This is my first thread post here, so go easy on me.  ;)

The idea of this thread is to inject a bit of levity into an otherwise charged subjects. You can list whatever problem you perceive (war, economy, religion, etc.) and give an idea of how to solve it relatively quickly, cheaply, and/or in a funny way. Everything here should be taken with a grain of salt. And please, play nice, regardless your political views.

I'll start out with two:

Problem: Prison Overpopulation:

I propose Death Row Fear Factor. 6 (or more) death row/life without parole inmates compete on Fear Factor. The choice is solely theirs to enter. Once enough contestants have entered, a show begins. It would be like regular Fear Factor, except the gross stunts and all safety gear would be discarded - in other words, ramping up the danger level.

Anyone who survives all 3 stunts gets a complete pardon, everyone else, well, is dead. Problem solved. Oh, if you are worried about a nasty guy being among us in society, keep in mind his face would be known world wide after the telecast (PPV would be best  ;)), and his crimes known, so life on the outside wouldn't be easy at all.

Problem: Energy Crisis

The US consumes a lot of oil, most of which unfortunately is located underneath/nearby people that don't like us. California has a lot of fault lines. Solution: Build a transporter that could teleport California's fault lines under the Middle East, and their oil under CA.  Problem solved.

Feel free to help solve serious issues in a non-serious way.

I've been cajoled into posting this one...

With reference to the overcrowded prisons... why need we have the prisoners vertical? If the prisoners were horizontal, they'd be able to fit more in... sure, we'd get a few deaths from the crush... but if we put the worst guys on the bottom...

Or the scrawniest...

Similar to your fear factor concept..

For several years I have been trying to get somebody in power to propose my grand scheme.

Next time you catch a couple of meth-heads or crack dealers.

Gladiator battle!!

Go figure, you take them out to RFK or something in Washington and charge $5 to see them fight to the death.
Have 8-9-10 matches on the card.

For instance, Bob the Meth-Head vs Snappy the Alligator of the Everglades national park.
Or maybe, Levi CrackPusher meets Tom, who's son turned to crime from using crack.. and Tom has a tazer.

There are all marvelous ideas in my mind.

You gotta go with George Carlin's idea.


Take all those square/rectangular states and fence them in.  Take everyone in the states and move them out.  Fill each state with one of 4 groups; crazy people, sexual predators, druggies/alcoholics and murderers.  Since these states all border each other, every 200 ft in the fencing have a 10-inch opening.....that stays open only 7 seconds.....once a year. 

Problem: Hate Crimes/Groups

We all know there are millions of people on this planet who hate others solely because of their skin color and/or nationality. I propose we gather them all up and let them fight each other in a big arena. Most would die, and therefore improve the world by ridding it of intolerant racists.

...not to mention the admission fee, concessions/souvenirs and TV airing would generate a lot of money.  ;D



Next time you catch a couple of meth-heads or crack dealers.

Gladiator battle!!

..Bob the Meth-Head vs Snappy the Alligator...



I think perhaps a big person hopped up on meth could defeat an alligator. If he did, would he be free to go?

Problem: Hate Crimes/Groups

We all know there are millions of people on this planet who hate others solely because of their skin color and/or nationality. I propose we gather them all up and let them fight each other in a big arena. Most would die, and therefore improve the world by ridding it of intolerant racists.

...not to mention the admission fee, concessions/souvenirs and TV airing would generate a lot of money.  ;D

I think perhaps a big person hopped up on meth could defeat an alligator. If he did, would he be free to go?





If he could beat an alligator... dang.. No, I'd just shoot him, but wouldn't that be neat 'Man beats alligator in combat'.

Since Iran and North Korea want nukes so bad, why don't we drop a few on each of them?  Then they'll get what they want, and we don't have to listen to the whining anymore.

If he could beat an alligator... dang.. No, I'd just shoot him, but wouldn't that be neat 'Man beats alligator in combat'.


Well, I was hoping for a bit of fairness to all parties involved. I suppose you could pass a law making it a capital offense to kill alligators.  ;D

While my oil-for-faultlines swap isn't fair to the Middle East, it also is wholly impossible.


Since Iran and North Korea want nukes so bad, why don't we drop a few on each of them?  Then they'll get what they want, and we don't have to listen to the whining anymore.


LOL!

I suppose you could pass a law making it a capital offense to kill alligators.  ;D


Marvelous idea!

Problem: Kidnappings

Each year, thousands of people go missing, and many are never found. To combat this problem, fit your loved one with a Lo-Jack system. If they work good enough for your automobile, they should be good enough for your kids.

Problem: Bad drivers

Bad and drunk drivers claim thousands of lives a year, and raise insurance rates for us all. Solution? Take the military's latest laser technology, which is being developed to shoot down missiles before they reach us, and use it on people driving very erratically. The car should be completely vaporized in a matter of milliseconds, therefore leaving the roads safer for other drivers, and debris-free.

After all, we aren't going to be under constant missile attack (especially after Rice Cube "gives" nukes to Iran and North Korea), so why let billions of dollars worth of hardware collect dust?

MURDERER EXECUTIONS:

No more prisons responsible for killing killers.

Put 2 killers in a room attached toelectric wires and 2 buttons in the room. One goes to each prisoner..the object is NOT TO BE KILLED..therefore, whoever gets to the opposite button first KILLS the other by electrocution...They both are killers,so they wouldn't have a problem pushing a little old buttonand save their own butts! :o :o

Kill murderers, lol.

Problem: Prison Overpopulation:

I propose Death Row Fear Factor. 6 (or more) death row/life without parole inmates compete on Fear Factor. The choice is solely theirs to enter. Once enough contestants have entered, a show begins. It would be like regular Fear Factor, except the gross stunts and all safety gear would be discarded - in other words, ramping up the danger level.

Anyone who survives all 3 stunts gets a complete pardon, everyone else, well, is dead. Problem solved. Oh, if you are worried about a nasty guy being among us in society, keep in mind his face would be known world wide after the telecast (PPV would be best  ;)), and his crimes known, so life on the outside wouldn't be easy at all.





Sounds like the movie Running Man.



Cat

Kill murderers, lol.


No silly...if they compete against each other THEY kill the other and no one gets the heat for it...

Wait,... didn't someone do that with throwing people to lions?.....

Problem: Suicide Bombers

One of the most terrific forms of terrorism, suicide bombers claim innocent lives every day somewhere in the world. I'm all for professional suicide bombers though, so I propose a training camp. There, they can study the ways of the trade and improve their craft.

The final test would be having the bomber, complete with a live device, walk into a "ghost town" with plastic or inflatable replicas of people, and buildings. The final test is a live exercise, and to "pass", he has to detonate his bomb in the right place. Once he kills himself and a certain number of his plastic enemies, he is considered qualified, get an award (Darwin), and then may conduct his activities on real people.

Sounds like the movie Running Man.

"I'd buy that for a dollar!"

I'm surprised nobody's pointed out that this solves our illegal immigration problem.  Set up a 10-mile free fire zone and minefield just inside the US border.  Issue permits for various activities:  Hunting permits at $1000/day, no bag limit.  Feel like setting up a minefield?  At a reasonable markup for the manufacturer, you can buy all the land mines you care to purchase and lay, as long as you don't leave the free-fire zone with 'em.  Periodically, neutral UAVs troll the skies photographing firefights for pay-per-view broadcasts.  (Wanna bring in your own camera team?  Go for it!)

The catch?  Well, I'm not talking about a game preserve. A free-fire zone comes with certain risks.  For instance, it wouldn't be very sporting unless those who wanted to help someone across the border weren't free to return fire. 

You pays your money, you picks your side, you slaps on a red or a blue armband, and you takes your chances.

And that, ladies and germs, is my solution for beating the lame schlock that is "Reality TV" off the airwaves once and for all!

I'm surprised nobody's pointed out that this solves our illegal immigration problem.  Set up a 10-mile free fire zone and minefield just inside the US border.  Issue permits for various activities:  Hunting permits at $1000/day, no bag limit.  Feel like setting up a minefield?  At a reasonable markup for the manufacturer, you can buy all the land mines you care to purchase and lay, as long as you don't leave the free-fire zone with 'em.  Periodically, neutral UAVs troll the skies photographing firefights for pay-per-view broadcasts.  (Wanna bring in your own camera team?  Go for it!)

The catch?  Well, I'm not talking about a game preserve. A free-fire zone comes with certain risks.  For instance, it wouldn't be very sporting unless those who wanted to help someone across the border weren't free to return fire. 

You pays your money, you picks your side, you slaps on a red or a blue armband, and you takes your chances.

And that, ladies and germs, is my solution for beating the lame schlock that is "Reality TV" off the airwaves once and for all!


Here's another:  ;D 

Everyone concentrates on the problems we're having in this country
lately. Illegal immigration, hurricane recovery, wild animals attacking humans in Florida.


+ Dig a moat the length of the Mexican border
+ Use the dirt to raise the levees in New Orleans
+ Put the Florida alligators in the moat.

;D ;D ;D ;D

Here's another:  ;D 

Everyone concentrates on the problems we're having in this country
lately. Illegal immigration, hurricane recovery, wild animals attacking humans in Florida.


+ Dig a moat the length of the Mexican border
+ Use the dirt to raise the levees in New Orleans
+ Put the Florida alligators in the moat.

;D ;D ;D ;D


Hey -- nicely thought out, Adagio  ;D

+ Dig a moat the length of the Mexican border
+ Use the dirt to raise the levees in New Orleans
+ Put the Florida alligators in the moat.

And I know just where to find the guys who'll dig, shovel, and transp... aaw, crap!

  ;D ;D

Here's another:  ;D 

Everyone concentrates on the problems we're having in this country
lately. Illegal immigration, hurricane recovery, wild animals attacking humans in Florida.


+ Dig a moat the length of the Mexican border
+ Use the dirt to raise the levees in New Orleans
+ Put the Florida alligators in the moat.

;D ;D ;D ;D


Lol!

Great idea, but I'd use the dirt to fill in New Orleans so it isn't like, um, still below sea level.



Problem: Low Karma!

Every year, tens of millions of board members are permanently damaged by low karma scores. The true extent of this immense problem will not be known for many years, but it is conservatively estimated that 236 quintillion dollars will be needed to correct this horrific, but curable disease.

The solution is much simpler than the doomsayers suggest. Solution: Anyone who posts something reasonably intelligent, off the wall or funny relating to the topic gets a karma point.

Lol!

Great idea, but I'd use the dirt to fill in New Orleans so it isn't like, um, still below sea level.


People in NO might object!  lol  ;D


Problem: Low Karma!

Every year, tens of millions of board members are permanently damaged by low karma scores. The true extent of this immense problem will not know for many years, but it is conservatively estimated that 236 quintillion dollars will be needed to correct this horrific, but curable disease.

The solution is much simpler than the doomsayers suggest. Solution: Anyone who posts something reasonably intelligent, off the wall or funny relating to the topic gets a karma point.



Gets my vote!

Similar to your fear factor concept..

For several years I have been trying to get somebody in power to propose my grand scheme.

Next time you catch a couple of meth-heads or crack dealers.

Gladiator battle!!

Go figure, you take them out to RFK or something in Washington and charge $5 to see them fight to the death.
Have 8-9-10 matches on the card.

For instance, Bob the Meth-Head vs Snappy the Alligator of the Everglades national park.
Or maybe, Levi CrackPusher meets Tom, who's son turned to crime from using crack.. and Tom has a tazer.

There are all marvelous ideas in my mind.


Yep! Gladiator battle Running Man style.  8)

No silly...if they compete against each other THEY kill the other and no one gets the heat for it...

Wait,... didn't someone do that with throwing people to lions?.....


The only trouble with those things is one is left standing. Ah! Throw 'em all at the lions and say it's a nature experiment, lol.

Problem: Buisnesses losing money due to employee stress and workload

Solution: Personal office clowns. If clowns scare employees, stand-up comics are supplied in their stead.

Problem: The War in Iraq

Solution:
The people of the United States will enforce a mandatory draft for only the children of Politicans, send them with no training to Iraq and bring all of our Soldiers home.

Then we'll see how quickly the war is over!

Problem: The War in Iraq
Solution: The people of the United States will enforce a mandatory draft for only the children of Politicans, send them with no training to Iraq and bring all of our Soldiers home.

It's worth a try!  :o

Problem: Sexual harrassment in the workplace

Solution: Mandatory uniform - Bras and bikini briefs for women, tighty-whiteys and nipple clamps for men (so they don't feel left out at having only one item as their uniform).

Either:-

(a) People will be so concerned at hiding their own bodies they won't have time to harrass others,

or

(b) EVERYONE in the office is sexually harrassed (bottom-pinching, clamp-pulling etc.) and feels equal.

Problem: Sexual harrassment in the workplace

Solution: Mandatory uniform - Bras and bikini briefs for women, tighty-whiteys and nipple clamps for men (so they don't feel left out at having only one item as their uniform).

Hey!  You owe me a royalt.  That's almost the same as my solution for airline security!

Everyone boarding a commercial aircraft gets stripped naked, is given a full cavity search, and is bound tightly to their seats for the duration of their flight.

(First class fliers can pay $5 for an injection to knock themselves out for six hours.  The rest of us have to remain conscious throughout the entire fight.  I'm not completely without mercy.)

Hey!  You owe me a royalt.  That's almost the same as my solution for airline security!

Everyone boarding a commercial aircraft gets stripped naked, is given a full cavity search, and is bound tightly to their seats for the duration of their flight.

(First class fliers can pay $5 for an injection to knock themselves out for six hours.  The rest of us have to remain conscious throughout the entire fight.  I'm not completely without mercy.)


Nudity certainly seems like a good way to solve problems  :P

Problem: I wish they all could be California girls.

Solution: California annexes all of the United States and Canada.  Now the Southern girls, with the way they talk, the hip East Coast girls, and the Northern farmers' daughters can all keep me warm at night...in California!  :D

Hehehe.

Problem: I wish they all could be California girls.

Solution: California annexes all of the United States and Canada.  Now the Southern girls, with the way they talk, the hip East Coast girls, and the Northern farmers' daughters can all keep me warm at night...in California!  :D

Hehehe.


And they could give you money to pay me alimony and child support. ;D

And they could give you money to pay me alimony and child support. ;D


So much for that idea :P

Problem: Jihadists

I don't understand why we have to spend trillions of dollars and lose countless lives on the "War on Terror". The best thing a jihadist can do is to become a martyr, right? OK, I thought of something that might help. I call it "The Smarter Martyr Starter Kit".We drop a bunch of flyers on every jihadist nation, telling anyone who wants to be a martyr to show up at a certain location at a specific time. They'll all show up (yes, coolers are permitted). We'll set up an arcade with games like "Whack a Mullah" and "Guess Who's Under the Burka?". There will be camel rides for the kiddies and, at the end of the day, we'll have fireworks

And while we're at it: 

Problem:  Insecure airplanes.

Solution:  All passengers are stripped naked and injected with anaesthetic. They are stacked like cordwood and revived when the plane lands.  To ensure compliance with post-9/11 ethical standards of conduct and preserve an element of consumer choice, passengers may choose to sign over the rights to either 30 minutes of sexual abuse, or have one item removed from their luggage.

You're gonna get screwed, you might as well have some day in the matter. If you're carrying $1M in corporate secrets, you might just want to opt for the sexual abuse and just hope that you're not worth fondling. If you're cute, you can just think of the extra $100 for an iPod nano as part of the price we all must pay for being secure in a post-9/11 age.  If you're Paris Hilton or some other celebrity-type, well, for the first time in my life, I'm happy to have someone like you on my plane. 

  Solve all the world's problems in three words or less.  Funny?  You tell me...

  readysetgo...

  Educate.

  More.

  Women.

  go ;)...

Problem: long lines at the DMV

Solution: Aperture Science Handheld Portal Devices at all DMV areas.

Nice.  I applaud you.



   Solve all the world's problems in three words or less.  Funny?  You tell me...

   readysetgo...

   Educate.

   More.

   Women.

   go ;)...

+ Dig a moat the length of the Mexican border
+ Use the dirt to raise the levees in New Orleans
+ Put the Florida alligators in the moat.


And I know just where to find the guys who'll dig, shovel, and transp... aaw, crap!


A new record for me.  My snarky solution (the implication that you can't build a fence on the US/Mexico border without  hiring illegal immigrants!) to illegal immigration took only 6 and a half months to become reality.

On the downside, the Onion's "WTC Memorial Hole" is still grim reality 5 years after 9/11, but they took the better part of 5 years to call it.  On the upside, aren't you glad we haven't cured global warming by using nuclear weapons to pump lots of sunlight-blocking particulate matter into the upper atmosphere?  (But we've still got two weeks to go!  :)

^ Figures :D

The USA should just annex Mexico and Canada.  Then they can have their free prescription drugs and awesome cliffdiving too.

Am I the only one who has realized what incredibly good timing we've had with both Gerald Ford and Saddam Hussein dying within days of each other? If I ran things, and since the bodies of both Ford and Saddam are still both fresh, I'd make a wager with the leaders of the Sunni insurgency in Iraq. I propose that we take their bodies, strap them into bobsleds, and race them down a course in the Swiss Alps (Switzerland being a neutral country, of course). Our dead ex-president against yours.
  If Saddam wins, we leave Iraq tomorrow, no questions asked. If Ford wins, the insurgents agree to immediately lay down their arms and Iraq becomes the 51st state.  We take control of all their oil fields, every town in Iraq gets at least one McDonald's and a Wal-Mart, and we knock down Saddam's palace in the heart of Baghdad and build a Disneyland there.

Prison Overpopulation??  Not after the current batch of convicts is dead or released back into society, if I had my way.

Instead of throwing these drug dealers into jail, when a crack house is raided or a large drug bust goes down, shoot 'em all during the raid, take no prisoners and after a few hundred of them are dead, the word will get out.  Yes, the dealers will arm themselves with better weapons, thats why we need both police and military intervention, right here on the streets of the good old USA.

A sex offender registry??  Won't be needed, cause all the sex offenders willl be D-E-A-D.

An appeals system limited in the courts to one appeal, not 2 dozen.  If found guilty of a capital offense crime, you get one appeal and if the death sentence is what you receive, guess what?  No lounging around long enough to find Jesus, or rot in jail for a few years, from the time your appeal is denied to the time you hit the wooden box, 3 hours max.  I think those that choose to commit crimes would get the message real fast.

The lawyers who are hired (not public defenders who are assigned and have no chance of backing out) to represent these dregs of society, they get the trip to the gallows at the same time.  Most of these a-holes they represent are guilty anyway, and the lawyers know it, so to eliminate clogging the court system with cases that are just a waste of taxpayer money, lawyers would think twice about defending these scumbags if their necks were (literally) on the chopping block as well.

Idiots who sue companies over their stupidity (Hot coffee and McDonalds comes quickly to mind)  A free mandatory trip to the physco ward for evaluation.  Surely if somebody doesn't know hot coffee is hot, then they shouldn't be walking around loose in society.

3 strikes and you are out, not life in jail so you can continue to be a burden on society, but OUT as in out of this world and 6 feet under.

Mandatory service in one of the 5 branches of the military when you turn 18.  If you refuse, fine.  However, the penalty for refusal is never to be qualified for any State or Federal job, not be qualified for any government bennies at all and not be allowed to receive the benefits that the military has gotten for all Americans with their blood and sweat.  You want to be part of this great country, do your part or say bye bye to the freedoms the military has sacrificed themselves for us to have.

For every load of cars shipped to the US from Japan, one load of cars must be shipped to Japan that are manufactured by US companies.  Yes, we have more people than they do, but thats their problem, not ours.  They can melt them down if they wish and use them for something else, but level the playing field.

China and a lot of the junk they ship here...ditto

More to come...and BTW...I'm not joking on a lot of this stuff......

Am I the only one who has realized what incredibly good timing we've had with both Gerald Ford and Saddam Hussein dying within days of each other? If I ran things, and since the bodies of both Ford and Saddam are still both fresh, I'd make a wager with the leaders of the Sunni insurgency in Iraq. I propose that we take their bodies, strap them into bobsleds, and race them down a course in the Swiss Alps (Switzerland being a neutral country, of course). Our dead ex-president against yours.
  If Saddam wins, we leave Iraq tomorrow, no questions asked. If Ford wins, the insurgents agree to immediately lay down their arms and Iraq becomes the 51st state.  We take control of all their oil fields, every town in Iraq gets at least one McDonald's and a Wal-Mart, and we knock down Saddam's palace in the heart of Baghdad and build a Disneyland there.


Shouldn't they "skeleton" instead?

Welfare Bums:

How many 100's of thousands of individuals elect to just claim a welfare check and never work a day in thier lives? Too many.

Here's the solution. If you've been on welfare for more than 2 years straight you're obviously making a conscious decision to not work.. I mean come on, I've seen people working at McDonalds who couldn't even do up their own fly.. so, the solution. Medical experiments. Think about it.
If you're making a decision not to work, then by doing such a thing you're obviously looking for another way to give to the system. It's admirable that you have decided to participate in our medical experimentation program.. oh, what's that, you're gonna give Burger King a call?

Welfare Bums:

How many 100's of thousands of individuals elect to just claim a welfare check and never work a day in thier lives? Too many.

Here's the solution. If you've been on welfare for more than 2 years straight you're obviously making a conscious decision to not work.. I mean come on, I've seen people working at McDonalds who couldn't even do up their own fly.. so, the solution. Medical experiments. Think about it.
If you're making a decision not to work, then by doing such a thing you're obviously looking for another way to give to the system. It's admirable that you have decided to participate in our medical experimentation program.. oh, what's that, you're gonna give Burger King a call?


There are SO MANY people that abuse the welfare system here.

There are SO MANY people that abuse the welfare system here.


You mean like the people who use their cash benefits to buy beer?

That gives me an idea...the only beer that welfare recipients are allowed to buy is Milwaukee's Best, AKA Beest.  That stuff tastes like crap.  It'll make them stop drinking quick, and if not, at least it has a low enough amount of alcohol that they can stay sober enough to fill out a job application :P

You mean like the people who use their cash benefits to buy beer?

That gives me an idea...the only beer that welfare recipients are allowed to buy is Milwaukee's Best, AKA Beest.  That stuff tastes like crap.  It'll make them stop drinking quick, and if not, at least it has a low enough amount of alcohol that they can stay sober enough to fill out a job application :P


And all those people that work under the table and get all these food stamps. I personally know a number of them.  ::)

And all those people that work under the table and get all these food stamps. I personally know a number of them.  ::)


Well, if that's happening, someone relatively well-off is paying them and should probably be audited.

You mean like the people who use their cash benefits to buy beer?

That gives me an idea...the only beer that welfare recipients are allowed to buy is Milwaukee's Best, AKA Beest.  That stuff tastes like crap.  It'll make them stop drinking quick, and if not, at least it has a low enough amount of alcohol that they can stay sober enough to fill out a job application :P


I know there are people who actually need welfare, so this does not apply to them, UNLESS they are abusing the bennies handed out.  For those that don't , I feel sorry for them to be in the position they're in and hope them all the best in the future...however though for the lazy shiftless ones:

I like the welfare scum who use a 20 dollar food stamp to get a loaf of bread, then either buy lottery tickets or some other drivel with the change.  I think it was New Jersey back a few years ago that used a sort of debit card system....you buy 11.36 worth of food, thats exactly what came off the debit card.  No chance to get cash in your pocket like working people struggle to have many times.

People on welfare using their welfare money to play Bingo and then not have to report that income, because a "relative gave me the 20 bucks I bought the bingo cards with"...right, sure they did.....

Welfare Bums:

How many 100's of thousands of individuals elect to just claim a welfare check and never work a day in thier lives? Too many.

Here's the solution. If you've been on welfare for more than 2 years straight you're obviously making a conscious decision to not work.. I mean come on, I've seen people working at McDonalds who couldn't even do up their own fly.. so, the solution. Medical experiments. Think about it.
If you're making a decision not to work, then by doing such a thing you're obviously looking for another way to give to the system. It's admirable that you have decided to participate in our medical experimentation program.. oh, what's that, you're gonna give Burger King a call?


That's hilarious! Karma +1

Problem: Child Molesters

Sick predators are everywhere. They prey on unsuspecting young children, often under the guise of friendship.

Solution:

A pedocure! A pedocure is simple procedure that involves driving nails into the feet of pedophiles. If they can't walk, they can't molest kids.

Budda BUM.