew a lightbulb.
What does a blonde say when she finds out she's pregnant?
--Gee, I hope it's mine.
What is the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
--You can only get three fingers in a bowling ball.
--You can't get a blonde in a bowling ball.
What does a blond say when she opens a box of Cheerios?
--Look at all the doughnut seeds!
Where does a blonde wash her hair?
--In the sink...where else do you wash your vegetables?
How do you make a blonde laugh on Monday?
--Tell her a joke on Friday.
What do you do if a blonde throws a hand grenade at you?
--Pull the pin and throw it back.
Why did the blonde have a hard time making Kool-Aid?
--She couldn't get all the water in the little packet.

never mind...



edited again because don beat me to the other one...

How does a blonde spell blonde?

"b....l...umm...o...ummm...uhhh...oh, you know..."

Skirting the boundaries of good taste...

So a blonde and her boyfriend are doing the wild monkey dance for the very first time.  The boyfriend notices that when he thrusts, her toes curl up.

Later, they take a shower and end up "dancing" again.  But this time her toes don't curl up when he thrusts.  He asks her why, and she answers, "Silly, I take my pantyhose off in the shower."

;D

Why did the blonde fail the driving test?
She couldn't learn to sit up in a car.

Why did the blonde fail the driving test?
Every time the car stopped, she jumped in the back seat.

Why are blondes' hair so big?
So jokes won't go over their heads.

Why was the blonde fired from her quality control job at the M & M's plant?
She kept throwing out all the W's.

What did the Blonde get on her I.Q. Test?
Lipstick.

What do you call a blonde on a college campus?
A visitor.

Why was the blonde girl's navel bruised?
Blonde guys are dumb, too.

What do you call a dead blonde in a closet??
A hide and seek champion.

Why can't blondes have children?
Because all the "seed" is in their esophagus.

Ah, the days I used to bartend are coming back to me now...I had to have heard every joke here at least a million times.... ::)


But they are still funny!!!! ;D

Here's a pretty long one...get comfortable.

One day this blonde walks into a hairdresser's. She sits on the chair and starts to get her hair cut. When the haircutter is halfway done she realises she can't finish the cut because the blonde is wearing headphones. She asks the blonde if she could take off the headphone but she protests and says that she would never do that. Eventually the hairdresser get the blonde to take off the headphones. After another 10 minutes of haircutting, the blonde drops dead. The hairdresser, curious, puts on the headphones and hears:
"Breath in, breath out, breath in..."

Sorry it's not too good....oh well weeeee ha ha.  ;D

It was good i thought it was funny.

Quoting:
Here's a pretty long one...get comfortable.

One day this blonde walks into a hairdresser's. She sits on the chair and starts to get her hair cut. When the haircutter is halfway done she realises she can't finish the cut because the blonde is wearing headphones. She asks the blonde if she could take off the headphone but she protests and says that she would never do that. Eventually the hairdresser get the blonde to take off the headphones. After another 10 minutes of haircutting, the blonde drops dead. The hairdresser, curious, puts on the headphones and hears:
"Breath in, breath out, breath in..."

Sorry it's not too good....oh well weeeee ha ha.  ;D

End Quote

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:

...she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
...she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
...she thought a quarterback was a refund.
...she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
...she thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
...she thought Eartha Kitt was a set of garden tools.
...she thought General Motors was in the army.
...she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
...she thought Tupac Shakur was a Jewish holiday.
...under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics."

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:
...she tripped over a cordless phone
...she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "concentrate."
...she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."
...at the bottom of the application where it says "sign here," she put Sagittarius."
...she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:
...she studied for a blood test.
...she thought she needed a token to get on "Soul Train."
...she sold the car for gas money!
...when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.
...when she went to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left," She turned around and went home.

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:
...when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
...she thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.
...if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
...she thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.

How do you know when a blond uses the computer? There is whiteout on the screen.

What is a blond in the freezer? Frosted flakes.

Why do blonds wear shoulder pads? She shakes her head back and forth saying, "I don't know." (This one is better with visualization.)



Cat

Here's a blonde guy joke I found on a fax (slightly altered):

"Three construction workers were eating lunch on a high beam. The black haired worker saw a peanut butter sandwich in his lunchbag and screamed, "Oh, no! If I find one more peanut butter tomorrow and jelly sandwich, I swear I'll jump off this beam." Then the red-haired worker opened his lunchbox and found a ham sandwich. "Oh no, not another ham sandwich!", gasped the man. "If I find a ham sandwich tomorrow, I know I'll jump to my death." The blonde guy finds a bologna sandwich in his box and yells, "Oh, darn! Boloney again! The moment I see another bologna sandwich, I'll jump from this beam and die." So the next they all found the same sandwiches for lunch, and all of them jumped to their deaths. As their widows and friends attended their joint funerals, the black-haired man's wife sobbed, "Oh, maybe I shouldn't have  made my husband that peanut butter sandwich. If I knew that he was tired of peanut butter, I would have made him a pizza instead." The red-haired worker's widow cried, "I'm sorry that I made him that ham sandwich. If I knew he hated ham sandwiches, I would have served him a nice burger instead." Suddenly, everyone at the funeral focused on the blonde man's widow. "Well, don't look at me." she said. "He makes his own lunch."  ;D  

As a blonde I get sent Blonde jokes All the time but this is one of my favourites

A blonde walks into a bank in London and asks for the loan officer. She says
she's going to the US on business for two weeks and needs to borrow £5,000.

The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so
the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce parked on the street in
front of the bank.

Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for
the loan.  The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the
blonde for using a £250,000 Rolls as collateral against a £5,000 loan. An
employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's
underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the £5,000 and the interest, which
comes to £15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had
your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a
little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you
are a  multimillionaire.  What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow
£5,000?"

The blonde replied,........................ "Where else in London can I park my
car for two weeks for only £15.41?".

Finally, a smart blonde !

Two blondes are walking along opposite sides of a creek when one blonde asks "How do I get to the other side?" to which the other blonde replies "Silly! You are on the other side!"

A blonde, a redhead and a brunette are coming back into the office from lunch when they see a little pool of something on the floor.  The redhead looks at it and says "it looks like semen".  The brunette kneels down and sniffs, and says "It smells like semen".  The blonde sticks her finger in, licks it then says "Well, it's nobody who works in our office"

;-)

Phil

Q: What does a blonde say in the morning?
A: Who ARE you guys?

Q: How did the blonde break her arm raking leaves?
A: Fell out of the tree.

Q: Why do you keep a blonde on the job 7 days a week?
A: So you don't have to retrain them on Monday.

Q: What do you call a blonde with 1/2 a brain?
A: Gifted.

Q: What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
A: I hope it's mine!!!!

Q: How can you tell if a blonde has been using your lawn mower?
A: The green "Welcome" mat is ripped all the shreds.

Q: What did the blondes mom say before she left for a date?
A: If you are not in bed by 10, come home!

Q: Why are blondes like turtles?
A: When on their back, they are screwed.

Q: What do you call 10 blondes standing in a row?
A: Wind tunnel.

Q: How does a blonde kill a fish?
A: She drowns it.

Q: What's similar about UFO's and a smart blonde?
A: You keep hearing about them, but never see one…

Q: What do you call a brunette between 2 blondes?
A: An Interpreter.

Q: What does a blonde say first thing in the morning?
A: Are all you guys on the same team?

Q: What do you call a blonde who has dyed her hair black?
A: Artificial intelligence.

Q: How can you tell when a blonde has used your computer?
A: Wite-Out all over the screen.

Q: What's similar about Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, and Smart Blondes?
A: They are all make-believe.

Q: Why do blondes write TGIF on their shoes?
A: Toes Go In First

Q: How is a blonde unlike the Titanic?
A: You know how many men went down on the Titanic.

Q: Why don't blondes get coffee breaks?
A: WHAT? And have to retrain them?

A blonde boy walks into his fathers house and starts screaming, "Dadda! Momma!"
His mom and dad run over to the scared boy and ask, "What's the matter? What?"
The boy says, "There was a ghost outside!! I saw it! Everyone says blondes are stupid, but I can prove not! I saw a ghost!"
The family knew it was washing day + it was broad daylight outside...

John gets a call from his blonde girlfriend, Buffy.  "I've got a problem," says Buffy.

"What's the matter?" asks John.

"Well, I've bought this jigsaw puzzle, but it's too hard.  None of the pieces fit together and I can't find any edges."

"What's the picture of?" asks John.

"It's of a big rooster," replies Buffy.

"All right," says John, "I'll come over and have a look."

So he goes over to Buffy's house.  Buffy leads John into her kitchen and shows him the jigsaw on the kitchen table. John looks at the jigsaw and then turns to Buffy and says, "For Pete's sake, put the cornflakes back in the box."

Q. What do you call a blonde with one brain cell?

A.  Pregnant.

this blonde is laffin my tush off these are funny!!ok heres one
what did the lil blonde gurl say to her daddy when he opened a box of cherrioes...look daddy doughnut seeds!! LOL

Q. If a blonde and a brunette are thrown from a cliff, who hits the bottom first?
A. The brunette. The blonde has to stop to ask for directions.

Q. When you gaze into a blonde's eyes, what do you see?
A. The back of her head.

Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a telephone?
A.  It costs 20p to use the telephone.

Q. What did the blonde mother say to her daughter on Saturday night?
A. If you're not in bed by 12, come home.

a blonde, a red-head, and a brunette are walking when the come across a magical cliff.  there's a sign by the cliff that says if you jump off and scream something, you will become whatever you scream.  the brunette jumps off and yells, "an eagle!"  she becomes an eagle and flies away.  the red-head jumps off and yells, "a butterfly!"  she becomes a butterfly and flies away.  the blonde trips over a rock and yells, "oh crap!"

how to tell a natural blonde from a dyed blonde:
ask the question "what's 6 & 9?"
if the response is "15, why?" it's a brunette with her hair dyed.
if the response is "69!" it's a red-head with her hair bleached.
if the response is "6...9.  6...9.  6...what was the other number?" it's a natural blonde.

2 out of 2 blondes agree that their family history is found in a box  ;)

these jokes are great....heres one:


A blonde a Brunnette and a red head are arrested in columbia for trying to smuggle drugs out of the country...they are sentanced to death via fireing squad.....so they come up with a plan to escape...first the brunnette is brough before the fireing squad, and before the men shoot she yells out "EARTHQUAKE!" ...all the men scrammble for shelter and the brunette runs away...then the red head is brought up...again before the men shoot she yells out "FLOOD!!"..the men scramble again and she runs away...the blonde understand what the others did, so she decided shes gonna do the same thing to escape..they bring her before the squad, and she's smiling..the commander asks her if she has any final requests and she realizes this is her chance to escape so she yells "FIRE!!!!!".....