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She was terrified, but would not leave him. I remembered talking to a few guys that we should corner her hubby and explain to him that he can not hit her anymore, but we were concerned that would set him off, and when they are alone, who will protect her?

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You guys are right, that would have "set him off".  He would have beat her harder, and blamed her for sending you and the others after him.  Men who abuse have an extremely distorted view of reality, and always blame everyone else but themselves for any problems.  Usually explained as the "you MADE me do it" excuse.  Take it from me.  I've been there, done that, and I have the t-shirt (and scars) to prove it.

This is kind of long, but here are some warning signs of an abusive personality.  Dear Abby publishes them in the paper every so often.

1) A PUSH FOR QUICK INVOLVEMENT OR INTIMACY. An abuser pressures for an exclusive commitment almost immediately.

2) JEALOUSY  Excessively possesive; calls constantly or visits unexpectedly; prevents you from going to work because "you might meet someone"; checks the milealge on your car.

3) CONTROLLING  Interrogates you intensely (especially if you are late) about whom you talked to and where you were; keeps all the money; insists you ask permission to go anywhere or do anything.

4) UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS  Expects you to be the perfect mate and meet his or her every need.

5) ISOLATION  Tries to cut you off from family and friends; accuses people who are your supporters of "causing trouble". The abuser may deprive you of a phone or car to try to prevent you from holding a job.

6) BLAMES OTHERS FOR PROBLEMS AND MISTAKES  The boss, the "meddling neighbor", you; it's always someone else's fault if anything goes wrong.

7) MAKES EVERYONE ELSE RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS/HER FEELINGS.  The abuser says "you make me angry" instead of "I am angry"  or, "you're hurting my by not doing what I tell you".

8 ) HYPERSENSITIVITY  Is easily insulted, claiming that his/her feelings are hurt when he/she is really mad.  The abuser will rant about the injustice of things that are just part of life.

9) CRUELTY TO ANIMALS AND CHILDREN.  Kills or punishes animals brutally. Also may expect children to do things that are far beyond their ability (whips a 3-year old for wetting a diaper, for example) or may tease them until they cry. Sixty-five per cent of abusers who beat their partner will also abuse children.

10) "PLAYFUL" USE OF FORCE DURING INTIMACY. Enjoys throwing you down or holding you down against your will during intimacy.

11) VERBAL ABUSE  Constantly criticizes you or says blatantly cruel, hurtful things; degrades, curses, cally you ugly names. This may also involve sleep deprivation, waking you up with relentless verbal abuse.

12) RIGID SEX ROLES Expects you to serve, obey and remain at home.

13) SUDDEN MOOD SWINGS Switches from sweetly loving to explosively violent in a matter of minutes.

14) PAST BATTERING Admits hitting a partner in the past, but says they made him do it or the situation brought it on.

15) THREATS OF VIOLENCE  Makes statements like "I'll break your neck" or "I'll kill you", and then dismisses them with "Everybody talks that way" or "I was angry, I didn't really mean it".  If he has come this far it is time to get help or get out!

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I guess you let people abuse you.
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That has to be the MOST ridiculous thing I have ever read in my life.  

No one...I mean NO ONE 'lets' themself be abused!!!

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I've never witnessed anything like this, but... What ever happened to calling the police?
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I think there are issues with some wifebeating husbands weaseling their way out of jail even after arrests, being nice to their wives for a while, regaining her trust and then beating the crap out of her again as vengeance.  So the wife is afraid of making the problem worse.  Of course, if she were to open his skull with a baseball bat and I was on the jury, I would never convict her.

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Re-gain their trust?! After all the abuse? They'd... They'd take them back? What could ever possess someone to play with fire is beyond me.
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Got me dude.  

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I think there are issues with some wifebeating husbands weaseling their way out of jail even after arrests, being nice to their wives for a while, regaining her trust and then beating the crap out of her again as vengeance.  So the wife is afraid of making the problem worse.  Of course, if she were to open his skull with a baseball bat and I was on the jury, I would never convict her.
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Weak laws have a lot to do with it, too.  For a first offence, many batterers only get probation, or have to pay a fine.  And if she does strike back, she gets slammed with "using deadly force".  The laws in some states are unfairly tipped.  And if he doesn't leave an "obvious mark", or there are no witnesses (because the neighbors close the curtains--they don't want to get involved), it's just his word against the woman's.  Ridiculously hard to get charges to stick with no physical evidence and no witnesses.

As for taking him back...most times the woman makes excuses for the man because she is deeply in love and wants to believe him when he says he won't do it again.  "And besides, he was drunk.  As long as he doesn't drink anymore, I'm ok...."

Or financial reasons.  It's the dead of winder and 20 degrees below zero out. She has no idea where the battered women's shelters are, or the homless shelters.  She may not know they even exist (and in many smaller cities and towns, they don't exist).  She can't go to stay with a friend or relative, because he will just follow her there.  She has no job, and no savings, therefore can't rent her own apartment.  So she tries to hang on till Spring....by which time, his behavior has changed.  She is no longer afraid of him.

Listen to my voice.  It is the voice of experience.

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That has to be the MOST ridiculous thing I have ever read in my life.  

No one...I mean NO ONE 'lets' themself be abused!!!
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Think about it for a second. Things happen to you only if you let them. If I was a woman and someone hit me, I would be out the door, calling the police, doing something. I would not let the person talk me into staying. The women who get abused have to just leave. By staying, they are letting these animals get away with horrible things.

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Think about it for a second. Things happen to you only if you let them. If I was a woman and someone hit me, I would be out the door, calling the police, doing something. I would not let the person talk me into staying. The women who get abused have to just leave. By staying, they are letting these animals get away with horrible things.
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Yeah, but there's a fear factor involved in a lot of these cases.  It's not always that simple.

Hey, by the way, my pops said I couldn't get a new bat until I broke my old one...any takers?  ;)  

WIFEBEATERS BEWARE!  WonderBoy is ready to crack some heads :)  >:(

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Think about it for a second. Things happen to you only if you let them. If I was a woman and someone hit me, I would be out the door, calling the police, doing something. I would not let the person talk me into staying. The women who get abused have to just leave. By staying, they are letting these animals get away with horrible things.
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John, I see your point, yes, we do allow this to happen. But you must understand that sometimes a person is backed into a corner with nowhere to turn. And if it is mostly emotional abuse...well..if you are told something over and over again (your worthless, your nothing, your not good enough...) after a period of time, a person will believe it. An abuser will pick and choose and find the right personality type to begin with. They are on the prey for someone who is vulnerable.

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Weak laws have a lot to do with it, too.  For a first offence, many batterers only get probation, or have to pay a fine.  And if she does strike back, she gets slammed with "using deadly force".  The laws in some states are unfairly tipped.  And if he doesn't leave an "obvious mark", or there are no witnesses (because the neighbors close the curtains--they don't want to get involved), it's just his word against the woman's.  Ridiculously hard to get charges to stick with no physical evidence and no witnesses.

As for taking him back...most times the woman makes excuses for the man because she is deeply in love and wants to believe him when he says he won't do it again.  "And besides, he was drunk.  As long as he doesn't drink anymore, I'm ok...."

Or financial reasons.  It's the dead of winder and 20 degrees below zero out. She has no idea where the battered women's shelters are, or the homless shelters.  She may not know they even exist (and in many smaller cities and towns, they don't exist).  She can't go to stay with a friend or relative, because he will just follow her there.  She has no job, and no savings, therefore can't rent her own apartment.  So she tries to hang on till Spring....by which time, his behavior has changed.  She is no longer afraid of him.

Listen to my voice.  It is the voice of experience.
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Having grown up with an abusive father, I of course married a man exactly like him.....Ms. Kat has pretty much summed up what I went thru...and it wasn't pretty.  

Fortunatly I got out, and he is in Oklahoma...far, far away!!!
It took me years to find a man I could trust, and we have been married for 9 years.  He is the best.  Just the best.  And what he made me realize is that while there are a lot of @ssholes out there, there are many good guys in the white cowboy hats, too. My first marriage was not normal, although I didn't know it at the time...I thought every marriage was like this.  Sad, but true.  I am so happy know....and I weep for the woman that feel that they have no alternatives but to stay with slimeballs like these...

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Think about it for a second. Things happen to you only if you let them. If I was a woman and someone hit me, I would be out the door, calling the police, doing something. I would not let the person talk me into staying. The women who get abused have to just leave. By staying, they are letting these animals get away with horrible things.
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It's not always a case of "just leaving".  What if the woman has no job?  And kids are involved?  No job, kids involved, hey there's a good chance he's going to get custody.  And then there is love.  People forgive a lot for love, they believe the man (or woman, it might not be as common, but men get abused too) when he begs for forgiveness and says it will never happen again.  And if it's continual abuse, it usually starts with emotional abuse and escalates into physical.  Have you seen a horse that's been broken?  Or a dog that's been kicked so much it can only cower and lick the hand that's abused it?  People's spirits get broken down the very same way.

Some people let the abuse go on, but only because they can't figure out how to stop it.  My mother left my father for another man when I was four.  This man moved her and us (my brothers and my sister and me) to another state.  My mother did not work.  He became increasingly abusive towards her and towards us (this is the man who put a steak knife into my hand, and who would beat my brothers, aged 2 and 6 until blisters formed on their bottoms, and he did worse things, much worse).  Back then, there were no abuse hotlines, or shelters for my mother to run to.  We did not let this man abuse us anymore than my mother did.  Back then, society said if a man hit his woman, she did something to deserve it.  My mother did eventually get out, but not in a way I would suggest for anyone to do.

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Back then, society said if a man hit his woman, she did something to deserve it.  My mother did eventually get out, but not in a way I would suggest for anyone to do.
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I wonder if society has to change more. Even these monsters who hit their wives or girlfriends were young once. I wonder if there is anything that could be done in the schools at an early age. How many of these abusive men were abused as kids? Shouldn't the school get involved and report abusers, or ask kids about thier home life. Is that too much an invasion of privacy? Would it be a good idea to have an abused woman and police officer go to a 5th grade class and tell them about it (like they did about drungs when I was in school)? Or perhaps judges can force the man who did the hitting to go to schools to talk about what caused him to act that way (after counseling when they figure out what went wrong in him). I guess the question I am trying to ask is there any way to prevent this?

Men do not hit the people they love. My guess is these men do not even love themselves. Why can't people be good to one another?

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On second thought, I take back what I said. I have been thinking about it the past 5 minuites, and maybe there are things you have no control over. I guess if you really love someone you are willing to forgive when others would not. I know I would give my life for the one I love. I hate the thought of how someone could hurt the person they love. If the woman can not leave him because she loves him, how can she be helped?
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I am glad I saw this before I responded....I was ready to attack.


Some women do not chose to stay with abusers....some really have no place other to go....but out into the street...and how can women do that with children to take care of.  Most abusers control the money, the household and the cars.  What are the women suppose to do, just start walking and hope like hell someone kind enough picks them up??

Unless you have been in a situation where you can speak from first hand experience...it is best not to judge others.  I do not condemn women who cannot or will not leave.  I just pray for them...

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I am glad I saw this before I responded....I was ready to attack.


Some women do not chose to stay with abusers....some really have no place other to go....but out into the street...and how can women do that with children to take care of.  Most abusers control the money, the household and the cars.  What are the women suppose to do, just start walking and hope like hell someone kind enough picks them up??

Unless you have been in a situation where you can speak from first hand experience...it is best not to judge others.  I do not condemn women who cannot or will not leave.  I just pray for them...
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I would never judge anyone. I really feel so sad for those who are hurting. This is not what life should be. We must do more. I am going to do a search for shelters in my city and donate some money. I want to cry. How the hell can people be so shitty? Why? That is not love. What do you get from hurting someone? I hate life. It is crap. Either someone hurts you and you take it, or you give it to others. That is the status quo and it must change. I want to share love and happiness. I wish hate, jelousy, envy, revenge, and all those other horrible emotions would end. I choose to love others unconditionally.

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Fortunatly I got out, and he is in Oklahoma...far, far away!!!
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OMG!!! :o :o :o  My ex is from Oklahoma originally!!

And one of my friends was dating a guy from Oklahoma who had an explosive temper.  She got out before it got bad.

What is it about men from Oklahoma?? :-/ :-/ :-/

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I swear to god if I boy notice how a said boy and not man ...ever hit me he would be so sorry. I woulde castrate him and make up the hurt the way he did to me.....I'm sorry for all those women who do get beat theres to many out there
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You are so feisty! I love that about you!  :-*

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You are so feisty! I love that about you!  :-*
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:)  :-*

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hmm I wonder who you can be talking about.......I don't think anyone who posted on this subject was being funny maybe you need to read what that person wrote again so you don't misunderstand them :)
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I am glad I saw this before I responded....I was ready to attack.


Some women do not chose to stay with abusers....some really have no place other to go....but out into the street...and how can women do that with children to take care of.  Most abusers control the money, the household and the cars.  What are the women suppose to do, just start walking and hope like hell someone kind enough picks them up??

Unless you have been in a situation where you can speak from first hand experience...it is best not to judge others.  I do not condemn women who cannot or will not leave.  I just pray for them...
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Me too! However, I think there's a difference between assigning blame and taking responsibility. IN NO WAY IS AN ABUSED WOMAN TO BLAME! But at the same time, until she is capable of accepting responsibilty for herself, she can't find the power to change her circumstances. As long as we continue to think of ourselves as "victims" we will always be at the mercy of others. As long as we belive that, on some level, we deserve that kind of treatment, we will continue to allow it.

Let me repeat though, that I do not blame the victims. But it's our responsibilty to heal ourselves so we can get out of painful situations. Otherwise, it does turn into me-doing-it-to-myself.

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I frosts my buns when the so-called psychology experts claim that abusers in a relationship were being beaten by their parents as children. Just because I had a belt or a spoon used as a weapon by my parents doesn't make me want to hurt the first child that cries loud. Violence should not be used as an excuse for more violence. The abusive person should get counseling or spiritual help. Every time these Dr. Phil wannabees make a statement like that, the less I believe them.  
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But, more often than not, one who abuses as an adult was abused or neglected as a child or who witnessed abusive behavior.  That's not saying that EVERYONE will be an abuser, but a majority of them will.  I agree, they should get counseling, but they don't see it as a problem.  It is what they grew up knowing so they think it is okay.

I had 1 boyfriend hit me, and he did it in front of my older brother.  Biggest mistake of his life.  That was also the last time I ever saw him, except in court.  The first memory I have of my father is him hitting my mother.  It was the only time I ever saw him do so, but I vowed then that I would never let a man hit me.  The one that did ended up in jail (well, so did my brother, but they dropped the charges against him.)  And, if my husband ever hit me, he would also be in jail.  

I commend all of you that have found the courage to leave your abusers.  I realize how hard it must've been to find the strength to do so.  All I can say is I wish you all the best in your future relationships. :-*

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I had 1 boyfriend hit me, and he did it in front of my older brother.  Biggest mistake of his life.  That was also the last time I ever saw him, except in court.    The one that did ended up in jail (well, so did my brother, but they dropped the charges against him.)  And, if my husband ever hit me, he would also be in jail.  

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