For those of you who listen to NPR probably knows that Garrison Keeler of Prairie Home Companion is searching for jokes. I thought it would be cool if we had our own joke search. If people want, we could even vote on a scale of 1-10 as to how funny they are. I will start:




When God created the Earth, he went up to man and said, "I will give you 20 years normal sex-life." Man said, "That is wonderful. I will take it."

Then, God went up to the monkey and said "I will give you 20 years normal sex-life." The monkey said, "No, I will only take 10." Then the man stands up and yells, "I'll take his other 10." God said, "Ok, you can have it."

Then, God went up to the lion and said, "I'll give you 20 years normal sex-life." The lion said, "No, I will only take 10." Once again, the man stands up and yells, "I'll take his other 10." God said, "Ok, you can have it."

That is why today, the average man has 20 years normal sex-life, 10 years of monkeying around and 10 years of "lion" about it.




Cat

lol i like it ;D

I guess no one else did  :'(   I figured that people would be putting up a lot of jokes here but I guess I am wrong.




Cat

I liked your joke! I just couldn't think of the right one to put up yet.  ;D

Okay, here's a Sven and Olga medical joke.  It ain't as funny on paper, though...

Sven and Olga are on their honeymoon, and Sven begins to undress.  He takes off his shoes and socks, revealing his gnarled and ugly toes.
"Oh my gosh!" Olga says.  "What happened to your feet?"
"Vell," Sven says.  "Ven I vus a kid I had da toelio."
Olga ponders this for a moment and says: "Dear, don't you mean polio?"
"Ya," Sven says.  "I had da toelio."
Sven removes his pants and reveals a set of seriously ugly knees.  Olga points at them and says: "My gosh, Sven, what happened to those?"
"Vell," Sven says.  "Ven I vus a kid I had the kneasles."
Olga thinks this over for a minute.  "Dear, don't you mean you had measles?"
"Ya," Sven says.  "The kneasles."
Sven continues to remove his clothes until he is completely uncovered.  Olga looks at him and suddenly bursts out laughing.
"Vut's the matter?" Sven asks.
Olga gasps and says: "Sven, before you say anything, I'm sorry you had small pox, too..."

http://www.click-smilie.de/sammlung/cool/cool030.gif

Hehe...


A woman opened the door to find her neighbour standing in front of the door leaning on the wall.  
He said "I'll give you £2,000 for some casual sex."
Quite taken aback, she replied "Well, I am a bit short of cash and I'm on the pill so what the hell, get stuck in."
After he had as knee-trembler just inside the door, he handed her the £2,000 and left.
"Who was that?" shouted her husband from upstairs.
"Oh, it was just Fred from next door," she replied.
"Did he give you that £2,000 he owes me?" asked the hubby.



Kinda old i know but still...  :D

http://us.news2.yimg.com/us.yimg.com/p/cx/uc/20030121/cl/cl030121.gif

Thought sometimes we all might relate to this pic. :D

New Meds For Women:

D A M I T O L
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to he*l for up to 8 hours.
ST. M A M A' S W O R T
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.

E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N
Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait 'till they
moved out.

P E P T O B I M B O
Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting.

D U M E R O L
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ causing enjoyment of country western music.

F L I P I T O R
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

M E N I C I L L I N
Potent antibiotic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be a better person...can we get naked now?"

B U Y A G R A
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree.

Extra Strength BUY-ONE-AL
When combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminate buying frenzy so severe the victim may even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD or a book by Dr.
Laura.

J A C K A * S P I R I N
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.

A N T I - T A L K S I D E N T
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers.

S E X C E D R I N
More effective than Excedrin in treating the, "Not now, dear, I have a headache," syndrome.

R A G A M E T
When administered to a spouse, provides the same irritation as ragging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.

;D

If Optimus Prime and Leader One met, do you think Prime would make him his b!tch?  :D

So this guy is driving through the desert a big refrigerated truck, carrying a truckload of penguins, 20 of them, suddenly the truck sputters, and dies on him. Guy is so worried, you know the temperature is going to start to climb and, well you know that's not good for penguins, five minutes later a costa rican dude drives by in a beat-up VW beetle and offers to help. Truck driver asks if A/C works, sure says the beetle driver, truck driver tells the guy he'll give him $2000.00 to take the penguins to the Zoo. Beetle driver says "-sure, It'll be my pleasure señor..." And drives away with 18 happy penguins in his backseat and 2 riding shotgun.

Hours later, truck driver is still struggling to get the truck fixed when he hears the distinctive sound of the VW, gets out of the truck and to his surprise, all the penguins are still in the car!! "-what are you doing!?" he yells, "-told you to take them to the Zoo!!"  and the VW driver tells him, "-take it easy, I did, I did..." says the bug Fella "-I still have some money left and came back to ask you if you wanted me to take them to the movies too..."  :-I am Costa Rican so that part is just special F/X, y'know, for the latino accent and stuff

Bumping this back so you guys can read my joke, it's better w/a few beers inside though  ;D

If Tuesday Weld and Frederic March had a baby girl                                                    ------- Could they call it Tuesday March the second.... ;D                                             If Hedy Lamarr married Nelson Eddy  would she be Hedy Eddy ;D ;D

A young vampire bat came flapping in from the night,
covered in fresh blood and perched himself on the roof of
the cave to get some sleep.

Before long, all the other bats smelled the blood and
began hassling him about where he got it. He was tired
and needing a rest, so he told them to please leave him
alone. However, it was clear that he wasn't going to get
any sleep until he satisfied their curiosity.

"OK!" he said with exasperation, "follow me," and he
flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats following
close behind him.

Down through the valley they went, across the river and
into the deep forest. Finally he slowed down and all the
other bats excitedly gathered around him.

"Do you see that tree over there?" he asked.

"Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

"Good," said the first bat, "Because I DIDN'T!"

A husband is at home watching a football game when his
wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway,
it's been flickering for weeks now."  He looks at her and says
angrily, "Fix the light?  Now? Does it look like I have a G.E.
logo on my forehead?  I don't think so." "Well then could you
fix the fridge door, it won't close right" To which he replied,
"Fix the fridge door, does it look like I have Westinghouse on
my forehead?  I don't think so." "Fine," she says, "then could
you fix the front steps, they're about to fall down?"  "I'm not a
damn carpenter and I don't want to fix steps now." he says.
"Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my
forehead?  I don't think so.  I've had enough of this, I'm going
to the bar."  So he goes to the bar for a couple of hours and
starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife.  He
decides to go home and help out.  As he walks
into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed.  Then
he notices the
hall light is working.  He goes to get a beer and finds the
fridge door is fixed.  "Honey, how did all this get fixed?"
She said, "Well, when you left I sat outside and cried.  Just
then a young man asked me what is wrong and I told him.
He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either
go to bed with him or bake him a cake." He said, "So what
kind of cake did you bake him?"  She replied, "Hellooooo, do
you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead?"

A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately falls quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke sir, you should know five things:
1 - The bartender is a blonde girl.
2 - The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3 - I'm a 6 foot tall, 200 pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weightlifter.
5 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.
Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?" The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and declares, "Nah...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

A man goes with his son to the vets. Carefully placed in a shoebox, the son reveals to the vet a dead gerbil.

The father is pretty sure he *knows* the gerbil is dead but for the sake of his son...

The vet places the box on the floor, opens the back door and lets in a ginger tom. The tom walks 'round the box, purring and sniffing at the gerbil and walks out again.

The son looks at the father, the father shrugs.

Then the vet goes out and returns with two labradors which he leads to the box, lets them have a good sniff of the gerbil and then leads away again.

"I'm afraid there's no more we can do," says the vet. "That'll be £300."

"£300! That's absolutely outrageous!" says dad.

"Well, there was the cat scan and the lab tests..."

Yes, I'll probably get yelled at for this joke, but I liked it!




A dog went wild and attacked a young boy in Central Park NY. A man was able to grab the dog by the neck, pulling it off the boy and choking it to death. A reporter for the NY Times calls the man to interview him, congratulating him on his act of heroism. He suggests the headline: "New Yorker saves the life of a young boy!" But the man tells him: "I'm not from NY." "Ok, then how about: "American hero saves the day."
"But," the man told him, "I'm not American." "Then, where are you from?" asked the reporter. "I'm from Pakistan," the man answered. The next day the headlines read: "MUSLIM FUNDAMENTALIST STRANGLES DOG IN CENTRAL PARK. FBI INVESTIGATING POSSIBLE LINKS TO AL-QAEDA!"

Two nature scientists, one from Czeckoslavakia, the other from Russia come to Yellowstone National Park to study the mating habits of the North American Grizzly bear. They tell the park rangers what their there for and pay the camping fee for 8 days camping. Just before leaving, they are warned by the park ranger that the bears are extremely aggressive and very hungry due to the season (mating season and spring, just after hibernation) and suggest that the scientists call in on their cell phones at the end of each day to let everyone know their alright. The first day goes fine and they call in at 7pm. The second day, same thing, they call at 7pm sharp. The third and fourth, everythings fine but on the 5th day when the rangers hadn't heard from them at 9pm they start getting worried. By midnight, they know something has gone terribly wrong so they form a search party and go looking. Two of the rangers stumble upon the scientist's camp site and it is completely ravaged. They see a blood trail so they naturally follow it. After about 1/2 mile they come upon the body of a female bear and through their vast experience, deduce that the scientists had been studying a bear family and had gotten too close and had to kill the female to try to survive. They decide to cut her open and see if they can find anymore info, so they do and to their surprise, the body of the Russian is in the stomach. Knowing this could have international incident written all over it, one looks at the other and says, "You know what this means don't you?" "No, what?" says ranger #2. Ranger #1 says "Well........the Czeck's in the male."

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one.

Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man.
That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days".

Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely!"

"This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued, "and look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands
it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police...."

MORAL OF THE STORY:

Women are clever b***ches.  Don't mess with them. ;D

I thought I would revive this thread! ;D

If you like George Carlin - READ THIS!-

`Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
`If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
`Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts, but as mattresses?
`If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
`If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
`Is there another word for synonym?
`Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"
`What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
`Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
`Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
`If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
`Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
`Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
`Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
`How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
`What was the best thing before sliced bread?
`Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
`Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
`If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
`If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?  
`If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
`If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Hey, Princess. I see you found it.  ;)




Cat

A vacationing penguin is driving and sees that the car's oil-pressure light is on.  After coming to a complete stand still the penguin decided to get out and look. He gets out and sees oil dripping out of the motor and all over the road.  He decides to call a break down service to come out to fix his car. The break down recovery man comes after 5 minutes and takes a look under the bonnet.  He tells the penguin he'll be a while and that the penguin should do something to pass the time.  

The penguin sees an ice cream shop around the corner, and decides that something cold would really hit the spot on such a warm summers day. He gets a big dish of vanilla ice cream, and sits down to eat it. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers.

After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to his car and notices the mechanic is still working away.  The mechanic says that he has found the problem, so he closes the bonnet looks to the penguin and says, "It looks like you've blown a seal."

"No, no," replies the penguin, wiping his mouth,"it's just ice cream."

At age 4 success is . . . . not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 16 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 20 success is . . . having sex.
At age 35 success is . . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 60 success is . . . having sex.
At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.




Cat

Quote of the day:


A good friend will come bail you out of jail.....


but a true friend
will be sitting next to you saying "Darn...we f$@ked up."


;D

A bloke goes into a curry house.

Bloke: "I'd like a chicken tarka please."

Waiter: "I think you mean a chicken tikka Sir."

Bloke: "No, a chicken tarka. It's like a tikka only otter."

------------------------------------------------------

Deep in the forest, a little turtle begins to climb a tree.

After hours of effort, he reaches the top, jumps into the air, waves both front legs and crashes to the ground.

After recovering, he slowly climbs the tree again.

Once again he waves his legs and falls to the ground. The turtle tries over and over without success.

Meanwhile, a couple of birds watch his efforts. Finally the female bird turns to her mate and chirps: "Dear, I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."

------------------------------------------------------

Q. What did the fish say when it hit a concrete wall?

A. Dam

I think I have found inner peace.

I recently read an article that said the best way to achieve inner peace is to FINISH things I had started.

So, today I finished two large bags of potato chips, a chocolate pie, a fifth of Canadian Mist, a small box of chocolate candy, and I slapped the living sh*t out of someone I have never liked.  

I feel better already..

;D

a good friend will help you.

a REALLY good friend will help you hide bodies.
---
a husband and wife want to have children.  however, the wife doesn't want to go through the pains of childbirth.  they visit a doctor about this, and find out that there's this new machine where you hook the mother up to the machine and the pain is transmitted to the father.  the husband and wife agree to go through with this, and she gets pregnant.

nine months later, she goes into labor.  the husband and wife go to the doctor, they hook her up to the machine, and turn it to 25%.  the wife was still in tremendous pain, so the doctor asked the husband if he would mind if they turned the machine up.  the husband felt nothing, so he said, "sure, why not?"

the machine was turned to 50%.  the wife was still in a lot of pain, and she wanted the machine turned up.  the husband still felt nothing, so they turned the machine up.

at 75%, the wife was still in pain, and asked if the machine could be turned up.  the husband, who still felt no pain, figured if he could handle 75%, he could definitely handle 100%, so they turned up the machine.  the baby was delivered, and everyone was healthy and happy.

when the new couple got home, they found the mailman lying dead on their front porch.  ;D
---
a man walks into a whorehouse.  he goes up to the headwhore and starts to explain his situation, and she says, "don't worry sir, i understand.  harry, grease up suzie!  that'll be $200."

the man says, "i don't have that much."  the headwhore goes, "that's alright.  harry, grease up lucy!  that'll be $150."

the man goes, "uh, i don't have that much either."  the headwhore says, "not to worry.  harry, grease up wanda!  that'll be $100."

the guy says, "i don't have $100."  the headwhore says, "well, okay.  harry, grease up mary!  that'll be $50."

the man says, "i don't have $50 either."  "well," says the headwhore, "how much DO you have?"  the guys goes, "$1.50."

the headwhore thinks for a moment and finally says, "harry!  grease up!"

(wow!  i was unaware that there was a censor on this board!)  ;)
---
sorry if that was too much.  :)

Poor Canada. They could have had English culture, French cusine, and American technolgy. But, instead, they got American culture, English cusine, and French technolgy.




(Please, no offence to our friends north of the border.)




Cat

Sally Friday and Thomas Thursday had a baby girl which they called Birtha Wednesday.
Their Brother was called Chaz Tuesday.
Sally and Thomas were going out with Birtha, and Chaz was left alone.
He called up a friend.
"Thistle!" he called down the phone.
"Come to my house, It's free!"
Thistle Monday was Chaz's girlfriend.
"Sorry," said Thistle, "I'm away for Wednesday, Thursday and Friday. I'll be free for Monday and Tuesday though!"

Get it? For wednesday, thursday and friday! 'For' as in With!
Free as in together!
O well It wasnt that good...okay you got it outta me it was rubbish!

This man was sitting on his porch. This little boy passed him with something in his hand. The man said, "Say Boy, what do you have there?" The boy replied, "I got me some chicken wire. I am going to catch me some chickens." The man said, "You can't catch chickens with chicken wire." The boy egnored him and went on his way. A few hours later, the boy came back with a bunch of chickens. The man just scratched his head and thought to himself, "How did he do that?"

The next day, the boy came back with something in his hand. The man asked, "Say Boy, what do you have there?"  The boy replied, "I got me some `duck' tape. I'm going to catch me some ducks." The man said, "You can't catch ducks with duct tape-and it is duct tape not duck tape." The boy egnored him and went on his way. A few hours later, the boy came back with a bunch of ducks. The man just scratched his head and asked himself, "How did he do that?"

The next day, the boy came back with something in his hand. The man asked, "Say Boy, what do have there?" The boy Replied, "I got me some pussywillow." The man said, "Hold on. Let me get my hat."




Cat

George W. Bush was jogging one day when he came across a small child sitting on the curb holding a box. Bush decided to stop and see what the little boy was doing.

"Hello son," said Bush. "Whaddya got here?"

"I'm selling kittens," the boy replied showing the president five newborn kittens inside the box.

"Aw, that's sweet kid," said Bush.

"They're Republican kittens," said the boy.

"Really?" said the president. "You're a cute kid. I gotta show Dick Cheney the next time I come by here."

The president left the boy and came back the next day with Dick Cheney.

"You have to see it," said Dubya. "It's the cutest thing in the world. And, get this, the kid says they're Republican kittens."

"Wow, that is something." said Cheney.

"Hello, Mr. President," said the boy, seeing Bush walking up to him. "you won't believe what happened to my kittens!"

"Oh," said the President. "What happened to the Republican kittens? Did something bad happen."

"No," said the boy "But now they're Democrats."

"Democrats? Why? Just the other day you said they were Republicans. What's different now?"

"Well, they're eyes are open." replied the little boy with a grin on his face.

OK here goes.
Bringing it up

Just before God put Adam & Eve on earth he called them to him and told them that he had two extra organs, but only one of each, and they  would have to decide who got what.  The first, he said let you pee standing up.  Adam got very excited. "Oh please please please, can I have it?"  God looked at Eve, who nodded, so Adam got it, and off he went writing his name in the sand and knocking bark off trees.  "Well, Eve" says God, "this one is for you".  "And what do you call it?"
God's reply - BRAINS

Sorry guys ;)

...you have to read this one in an Irish accent for it to work properly...

An Irish poet isn't making enough writing poetry, so he thinks "what else do the Irish do well?", and decides to become a builder.  He finds a building site and tells the foreman he wants a job.  The foreman asks what qualifications he has.

"Well, Oi'm Oirish", he replies

"OK, then, let's see what you know about building: what's the difference between a joist and a girder?"

The poet thinks about this for a minute, then replies:

"Girder wrote Faust, and Joist wrote Ulysses"