Too real for some people. Who watches The osbournes and Joe Millionare? I sure don't!

No shame
Reality shows are not funny anymore

By Matthew Gilbert, Globe Staff, 1/23/2003

Forget about the downfall of civilization, forget about the Death of Privacy and the dangers of turning Orwell's Big Brother into an object of worship. Forget about ''The Truman Show'' and the possibility that ''Fear Factor'' will give us a mainstream taste for snuff films. Really, reality TV series and their softcore aspirations don't have the power to bring the world to ruin.

The true problem is simply that reality shows are the quintessence of banality. They're just prime-time litter, free air time for plastic people who fall somewhere in the murky area between ''Entertainment Tonight'' anchors and porn stars. Filling more than 12 hours of TV a week, they are cheap Nielsen vehicles for desperate networks that can't seem to come up with a few good scripts.

Let's face it, reality TV is only another hokey tabloid trend like the talk-show boom in the 1990s, when each week brought a new syndicated yakker serving up white-trash conflict for mass entertainment. We've moved from the unscripted but staged confrontations of ''The Jerry Springer Show'' to the unscripted but staged flirtations of ''Joe Millionaire.'' And both genres are cousins to ''The Howard Stern Show'' and ''WWE SmackDown!,'' where the wrestlers/actors pump up the volume for the cameras. Are Barbie-and-Ken hot-tub dating contests that far from Stern's Butt Bongo Fiesta?

And irony is not the answer.

The populist tenor of reality TV is the perfect opportunity for what is thought of as ironic viewing - loving to hate it. How amazing is it that these contestants are so shallow, that they're actually doing such faux human things - and in front of a camera yet?! The sheer inanity of it all drives many of us to assume a stance that is spirited but detached, engaged but superior. These shows are 100 percent mainstream schlock and eminently easy to mock. They're processed American cheese, as the Heidigate scandal erupts at the ''Joe Millionaire'' chateau, or as ''Bachelorette'' player Jeff strips off his shirt to change a tire. Just watching the way ABC builds up to the rose ceremony on ''The Bachelorette'' is enough to make you revel in head-shaking bemusement. And reality players are easier to snicker at than the Jerry Springer players, who don't always seem to realize what they've agreed to.

But the thrill of laughing at Stupid People Tricks is just too predatory. I'm tired of gleefully rolling my eyes at the mating habits of Jane and John Exhibitionist, as well as the pathetic celebrity egos on ''The Surreal Life.'' Sure, the ladies on ''Joe Millionaire'' signed up for a game, but will it truly be satisfying to watch the winner's reaction at having been fooled? How many times can I smirk at Simon Cowell decimating some loser's dream for our pleasure on ''American Idol''? Is the humiliation making me feel better about myself? Usually, it's the viewers who summarily dismiss reality TV who are considered culture snobs, but if I'm spending a few hours a week guffawing over the vapidity of bimbos and himbos and the misfortunes of tone-deaf singers, I've got to wonder.

And the scientific approach doesn't work anymore, either.

It was once possible to view reality players as lab rats, testing gender roles and group dynamics for us. The first season of ''Survivor'' in 2000 (that's ''back in the day'' by TV standards) did play out like a little unselfconscious study in office politics. But now, the hot-to-trot reality contestants are acutely aware of the workings of the genre. The shows are no longer experiments so much as auditions, something MTV's ''The Real World'' became early on in its history. Recently, after Evan Marriott's modeling pictures found their way into the media, the ''Joe Millionaire'' bachelor admitted to Newsweek, ''I was hoping `Entertainment Tonight' would have shown them more, but they didn't.'' Despite his lack of talent, the guy wants to be a star, and, frighteningly, he may become one.

Far from scientific petri dishes of natural human behavior, reality series are ruthlessly cast, choreographed, and edited TV products from producers who understand the need for clear story lines and character types. Reality honchos such as Mike Fleiss of ''The Bachelor'' and ''High School Reunion'' carefully piece together drama and comedy, victory and failure, from raw footage. They and the networks understand that unless it's in the hands of a master documentarian such as Frederick Wiseman, real reality bores viewers and needs to be tweaked. The first season of ''Big Brother'' came the closest to approximating the unedited Webcam style, and it was a ratings disappointment for CBS. Later seasons were more successful because CBS added games and chose casts with an eye to sexual tension.

Strangely, the chorus of disgust about the genre has subsided, unable to resist the endless wave of new shows. The same voices that objected to 2000's ''Who Wants to Marry a Multi-Millionaire? '' and Darva Conger now marvel at the brawny brainlessness of Marriott and dig to find out if he really earns $19,000 a year - as if Fox and reality TV actually need to be accountable. The groans and yawns that greeted 2001's ''Chains of Love'' have turned into queries about whether ''The Bachelorette'' is better than ''The Bachelor,'' and whether bachelorette Trista is a feminist. When Dick Van Dyke stuck his finger down his throat last week to signify his feelings about reality TV, it was a lone gesture of nausea in the unscripted wilderness.

The good news is that there may be no more need for critical knocks; reality is a shaky crutch. The more the networks rely on these inexpensive shows for their Nielsen highs, and the more we are inundated with clones, the more viewers will tire of the genre. We will burn out as we always do on fads like ''Who Wants to Be a Millionaire,'' and then the networks will be forced to look elsewhere for new material.

And that's one ''Extreme Makeover'' I'll be happy to watch.

Yes... reality tv is just a fad (a bad one at that) and will burn out soon enough (we hope)  ;D

I don't think they are Bad at all.  Some of the worst shows on Tv aren't reality shows (Friends, Hidden Hills, etc).  If you don't like them don't watch them.  

I don't really care for them and i couldnt stand ones like Survivor.  But i did like The Osbournes cause it is hilarious.

I don't watch it, and I never did.  I used to watch the Osbournes, but I think the show's stupid now.