THERE seems to be some confusion in Washington these days as to the
nature of victory. To help the Beltway discourse, the Review provides
some handy hints to determine whether you've won or lost:

- If, in the course of battle, you not only destroy your enemy but
greatly harm yourself, as well as the people whom you are purportedly
rescuing, that is not a victory but a disaster.

- If you are content to cause great damage to your opponent without
regard to its effect on yourself, that is not a victory but a
pathology typical, for example, of suicide bombers.

- If, upon capturing a city, you or your allies proceed to summarily
execute almost as many people as were killed in the initial effort,
that is not a victory but reason for shame and a hint that you should
do better in selecting your allies.

- If you attack a country without obeying the rules of the United
Nations, that is not a victory but an international crime.

- If you leave the place you are liberating filled with dead bodies,
unexploded bomblets, and depleted uranium, that is not victory but
brutality.

- If you destroy your own liberty for the sake of revenge, that is
not victory but masochism and should be treated rather than applauded.

- If the country you're bombing has a gross national product equal to
less than what it would cost us to fight there for two years, you
didn't win much and might have done better using the money in some
other way.

- If, despite the fall of various places, you are still worried about
suitcase nukes, stinger missiles, plane hijackings, anthrax attacks,
mass smallpox, and one billion Muslims, that is not victory, but
approximately the same problem you had before these places fell.

- If you don't decide who the enemy is until after you've start
fighting, that's a sign you might have thought about it all a bit more
first.

- If you are still scared to visit a big city, fly in a plane, sit in
a crowded stadium or open your mail, you have not won regardless of
what you have captured.

- If, thanks to the policies of your government and the enemies it
has created, you can no longer travel, act, or speak in the manner of
free Americans over the past two centuries, that is not a victory but
the deepest of tragedies. - Sam Smith, November 2001

THERE seems to be some confusion in Washington these days as to the nature of victory. To help the Beltway discourse, this cynical asshat provides some handy hints to determine whether you've won or lost:

- If, in the course of battle, you not only destroy your enemy but greatly harm yourself, as well as the people whom you are purportedly rescuing, that is not only a victory but a reason to blame your political opponents for the damage.

- If you are content to cause great damage to your opponent without regard to its effect on yourself, that is not a victory but a  pathology typical, for example, of governing parties everywhere.

- If, upon capturing a city, you or your allies proceed to summarily execute almost as many people as were killed in the initial effort,  that is not a victory but reason for shame and a hint that you should do better in covering it up next time.

- If you attack a country without obeying the rules of the United Nations, that is not a victory but an international crime for countries dumb enough put themselves under the jurisdiction of any UN court.

- If you leave the place you are liberating filled with dead bodies, unexploded bomblets, and depleted uranium, that is not victory but a juicy contract for whoever buys a win for the no-bid cleanup contract.

- If you destroy your own liberty for the sake of revenge, that is not victory but masochism and should be treated rather than applauded, preferably by exempting yourselves from the law, so it can't hurt you anymore!

- If the country you're bombing has a gross national product equal to less than what it would cost us to fight there for two years, you didn't win much and might have done better using the money in some other way, assuming your initial objective was to make a profit.

- If, despite the fall of various places, you are still worried about suitcase nukes, stinger missiles, plane hijackings, anthrax attacks, mass smallpox, and one billion Muslims, that is not victory, but approximately the same problem you had before these places fell which is perfect, because who'd want the gravy train to end?

- If you don't decide who the enemy is until after you've start fighting and you still have the ability to push through your legislative agenda six years later, that's a sign your opponents might have thought about it all a bit more first.

- If your supporters are still scared to visit a big city, fly in a plane, sit in a crowded stadium or open your mail, you have not won regardless of what you have captured, which is exactly what you want.

- "I tell you, freedom and human rights in America are doomed. The U.S. government will lead the American people in -- and the West in general -- into an unbearable hell and a choking life." - Sam Smith, November 2001 , plagiarizing what Osama bin Laden said on October 21, 2001, so that Sam Smith dude must obviously have been a terrorist too.

As profitable as this one's been for me, I still hate losing wars.  We coulda blown the same money on a two-pronged nuclear effort - one for energy, the other for weapons - and told the enemy to eat glass or sand, their choice.  Woulda made about the same money off the spinoff and pork projects.  Woulda been more fun. 

i have to admit yours is way funnier. and that's true about the contracts and the gravy train and all, this war has been a bonanza for some, that's for sure.

- If you don't decide who the enemy is until after you've start
fighting, that's a sign you might have thought about it all a bit more
first.


- If, upon capturing a city, you or your allies proceed to summarily execute almost as many people as were killed in the initial effort,  that is not a victory but reason for shame and a hint that you should do better in covering it up next time.

All good stuff, especially Foo's cynical take on it all, but the above two stood out for me