Voting is now closed due to lack of voting.

Everything in this script is ficticious and satirical, and for Parody purposes ONLY. Don't sue me for using celebrities.  ;)

ANNOUNCER (That guy who talks really fast): Live from Antarctica, it's the Third Annual Igor Awards!

(Sacha Baron Cohen appears on stage dressed as a Na'vi.)

(Cliche embarrassing musical number)

(Parody of "Blue Da Ba Dee" by Eifeel 65)

SACHA BARON COHEN: Yo, listen up, here's the story
About a legless guy who visits a blue world
I've only got James Cameron to listen to (echoes...)

(James Cameron's reaction)

COHEN: I'm blue, I'm Na'vi Avatar
I'm Na'vi Avatar
I'm Na'vi, not a Smurf

(Parody of "Love Potion Number 9")

BEN STILLER: I found some martians down in Mozambique
They look like Squidward and their skin is green
Big metaphor for the stupid apartheid
In some part of Africa... Earth District Number 9
Earth District Number 9
Earth Dis trict Num ber Niiii-iiii-iiii-iii-iiiiine!

(Parody of "Love Bites" by Def Leppard)

DANIELLE HARRIS: When you make love
Do you drink blood and howl?

(Robert Pattinson's reaction)

HARRIS: Who do you think of?
Does she look like me?

(Kristen Stewart's reaction)

HARRIS: Are you Count Floyd?
Or could you be Lon Cheney?

(Taylor Lautner's reaction)

HARRIS: Did you think twice
When you dare left me?
Oooh, Ed!

(Ben Stiller reveals his vampire fangs and ridiculous hair)

(Robert Pattinson's reaction)

STILLER: When you are alone
Do two months go?
Are you getting adren'line?
Who's your canine beau?

(Taylor Lautner's reaction)

STILLER: I don't wanna touch you too much, baby
'Cause Dracula and you might pose a danger
I know we sucked at love, not the plan I made it
I don't wanna see dawn when we decide to break it

(Stephenie Meyer's reaction)

CHORUS: Love bites
Love bleeds

STILLER: Tell Fido to get some fleas!

CHORUS: Love fangs
Love dies

STILLER: New moon, it shines!

CHORUS: Love bites
Love bleeds

HARRIS: It's what I need

STILLER: We couldn't find a song for "Precoius" (echoes...)

(Gaborey Sidibe's reaction)

(Monique's reaction)

STILLER: Watch out, Bella, love bites! (Echoes...)

(Parody of the "Halloween" Theme)

JOHN CARPENTER: "Halloween II" in 2009
It sold like that album by Federline
When it was announced, it was going fine
But Rob did some things that sure crossed the line

The millions of dollars the Weinsteins gave
The many mistakes that Rob Zombie made
The first one they made was replacing Daeg
Akkad is sure rolling 'round in his grave

The remake was great, but Two's blasphemy
I'll sue you for making an ass of me
The Weinsteins sure look like your hobo Mike
And who in the hell is that Myers tyke?

Don't wanna diss Malcolm 'cause he's a Droog
Why dress up the Shape as Jeff Bridge's Dude?
That Zakk Wylde getup ain't fooling me
Your wife's on the edge of the seventeen

I feel like you robbed me of royalties
My paycheck's as small as Vampires 3
Who's doing that cinematography?
You should have called up by friend Dean Cundey

That Grizz-l-y Adams don't work for me
You saved and then ruined my property
I sure don't see Jason collecting fleas
Don't ever come back for another please

Why must you cast Sherri in every film?
How many more lines do I gotta fill?
Recycling actors grades C and D
Except for Danielle, and Daeg, where is he?
And where did my Halloween music go?

(Rob Zombie's reaction)

CARPENTER: Halloween, Halloween, Halloweeeeeen!
Twooooooooo!

(Thunderous applause and standing ovation)

ANNOUNCER: It's the 2010 Igor Awards! We've got several, countless, and innumerable celebrities, comedians, and other famous people here tonight for the festivities! I'm your announcer John Moschitta, Jr. -- a.k.a. that guy who talks really, really fast. And here's your host this evening...

(He slows down)

ANNOUNCER: Zach Gali...? Galifi...? I give up.

(Zach Galifianakis enters, singing)

ZACH GALIFIANAKIS: I was promised in my contract I wouldn't have to sing
But when they offered this song, I couldn't refuuuuuuuuuse...

(Parody of "Who Are You?" by The Who)

CHOIR: Who are you?
Who? Who? Who? Who?
Who are you?
Who? Who? Who? Who?

GALIFIANAKIS: I got a name and it comes from Greece
I'm a stand-up comedian
Your face is blank as you see my name
And the films that I've been in

When I showed up to host SNL
Security kept stopping me,
"Well you are you?"

CHOIR: Who are you?
Who? Who? Who? Who?

GALIFIANAKIS: I really wanna know!
Who are you? You? You? Youuuuuuu!

(Thunderous applause)

This award show thingy is getting revved up like a douche, another runner in the night. I can still do this to coincide with the MTV Movie Awards that air June 6. Maybe this time, I can actually get people inerested in these awards and the satire contained herein.

---

GALIFIANAKIS: Thank you very much.

(He goes to the piano)

GALIFIANAKIS: Welcome to the Third Annual Igor Awards... unless the name has been changed again. I mean, all the good award names are already taken -- like Oscar, Felix, Grammy, Tony -- and all we get stuck with is (bleeping) Igor. Why Igor?

(Laughter)

GALIFIANAKIS: (Impersonating a mad scientist) Hey, Igor! It's alive! It's alive, Igor!

(Heavy laughter)

GALIFIANAKIS: The Igors. The only award show whose jokes are not written by Bruce Villanch.

(Laughter)

GALIFIANAKIS: I know most of you are unfamiliar with me. I am a very popular stand up comedian, and I was in the movie, The Hangover -- which isn't nominated for jack (bleep) tonight. But nobody had ever heard of me until I hosted SNL on March 6. Nobody had ever heard of me until I hosted SNL! Even I had never heard of me until I hosted SNL!

(Heavy laughter)

GALIFIANAKIS: Who the hell am I here? I'm not Tom Cruise. I'm not Morgan (bleeping) Freeman! I'm not Britney Spears, Madonna, Lindsay Lohan! I'm not that guy who songs that song...

Pants on the ground, pants on the ground...

(Larry Platt's reaction)

GALIFIANAKIS: I'm not the Chocolate Rain guy, I'm not Kurt Russell or Bruce Campbell. I'm not the Tron guy either. I'm not even ALF!

(ALF falls to the ground laughing.)

GALIFIANAKIS: I'm nobody!  And there I was hosting SNL like I was some big star. Even the musical guests -- Vampire Weekend -- are more famous than me... and that's a rare occasion. Anyway, enough about me. Let's look back on the past year's movies.

(Applause)

GALIFIANAKIS: There sure the hell were a lot of remakes, reboots, sequels, adaptations, and the like in 2009. We had a reboot of "Friday the 13th." And it as so painfully obvious that they were cashing in on the success of Rob Zombie's brilliant "Halloween" remake from 2007.

(Cut to Derek Mears and director Marcus Nispel)

(Parody of "Friday I'm in Love" by The Cure)

GALIFIANAKIS: Night at Crystal Lake is blue
Jason's coming after you
(Hobo) Myers, I don't care about you
It's Friday, knife in glove

(Rob Zombie's reaction)

GALIFIANAKIS: Jason tears your guts apart
Stay away from lake-y parts
Oh, hockey mask will stunt your heart
It's Friday, knife in glove
Friday, knife in glove

(He stops playing)

(Applause)

GALIFIANAKIS: This is the, what, 12th Friday the 13th movie? Or 11 1/2? When we're all dead, they'll still be making more Jason movies, because people love Jason. It would be (bleeping) killer if they brought back Kane Hodder. He owns Jason. He IS Jason.

(Derek Mears cheers)

GALIFIANAKIS: What do you say, New Line? Warner Bros.?

(Thunderous cheers)

GALIFIANAKIS: We also had a "Stepfather" remake. It was really good. I liked it. We also had an original -- and ear-bleedingly loud -- horror flick from Sam Raimi called "Drag Me to Hell." (Bleep) that movie was loud! I covered my ears the whole (bleeping) time! Scared the (bleep) out of me, too! What a horror masterpiece, if a little graphic at times.

(He plays and sings the chorus to the Grim Reaper song, "See You in Hell.")

(Applause)

GALIFIANAKIS: We had a lot of 3D films, a lot of sci-fi, a lot of animated movies. We had a few Disney movies that shoved their craptacular pop stars down our throats.

(Parody of "Whole Lotta Rosie" by AC/DC)

GALIFIANAKIS: Let me tell you a story
About a rodent I know
Manufactured singers
Manufactured shows
Ain't exactly acting
Can't exactly sing
Billion and one songs on Billboard now
You can say it's not my thiiiiiiiiiiiing!

(Brian Johnson's reacton)

(Miley Cyrus's reaction)

(Jonas Brothers' reactons)

GALIFIANAKIS: Never liked a Jonas
Never liked a Jonas, Joe who?
Lipping to the words
Lipping to the words that you do

(Jonas Brothers' reaction)

GALIFIANAKIS: Ain't no decent music
(Bleep) the Mileys and the "Jones"
How much fans you really got?
Bet your fans are 19 stones

You do a whole lotta mimin'
A whole lotta mimin'
A whole lotta posing
A whole lotta posing
A whole lotta posing
You do a whole lotta posing

(He plays the riff two more times and stops)

(Thunderous applause -- even from Miley Cyrus; The Jonas Brothers; Ashlee Simpson; Ashley Tisdale; Zac Efron; Raven Simone; Lindsey Lohan; Paris Hilton; Kevin Federline; New Kids on the Block; the Backstreet Boys; NSYNC; O-Town; 98 Degrees; 2gether; and the surviving member of Milli Vanilli)

GALIFIANAKIS: How many of you saw that movie, "Up"?

(Applause)

GALIFIANAKIS: That was a great movie. Another Pixar masterpiece. It's about an old guy who puts a bunch of balloons on his house and it floats to another part of the world.

(Parody of "99 Luftballoons (99 Red Ballons)" by Nena)

GALIFIANAKIS: Old enough to be a Gop
His house will float, can never stop
Going to South America
Carl's geriatrica

See the face of young boy scout
Carl tells the kid "Get out!"
Quiet as that Jerry mouse
99 red balloons on house

(Funky part and tempo speeds up)

99 or more balloons
Floating up this tiny house
Carl needs a cane to walk
Hearing aid to hear you talk

These fluffy dogs, they can speak
At least with collars some guy tweaked
Carl's quite a grouchy guy
When 99 or more balloons go by

(Slower tempo)

GALIFIANAKIS: When he widowed much to soon
Filled his house with big baloons
What bird is that one that's acting silly?
Think it's Fred or Jack or Billy
The Carl dude is such a punk
Ironic since he's hated spunk
Why'd he give his house balloons?
Just be glad they weren't in Sweden


(Thunderous applause)

(Parody of "In the Air Tonight" by Phil Collins)

GALIFIANAKIS: I can see a geezer in the air today
Oh Lord
He's been waiting for his moment for all his life
Oh Lord
Do you see the geezer in the air today?
Oh no, oh no

Well I remember!
I remember the doggy, doggy, doggy...
How could I ever forget
'Cause he sound like, like Alvin, the chippymunk, munk, munk, munk...

Well I know the reason why the many canines talk
Ask Docter named Pete
Got your specs on your nose
Hairy back still grows
You're approaching the age 80!

(Zach goes crazy on the piano parodying the drum fill!)

(Phil Collins falls out of his seat laughing!)

(Zack starts singing the actual chorus from "In the Air Tonight")

(Thunderous applause)

GALIFIANAKIS: The producers are telling em to wrap it up. So much for my Halloween II jokes. Here to present the award for Best Animated Feature, please welcome Brian and Stewie Griffin!

(Brian and Stewie enter.)

BRIAN: It's great to be here tonight.

STEWIE: Damn it's cold out here in Antarctica!

(Laughter)

STEWIE: It's like that Cole Porter song, "Too Darn Hot." Except it's "Too Damn Cold." My diaper's probably frozen on now.

(Laughter)

BRIAN: Animation has been around much longer then even live-action motion pictures. Little known fact -- the first cartoon was invented by Ug. Since he didn't have any ink, we grabbed his club and started looking for dinosaurs.

(Laughter)

BRIAN: I think they have it in the Smithsonian now. Everything's at the Smithsonian. Hey, how come Archie's chair wasn't used in that Night at the Museum movie?

(Awkward silence.)

BRIAN: You mean we don't have a cutaway for that? Dammit! And the nominees are:

Alvin & The Chipmunks: The Squeakwel

(Wait, is that even animated?)

G-Force

STEWIE: Good Lord!

BRIAN: I don't think that's animated, either.

Ice Age: The Meltdown

(That's more like it!)

Up

STEWIE: And the Igor goes to...

(Brian struggles to open the envelope.)

BRIAN: It's frozen shut.

STEWIE: Allow me.

(Stewies pulls down his pants and farts.)

(Tom Hulce's reaction.)

(Stewie pulls his pants back up.)

BRIAN: Up!

(Carl Frederickson accepts the award.)

CARL FREDERICKSON: I would like to thank everybody who made this possible. Now get off my lawn!

(Applause.)

Chris is this all typed staright off the top of your head or have you been secretly working on this for ages?

(Applause)

FRANCISCO: In an earlier ceremony, the award for Worst Foreign Language Film went to Mexico's Todo el Día de Santos Dos, directed by Roberto Cadáver.

(Clip of Roberto Cadáver -- really just Rob Zombie in a sombrero and poncho -- accepting his award while traditional Mexican music plays in the background.)

FRANCISCO: Least sympathetic character went to Isabelle Fuhrman, Orphan; Derek Mears, Friday the 13th; Mo'Nique, Precious;  and Christoph Waltz, Inglourious Basterds.

(Clips of the winners)

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and Gentleman, Abe Vigoda!

(Abe Vigoda stands at the mic, somberly.)

ABE VIGODA: If I'm standing here right now... and I have a pulse... it means that it's time to remember those who died within the past year. Performing the Poison classic "Something to Believe In," the legendary Mr. Tony Bennett.

(Somber applause.)

IN MEMORIAM

Lou Albano
— Mario

Bea Arthur

Ron Asheton

Richard Carlyle
— Actor, Star Trek ("The Squire of Gothos")

Chase Wright Vanek's "career"

Winston Churchill (1940-2010)
— Grandson of Winston Churchill (1874-1965)

Michael Crichton

Gary Coleman

Walter Cronkite

DJ AM (Adam Goldstein)

Gerard Damiano
— Writer/director, Deep Throat

Ronnie James Dio

Farrah Fawcett

Larry Gelbart

Estelle Getty

Henry Gibson

Peter Graves

Corey Haim

Happy Town

John Hart
— Actor, Blackenstein

Clayton Hill
— Actor, Day of the Dead, Hellraiser III

Pat Hingle

Dennis Hopper

Clark Howat
— Sheriff Cole, Billy Jack

John Hughes

Michael Jackson

Ted Kennedy

Khaaaaaaaaan! Er, I mean Richardo Montalban

Eartha Kitt

LOST

Les Lye

MGM

Karl Malden

Billy Mays

Rue McClanahan

Patrick McGoohan
— Actor, Braveheart

Ed McMahon

Miramax

Vic Mizzy

Brittany Murphy

Les Paul

Edwin Reimers
— Actor, Star Trek ("The Trouble with Tribbles")

Natasha Richardson

Soupy Sales

Jean Simmons
— No, not Gene Simmons from KISS

Dennis Ray Steckler
— Director, The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies!!?
— Never heard of him? Neither have we!

Patrick Swayze

Pushing Daisies

Rob Zombie's career

Taco Bell Dog

That guy from Slipknot

That guy from The Knack
— Doug Fieger

That guy from The Temptations

Mary Travers

The Weinstein Company

James Whitmore

Joseph Wiseman
— Dr. No

Edward Woodward
— Actor, The Wicker Man

IN MEMORIAM

(Somber applause)

ANNOUNCER: Here to present Best Visual Effects, horror legends Tom Savini and John Carl Buechler!

(Massive applause!!!)

TOM SAVINI: Special effects have been a big part of film for years.

JOHN CARL BUECHLER: Escpecially in the horror and sci-fi genres.

(Massive applause!!!)

BUCHLER: Here now are the nominees for Best Visual Effects...

Avatar
—  Richard Baneham, Andrew R. Jones, Joe Letteri, and Stephen Rosenbaum

District 9
— Matt Aitken, Robert Habros, Dan Kaufman, and Peter Muyzers

Drag Me to Hell
— Chris Burton, Chris Cera, Paul Deming, Bruce Jones, Bob Murawski, Sam Raimi

Friday the 13th
— Brian Bell, Mitchell S. Drain, Mathan McGuiness

New Moon
— Heather Abels, James W. Brown, Nate Fredenburg, Cam Waldbauer

Star Trek
— Burt Dalton, Russell Earl, Roger Guyette, and Paul Kavanaugh

SAVINI: And the Igor goes to... Damn this thing's hard to open... Avatar, District 9, Drag Me to Hell, and Star Trek! Due to time constraints, we'll accept on everybody's behalf.

ANNOUNCER: And now, the nominated trailers for Inception, The Runaways, and Sebastian.

(Inception trailer HD)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7DwuVKfjctk

(The Runaways trailer HD)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uHpEJ749TRM

(Sebastian trailer)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7wCthXzvHNg

(Massive applause)

ANNOUNCER: Here to present the awards for Best and Worst Screenplay, please welcome Oliver Stone!

(Massive applause!!!)

OLIVER STONE: Thank you very much.

(Mpre applause!)

STONE: Seriously, thank you. Yes, thank you all.

(Even more applause!!!)

STONE: Seriously, people -- STOP IT!

(Applause stop)

STONE: Now, we need to get through this quickly. Best Screenplay -- and the nominees are...

Avatar
— Written by James Cameron

District 9
— Written by Neil Blomkamp & Terri Tatchell

Friday the 13th
— Screenplay by Damian Shannon & Mark Swift
— Based on characters created by Victor Miller

Inglourious Basterds
— Written by Quentin Tarantino

New Moon
— Screenplay by Melissa Rosenberg
— Based on the novel by Stephenie Meyer

Precious
— Screenplay by Geoffrey S. Fletcher
— Based on the novel Push by Sapphire

Star Trek
— Screenplay by Robert Orci & Alex Kurtzman
— Based on the television series Star Trek created by Gene Roddenberry

And the Igor goes to all of them. Worst Screenplay -- the nominees are...

Halloween II
— Written by Rob Zombie
— Plagiarized from Halloween by John Carpenter & Debra Hill

Hannah Montana: The Movie
— Screenplay by Dan Berendsen
— Based on the daughter of the guy who sang "Achy Breaky Heart," Billy Ray Cyrus

Law Abiding Citizen
— Written by Kurt Wimmer
— Plagiarized from Death Wish screenplay by Wendell Mays, based on the novel by Brian Garfield

Santa's Slay
— Written by David Steiman

And the Igor goes to... no surprise here -- Halloween II!

(Standing ovation of boos. Rob Zombie accepts his award as he is pelted with trash.)

ROB ZOMBIE: I really don't know what to say... except... go (bleep) yourselves.

(Rob Zombie storms off the stage while the boos continue and he is pelted with trash.)

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen... the man... the myth... the legend... Dean Cundey!

(Massive applause, standing ovation!!!)

DEAN CUNDEY: Most of you know that I am one of the greatest cinematographers of the past 40 years. My body of work ranges from the original Halloween 1, 2, and 3...

(Massive applause!!!)

CUNDEY: The Fog, Escape from New York, The Thing...

(More applause)

CUNDEY: The Back to the Future films.

(More applause)

CUNDEY: Who Framed Roger Rabbit, Apollo 13, The Flintstones, Casper, and Jurrasic Park...

(More applause)

CUNDEY: To name but a very few. So I am very qualified to present this next award... Best Cinematography. I am so honored that many of these films used either Panavision or Red One cameras. A good number of them are 2.35:1 aspect ratio. And the nominees are...

Patrick Cady, The Stepfather
— Panavision Cameras and Lenses
— Technicolor
— 35mm (Anamorphic) / Super 35
— 2.35:1 aspect ratio

Paul Deming, Drag Me to Hell
— Panavision Panaflex Gold II, Primo Lenses
— Panavision Panaflex Platinum, Primo Lenses
— FotoKern Laboratory
— Technicolor
— 35mm
— Digital Intermediate
— 35mm (Anamorphic) / Super 35 (Kodak)
— 2.35:1

Mauro Fiore, Avatar
— PACE Fusion 3-D
— Sony CineAlta F23, Canon and Fujinon Lenses
— Sony CineAlta HDC-1500, Canon and Fujinon Lenses
— Sony CineAlta HDC-F950, Canon and Fujinon Lenses
— HDCAM
— Digital Intermediate (2K)
— Fusion Camera (dual-strip 3D)
— HDCAM SR (1080p/24)
— 35mm (Anamorphic) (Kodak)
— 70mm (Horizontal) (Kodak) (IMAX DMR blow-up) (dual-strip 3D)
— D-Cinema (3D version)
— 1.78:1 (3D version)
— 2.35:1 (2D and constant image height 3D versions)

Trent Opaloch, District 9
— Red One Camera
— DeLuxe
— 4K Redcode RAW
— Digital Intermediate
— 35mm
— 1.85:1

Daniel Pearl, Friday the 13th
— Arriflex 235, Panavision E & G series, AWZ2 and Angenieux Lenses
— Ariflex 435 ES, Panavision E & G series, AWZ2 and Angenieux Lenses
— Panavision Panaflex Lightweight, Panavision E & G, " "
— Panavision Panaflex Millenium XL, " ", " "
— Panavision Panaflex Platimun, " ", " "
— DeLuxe
— Techicolor
— 35mm
— Digital Intermediate (2K)
— Panavision (anamorphic)
— 35mm (Fuji)
— 2.35:1

Brian Pearson, My Bloody Valentine 3D
— Red One Camera
— Silicon Imaging  SI-2K
— Digital (dual-strip 3D)
— Redcode RAW (" ")
— Video (HDV)
— 4K Redcode RAW
— CineForm RAW (2K)
— Digital Intermediate (2K)
— Paradise FX 3D (Dual strip 3D)
— 35mm (Spherical)
— D-Cinema (3D version)
— 1.85:1

And the Igor goes to everybody! I'll accept on everybody's behalf due to time constraints.

(Standing ovation)

ANNOUNCER (Somber): Ladies and gentlemen... Nancy Loomis, PJ Soles, and Charles Cyphers.

(Somber applause.)

NANCY LOOMIS: In 1978, a man named Irwin Yablans came up with a simple idea for a low-budget horror film. A masked killer stalks babysitters on October 31.

(Applause.)

PJ SOLES: John Carpenter's Halloween broke box office records and Hollywood was taken aback by the film's sucess.

CHARLES CYPHERS: Seven sequels, a remake, and a sequel to that remake later... Rob Zombie has murdered this once-great entity in, not just horror cinema, but cinema in general. The culprit... is Halloween II.

(Boos)

CYPHERS: The film is an abomination of everything Michael Myers stands for.

(Massive applause!!!)

SOLES: I certainly don't see anything I like.

(Applause)

LOOMIS: The Daeg Faerch recast was enough of a pissoff, but those who saw the film had to endure Chase Wright Vanek...

(Boos)

SOLES: The white horse psychobabble bull(bleep)...

(Boos)

CYPHERS: ...And Hobo Myers.

(Standing ovation of boos)

SOLES: Let us take a look at the best and worst moments as we mourn the tragic death of Halloween.

(Somber applause)

(Pumpkin intro from the original with the Halloween Theme)
(Fade to "Don't Fear the Reaper")
(Opening scene from part 1)
(Michael Myers kills Annie in the car)
(Michael watches Laurie as she sings "Wish I had you all alone...")
("Fate never changes.")
(Michael with the ghost sheet and glasses)
(Dr. Loomis "Devil's Eyes" speech)

(Fade to "Mr. Sandman")
("You don't know what death is!")
(Pamela Susan Shoop scene)
(Mr. Garrett fails to notice Michael enter the hospital)
(Michael Myers burns to "death")

(Silver Shamrock song with pumpkin)
(Various clips of Tom Atkins)
(Closeup of Tom's mustache)

("Halloween 4" title with "Back in Black")
(Dr. Loomis tells Michael not to go to Haddonfield)
(Jamie sees Michael in her bedroom)
(Jamie wears her clown costume then flashes into young Michael)
("It's Ted Hollister!" "You sick son of a (bleep), you said you saw Myers.")
(Michael kills Bucky the power guy)
(Loomis meets Sheriff Meeker)
(Kelly Meeker wears her Cops Do It By the Book T-shirt)
(POV of Michael turns out to be Jamie. Loomis goes ballistic)

(Fade to "Oops! I Did It Again")
("Halloween 5" title)
(Michael's awful mask)
(Various clips of Tina)
(Rachel in the shower  ::))
(Loomis: "We both know he's alive, but you know where he is!!")
(Man in Black kills everybody at the police station and takes Michael and Jamie with him.)

(Fade to shredding-guitar version of Halloween Theme from "Halloween 6")
(Thorn clips)
(Mrs. Blankenship: "Do you know why we celebrate Halloween? ...")
(Loomis: "Not dead... Just very much retired.")
(Hospital scenes)
(Kim Darby death scene)
(Bradford English death scene)
(Loomis has the Mark of Thorn)
(Paul Rudd on his computer)
(JC Brandy as Jamie)
(Michael's mask lays on the ground)
("Enough of this Michael Myers bull(bleep)!")

(Fade to "Just What I Needed")
(Laurie and Michael stare at each other through the door window.)
(Michael hangs from the ceiling and drops down behind Laurie.)
(Laurie decapitates Michael)

(Fade to "It Won't Happen Again" by No Use for a Name)
(Busta Rhymes: "Trick or treat mother --")
(Busta Rhymes karate chops Michael Myers)
(Busta: "I ain't paying you to be Michael Myers. I'm playing Michael Myers.")
(Busta: I hope you NEVER rest in peace.")
(Alternate ending: Michael kills Busta)

(Fade to "The B*tch is Back")
(Myers house opening scene)
(Michael at Smith's Grove)
(Deborah Myers meets Loomis for the first time)
(Laurie, Annie, and Lynda in the library)
(Big Joe Grizzly scene with "Tom Sawyer")
(Young Michael picks up the knife for the first time on Halloween night)
(Young Michael kills Ronnie, Steve, and Judith)
(Young Michael: "Happy Halloween, boo.")
(Music fades to "Paint It Black")
(Michael and Loomis discuss Michael's black mask.)
(Michael: "Why do you talk so funny?")
(Music fades to "Give a Little Bit")
(Danny Trejo gives young Michael hearty advice.)
(Adult Michael kills Danny Trejo)
(Music fades to "The Chain" chorus)
(Michael breaks out of his chains and kills the guards and cops)
(Michael breaks the car window and grabs Laurie)
(Laurie shoots Michael to the tune of "Shoot to Thrill")

(Music changes to "I Made a Mistake" by Bob Marley)
("Halloween II" 2009 title card)
(Opening scene with Deborah Myers and Chase Vanek pretending to be young Michael Myers)
(White horse clips)
("Are you a giant?")
(Music changes to "Shame on You" by Spade Cooley)
(Michael's mask deteriorates and he looks like a Sith hobo)
(Zakk Wylde Michael Myers unmasked)
("Nights in White Satin" video plays MOS on TV)
(Loomis: "Michael Myers is Dead D-E-A-D!")
(Loomis on talk show with Weird Al)
(Laurie sits in the sanitarium)
(Weird Al "It's not the Michael Myers from the Austin Powers movies.")
(Loomis: "Michael Myers is dead! D-E-A-D!")

(Music changes to the original Halloween Theme as the montage intercuts between Will Sandin and Daeg Faerch.)
(Fade out)

(Somber applause.)

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen... Brian Andrews, Beau Starr, Danielle Harris, Ellie Cornell, and Daeg Faerch.

(Somber applause.)

BRIAN ANDREWS: Halloween is an icon. Halloween II is a laughingstock. Shame on you, Rob Zombie.

BEAU STARR: Rest in peace, Halloween. I have many fond memories of Halloweens 4 and 5. It was an honor to work with Donald Pleasence, who is surely rolling in his grave right now. I'm gonna get Rob Zombie or else I'm gonna die trying.

DANIELLE HARRIS: I only did Halloween II for the money. Nothing else. Same reason Dennis Hopper did Super Mario Bros. I did the others for the art of the genre. I admire everything John Carpenter, Donald Pleasence, and Jame Lee put into the original. More power to them.

ELLIE CORNELL: I have one thing to say to Rob. You'll find it near the end of Halloween 4 when I hit the accellerator. I said those words to Michael, and it's time to say them to you.

(Clip of Ellie saying "Die you son of a b*tch" in Halloween 4.)

DAEG FAERCH: The replacement of me with that cereal commercial kid is the single biggest mistake ever made in the history of Halloween. This makes Resurrection look like the original Halloween! Michael Myers is not a Zakk Wylde Sith hobo. Rob Zombie, you are a traitor to Halloween fans, horror fans, and movie fans in general. Rest in peace Halloween.

ANNOUNCER: And surprise guest...

(Tom Atkins enters. Standing ovation.)

TOM ATKINS: Although Halloween III did not have Michael Myers in it, I felt obligated to pay my respects to the original film that started it all, and mourn the film's butchery at the hands of Rob Zombie and his dreadful H2 sequel. I seriously hope the Weinsteins can get the money to make Halloween 3D because I'm more than ready for it. It's time to, no pun intended, resurrect Halloween.

(Somber applause)

GALIFIANAKIS: Ladies and gentlemen, Ritch Little and a really bad Elvis impersonator!

ELVIS IMPERSONATOR: Heya lil' mama.

(Applause)

RITCH LITTLE: These are the nominees for, what award?

ELVIS: Worst Impersonation. And the nominees are:

Julie Andrews as herself, Tooth Fairy
Gerard Butler as Charles Bronson, Law Abiding Citizen
Miley Cyrus as a talented singer, Hannah Montana: The Movie
Dwayne Johnson as (post-2000) Eddie Murphy, Tooth Fairy
The Jonas Brothers as a talented band, Jonas Brothers: The Concert
Tyler Mane as Grizzly Adams and Zakk Wylde, Halloween II
Chase Wright Vanek as Daeg Faerch, Halloween II
Rob Zombie as a competent director, Halloween II
Sherri Moon Zombie as Stevie Nicks, Halloween II

And the Igor goes to... Chase Wright Vanek. Thank ya very much.

(Standing ovation of boos. Chase Vanek accepts his award whilst being pelted with trash.)

CHASE WRIGHT VANEK: I would like to thank Rob Zombie for putting me in this (white) horsecrap and making it bomb big time. Thank you all.

(Standing ovation of boos. More trash being pelted at him.)

ANNOUNCER: And now, the trailers for Toy Story 3 and Tron: Legacy.

(Toy Story 3 trailer HD)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v_FfHA5whXc

(Tron Legacy trailer HD)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1AwvuirSEAA

ZACH GALIFIANAKIS: Ladies and gentlemen, a blast from the past -- Michael J. Fox, Christopher Lloyd, and Tom Wilson!

(Standing ovation)

TOM WILSON: Hey, Mcfly!

(Silence)

WILSON: Where the hell's Glover?

(Camera cuts to Danny Glover)

MICHAEL J. FOX: Crispin Glover canceled.

CHRISTOPHER LLOYD: What? Great Scott! Anyway, we are here not just to honor the past or the present, but also... the future!

FOX: We have just seen the nominees for Best Trailer

WILSON: Alice in Wonderland, Inception, The Runaways, Sebastian, Toy Story 3, and Tron Legacy. And the Igor goes to...

TOGETHER: Sebastian!

ANNOUNCER: Accepting this award are stars Daeg Faerch and Meadow Williams, and director Gregori J, Martin.

FAERCH: Wow.

MEADOW WILLIAMS: This feels cool.

GREGORI J. MARTIN: Thank you all from the bottom of my heart.

FAERCH: I speak for everybody when I say thank you to everybody who made this possi--

(Interruption)

FAERCH: What do you mean, time's up? Give us a few more min--

(Overly pretentious orchestral music plays)

FAERCH: Do you know what role made me famous? Do you know what kind of role Sebastian is, as well?

(Faerch runs backstage. We hear a blood-curdling scream. He returns with a smile on his face.)

FAERCH: Sorry about that. I'd like to thank my wonderful mom, the cast and crew; Russell Urquhart for writing such a brilliant screenplay; Matthias Schubert for his stunning cinematography; the wonderful Dee Wallace; oh my gosh... Gregori and Meadow and everyone at GruntWorks Entertainment who have worked their butts off to get this film released sometime in the fall of 2010!

(Massive applause.)

TOGETHER: Thank you!

(Standing ovation)

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Academy of Revered Motion Pictures and Icelandic Turtlenecks Sweaters president... Steven Seagal.

(Applause)

STEVEN SEAGAL: Last year, I had never even heard of these awards, but I have grown to love them. I am here to present this next award to a visionary director. James Francis Cameron was brought into this world on August 16, 1954, in Canada. His first film as a director was 1981's Pirhana II: The Spawning. He had a clear vision for the film, but he and the producers didn't see eye to eye. So, when they headed to Cannes, Cameron stayed back and edited the film to his pleasure. That is, until he got caught and the film was re-edited. Cameron's cut has yet to be released.

(Boos)

SEAGAL: Next up was one of the great science fiction films... The Terminator in 1984. It starred Arnold Schwarzenegger as an indestructible machine hellbent on killing Srah Connor (Linda Hamilton). Michael Biehn played Kyle Reese. Cameron wrote the first draft of Rambo II. In ], after begging and pleading, Cameron was allowed to direct a sequel to Ridley Scott's 1979 classic, Alien.

(Applause)

SEAGAL: His credits continued with The Abyss, and then the mega-blockbuster Terminator 2.

(Massive applause)

SEAGAL: True Lies and then, the the longest time, the highest-grossing film of all time...

("My Heart Will Go On" plays in the background.)

SEAGAL: Titanic.

(Standing ovation)

SEAGAL: That film still makes me cry. He wrote an unproduced scriptment for Spider-Man before Sam Raimi was hired. Just last year, the King of the World held onto his title with the release of the 3D epic, Avatar.

(Standing ovation)

SEAGAL: Which is currently the highest-grossing film of all time. Followed closely by Titanic, and The Dark Knight.

(Standing ovation)

SEAGAL: It is my honor as president of ARMPITS to give the Tim Burton Lifetime Achievement Award... to James Cameron.

(Standing ovation)

JAMES CAMERON: Thank you, thank you. You would not believe how many times I'd fight a producer to get my way on every film. I am an extreme perfectionist when I'm in that mode. I would like to thank my lovely wives over the years, especially my current. A big thank you to Arnold Schwarzenegger, Linda Hamilton, Michael Biehn, and Bill Paxton for not saying no and hanging up.

(Laughter)

CAMERON: And a big thank you to my fans and the audience for going to see my movies and supporting me and giving me your hard-earned money. Thank you all!

(Standing ovation)