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This is a topic from the Playful Penguin Place forum on inthe00s.
Subject: Current Favourite Joke (let's hear yours!!)
Written By: Gabble_Ratchet on 10/23/02 at 06:12 a.m.
In a hotel room, Jim Morrison is in one corner with the rest of his band. In another corner are John Lennon, Paul McCartney, George Harrison and Ringo Starr - everyone is naked.
Monica Lewinsky walks in, drops to her knees in front of Jim Morrison and begins to do what she does best. Then does the same for his guitarist, bass player, drummer and finally the keyboard player.
When she's finished, she wanders over to John Lennon and begins to do the same to him.
At that moment there's a huge crash and Michael Caine smashes through the wall in a Mini Cooper. He jumps out and grabs Monica Lewinsky by the scruff
of the neck, "Oi!" he shouts "You're only supposed to blow the bloody Doors off!"
Subject: Re: Current Favourite Joke (let's hear yours!!)
Written By: philbo_baggins on 10/23/02 at 06:34 a.m.
ROFL!
OK, one of my favourite jokes:
One fine day in Ireland, an American tourist is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole. He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway. He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with this huge knot on his head, and the golf ball lying right beside him.
"Goodness," says the golfer, and proceeds to revive the poor little guy. Upon awaking, the little guy says, "Well, you caught me fair and square. I am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes." The man says "I can't take anything from you, I'm just glad I didn't hurt you too badly," and walks away.
Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun thinks to himself, "Well, he was a nice enough guy, and he did catch me, so I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things that I would want. I'll give him unlimited money, a great golf game, and a great sex life."
Well, a year goes by and the same tourist is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one into the same woods and goes off looking for his ball. When he finds the ball he sees the same little guy and asks how he is doing.
The leprechaun says, "I'm fine, and might I ask how your golf game is?"
"It's great! I hit under par every time."
"I did that for you. And might I ask how your money is holding out?"
The golfer says, "Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a hundred dollar bill."
"I did that for you too. And might I ask how your sex life is?"
The golfer looks at him a little shyly and says, "Well, maybe once or twice a week."
The leprechaun is floored and stammers, "What?! Only once or twice a week?"
"Well, that's not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."
Subject: Re: Current Favourite Joke (let's hear yours!!)
Written By: mrmojorisin on 10/23/02 at 06:47 a.m.
Quoting:
In a hotel room, Jim Morrison is in one corner with the rest of his band. In another corner are John Lennon, Paul McCartney, George Harrison and Ringo Starr - everyone is naked.
Monica Lewinsky walks in, drops to her knees in front of Jim Morrison and begins to do what she does best. Then does the same for his guitarist, bass player, drummer and finally the keyboard player.
When she's finished, she wanders over to John Lennon and begins to do the same to him.
At that moment there's a huge crash and Michael Caine smashes through the wall in a Mini Cooper. He jumps out and grabs Monica Lewinsky by the scruff
of the neck, "Oi!" he shouts "You're only supposed to blow the bloody Doors off!"
End Quote
Hey man, It wasn't a joke...and Caine ruined the party....
Subject: Re: Current Favourite Joke (let's hear yours!!)
Written By: Gabble_Ratchet on 10/23/02 at 07:09 a.m.
Quoting:
Hey man, It wasn't a joke...and Caine ruined the party....
End Quote
I know, he's always doin' it. Damn you Mr Caine sir!!!
Subject: Re: Current Favourite Joke (let's hear yours!!)
Written By: Race_Bannon on 10/23/02 at 08:10 p.m.
Knock, Knock
Who's there?
Dwayne!
Dwayne Who?
Dwayne the bathtub, I'm Dwowning!
Subject: Re: Current Favourite Joke (let's hear yours!!)
Written By: Jonman on 10/24/02 at 02:17 p.m.
A nun, a priest, a bishop, a farmer's daughter, a travelling salesman, an Irishman, a Frenchman and an Englishman all walk into a bar and the bartender says "What is this, a joke?"
Subject: Re: Current Favourite Joke (let's hear yours!!)
Written By: Crispy on 10/25/02 at 02:00 p.m.
Guy walks into a bar. Ouch. :P
-Crispy, your Super Friendly Aviator
Subject: Re: Current Favourite Joke (let's hear yours!!)
Written By: Bobo on 10/25/02 at 02:02 p.m.
It was an iron bar, right?
Quoting:
Guy walks into a bar. Ouch. :P
End Quote
Subject: Re: Current Favourite Joke (let's hear yours!!)
Written By: Rice Cube on 10/25/02 at 07:28 p.m.
Let's see...
So a koala bear is getting all bored in Australia, so he decides to fly to New York for some change of scenery. While he is walking around Manhattan he happens to meet a woman and strikes a conversation. Things go well and they end up going to a hotel to do their thing.
When the koala bear has had his fun, he gets up and starts towards the door. The woman says, "Hey, aren't you going to pay me?"
The koala bear says, "Why?"
The woman says, "Because I'm a prostitute."
The koala bear says, "What's a prostitute?"
The woman says, "Here's a dictionary, look it up." (Because all prostitutes carry dictionaries, you know.)
The koala bear looks it up and reads, "Prostitute: n. woman who has sex for money." Then he looks all sad and says, "I'm sorry, I'm just a koala bear, I have no money."
The prostitute says, "What's a koala bear?"
The koala bear tells her to look it up and exits the room. The definition read, "koala bear: n. eats bush and leaves."
Subject: Re: Current Favourite Joke (let's hear yours!!)
Written By: QueenAmenRa on 10/30/02 at 04:59 p.m.
Q: Why did the koala bear fall out of the tree?
A: He was dead.
Q: Why did the 2nd koala fall out of the tree?
A: He was on the 1st one's back.
Q: Why did the 3rd koala fall out of the tree?
A: He thought it was a game.
Q: Why did the man fall off the bicycle?
A: He was hit by falling koalas.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
---
Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw elephants walking up the hill?
A: "Here come de elephants."
Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw elephants with sunglasses walking up the hill?
A: Nothing-he didn't recognize them.
Q: How do elephants hide in cherry trees?
A: They paint their toenails red.
Q: How did Tarzan die?
A: Pickin' cherries.
Subject: Re: Current Favourite Joke (let's hear yours!!)
Written By: max_power on 10/31/02 at 00:57 a.m.
Why do they feed seniors Viagra?
Keeps them from rolling out of bed!
I took Viagra once. It got stuck in my throat, had a stiff neck for weeks!
Max Power
Subject: Re: Current Favourite Joke (let's hear yours!!)
Written By: philbo_baggins on 10/31/02 at 03:25 a.m.
Quoting:
Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw elephants walking up the hill?
A: "Here come de elephants."
End Quote
I thought it was:
Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw elephants coming over the hill?
A: "Swim for it!"
;-)
Phil
Subject: Re: Current Favourite Joke (let's hear yours!!)
Written By: Rice Cube on 10/31/02 at 02:00 p.m.
My dear hobbit, I hope that's not what I think it means...
Quoting:
I thought it was:
Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw elephants coming over the hill?
A: "Swim for it!"
;-)
Phil
End Quote
Subject: Re: Current Favourite Joke (let's hear yours!!)
Written By: Rice Cube on 11/17/02 at 09:38 p.m.
So Crazy Don can re-post his joke, here's the original joke thread :)
Methinks I should also post a new joke/story...I believe it is a true story, but I have seen this all over the net as an urban legend. Either way, many props to the dude :)
So it so happens that there was this guy who was taking a test. Unfortunately, his time was about to run out, even though he knew the answer to the last question. So rather than give up when the professor called "Time," he decided to just keep on going.
The other students filed to the podium to turn in their exam booklets, but our hero just kept prodding along to write his answer. When he was finally finished, he sauntered nonchalantly to the podium, where the furious professor was waiting.
The professor said, "You knew full well the time limit, so I have no choice but to fail you."
The student looked at the huge pile of test booklets on the podium, then looked at the professor and said, "Do you know who I am?"
The professor, aghast, said, "What??"
The student repeated, "Do you KNOW who I AM?"
The professor, still disbelieving, said, "I have no idea!"
The student then put his test booklet in the middle of the huge stack of booklets, and said, "Good!" before walking out the door.
I don't know what became of this guy, but it was a clever ploy...but unfortunately, one that he probably can't duplicate :)
Subject: Re: Current Favourite Joke (let's hear yours!!)
Written By: Masq_of_red_death on 11/18/02 at 06:34 p.m.
its a true story, its in chicken soup for the college students soul
Subject: Re: Current Favourite Joke (let's hear yours!!)
Written By: Crazy Don on 11/19/02 at 10:52 a.m.
Hello, Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.
If you are delusional and occasionally hallucinate, please be aware that the thing you are holding on the side of your head is alive and about to bite off your ear.
Subject: Re: Current Favourite Joke (let's hear yours!!)
Written By: Bobo on 11/19/02 at 11:27 a.m.
LOL, Crazydon!
Subject: Re: Current Favourite Joke (let's hear yours!!)
Written By: Syncronos on 11/19/02 at 12:05 a.m.
OK...get this
Four nuns are riding in an old VW bug to Sunday Mass when they run off the road and die in a crash. Instantly, the four appear in heaven, where they are greeted by St. Peter. Behind him are the giant pearly gates and a large fountain.
"Well done," he says, "Now, before you enter through the pearly gates, you must wash off any part of you that is unclean."
THe first nun steps up and says, "Well, I must wash my eyes then, for I fear I have seen a penis during my years as a nun." Peter gestures towards the fountain, the nun washes her eyes, and then heads in with great joy.
The second nun steps up and says, "If that's the case, I'm afraid I must wash my hands, for I have...touched a penis during my years as a nun." Peter gives her a confused look, but then gestures towards the fountain. The nun washes her hands, and then proceeds through the gates with a smile.
Peter turns around to see the 3rd and 4th nun having an all out BRAWL. I'm talking hair pulling, eye gouging, the works. "What is the meaning of this!?" he cried.
The 4th nun yells out: "I want to wash my mouth out before she puts her butt in the water!!"
Subject: Re: Current Favourite Joke (let's hear yours!!)
Written By: philbo_baggins on 11/20/02 at 03:40 a.m.
Quoting:
Hello, Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.
End Quote
...or:
Hello, you've got through to Barad-Dur.
If you're an Elven-king under the sky, please press three
If you're an dwarf-lord in your hall of stone, please press seven
If you're a Mortal Man, doomed to die, please press nine
If you're the Dark Lord on his dark throne, please press one
If you're in the land of Mordor, where the shadows lie, please hold for the operator
???
Phil
Subject: Re: Current Favourite Joke (let's hear yours!!)
Written By: Gabble_Ratchet on 11/20/02 at 04:52 a.m.
An American farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster that he would sell to him. The other farmer says, "Yeah, I've got this great Australian rooster named Kenny. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem."
Well, Kenny the Australian rooster costs a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Kenny. The farmer takes Kenny home and sets him down in the barnyard,
first, giving the rooster a pep talk. "I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun", the farmer said with a chuckle.
Kenny seemed to understand, so the farmer pointed toward the hen house and Kenny took off like a shot. WHAM! Kenny nails every hen in the hen house-three or four times, and the
farmer is really shocked. After that the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen. Sure enough, Kenny is in there too.
Later, the farmer sees Kenny after a flock of geese, down by the lake. Once again, WHAM! He gets all the geese. By sunset he sees Kenny out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants. The farmer is distraught and worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours.
Sure enough the farmer wakens the next morning only to find Kenny on his back, stone cold in the middle of the yard. Buzzards are circling overhead.
The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Kenny, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what's happened". Kenny opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says,
"Shhh, they're getting closer."
Subject: Re: Current Favourite Joke (let's hear yours!!)
Written By: philbo_baggins on 11/20/02 at 05:28 a.m.
Quoting:
"Shhh, they're getting closer."
End Quote
D'you know the Jake Thackray song "The Bantam Cock"?
http://www.cix.co.uk/~philbo/allsongs.htm#BantamCock
Phil
Subject: Re: Current Favourite Joke (let's hear yours!!)
Written By: Gabble_Ratchet on 11/20/02 at 05:34 a.m.
Quoting:
D'you know the Jake Thackray song "The Bantam Cock"?
http://www.cix.co.uk/~philbo/allsongs.htm#BantamCock
Phil
End Quote
Hi Phil,
I do now!! Extraordinary! Jake Thackray, I remember him. Folk singer with an amazing vocal delivery! Is he still around??
That's the first time I've seen a joke plagiarised from a song (I think!) Hey, maybe the start of a new thread there.
Good to hear from you
GR
Subject: Re: Current Favourite Joke (let's hear yours!!)
Written By: Rice Cube on 11/20/02 at 09:08 a.m.
Not so much a joke as a moment of spontaneous quipping...
My friends and I were in Myrtle Beach at a bar getting plastered. We were watching the ESPN commercial for SportsCenter where that big orange mascot is in the tape room throwing stuff around.
I ask, "What IS that thing?"
One of my friends: "I don't know, but it looks like what would happen if Elmo and Grimace had sex."
I think I collapsed a lung laughing.
Subject: Re: Current Favourite Joke (let's hear yours!!)
Written By: RockandRollFan on 11/20/02 at 09:09 a.m.
A man and a friend are playing golf one day. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: 'Wow that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are truly a kind man.'
"The man then replies: 'Yeah, well, we were married 35 years.
AND.....
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blond female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house. A little later she came out and again went to the mail box, opened it and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"
she replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL.""
Subject: Re: Current Favourite Joke (let's hear yours!!)
Written By: Rice Cube on 11/20/02 at 09:54 a.m.
Please check the "Yo Mama" thread :) Syncronos and I are having a war right now! (Within the boundaries of relatively good taste, of course!)
Subject: Re: Current Favourite Joke (let's hear yours!!)
Written By: Syncronos on 11/20/02 at 10:02 a.m.
Don't listen to him, we took good taste and beat it to death!
Subject: Re: Current Favourite Joke (let's hear yours!!)
Written By: philbo_baggins on 11/20/02 at 10:45 a.m.
Quoting:
That's the first time I've seen a joke plagiarised from a song (I think!)
End Quote
You might actually find it's the other way round, in that it's a traditional kind of joke which has been written in as a song... rather like Kevin Bloody Wilson's Manuel the Bandito (http://kevin.bloody.wilson.com.au/songbk4.html)
Jake Thackray is still alive last I heard, but not performing:
http://www.soc.surrey.ac.uk/~scs1ec/jakethackray.html
Phil
Subject: Re: Current Favourite Joke (let's hear yours!!)
Written By: Gabble_Ratchet on 11/21/02 at 08:45 a.m.
A teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
One little girl began, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pick-up when we hit a big bump in the road, and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess.
"What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket"
"Very good", said the teacher.
Another little girl raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too but we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks. The moral to this story is, "Don't count your chickens before they're hatched."
"That's a fine story", said the teacher.
A little boy at the back of the class is waving his arm wildly.
"Yes, do you have a story to share? " inquired the teacher.
"Yes ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Maureen. Aunt Maureen was a flight engineer in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of ammunition. Then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."
"Good heavens" said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"
"Stay the **#* away from Aunt Maureen when she's been drinking."
Subject: Re: Current Favourite Joke (let's hear yours!!)
Written By: XenaKat13 on 11/22/02 at 00:15 a.m.
Quoting:
"Stay the **#* away from Aunt Maureen when she's been drinking."
End Quote
Gabble, this is my favorite one so far!!!!! http://www.inthe00s.com/smilies/laughing.gif http://www.inthe00s.com/smilies/laughing.gif http://www.inthe00s.com/smilies/laughing.gif
Subject: Re: Current Favourite Joke (let's hear yours!!)
Written By: cs on 11/22/02 at 06:45 a.m.
Quoting:
Not so much a joke as a moment of spontaneous quipping...
My friends and I were in Myrtle Beach at a bar getting plastered. We were watching the ESPN commercial for SportsCenter where that big orange mascot is in the tape room throwing stuff around.
I ask, "What IS that thing?"
One of my friends: "I don't know, but it looks like what would happen if Elmo and Grimace had sex."
I think I collapsed a lung laughing.
End Quote
That sounds like "Big Red" the Western Kentucky University mascot. No, I don't know what the hell Big Red is supposed to be. I only went to college there!
Subject: Re: Current Favourite Joke (let's hear yours!!)
Written By: Crazy Don on 11/22/02 at 06:19 p.m.
My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian. He found the problem was hair in its ears and cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The vet told the lady if she wanted to keep this from reoccurring she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub in its ears once a month.
The lady goes to the drug store and gets some "Nair" hair remover. At the register the druggist tells her "If you're going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days." The lady says "I'm not using it under my arms." The druggist says "If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days." The lady says "I'm not using it on my legs either, and if you must know I'm using it on my schnauzer." The druggist says "Stay off your bicycle for a week."
Subject: Re: Current Favourite Joke (let's hear yours!!)
Written By: John_Seminal on 11/23/02 at 01:04 a.m.
That one about kenny and the farm animals had me on laughing so hard. Very funny.
Subject: Re: Current Favourite Joke (let's hear yours!!)
Written By: ThunderVamp9 on 11/26/02 at 11:33 a.m.
Irish Pet Shop....
Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop. Right away they go to the
bird section and Mick says to Paddy; "Dat's Dem". The shopkeeper
comes over and asks if he can help. "Yeah, we'll take four of
dem dere budgies in dat cage op dere", says Mick. "Put dem in
a pepper bag".
The shopkeeper does as asked and the two pay for the birds
and leave. They get into Mick's van and drive until they reach
a cliff with a 500ft drop.
"Dis looks loike a grand place, says Mick. He then takes two of
the birds out of the bag, places them on his shoulders and jumps
off the cliff. Paddy watches as his mate drops off the edge and
goes straight down for a few seconds followed by a 'Splat'. As
Paddy looks over the edge of the cliff he shakes his head and says,
"Fock Dat, dis budgie jumpin' is too fockin dangerous for me..."
Part Two: A few minutes later, Seamus approaches. He too has
been to the pet shop and is carrying the familiar 'pepper bag'.
He then pulls a parrot out of the bag and Paddy notices that in
the other hand Seamus is carrying a gun.
"Watch this Paddy" he says, as he launches himself over the
edge of the cliff. Paddy watches as half way down Seamus takes
the gun and blows the parrot's head off. Seamus continues to
plummet until there is another 'Splat' and he joins Mick at the
bottom of the cliff. Paddy shakes his head and says, "An'
oim never troyin' that parrotshooting noider..."
Part Three: After a few minutes, Sean strolls up. He too has been
to the pet shop and walks up with his 'pepper bag'. Instead of a
parrot he pulls a chicken out of the bag and launches himself off
the cliff with the usual result. Once more Paddy shakes his head
"Fock me Sean, first der was Mick wit his budgie jumpin, den
Seamus parrotshooting - and now you fockin' hen gliding....."
Subject: Re: Current Favourite Joke (let's hear yours!!)
Written By: Rice Cube on 11/26/02 at 11:38 a.m.
Now those Irishmen are either drunk or just that stupid. ;)
Subject: Re: Current Favourite Joke (let's hear yours!!)
Written By: Syncronos on 11/26/02 at 11:44 a.m.
There's a difference?
Subject: Re: Current Favourite Joke (let's hear yours!!)
Written By: SamRice Gamgee on 11/26/02 at 08:07 p.m.
http://www.theonion.com/onion3844/infograph_3844.html
Funny as hell.